Back online! Yay!!

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Ladies,

I''m finally back online! Yahoo!! Have moved into my new house and really love it- the only problem seems to be that it has pushed any hopes of engagement way back. Had a chat with SO who confirmed what I was thinking that the costly process of buying a house has left him with no funds for an engagement ring.
I can''t blame him for this as I did agree to buy the house with him- we would have been stupid not to go for it, we got a lot of money knocked off it and it''s in the best location we could ever have hoped for.

The only problem is that I am starting to feel very bitter towards him about the whole marriage thing. He had promised that we would be engaged before the end of this year. I gave him a timeline of the end of the year and he agreed this was reasonable (it''s been almost 8 years afterall!) Anyway when we bought the house he admitted that he hadn''t been to look at any rings- so if we hadn''t had the house I can''t see how he would have got a ring before the deadline! This annoyed me (although I didn''t say) because I feel as though he really doesn''t take me seriously.
Anyway now I''m just becoming bitter about the whole thing. I don''t feel as though I would be excited about getting engaged and am beginning to wonder that whether having to wait for so long has just put me off the whole idea?? I just feel like I''ve passed wanting it and am beginning to resent him for making me wait for so long.
The strange thing is that we are getting along fine- I just no longer care about getting married. This is upsetting me though as it''s what I always wanted!

Don''t know what else to say really- just feel strange about everything. Has anyone gone through phases like this??

 

[bee*]

Hi chocolatefudge, good to see you online again! I''ve written a couple of posts and then deleted them again as I''m really not too sure what to say. I can see why resentment is setting in however on the other hand, I think that he has been quite honest about things in that I think he previously said that he wanted to get the house first and you guys have had many discussions about this before. Did you guys have a proper talk before buying the house? It seems like you guys have made a huge step in buying it and if you''re starting to feel bitter about the whole thing, then that does need to be something that you need to bring up with him. Not him throwing a timeline without him actually going to do anything. Will you stay indefinitely? I know how hard it must be as I''m with D roughly the same length of time. You can change how things are for you, don''t give up what you want for youself.

 

[sammyj]

Welcome back chocolatefudge!

I can''t say I''ve been through anything remotely like your situation. My BF and I have been together for half the amount of time as you and your BF and we are actively looking at rings now.

In regards to your situation, it sounds like you both put buying a house as a priority. Whether you stated your timeline for a ring or not, those are two very costly purchases and to expect him to be able to save for both is pretty demanding IMO. Now, I don''t know details of your situation but although my BF and I have good jobs and are comfortable, I would not expect him to be able to save up for a downpayment on a house AND an engagement ring. I understand that you''re more disappointed because he didn''t plan in advance to set aside money for the ring...but we have to remember that sometimes boys can''t multi-task and plan for more than one thing at a time!

In terms of the fact that you no longer want to be married...maybe you just don''t want to get your hopes up. Which is ok. It''s better than getting really excited about something and then crashing down with disappointment when it doesn''t happen. At the same time, although you always dreamed of a wedding, people grow and change, and maybe that''s just not a priority anymore. Figure out what''s important to you. Picture yourself in 5-10 years. Do you see yourself as Mrs. __ with a rock on your finger? In a couple of years do you see yourself in a wedding gown giving a speech at your wedding? If you do...then you probably do want to get married still...you just don''t have the LIWitis that most of us do! (which definitely isn''t a bad thing!

YOu sound like you''re just going with the flow and enjoying your time with your BF. If you feel the resentment growing or your LIWitis flare up, talk it out with your BF.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thank you for your replies!

I think the disappointment is deifintely an issue, I am so tired of getting my hopes up and then it coming to nothing. Because my SO wants it to be surprise then I literally have no idea when it could happen which does lead me to get my hopes up at any big event, Christmas, Birtthdays, Valentine''s Day etc. But then even worse- some days I just get it into my head that it''s going to happen- if he asks what time I''ll be home I imagine some big plan where he''ll there be there with a ring waiting for me! The more time that passes the more upset I get about it all- until now where I''m off the idea!!

The situation is a little tricky as HE wanted to buy a house first and I wanted to get engaged. Things were taken out of our hands slightly as our landlord decided to sell our house. We both agreed not to rent again and as house prices have started to plummet it was an oppurtune time to buy.
I do love him and can''t see me leaving him so it seemed silly not to go for the house just so i could get what I wanted first.

