At the end of my rope -- need a sympathetic ear!

[mas]

I can''t believe how awful wedding planning has been turning out to be for me.

My fiance and I got engaged on New Years Eve 2005 and have thought five times that we''ve set the date, but it keeps moving! We wanted to get married this year and I don''t know if it''s possible anymore and I have been crying all weekend.

The first date we looked at was August 5, but as we started to announce it to our families, it turned out that his sister had tickets to a Barry Manilow concert with her girlfriends (yes you are reading that right). And she was childish enough to say that if she couldn''t be at the wedding because of the concert, then her husband and son couldn''t either (both of whom my fiance is close to). So rather than create a family rift, we kept looking for dates...

On to date number two: Aug 25 -- church was available but not the restaurant we would have it at (which I have fallen in love with). So that was out.

Date #3 was in mid Sept and my maid of honor had another wedding to attend and her son is a ringbearer, so that was out.

Date #4 was in Oct. I was sooo excited as you can imagine. Then we find out that that is the weekend of the Chicago marathon (we live in Chicago) and hotels are pretty much completely booked (we have about 70% of our guest list coming out of town). The only hotels that were left were really expensive ($300+ a night) which I thought was too much to ask of people.

So the only other Saturday / Sunday holiday evening the restaurant has is New Year''s Eve. FINALLY! A date! We heard it won''t work for a few more distant friends, which we were ok with. Then yesterday I get an e-mail from my aunt (who I had run the date by 2 weeks ago) telling me she forgot and that she and all my cousins from that side of the family were going to San Diego for the Holidays / New Years. That is about 20 people of the 100 people we thought would be attending the event. I have been crying ever since (Two days of crying!).

My fiance is mad and frustrated and I think wants to have it anyway, but these are cousins I grew up close to and I really wanted them there. I''ve tried to hint around about them changing their plans but it doesn''t look like it''s happening. I am exhausted and heart broken.

I am planning this all on my own -- my mother passed away years ago and my maid of honor is out of town and I just can''t take it any more. I was getting so excited about New Year''s Eve and now to find there''s a problem with that too!!!! I''m worried more people will have problems with New Years and we are already down to about 80 people. And the place we are having it at has a minimum charge for evenings, so we could end up paying a lot of money for only 40 to 50 people if that''s where it ends up.

Don''t know what I am going to do....I frankly feel so beaten down and so very sad that my cousins couldn''t possibly work out alternate plans. We don''t want to wait until 2007 to get married. The place I''ve fallen in love with -- we could possibly do a Friday night evening -- my guess is they probably have some availability there... but I think people traveling from out of town would have problems with a Friday night too.... I feel so stuck. And I am not a bridezilla by any means, but shouldn''t people try to accomodate your plans (I am certain that at least my aunt and uncle have not booked their flights to San Diego yet - and they could all get together in Chicago just as well) It makes me feel like such a low priority....

 

[sunkist]

Oh Mas, I''m so sorry this is getting so frustrating for you! My only suggestion, which I''m sure you''ve already heard, is to just pick a day and stick with it. You''re family and friends are putting you through a tough spot, trying to make you accomodate them. The way I see it, they are the ones being invited. They can come and support you, or they cannot. There are always re-arrangements to their plans that can be made if they truly want to support you. You have generously tried to re-arrange your schedule and it won''t work for everyone. There wil never be a day that works for everyone! Just pick one, announce it, and the people that truly love and support you and your fiance will show and support you at your wedding. Please don''t let them bug you about this anymore, you''ve got plenty of other planning to do!

 

[JCJD]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you've got all this stress going on! ***HUGS!***

I can definitely see that you are no bridezilla. However, rather than you walking all over everyone, it seems that everyone is walking over you. You have been incredibly accommodating with all these date changes, and I think it is time for you and your fiance to put your feet down, united as a couple. To be honest, as an outsider looking in, I would really want to re-set the original date just to spite your FSIL for being so childish.

But that would create huge rifts, so never mind.

When I was planning our wedding, I had my heart set on a photographer. We practically had him booked, but when I called to tell him we were definitely going with him, he had a conflict with the wedding he was shooting the day after ours (that bride, who was a former student of his, wanted him at their rehearsal to set things up etc.). Well, I was heartbroken, I cried, but then we found our photographers who were just as affordable and more amazing than the one we "lost". My point is, can you go back to the Aug 25th date (is the church still available?) and move your reception? I know you love the restaurant you found, but I think you'll be happier to be married to your honey. After all, that's why you're getting married, isn't it?

Good luck Mas!!!!!


ETA: And if you're trying to find a date when all of your potential guests can make it, it's impossible!! You won't get married until 2050! And even if you did set the date THAT far in advance, last minute illnesses, travel problems, personal crises, PTO issues, etc will STILL keep some people away.

 

[E B]

I agree with sunkist. It''s rare that you''ll pick a date that is perfect for everyone, so pick one that''s perfect for you! I know you said you didn''t want to get married in 2007, but if you think about it, 2007 isn''t that far away anymore. What about January 6th, 2007? January 13th? Just a week and two away from New Year''s Eve and only 6 months from now.

