April 8, 2008 -- TRYING to figure out when a man will propose has been the subject of many a coffee/ice cream/vodka klatch. Well ladies, we have an answer: in three years.
According to a new study by British wedding-planning company National Wedding, the average man gets down on his knee precisely two years, 11 months and eight days after the first date.
And all things being equal, New York men think that sounds just about right.
"It makes perfect sense that if you''re with someone for three years, it''s about time to get engaged," says 30-year-old Carlos. "It''s make it or break it at that point."
Drew, a 27-year-old now in a yearlong relationship, agrees that three''s the magic number. "As long as all else is settled, it''s perfectly accurate."
Why so long? Believe it or not, men are putting as much thought into the relationship as women are. "For me, it has to do with where I am in my career," says Drew. "I have to have worked for about five years so I know where I''m headed and I can check off financial certainty."
For Carlos, it''s all about cohabitation. "Within the first year, I know if I want to move in with her, and that''s important because it''s a mock trial of marriage," he says. "That''s when you learn all of her [idiosyncrasies]. I have to have experienced that before proposing."
Still, that didn''t keep him from breaking up with his girlfriend of three years after living with her for two and half. Which brings up a caveat to hopeful women out there - just because it takes men three years to propose doesn''t mean that if you put in your time he automatically will.
"Women want to get married sooner," says Rhonda Fine, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist, claiming that marriage is a higher priority for women, particularly if they want to have kids; and because they are generally less apprehensive about commitment, they want to move forward sooner.
With that in mind, "there are definitely clues women can pick up on during the relationship that reveal whether they will get proposed to or not," Fine says. "You have to ask yourself, ''Are they committed in other aspects of their lives? Do they have a good relationship with their parents?'' This is the information women should be gathering if they want to get married."
Fine says the most important thing to look at is his relationship with his dad. "Men mimic their fathers. If his father doesn''t value marriage, or his father is divorced, or in a miserable marriage, he aligns with him," she says. "He may be very afraid of that very thing happening to him and so the concept of commitment becomes weary."
John, 29, who recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year, admits to having this very problem.
"I thought she wasn''t for me and there were things about her I didn''t love, but I''m realizing that it could be about something bigger," he says. "The older I get, the more I realize that my parents'' divorce and my dad being unhappily remarried makes me terrified of commitment."
Raymond, 37, was in a relationship for three years and chose to bail. He admits it may have been a commitment-phobic reaction.
"I was with her for about as long as it should take, we were at the appropriate age, and should''ve been ready," he says. "But when she asked me why I didn''t propose, I told her I wasn''t ready. Maybe it was a fear of commitment."
Nor is three always the magic number. "My timeline is about a year in total," says Mark, 33.
"Although age doesn''t always matter, it is true that the older a man gets, the easier it is for him to be able to communicate on the level of marriage," he says.
"I''m in a seven-month relationship right now and I''m sure we''ll be engaged at one year."
If you''re not dating Mark - or someone like him - Fine suggests coming clean with your boyfriend about your intentions well before the three-year mark.
"If you''ve let a period of time go by, he''s 27 or older, and you love him, you should tell him that he''s the guy you could spend your life with. And if he doesn''t feel the same way, you have to move on," she says.
"And you need to be prepared to leave. If you don''t, he''ll never marry you."
Melissa, 25, confronted her boyfriend when she didn''t like the messages she was getting. "We were dating for about four months when I noticed he pulled away emotionally. I sat him down and told him how I felt about him and that I need to know if he was ever going to change. He said he recognized the problem but couldn''t fix it, so we broke up."
Fine would''ve suggested he go to therapy.
"If a man is well-intentioned and can''t take this step because of phobia, he should be willing to go to therapy. And if he doesn''t, then he doesn''t love you enough."
who''d been dating the guy for 6 months. I no longer work at that job, but a friend of mine still does. The older of the two women got married after dating the guy for 16 months. The younger one is getting married this summer. 
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