Arrghh...

[AmberGretchen]

OK ladies, I''m hoping that venting here will help me feel better about this because its really stressing me out. My FMIL has turned into something kind of evil lately. FI and I went to visit them once over the summer and once for Thanksgiving, and both times she had criticism for FI on the phone after we left, that she thinks there is no "joy" in our relationship, that she doesn''t really think we are in love. Besides the fact that I think its really inappropriate for her to be saying these things, I wonder if it has never occurred to her that maybe neither of us wants to be super-cuddly in front of FILs. I asked my family and friends and none of them had similar concerns, and so I think it is mostly her.

OK, so all that was bad enough, but now she''s getting worse. On this last visit, I was sick as a DOG, (FI said he hadn''t seen me that sick since we started dating almost 3 years ago), and lost my voice, among many other things, so I wasn''t very social (especially since I couldn''t talk) at Thanksgiving. So she tells FI she thinks he "waits on me hand and foot and gets nothing back." I found this profoundly insulting, because, as FI pointed out, we take care of each other when each needs it, and I take very good care of him, but I needed some taking care of because I was so sick. Also, we were trying to feel free to spend more time together and be more affecitonate with each other after her comments following our previous visit. I have been helpful and polite every time I have visited, but it was much harder because I felt so sick and she kept reassuring me it was OK, and then she turns around and says that!

Then, when I think things are starting to calm down, the latest rudeness. FI and I have been bugging her about blocking hotel rooms for the wedding since last summer, because I needed to get major stuff done before now, because I am in a super-intense and stressful period at school (hence I have been mostly absent from PS and The Knot, etc...) - I am preparing for my qualifying exams, and those of you fellow grad students will know what I mean

when I say I can''t remember being this stressed out. So, knowing all this, she insisted that she would take care of it and wanted to be involved and didn''t want me or FI to do it because she wanted to, and then just a few days ago, she suddenly announces that she will take care of things for her family who is coming and I should just deal with the rest. EXCUSE ME?!!!!

Someone please tell me how I am supposed to be civil to this woman. I do not need this extra stress in my life right now and yet every time I try to avoid it by giving her what she wants, things get worse. I don''t know what, if anything to do about this. Fortunately my family is being cool so far (which is kind of a miracle in and of itself), but like I said, I am having trouble coping with this on top of my stress I already have. I really don''t think I''m that bad a deal as a daughter-in-law - I love her son deeply, I do my best to take care of him but still be a partner to him, I am working hard toward a solid career, and I try very hard to be polite and friendly to her and to the rest of his family, even though we have nothing in common. If anyone has any brilliant insights I would love to hear them, and in any case sorry I''ve been so absent (exams will be over on February 20th, assuming I pass, so I should be back after that), and thank you for letting me vent!

 

[AmberWaves]

AmberGretchen, it sounds like she''d have a problem with ANYONE marrying her son. Is he an only child? Or an only son? Or the baby? She''s probably jealous of the relationship you both have. I''m sure she''s trying her best to be offensive, and by telling HIM, it''s almost ensuring it''ll get back to you.

I say delgate the hotel room job to someone else you can trust, and let everything roll off like water (on a duck''s back, too long to say?), pay no attention. She''s intentionally trying to cause problems, and don''t let her win. I''m sure it''s easy for me to say, but just try to roll with it, and laugh it off. If it gets too complicated, have FH talk to her. Maybe he can smack some sense into her. Also, if it were me, I wouldn''t want to be uber-gropy with my FH in front of his family either.

I think she''s just being a pain in the tush, just to show you she''s not happy losing her boy. Good luck with all, especially exams!! Merry Christmas, too.

 

[regalada]

Oh, AmberGretchen, that sounds awful. You don''t need that kind of stress as you are preparing for qualifying exams. When I prepared for mine I spent one month taking sleeping pills because I could not fall asleep any other way. I know the stress is overwhelming so I''m sorry you have to deal with your FMIL on top of that.