 

[firebirdgold]

I haven''t got any advice, just sympathy. This totally bites and your family is selfish.

*HUGS*

 

[diamondfan]

I am feeling so mad at the people giving you grief! You cannot ever accomodate all people always, so keep that in mind. That being said, issues like hotel cost/availabiliy etc are important to consider, as you have done. To be honest, I would be most pissed about the Barry Manilow concert issue. I have never heard anything like that. She should have given the tickets away and maybe planned to see him another time. That is SOOOO rude and selfish I cannot imagine. (I hope I am not stoking the fires but it burns me up no pun intended). I think you have to find one more date that works for you, run it by the most important attendees if you can, and then let it go. You cannot keep jumping through hoops like this. It is insane for you to be dealing with this now. Good luck...

 

[VRBeauty]

mas: It just burns me up that family members -- yours and his -- aren't putting a higher priority on sharing your wedding with you. They seem to be treating your wedding like just another entertainment event (would I rather see a wedding or a concert this weekend? Hmmm tuff call... there'll be free food at the wedding, but...) rather than the beginning of a lifelong committment and a legitimate reason for a family celebration!

Not to mention that no one is lending a helping hand as you plan this!

My heart goes out to you and your fiance.

The only suggestion I have is that you give yourself a day or two to get over the frustration and disappointment, before you and your fiance sit down again to discuss what you want for your wedding and what that means for dates and venues. Then, as others have suggested, pick a date and stick to it.

 

[mas]

Thank you so much for your comments. I have been in tears all weekend and just can''t seem to shake it. I work really long hours, so just finding the time to make calls about this wedding has been really difficult and the idea of starting over again with finding a new date just absolutely exhausts me.

The Barry Manilow thing his sister did was beyond me -- I could just see that it was hurting my fiance''s feeling, so it just didn''t seem worth it to try to push that date. Before that happened he lobbying for her to be a bridesmaid, but now it''ll be a snowball''s chance in h-ll before that happens.

I am an only child, so my closest family is my extended family (aunt, uncles, cousins) and I was so hoping they would be there. And without a good portion of them there, the wedding gets pretty small. So I don''t know if I should cave and find one more date (maybe Jan ''07) or maybe consider a Friday wedding (I''m sure people will have problems with that too).

What makes me saddest, is that I feel like my fiance and I seem to be on everyone''s "B" list. These are people we''ve cared for and gone out of our way for in the past -- why wouldn''t they do the same for us? Ah well. Guess you can''t change other people. It just helps me to talk about it here. My fiance unfortunately is not being helpful -- I think he''s had enough.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I''m so sorry Mas!! It really shouldn''t be this hard to settle on a date..but like everyone else has pointed out no date will be good for everyone.

IMO, I would have said sorry to your FSIL and said this is our wedding date and we''re sorry if you can''t make it. I mean c''mon! It''s a concert. My feelings would be badly hurt that she put that in front of her own brothers wedding. But, you can''t undo what has already been done. If I were you I''d sit down with your FI and pick a date in January and STICK TO IT!!! I can understand that people have holiday plans already etc...but enough is enough. If people can''t come then it''s their loss. I''m sorry that your feeling like you and your FI are on your friends and families B list, that must be hard. It''s times like these that you see ppls true colors!

Hope you and your FI work a date out. Keep us posted. And keep your chin up!!

 

[diamondfan]

I wish there was some way to make people be less jerky. I planned my son''s bar mitzvah, spent three years working on things, sent save the dates to out of towners and had a cousin tell me it was her daughter''s last soccer game that day and she had to be there (she is SIX). For pete''s sake. After a while, you become numb to how rude and classless people are. I remember people calling me during my plans for my wedding, demanding to know what I was serving or who I was seating them with...making very harsh requests about things...JUST SHUT UP AND COME OR DON''T is what I wanted to say...I think it hurts if you are not a priority to people and you have always put them first in your life. Unfortunately a sad truth to things...I hope it gets better.

 

[ladykemma]

you are trying to accommodate too many other people. set the date and let it be.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Something I learned through this whole wedding planning process is there is NEVER a good day to get married. People live busy lives and as important your wedding is to you, it isn''t always the most important to everyone else (sorry if that sounds harsh). We invited 300 people and only 150 are coming. I don''t take it personally. Some people can''t get off work, have the money to come, have other plans, the important people will be there. We went to a NYE wedding last NYE and it was SO much fun. I personally am weird about sharing holidays but you obviously are not so I would go for it. Otherwise you need to be more flexible about the reception location. Basically to be blunt, something''s gotta give. Better the date or location than your sanity

I know if is frusterating but you are going to drive yourself crazy looking for the PERFECT date, PERFECT church, PERFECT restaurant. It is about marrying your bestfriend. That is the most important thing.

 

[jas]

Mas, honey, I feel your pain. You are not alone in this -- the people here on PS have been a massive support system for me, and they/we will be for you!