The main problem is that when I ask him about marriage he ALWAYS says, "I''m ready, I will ask you." But he won''t say when. Deep down I think I know that he isn''t ready yet and I just have to sit it out and wait until he is. I just wish he would be honest with me- he''s been promising me for the last three years and it''s starting to get ridiculous (in my eyes!) I don''t think he means to do it, he just wants to say what I want to hear but then he never follows it through.

Of course I wouldn''t expect him to save a down payment for a house and an engagement ring, what has upset me is that he promised it would happen before Christmas (this was way before the house) yet he never bothered to even look at rings, which tells me he wasn''t serious about it. We''ve only been deciding on the hosue since September so he hadn''t left himself much time and I really don''t think he would have done it.

 

[bee*]

I know that he says that he wants it to be a surprise but it''s really upsetting you so I really think that enough of it being about him and him saying he''s ready, he''ll ask. As you''ve said it''s going on three years, you really do need to know what''s going on with him and if it''s upsetting you this much, let him know that you''re serious. Most of your posts have been about how you''re upset and I really think that he needs to know how it is making you feel. He got his wish with buying the house first, I really think that he needs to answer some of your questions about things.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks Bee. To be honest, the thought of starting the conversation with him just exhausts me! We go over the same things every single time. I''ve just read someone elses post where they said they are worried that when a proposal comes they will feel like, "Finally!!" Rather than happy about it and that''s what I worry about too.
It does worry me that i have to ''nag'' him about it so often (nagging is how it feels!) as I am terrified that I will push him into it when he isn''t ready.

I know buying a house together is a big step, but I feel like getting engaged would really be taking our relationship somewhere, whereas at the moment, I feel like we have been in the same place forever! To be honest, buying the house doesn''t feel like a big move as we were already living together- the only difference now is that we actually own the house.

I don''t always like reading back through my threads as I always seem so unhappy and I''m not!! I am very happy with my SO, but getting married is the one stumbling block and I just feel like we go over the same issues time and time again. At the moment he just keeps saying, "Soon," when I ask him when it will happen. He can''t tell me when ''soon'' is but I know it''s not this side of Christmas. I will just have to hang on and see what happens- it was my choice to get the house with him so I will have to sit it out and see what comes.

 

[bee*]

No problem. I really do understand where you''re coming from. D and I got engaged after dating just over 8 years and I thought sometimes that when he did it I would be thinking "finally" also, but luckily I didn''t. I don''t know how long I would have kept waiting but I think there would have been a time when I thought enough is enough. I did sit him down and we talked about it and he asked me to give him two years and he proposed 18 months after that talk and I do think that I would have gone if he hadn''t done it after his timeline. It''s hard trusting someone with the future and something that you can''t control. I really do wish you all the best and I hope that it happens soon for you.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 11/13/2008 4:53:24 PM
Author: sammyj
Welcome back chocolatefudge!

I can''t say I''ve been through anything remotely like your situation. My BF and I have been together for half the amount of time as you and your BF and we are actively looking at rings now.

In regards to your situation, it sounds like you both put buying a house as a priority. Whether you stated your timeline for a ring or not, those are two very costly purchases and to expect him to be able to save for both is pretty demanding IMO. Now, I don''t know details of your situation but although my BF and I have good jobs and are comfortable, I would not expect him to be able to save up for a downpayment on a house AND an engagement ring. I understand that you''re more disappointed because he didn''t plan in advance to set aside money for the ring...but we have to remember that sometimes boys can''t multi-task and plan for more than one thing at a time!

In terms of the fact that you no longer want to be married...maybe you just don''t want to get your hopes up. Which is ok. It''s better than getting really excited about something and then crashing down with disappointment when it doesn''t happen. At the same time, although you always dreamed of a wedding, people grow and change, and maybe that''s just not a priority anymore. Figure out what''s important to you. Picture yourself in 5-10 years. Do you see yourself as Mrs. __ with a rock on your finger? In a couple of years do you see yourself in a wedding gown giving a speech at your wedding? If you do...then you probably do want to get married still...you just don''t have the LIWitis that most of us do! (which definitely isn''t a bad thing!

YOu sound like you''re just going with the flow and enjoying your time with your BF. If you feel the resentment growing or your LIWitis flare up, talk it out with your BF.

Chocolatefudge, I just realized that this didn''t come out the way I wanted it to. What I meant was that I can''t relate to what you''re going through because 8 years of history is considerably more intense than 4!