I have a similar situation with my FMIL, and a friend of mine told me that it probably has nothing to do with me, that the lady will most likely find fault with anybody because no one is good enough for her son. I mean, I go out of my way to please this lady, including welcoming her at our house for her 3-week visit once a year, and being gracious about it. But she always finds something to complain about that obliterates everything nice I''ve done. I''m always exhausted after dealing with her, I feel like a bug being scrutinized before being doused with bug spray.

I always feel like screaming at her "I AM NOT CHOPPED LIVER! I have a doctorate and a stable well-paying career, FI thinks I''m beautiful, but most of all I adore and take good care of him like he takes care of me. Somehow that does not satisfy her. I am puzzled by this since my mom worships the ground my FI walks on only because he loves me.

But such is life. I try to focus on what an amazing man my FI is (and he is to have put up with his mom all there years

) and how lucky I am to be getting married to him. I can''t have it all and if what I''ll lack is a loving MIL, then I figured I''m not doing so bad

.

So hang in there. Focus on your exams and not so much on her for the time being. I know it''s not easy but you''ll be better able to handle the stress she is causing you once you have passed your exams.

Regalada

 

[njc]

I think AmberWaves gave some great advice... get someone else to take care of booking the rooms. Planning is stressful enough (not adding in your grad school stuff), you need to get someone who is interested in helping and not making speed bumps! Perhaps you could ask someone "on the DL" to help you out as to not upset the FMIL... whats the worse that happens? You have TOO many hotel rooms? There is usually a book-by date anways (ours was 3 weeks before the wedding), so the hotel shouldnt be loosing anything.

And as far as the PDA in front of the future in-laws (your parents for that matter!) go... we''ve been married almost 5 months and I still feel a little strange giving DH little pecks in front of them. Dont worry about it, you and FI know how you feel!

 

[monarch64]

Your FMIL sounds like she''s treating you the way my mother has always been with my husband! We''ve been married two years, and she still seems to think it isn''t permanent. She is just one of those people who isn''t happy with the way her own life turned out, and doesn''t want to see her children unhappy either. Don''t take it personally. You could be the most perfect person in the world, and your FMIL would still find something wrong with you, it''s true. Neither my husband nor I are the most perfect people, we have had some drama in our 4+ years together, due to both of us making mistakes or not communicating well. Both sets of our parents have been pretty much unhappily married for 35-40 years, I don''t know if that has anything to do with how my mother is, but I suspect it does have some effect. Thankfully, we only see my parents a few times a year ( of course I love my mother dearly, but try to keep a peaceful distance between my DH and her), so she doesn''t really get a chance to interfere. While it''s sad that not all parents are supportive of their children''s marriages, it''s one of those things in life that you just have to make the best of, like it or not.

I really hope that things get better for you, especially during the planning process and the years to come. Hopefully she will come around, but if not, just kill her with kindness! If she doesn''t have a reason to dislike you, she will end up looking like the ass.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks you guys - those are some really great insights. Amberwaves - I''m sure she is jealous, because somehow she never believes that it was my FI''s choice to move out here to CA (they live in New England) - she blames it on my and thinks I "stole" her son, even though as I said, it was completely his decision (I had options for grad school on both coasts, and even right near them in Boston/Cambridge) - he really really wanted to move out here and he loves it here. FI was also always the "good" kid - he has a younger brother who is more of a black sheep, high school dropout etc... while FI was valedictorian, Ivy League college, and so forth. So I think she is attached to him in that way too. When they met my parents at me and FI''s college graduation, my mom was pretty shocked that FI''s mom referred to my FI as "my baby [his mother''s baby obviously, not mine]" frequently and in public.

Regalada - that is such a good description of how I feel. It sounds like our situations are incredibly similar (I''m working towards my doctorate), and it all seems to mean nothing to FMIL, although I wonder how much of that has to do with the fact that in some ways I suspect she''d be happier if my big plan in life was to stay home and raise kids. Which I think is wonderful for some people, but I just don''t see it as a realistic option for me.

