Bad economy....elope?

[Hudson_Hawk]

So this afternoon I made a HUGE mistake. I read the newspaper. So of course I read the many articles about how bad the US economy is doing and how tough this recession is going to be. I started to think, is now really the best time to be spending $15k+ on one day? I don''t think this is an easy question to answer even when the market is good, but I feel like we really need to stop and reassess our priorities before we put down any more deposits. I''m a realist so I know that even with good paying jobs and a reasonable mortgage, we very well may find ourselves in need of that extra $ next year for non-wedding related costs. Who knows where our finances will be by the time the catering bill comes in. I''m just afraid that we''re planning something for what we can afford NOW, which might be something we can''t afford in May 2009.

So I was thinking about eloping. I know FI would do it in a heartbeat and really the only person who might have a problem with it is my mother. But she and my dad eloped so maybe she''ll be ok with it? I feel like cutting the guest list isn''t an option because it''s really as low as it can go-other than immediate family (who would not be much fun).

Am I crazy for stressing about this? I just feel like we have time to turn things around and do something smart and responsible...

 

[neatfreak]

My one question is: Will you regret in 10, 20, 30 years that you didn''t have a real wedding? If the answer is yes, then DON''T ELOPE. If you are having the big wedding for other people and not for yourselves, then it certainly makes sense to think about this option.

But ONLY if this is what you want. Otherwise you''ll regret it IMO.

Couldn''t you just scale down a bit? I know you are on the east coast but surely you don''t HAVE to spend $15k...

 

[MoonWater]

I agree with neatfreak, it needs to be something you actually want to do and won''t regret later. Personally, I''m all for eloping, but FF kept making comments that led me to believe he would prefer something more formal in order to mark the occassion. I still wanted something severely small and thought a nice party afterwards would do. Well I started looking at venues in the area and found this cute little place that offers an elopement package. It includes the ceremony, flowers, and a professional photographer. The location is gorgeous and you can have up to 10 guests. The total costs is a little over $1600. In my eyes that was perfect. However, I have always been against paying a lot of money for a wedding. I figure I''d prefer money to go toward the down payment on a house or to send a future kid to college rather than a fancy wedding.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I would LOVE to elope. Seriously, run away together and tie the knot. But I''d also LOVE to have a big wedding, the whole nine yards.

FI has been married before so he''s done the big wedding thing. As for regretting it? I don''t know if I will or not. I never missed seeing my mom''s pictures (Mom and Dad eloped) and they divorced when I was really young so the whole marriage thing doesn''t hold much fantasy for me. I know it''s not a fairy tale.

I feel like our guest list is already as small as it''s going to get and I''m cutting corners everywhere I can think of. But the vendors around where we are are outrageous. Even for a simple cocktail reception they''re quoting $50-70 per head.

I just wonder if the $ would be better used elsewhere (we already own a house)

 

[diamondringlover]

I was in your shoes 25 years ago, we were broke I even had to borrow money to buy my dress, I thought of eloping, actually had planned on it, but everyone talked me out of it and I had the big wedding. I dont regret it, I have the memory and pictures and video tape (this is a rare thing from 25 years ago!) , to this day, I still watch my video tape on my anniversary. I say go with the big wedding, just try to scale it back, I think you may regret not having the big wedding.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/17/2008 5:21:18 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

I would LOVE to elope. Seriously, run away together and tie the knot. But I''d also LOVE to have a big wedding, the whole nine yards.

FI has been married before so he''s done the big wedding thing. As for regretting it? I don''t know if I will or not. I never missed seeing my mom''s pictures (Mom and Dad eloped) and they divorced when I was really young so the whole marriage thing doesn''t hold much fantasy for me. I know it''s not a fairy tale.

I feel like our guest list is already as small as it''s going to get and I''m cutting corners everywhere I can think of. But the vendors around where we are are outrageous. Even for a simple cocktail reception they''re quoting $50-70 per head.

I just wonder if the $ would be better used elsewhere (we already own a house)

Just out of curiosity, what''s your guest list at now? Do you think there''s a possibility that over time, a few more people will be added to the list by either your family or your FI''s?