I agree with bee...you need to start focusing on YOU and YOUR needs and wishes. It seems like you''re putting those on the backburner so that you can meet your BF''s needs. I don''t know your history and I haven''t read your past posts, but it seems like you need to let your BF know how important this it to you...and now that you have the house, there really aren''t any more excuses, right?

 

[iheartscience]

I think you definitely shouldn''t have bought the house without getting engaged first, because you basically proved to him that you will remain in the relationship indefinitely no matter what you say you want.

Why are your wants/needs put behind his? You want to get engaged first, he wants to buy a house first, so you buy a house with him? I''d be more than a little upset and over it if I were you. If it is important for you to be engaged/married and he says the ring is a barrier, why don''t you just get engaged without an expensive diamond ring?

I think you should put your foot down, although I''m not sure how you could do that now that you''ve bought the house together. I think a serious talk about the future of your relationship is in order. After 8 years and a house together, him not being ready to get engaged is pretty ridiculous and perhaps ominous. I hope everything works out in your favor, but 3 years of engagement talk with no proposal is pretty rough.

I realize this sounds horribly negative, but your hopelessness about the situation really shows in your posts and it doesn''t seem as if you are happy with things the way they are...

 

[Hera]

First of all, it was not silly that that you would have wanted to get engaged before buying a house, especially considering most areas are still in a decline and will likely stay there for quite some time. I would be mad also if I let my wants be placed to the side and his wishes become fulfilled.

The biggest issue seems to be the fact that this man is not displaying signs as a procrastinator. You saw that he wanted to buy a house and then he went for it. So why hasn''t he proposed to you if he wants to do that? It''s a big red flag and one that needs to be addressed. I agree maybe talking about an alternate type of engagement ring would be in order here and a timeline placed and honored.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 11/13/2008 5:11:50 PM
Author: chocolatefudge

The main problem is that when I ask him about marriage he ALWAYS says, ''I''m ready, I will ask you.'' But he won''t say when. Deep down I think I know that he isn''t ready yet and I just have to sit it out and wait until he is. I just wish he would be honest with me- he''s been promising me for the last three years and it''s starting to get ridiculous (in my eyes!) I don''t think he means to do it, he just wants to say what I want to hear but then he never follows it through.

Of course I wouldn''t expect him to save a down payment for a house and an engagement ring, what has upset me is that he promised it would happen before Christmas (this was way before the house) yet he never bothered to even look at rings, which tells me he wasn''t serious about it. We''ve only been deciding on the hosue since September so he hadn''t left himself much time and I really don''t think he would have done it.

Have you told him this? Because it is ridiculous to be talking for 3 years with no progress made toward actually doing it. Arg...I don''t really know how to say what I want without it coming out wrong, but if the house thing only came up in September, I would have gotten engaged with a silver band. If he hadn''t even starting looking at rings but was all excited to buy a house, I think you got the raw end of the deal.

 

[gwendolyn]

First of all, YAY that you're back!! We've missed you, sweetie.

Second of all, what type of a person is your boyfriend? Is he a procrastinator? Because the main thing you sound upset about is that he promised by the end of this year (before the change of plan to buy the house), and he wasn't looking at rings well enough in advance. I guess my point is just that, if he's usually not a planner/way-in-advance type of guy, then maybe his lack of research about rings was nothing more than just him being his usual self? There's also the matter of it maybe being possible that he doesn't know (the way a PSer would know) exactly how long it can take to find the right diamond and get a stone set. Maybe he thinks he'd just walk into a store and buy it the same day, and therefore wouldn't need to do anything beforehand? Dunno, just wondering.

It worries me slightly that you talk about feeling bitter but that you're getting along fine. Do you think that, one day, you might blow up at him with a bunch of pent up bitterness? How are you coping with these feelings?

I can only imagine how frustrated you must be after such a while, and don't find it terribly surprising that you've burned out a bit about it all. In your place, I would try (and maybe fail, but try!) to enjoy the house (which is a HUGE deal!!!!!!! Congrats!!!!) and the fact that you are now paying off your own place instead of renting and just let him do his thing for a while. If you see yourself with him forever, just sit back for a while and enjoy owning your own home with your honey; the rest will come.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Once again- thank you ladies!

I an see where all of you are coming from from your many different angles. I have just been thinking about what my SO may say if he was to be replying to the thread and trying to see it from HIS angle.
I think firstly he would comment that I was excited about buying the house and it was actually me who said that I didn''t want to look at renting somewhere else and it was time to buy. However, the whole situation seemed to be taken from my hands as the landlord decided to sell up! If he hadn''t said this then I would have stayed put as we had talked about buying next year (when I presumed we would be engaged!)