Hugs,
Jackie

 

[jaz464]

I would choose a Friday evening that works out for you and your FH since it sounds as though all the Saturdays and Sundays are now gone. Just choose one. Someone will always have something going on. Plus, I think people would change their plans in many cases. Had you gone with the first date, I bet FSIL would have been there. She just controlled the situation so you would have to work around her and not the other way around.

 

[firebirdgold]

screw ''em, have a DW someplace exotic!

 

[appletini]

I had a Friday wedding and no one complained, plus it was nice to still have a weekend once the wedding was over. We''ve gone out of town for other peoples weddings and used vacation time for them, so we figured, since we''ve done that for others, they could do it for us. We also had the ceremony start at 7:30, to give people time to freshen up after work and allow time for rush hour to end.

It your wedding, do what you want. There will be always be someone who can''t make it.

 

[diamondfan]

I guess at this point I would be fed up with all the peanut gallery attitude. this is your special day. One would hope that people, with enough notice, could rearrange and priortize appropriately. This is your wedding, not a dinner party. At this point I would chose the day, and those who matter will be there for you. It is just a bit sad and surprising how people act in times like this. I wish it were happier for you.

 

[monarch64]

I am so sorry to hear of your wedding planning woes, mas! I do agree with Tacori, though...there is never a perfect day for your wedding that will please everyone. I know it is tough to make a decision because you want to make everyone happy, and you''re feeling frustrated that you seem to be on people''s "B" list. Your situation is a difficult one. I would also encourage you to heed the advice of other posters and go ahead and pick a date that makes you and your FI happy. In the end, people might complain, but the ones who truly want to be there for you and care about your feelings will be there.

I got married in Chicago, rather than my hometown (which is 5 hours away and very small) against my wishes, because I was so worried that most of my family and friends wouldn''t be able to make it. The wedding was indeed a little "lopsided" meaning there were more of my DH''s family and friends there than mine, but you know, it didn''t really matter in the end. Those on my side who couldn''t make it did make a point of sending gifts and their best wishes, but most of my side did end up coming even if it put them out a bit. We also had a Sunday afternoon wedding, due to budget concerns, and that was only an issue with just a few people. For all our fears and concerns, things turned out just fine. I hope everything works out for you, and that you and your FI are able to choose a date and secure a location and vendors that works best for YOU! Good luck!

 

[mas]

thanks guys -- I really appreciate the support. I was talking with one of my friends yesterday and she was saying that New Year''s Eve / the holidays is just a tough time of year to be planning something, with many people planning far in advance for that time of year (I don''t, but maybe others do). So do you think this is even worse because of the New Year''s date? Several of the friends I''ve talked to thought it would be really fun on that date, that New Year''s Eve is overrated to begin with. So maybe it''s just a matter of perspective.

The other thing is that side of the family that couldn''t make it is always really critical, so maybe it''s better NOT to have them there (so I won''t hear complaints on the day itself). Trying to find the silver lining...

 

[Tybee]

mas,
I think something to consider about New Years Eve is that many times you won''t be able to find the vendors that you''d like to use because so many people have large parties on that night. You would be competing for caterers, DJ''s locations, etc, and not just with other brides... That is the ONLY thing that I would worry about at this point.
Heck, if you can get the place you want, etc... then I would just go for it. I cannot believe how difficult your family has been. That''s just unheard of. Barry Manilow... PLEASE

 

[diamondfan]

You might pay a higher price for things on a holiday, since staff tend to get higher pay for working those nights. Just a thought, because I think it is a cool night. My sis in law got married NY eve. It is hard for them now with three kids to find a sitter to go celebrate, but her dh never forgets their anniversary!!!

 

[NewShiny]

Mas,
Please don''t be offended, because I don''t mean this in a mean way at all. But take a step back and really read what others are writing. Your wedding date is and always will be the most important day for two people and two people only: You and your husband to be. For 95% of those invited to your wedding, your wedding date is just another day, no matter how important the people are to you. To most of them, its just a day or weekend to dress up and spend money. Sad, I know, given all that you put into it, but true.

To keep you sanity intact, stop worrying about the "several of the friends you''ve talked to", set a date, and stick with it. To those that miss it, their loss. Focus on those who are going to be there, not those that aren''t. To those who say they can''t make it, tell them "I''m sorry you won''t be able to make it. John (insert FI name here) and I will miss you." That''s all you need to say. This is a nice but firm message that the date is set. Then, send all the people you want to have at the wedding an invite, even those who say they can''t come. Its up to the potential guest to make a final decision. You might be surprised how priorities change.

Finally, are you sure that its others'' schedules that is keeping you from setting your date, or is it something else? Money worries? Issues about not having enough help to plan? Maybe there are other issues that you need to consider that are keeping you from setting a date. If there are other issues, but sure to deal with them honestly and fully, so your wedding day can truly be about happiness and love. I''m sorry if I''m way off base here, but I just thought I''d mention it since no one else has.

Good luck!