I agree with the others. If you look ahead and in 10, 15, 20+ years from now you''ll wonder about the wedding that could have been, will you regret it?

I forget what you''re doing for your honeymoon. Would you cut back on that or choose an alternate destination instead? That could help you save.

 

[zoebartlett]

Also, I think Surfgirl brought this up a while back. Just because you elope doesn''t necessarily mean you''ll have a much less expensive wedding. Yes, it could be significant enough but some people want to elope and still live it up (someone on here recently I think mentioned that). I think the overall cost just depends on how you do it.

 

[lovehersomuch]

the current market status whether we are in a recession or not should not effect you unless you are breaking the bank and going all out on the wedding.. obviously you should have money set aside in savings and an emergency fund in case you ever need it. if you spend 15k on a wedding that would not effect your lifestyle then there should be no issues.

are you looking to buy a house down the line or anything? if you have other expenses lined up in the future then i would def prioritize accordingly.. the economy should not effect your wedding but it could help out positively if these vendors see a slow down and need your business they may be able to give you better deals and you could have more leverage for negotiations......

 

[Octavia]

I think that, for most of us, there''s always going to be something more practical to spend money on than a wedding. If you''re renting, then you could buy a house...if you''ve already got a house, then it''ll need a new roof or the boiler will go...and so on, and so on. Even a modest wedding can be hideously expensive, especially in big cities. But if you really want a wedding with friends and family present and aren''t going into debt for it, then I agree that just because the economy is slowing down, it shouldn''t preclude you from having that. On the other hand, if what you really want is to elope, then why not?

I used to frequent a forum about finances, and I noticed that that so many people never save a dime and pay for just about everything on credit, but the people who do plan ahead and save up for fun things feel guilty about spending the money on the thing it was always intended to buy. This was true whether it was a big screen TV, a nice vacation, whatever. It does make sense that once the the is money in the bank it''s really difficult to let go of it, but at the same time it''s important to strike a balance between being practical and still treating yourself to things that are important to you (within reason).

 

[staceybelle]

I''ve been feeling the same way today too. I think it was a particularly depressing news day because of the fallout from the Bear Stearns firesale.

My divorced parents are splitting the cost of the wedding. They''ve already saved up their respective contributions, but my stepdad works for Lehman Brothers, which could potentially go the way of Bear Stearns, and I sort of want to tell my mom to add what she''s saved for the wedding to their emergency fund just in case. I''m definitely feeling guilty over it, but we''re less than three months away from the wedding and it''s a little too late to start undoing everything we''ve spent the last fifteen months working toward.

So, to answer your question, I don''t think you''re crazy for feeling the way you do. However, I don''t think this is an easy question and it''s one for you and your FI to sort out together. You''re the only ones who know what you''ll be comfortable with wedding-wise, and you''re the only ones who will have to deal with the financial decision you make. Your mother and the rest of your family won''t.

I would definitely wait for a better news cycle to make a decision, though. Today has been a bummer, and the next few days probably won''t be much better. Think about it for a while. Who knows, maybe things could get better sooner than we thought. (I''m not holding my breath, but miracles do happen.)

 

[Anna0499]

I agree with the other posters about regretting the decision down the road but I also think that eloping can be tastefully and romantically done in such a way that you might not regret it after all. You could always elope and then have a small, somewhat informal reception at a restaurant or banquet hall or something like that. (Again, like the earlier poster said, I''m not sure if this would actually be cheaper but I''m sure you could find a way - $50-$70/head would get you some nice dinners!) I have often thought about eloping when planning my (very) future wedding because it just sounded so much easier but my family would be very disappointed and even hurt because of their cultural tradition of celebrating weddings very elaborately. However, like you, I would like a big wedding as well so I will not be eloping. Good luck with the decision!