The house we have bought is really fantastic and nicer than anything I ever thought we would afford. Everything seemed to fall into place with this and I''m a great believer in fate and everything happening for a reason and I''m sure the house did happen for a reason. BUT this doesn''t take away the fact that I have to admit that my SO has basically lied to me for a couple of years now and it doesn''t take away my worry that he will never ask me. That then makes me worry that he can''t love me enough - but then as he constantly points out- why would he have bought a house with me?

At them moment he says he hasn''t the money to afford a ring or a wedding, but when I think back over the past 18 months of living together I can''t think of a reason why he didn''t ask me then- aside from not wanting to!

Our conversations ALWAYS go the same way.

Me: When are we going to get maried.
Him: Soon, I want to.
Me: When is soon?
Him: I don;t know.
Me: Well have you thought about it?
Him: I''ve had a few little ideas.
Me: Oooo like what?
Him: I''m not telling you, stop asking about it.

Grrr!!! He gets away with so much by saying he wants it to be a surprise when what he could really mean is that it''s just not something he''s interested in discussing!
Sometimes he will discuss it with me and I''ll feel really hopeful but nothing ever comes from it!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/14/2008 12:55:42 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Once again- thank you ladies!


I an see where all of you are coming from from your many different angles. I have just been thinking about what my SO may say if he was to be replying to the thread and trying to see it from HIS angle.

I think firstly he would comment that I was excited about buying the house and it was actually me who said that I didn''t want to look at renting somewhere else and it was time to buy. However, the whole situation seemed to be taken from my hands as the landlord decided to sell up! If he hadn''t said this then I would have stayed put as we had talked about buying next year (when I presumed we would be engaged!)


The house we have bought is really fantastic and nicer than anything I ever thought we would afford. Everything seemed to fall into place with this and I''m a great believer in fate and everything happening for a reason and I''m sure the house did happen for a reason. BUT this doesn''t take away the fact that I have to admit that my SO has basically lied to me for a couple of years now and it doesn''t take away my worry that he will never ask me. That then makes me worry that he can''t love me enough - but then as he constantly points out- why would he have bought a house with me?


At them moment he says he hasn''t the money to afford a ring or a wedding, but when I think back over the past 18 months of living together I can''t think of a reason why he didn''t ask me then- aside from not wanting to!


Our conversations ALWAYS go the same way.


Me: When are we going to get maried.

Him: Soon, I want to.

Me: When is soon?

Him: I don;t know.

Me: Well have you thought about it?

Him: I''ve had a few little ideas.

Me: Oooo like what?

Him: I''m not telling you, stop asking about it.


Grrr!!! He gets away with so much by saying he wants it to be a surprise when what he could really mean is that it''s just not something he''s interested in discussing!

Sometimes he will discuss it with me and I''ll feel really hopeful but nothing ever comes from it!

Re: the first bolded section--how had he lied to you? (I''m asking honestly--I don''t remember if he''s broken promises.) What''s he been saying for a couple of years, that you''ll be engaged ''soon?'' Or that it will happen at all? Have you had hard-fixed deadlines that he''s let pass by? If he says he wants to marry you, do you not believe him? You know that your definition of ''soon'' is probably not the same as his.

Re: the second bolded part, what sort of ring have you hinted about wanting? Could it be a financial issue? Could he have some impression that you want some hugely fabulous but pricey dream engagement ring? Could he feel over his head with it all? Can you offer to help him shop when it''s time, in case he''s feeling overwhelmed?

Sorry, babe, just trying to help. I just wish there was more useful insight to share. Clearly you know him and your situation a million times better than we do, and are better able to guess at what''s going on in his head. But really, it''s got to come from him. You want me to email him for ya?

 

[Bia]

Hi Chocolatefudge...good to see you again. Congrats on purchasing a new home--that''s wonderful news!

I have a question. Do you think him stalling with the engagement is about the ring only? If it is (hoping that it is), would you be open to a much more affordable but temporary ring? This way he can save, comfortably, for your dream ring and you''ll both be happily engaged?

I understand your dilemma as I too am wondering about what lies in my engagement future. Although, my BF already saved & spent his down payment (4 years ago) so I know he''s got the funds. ha!