Monarch - that is a really good insight as well, although I feel a bit like I have tried the "killing with kindness" approach, and no matter what I do, she always finds something to complain about.

njc and amberwaves will be glad to know I did find someone to delegate the hotel stuff to - my stepmother has graciously agreed to do it for me, thank goodness.

Thanks again for your support ladies - I do hope this will get better, but to be honest I''m not going to hold my breath, and in the meantime I''m just going to keep working on my evil exam stuff...

And trying to look forward to fun stuff, like if and when my wedding dress ever arrives

 

[allycat0303]

Oh Amber!

That sounds really horrible. Well my advice for you is to keep your cool (not because I am in any way shape or form thinking she is right) but it''s never good to have problems with the FMIL. They can be decidedly evil and make your life harder then it should be.

Was she fond of you before this time? It could just be that the reality that she will no longer be the most important woman in her son''s life is bringing out the worst in her. It''s a hard transition for Mothers to make. Hang in there, and vent here, because we''re all listening...and we won''t cause any drama in your life. Breath in and out, and let her comments go in through one ear, and serenely out the other

 

[goldengirl]

Amber, I know I''m going to be the sole dissenting voice here, but I just don''t understand why people feel like they have to put up with someone else''s bad attitude. Can''t your FI say something to her? At the very least, even if he says something to her and she doesn''t change, can''t he keep that sort of thing to himself? Is there a reason he shares it with you?

If my parents talked badly about Kyle, I would firmly tell them to stuff it. If they continued, I would end our conversation. I am lucky to have a FMIL who is truly a sweet and wonderful lady, but if she were horrible I would expect Kyle to stand up for me and stop it!

I know others have different relationships with their parents but honestly... you''re adults. You deserve to be treated and spoken to as adults. They need to respect your decisions and learn to offer their advice only when it''s asked for.

 

[Momoftwo]

I have to agree with Goldengirl. If push comes to shove, I know my DH would defend me no end to his family. We''ve been married almost 25 years, but it''s been that way since day 1. Some topics are just off limits. She needs to be told she doesn''t have the right to talk that way. Out of curiosity though, why did he tell you what she said? Some things should never be repeated. It only harmed your relationship with her for him to tell you what she said. I have two college aged boys and would never think to slam their gf''s. Truly sounds like mom is jealous, but obviously she has gotten away with it repeatedly and that''s why she continues. And, yes, you will become family, but you don''t have to spend all your time together and everyone needs boundaries, even with family.

 

[hearts set]

Beautifully stated momoftwo

 

[Rhapsody]

I know personally I would want to know if the future in laws were saying negative things about me. The relationship is already ruined, and I deserve to know what people (who are supposed to be family!)think about me. My boyfriends mother and most of her family don''t like me, and I didnt know just how much until his sister overheard his mother and FMILs sister basically bashing me on the phone. Totally out of line and juvenile. And although I was hurt by it I''m glad I know because now I can stop trying to please them because I know it wont make any difference. It''s their problem now, not mine.

My boyfriend told her that her attitude was unacceptable and until she changed it we wouldn''t be seeing them more than we had to. Not even family gets a get out of jail free card when they are blatantly disrespectful.

I''m sorry shes making things so hard and stressful for you. I hop you can either patch things up and find some peace in that fact that this is how its gonna be. I really feel for you hon, hang in there!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/30/2005 4:17:27 PM
Author: Momoftwo
I have to agree with Goldengirl. If push comes to shove, I know my DH would defend me no end to his family. We''ve been married almost 25 years, but it''s been that way since day 1. Some topics are just off limits. She needs to be told she doesn''t have the right to talk that way. Out of curiosity though, why did he tell you what she said? Some things should never be repeated. It only harmed your relationship with her for him to tell you what she said. I have two college aged boys and would never think to slam their gf''s. Truly sounds like mom is jealous, but obviously she has gotten away with it repeatedly and that''s why she continues. And, yes, you will become family, but you don''t have to spend all your time together and everyone needs boundaries, even with family.

I totally feel you have said it well enough for everyone here...and I agree. Stay true to who you are and don''t change for her or anyone. Boundaries are lifesavers!!!