 

[CrookedRock]

My sister was one of those girls who dreamed of the fairy tale dress, wedding, & day! She went ahead and did all that, and it was a great wedding. I have never been that girl and when I tell her of our plans she gasps. She has zero regrets, and it''s bc she did what she always wanted. If I did the same thing she did, I would probably regret it. I have always wanted to elope with the one other person the day is about, I never wanted to make it about pleasing 300 other people. That being said, I am a social butterfly, so we will have a party to celebrate. We have not decided yet whether we will do it before or after the wedding, I will probably depend on timing seasons wise...

I think it''s really smart that you as well as others are considering our economy and what that may mean for us in the future. Actually it is really refreshing! Yes I am young, but I have a bf who is extermely successful and in the financial world. One of the reasons for his success is that he has been predicting this economy for a while now. It is something we talk about often. When we mention it in front of some of other friends they are so clueless about what is going on in the world, and it''s kinda hard to understand other successful people being in the dark about the state of our economy. I always knew I was dealing with smart people here, I love it!
Side note... Yes we do plan on eloping... But it will not ncessairly be cheaper than a wedding (depending on the wedding)...

Just my thoughts bc i read this last night, and thought about it again this am...

 

[tberube]

You know, Hudson, it''s funny you bring this up because I was giving some serious thought to this same idea yesterday. With my photographer bailing on me and my guitarist on the way out, I''m starting to wonder whether I''m even meant to have the big wedding. I mean, I never really wanted it anyway, I just wanted to wear a pretty dress and have a bunch of people to celebrate with. I can do all that without the "wedding" day, right? It''s really too bad that I thought of it mere days after sending out the save-the-dates, because if I changed my mind now I would have to call each and every person I sent a card to and explain the change of heart.

Weddings are expensive, and they''re a lot of trouble. There are days when I wonder if it''s worth it, too, especially in this poor economy and after just having bought a new house and everything. I just want to be married...ya know?

Heh. Not like I have any truly positive advice. I just wanted to commiserate.

 

[areagirlsbestfriend]

Hudson -

I think that unless you have real fear that you or your FH (or anyone else who may be contributing) will be losing their jobs due to the recession, then you should go ahead with plans as usual ... but just keeping in mind that everything in moderation. Not giving in to last minute changes that could up the budget, etc. And above all, just socking away every spare dollar you have.

I work in politics, not in the finance world, so maybe my view on the economy is a bit different. Personally, as someone who''s boss is a high-level elected official in the US gov''t., I tend to agree with his views on the current state of the economy. He''s a smart, smart man and so I value his opinion and insider information over the media. I think the media blows things up and makes people run scared. I''m not denying that there are some implications of a recession, or that the dollar is weakening, or that gas prices suck ... but we''re far from a depression, which is basically how it''s being made out in the media. The housing mess is an entirely different story, in my opinion, and not completely relative to the economy.

I digress.

To get back to YOUR point, I feel your pain! I too have wondered the same thing: should we REALLY be spending this much money on one day? Sometimes I think it would be smarter financially to just scrap the entire party and elope. But I want that day ... not at any cost, but I want it. And I know, for me, I would 100% regret it if I didn''t have it. I don''t need the best of everything or to spend excess money on things that don''t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I want to have a nice party, with good music and food, pretty dresses and lots of friends and family. And of course the beautiful pictures to document it all.

It''s really going to come down to what''s important to you. If you''d prefer to elope at this point, and wouldn''t regret not having the day, then go for it! And then use all that extra money for something more ... practical, I guess.

It''s a tough call, I hope this helps at least somewhat ...

 

[niceice]

My late wife Robin and I eloped and it was wonderful! We went down to Cabo San Lucas Mexico and arranged to be married on the deck of the hotel where we were staying, the deck looked out over the ocean and a rainbow appeared over the ocean as we took our vows. It rained a little during our ceremony and we were a little upset about that until several of the locals began touching Robin''s hair as we walked by and started calling her the rainbow bride - as it turns out, it is good luck for it to rain at a wedding when the area has been in a draught. (Cabo San Lucas was a small town when we got married)