If you feel that your BF is not ready, with or without the ring, then you have to decide what''s really important to you. If living together and owning a home together is okay for now, then great. If its not, don''t shortchange yourself girl. He should know that this "limbo" state is not something you''re willing to extend for very much longer.

Good luck honey.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Well i just tried to talk to him about it... again! And he got rweally annoyed as soon as I started and said he was sick of talking about it and wasn''t going to tell me anything different. What does that mean?? I asked him that and he said he doesn''t know when it will happen and he''s not going to tell me anyway! We had a horrible argument and I got upset. After we''d both camed down a bit we had a chat and he said he does want to marry me and feels more like he does since we have bought the house. He says he wants to get me a nice ring and he needs to save for it. I told him I don''t care about the ring but he said he wants it to be nice.

Anyway he''s just come across to me and when I minimised the screen he says he knows what I''m on and I may as well tell him what I''ve written because he can just get on anyway and read it! Then he says he has his own username on here!
I''m getting so many mixed messages from him, I don''t know what''s going on. Anyway he could be on here reading this right now, although I really don''t care

 

[gwendolyn]

Hey, if he''s got his own username, maybe that''s because he HAS been doing some research on diamonds!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Okay, I am in kind of the same situation with my boyfriend. We have been together four and a half years, but I know we won''t get engaged anytime soon (ugh after college, MY college: 3 years at least). At this point, I am starting to feel like we are just stuck in this thing that is really hard to get out of.

How old are you? I don''t know if you said that but I think that has something to do with it too, whether you want to spend your time doing this. I know in my head I have my own timeline, just for myself, that I want things to happen at a certain time, and when they don''t, I get frustrated. Sorry I didn''t really tie how our situations are similar, but I definitely feel frustrated and sensed the frustration in your posts.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Hi chocolatefudge, it''s great to see you back here!

Sorry you''re having a hard time, and I hope things turn around for you soon. With that said, from your posts, it seems that your needs and wants are always being put before his. He wants a house, he ends up getting a house, he wants to get you a nice ring, a surprise proposal, while it would make you feel better if you had a real time line, and maybe a smaller ring.

This situation doesn''t sound like it''s doing either of you any good. You say you''re getting a long fine, but if he gets annoyed with you when you want to talk about your future, you''re not getting along. Talking about your future should be fun and exciting, not cause for a fight.

I think your SO has been getting everything he wants, no matter what the cirumstances. It''s time that he realizes that sometimes in life, because of circumstances that he, himself has created perhaps a surprise proposal and a big fancy ring are not right for you as a couple. It''s time to get back to the real world, and mend things with you, if he does want to be with you. If/when you do get engaged, it may not be a "finally" kind of moment, it will be very special for you, but don''t kid yourself you will still have to forgive him for all the heartache he''s caused you. It may take you a very long tim to get over this, and not be angry at him. He has to know that he''s caused you a lot of pain, and has to acknowledge it, and preferrably apologize. Bitterness doesn''t go away on its own.

That said, I don''t think he will do that until you put your foot down and DEMAND that your needs be met, and are no less important than his. Honestly, I''m hearing a lot of bs on his part, and I think it''s time you call him on it. He may be annoyed, but you''re way more than annoyed. The emotional trauma you''re describing here (not wanting to get married anymore, even though that''s what you wanted, but still staying in this relationship indefinitely??) does not say "love" to me. I just want to take your SO and shake him!

 

[purselover]

Hi Chocolatefudge, first off congratulations on your new house. Secondly I''m sorry you''re so upset about all of this.

One thing I would like to mention and I hope you don''t take offense, but you did agree to buy a house together without an engagement, so it seems a little unfair now that you''re resenting your SO for it. He didn''t make you buy the house, and even if you did think a ring would come, nothing''s guaranteed and you should''ve thought about what would happen if he didn''t ask.

I also agree with others who have said how unfair on his end that he refuses to discuss a more specific time line. He''s had 3 years and has done nothing, it''s time for him to get serious. If you want to get married and you really don''t think he''s ready that''s a big problem, especially since you can''t seem to have an honest conversation about it. I think you need to tell him it''s not okay to get mad at you for talking about engagement,you have a right to know where you stand, and "I''m ready, I''ll ask" is not a good response. You need specifics! Talk is cheap, if he''s so ready then he needs to get down on one knee.

I hope you two can have a real honest chat about this and you can get the answers you want, but you should also think about what happens next if he says he''s not ready, is that something you can come to terms with?