The ceremony was a bit abstract, everybody at the hotel decided to get involved in one way or another... The hotel manager showed up wearing his best duds which happened to be a very crisp Marlboro cigarette promotion jacket, the vows were in Spanish and Robin hit me in the middle of the ceremony and said "don''t even think about it" when she realized that part of the vows tranlslated to the equivelent of she would "love me and bare me sons, obey me, etc." I actually have a photograph of the wind being knocked out of me and everybody laughing around here somewhere... Family was invited to fly down and a few did, the invititation was there for those who wanted to make the trip. All in all, it made for a very memorable and entertaining experience. Naturally Robin denounced certain conditions of the marital vows as soon as we entered U.S. air space on the trip home, but I fixed that on the next trip down to Mexico by arranging for the pilot to announce when we had passed over into Mexican air space "May I have your attention please, we''ve just passed into Mexican air space and Robin Gray you are hereby advised that you have to obey your husband once again..." I got lovingly smacked again and everybody seated close to us on the plane wanted to hear our wedding story because they wanted to know why she seemed so intent on killing me while I was laughing so hard. Good times, good memories.

I think that how you choose to get married is not as important as the experience that you make of it

 

[saltymuffin]

Hudson, How much have you already put down in deposits? If it is substantial I wouldn''t cancel the wedding for money reasons until you know you are, or will be, hurting for money.

Don''t make your decision to elope based on the American economy. Loads of people get married and have weddings in the worst financial situations. The current economy might have made you more aware of the value of your money and what is really important to you - maybe you still want the wedding, but maybe you want to scale down (not numbers, but quality)? Or maybe you are realising that you don''t want to sacrifice other areas of your life for a big wedding?

We eloped for a number of reasons. Neither of us really like being the centre of attention, our families are on opposite sides of the country, and one side doesn''t have the means to travel, we had already been living together for years, and we would rather spend our $ on a home. I have NO regrets - it was amazing. We went to the coast, stayed in an oceanfront suite, got married on the beach, had a great dinner and cake and got some amazing photos. I spent more $ on my jewelry and flowers than I did on my ebay dress. It was totally "us" - but it isn''t for everyone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

look at having your wedding as HELPING the economy. After all your vendors have bills and families too

My dad half jokingly, half seriously offered me money to elope. As tempting as it was I LOVED my wedding. It was perfect and those memories are *priceless*. I still get emotional when I see my photos or watch the video. If you would regret not having a wedding don''t stress about the money. If you would regret not eloping well then you should elope.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/17/2008 6:48:28 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Also, I think Surfgirl brought this up a while back. Just because you elope doesn''t necessarily mean you''ll have a much less expensive wedding. Yes, it could be significant enough but some people want to elope and still live it up (someone on here recently I think mentioned that). I think the overall cost just depends on how you do it.

Yes, zoe, I did indeed say that! When we eloped, it was a planned elopment and even though it was just the two of us, it was really a mini wedding so it wasn''t cheap by any means. We had all the wedding elements (amazing venue, officiant, flowers, dress, photographer, honeymoon accommodation splurge, special dinner, wedding cake, etc...) just without the guests (which was great because we ate wedding cake for three days after that)...which was our choice as we wanted it to be only us there. Sure you can do it on the cheap, local city hall and out to dinner and spend very little. We chose to have a very private mini wedding so we spent money on it as we hope to do it only once in our lifetime - but for what it cost us we could probably have had a small elegant wedding for 30-50ppl. It''s all about what works for you HH. I think you''ve mentioned in the past wanting to elope, haven''t you? I cant remember if that was you or not. There''s no right or wrong, just what you and your FI really want.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 3/18/2008 12:20:50 PM
Author: niceice
My late wife Robin and I eloped and it was wonderful! We went down to Cabo San Lucas Mexico and arranged to be married on the deck of the hotel where we were staying, the deck looked out over the ocean and a rainbow appeared over the ocean as we took our vows. It rained a little during our ceremony and we were a little upset about that until several of the locals began touching Robin''s hair as we walked by and started calling her the rainbow bride - as it turns out, it is good luck for it to rain at a wedding when the area has been in a draught. (Cabo San Lucas was a small town when we got married)

The ceremony was a bit abstract, everybody at the hotel decided to get involved in one way or another... The hotel manager showed up wearing his best duds which happened to be a very crisp Marlboro cigarette promotion jacket, the vows were in Spanish and Robin hit me in the middle of the ceremony and said ''don''t even think about it'' when she realized that part of the vows tranlslated to the equivelent of she would ''love me and bare me sons, obey me, etc.'' I actually have a photograph of the wind being knocked out of me and everybody laughing around here somewhere... Family was invited to fly down and a few did, the invititation was there for those who wanted to make the trip. All in all, it made for a very memorable and entertaining experience. Naturally Robin denounced certain conditions of the marital vows as soon as we entered U.S. air space on the trip home, but I fixed that on the next trip down to Mexico by arranging for the pilot to announce when we had passed over into Mexican air space ''May I have your attention please, we''ve just passed into Mexican air space and Robin Gray you are hereby advised that you have to obey your husband once again...'' I got lovingly smacked again and everybody seated close to us on the plane wanted to hear our wedding story because they wanted to know why she seemed so intent on killing me while I was laughing so hard. Good times, good memories.

I think that how you choose to get married is not as important as the experience that you make of it

Great story! A ringing endorsement for eloping

Hudson Hawk, is this your "play money" or "pay the mortgage money"? I work with a lot of smart people and they seem to be shoring up their finances.

 

[Daydreamer7130]

HH,

I do not think you are crazy at all. In fact, everyone should answer that question of whether it''s a good idea to spend 15 grand on one day or have parents who are financially struggling take out a second mortgage on the house to give their daughter their dream wedding (not that this is your case, but just another point).

You might want to explore the reasons of why you want a 15 grand wedding. I suggest that you take your time and do some soul searching and write everything down that comes to mind. That way you can actually see what you are thinking and can ponder over it later.

For instance, have you dreamed of that white dress and your dad walking you down the isle? or dancing with daddy at the reception?

After you''ve made your list and did some soul searching, ask yourself if these things that are important to you and can they be accomplished with an elopement? Yes, you still can have a white dress with daddy walking you down the isle in Las Vegas (example). You can still have a great photographer document the pre ceremony, ceremony and post ceremony. And you can send out announcements with your photo on the card to everyone you would have invited.

My FI and I are in our 40s and this is not our first marriage. We are eloping to St. Lucia and what was important to us was the photographer. We live in Ohio and hired a fantastic photographer from the Carolinas to come with us to St. Lucia. We are sending out announcements to family and friends with our photograph.

My point being, figure out what is important to you then go with it.

Good luck!

 

[VRBeauty]

Hudson: Iff I'm reading between the lines correctly, the economic news has given you permission to ask some questions about the wedding that were kind of waiting in the wings anyway. Whether you're reacting to jitters in the economy or having wedding planning jitters of your own, you've received some great input here. The only thing I'd add is
that you don't necesarily have to see it as a choice between a wedding and a mortgage payment. It can also be between a wedding and a really great trip for you and your hubby, or or some other activity you can share that would be a great way to start your life and build memories together.

Good luck!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

No you''re not crazy for stressing about it. I think your Mom would probably be upset. Maybe she wants you to have a wedding since she eloped. I know my Grandma eloped and she really wants to see my wedding just like she wanted to see my Mom''s because of it. Sigh I know what you mean about the guest list. When I saw the rest of the list being added by family (although it wasn''t completely outrageous) I wanted to elope.

 

[zhuzhu]

We eloped on 3/28 this year and it was the day I felt most beautiful all my life! We had the money and could have planned huge wedding next year, but given a choice of moving into our new house as husband and wife versus fiance and fiancee, we chose to buy a home as a married couple and use the wedding fund towards a bigger downpay. In the near future we can always host re-ceremony or receptions, so there is not a single regret in our case.

 

[surfgirl]

HH, what did you decide dear?

 

[miraclesrule]

I don''t think you''re Mom has a right to be that upset since she herself eloped. But if she is, then you can always tell her that if she wants you to have a wedding that bad, she can pay for it.