Being in an Interfaith Relationship

[ladypirate]

First off, I wanted to let everyone know that I cleared this with the moderators ahead of time, and they said to go ahead and post.

As we get closer to getting engaged/married, the topic of faith has been the one thing that SO and I have trouble agreeing on. To put it simply: I am religious, he is not. This has really come up in the past couple of weeks, because I found a church I like and have started attending regularly. I don''t think I realized how much it would bother me that he doesn''t want to go with me. He''s said he''ll attend on major holidays and whatnot, but I guess growing up I always thought of going to church as something you did as a family. After talking about it for a while, he''s agreed to come with me next Sunday with an open mind, and I''ve agreed that if he doesn''t like it, I won''t make him go.

When we were living in Southern California, I wasn''t attending church regularly (basically major holidays) and he came with me when I did. I guess I didn''t realize it would be such an issue when I wanted to go every Sunday. I want to respect his beliefs, but at the same time, it''s difficult for me that he doesn''t want to be a part of an important part of my life. It''s not like I''m asking him to convert, or be baptized, or even have a religious wedding.

It has also brought up what we''ll do when we have kids--he doesn''t think that they should have to go to church whereas I think it''s important. I''m not sure exactly how to resolve some of these issues. The funny thing is that we have almost the same spiritual/moral beliefs; we just go about them in different ways. He can''t understand why I (or our potential children) would need religion to frame them.

Is anyone else dealing with something like this? I''m feeling really torn over it. For now, I''m just taking it one (Sun)day at a time.

 

[sklingem]

Ladypirate -
unfortunately there won''t be a perfect solution for this. I am glad though that both of you try to work it out and keep an open mind. With respect to your FH, it really is up to him as to whether we wants to attend church or not. Faith can''t be forced upon a person as you have pointed out. If he wants to go - that''s great. If not, I am afraid you will have to accept it and may have to go on your own (maybe with friends?). With respect to children - I would adopt a wait and see attitude. I am always in favor of letting children make an informed decision once they are old enough to do it when it comes to religion. At the same time if your FH does not have any strong feelings about it, you may bring them up based on a particular religious faith and/or take them to church. BUT! You need to exactly work out with your FH how the both of you may answer your children''s questions - i.e. why you are not on the "same page" when it comes to going to church etc. In any case - remember that you are on the same page when it comes to beliefs, and that is the most important aspect in the end.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My Fi and I are of different faiths and it is not a problem. We are both strongly of the belief that there is no one truth, just different truths for different people. As such, we see religion as intensely personal and couldn''t imagine trying to convert the other. Frankly, I think your FI has been more than fair and just because his faith is not as strong does not mean he should be forced to compromise more, which it sounds like you are asking him to do. I also think raising children with no particular faith is best as it lets them decide what is best for them. That''s how both my FI and I were raised and we are much happier for it. If your kids want to go to church with mom they can and if they want to stay home with dad, they can, sounds fair to me.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m not particularly religious although I am more so than my FI. He doesn''t attend church at all whereas I try to make an effort to go and contribute as well.

My take on the children is that religion adds a lot more than just a one sided faith for them. They grow up believing in something and that''s important to me. Once they are old enough to understand and make choices for themselves, then they can decide whether to continue going to church or choose another religion or decide they don''t believe in a higher being.

So we talked about it (because he also didn''t agree with our future children attending Catholic church just because I''m Catholic) and I pretty much told him that unless he plans on teaching them the story of the bible and making sure they are informed enough to make their own decisions then I will be taking them to church so that they learn. If he prefers that we all go to a non-denominational church then that''s fine by me.

As far as getting him to go into church with you, well that''s not really your choice you know? It would be great if he attended with you but he''s an adult that made a decision to not show faith in that form and there''s nothing wrong with that. As long as he keeps an open mind about your choice then there shouldn''t bee too much of a problem (i.e. he shouldn''t be knocking you down for attending church or getting into debates over it, that''s your choice and he should support that).

 

[allycat0303]

Well I don''t see it as much of different faiths being a problem. Rather I think it''s more of a difference of "the place religion will play in your life", and "the place religion should play in your children''s life" You want to attend church together, and he''s not that into it. Honestly, I would not personally mind if my guy went to church, but I would really mind if he insisted that I attend with him, especially since I don''t believe in God that much. I think it''s important for you to come to terms with where you stand on this, and how important it is to you. I don''t think it is necessarily a dealbreaker, but can cause a lot of disension. My aunt and uncle got divorced because she found religion late in life, and really wanted him to attend with her. He really didn''t want to, and they fought ALL THE TIME. Both were very stubborn and ended up getting divorced. Married 20+ years with 2 children none the less.

 

[FrekeChild]

My parents are hardcore Catholics. FF''s mom was Catholic and his dad was...agnostic/atheist.

Both of us are agnostic.

I think my experience as a child is more applicable than our current situation, so I''ll go with that. I hated hated hated going to church. To me it was a good waste of an hour and a half. Then I had Sunday school, which I didn''t mind as much because I would always volunteer to read out loud, and I liked that. But the church/religion part? I didn''t see the point. And my parents forced me to go. I did everything I could to get out of it, and when I finally got old enough, I told my mom straight up that I wasn''t going to church anymore except on Christmas, Easter and Mother''s Day because it was important to her. She took that, not only as a rejection of her faith, but also a rejection of her. She didn''t talk to me for 3 days, and when she finally did talk to me it was to try to get me to go to a therapist. The one time in my life I was grounded was because I refused to go to Sunday School. And I cried the day I got into the local Catholic high school because they insisted I go.

To this day, I am not religious. I never have been, even when I was young. My parents still are. My dad goes to mass every single day. My mom used to, but can''t anymore.

My point is that no one likes to have values pushed onto them. I still resent my parents because I would be punished for not believing in and participating in what they believed. That really damaged our relationships. I still can''t stand my SIL because she''d send me Christian stuff for holidays. It isn''t the religion that bothers me--it''s that someone is trying to push me into something I clearly don''t want anything to do with.

In the time that they finally let up on me and let me do my own thing, I have naturally exposed myself to different religions. Mostly through school with Religion, History and Art History. Religion is an important part of the human existence, and has been for a very long time.

My cousins are atheists. They raised their daughter telling her that she could chose her own religion when she felt the need. She went through a Catholic phase (her grandparents are Catholic, so it was easy) and then a Wiccan phase, and she seems to have settled on being a Baptist.

So? I suggest that you don''t try and push your FF into going to church every week--it can cause a lot of resentment. As for future children, I''d expose them to your beliefs and to others (Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Judaism etc) and perhaps baptize them if you and your FF can decide on that.

So...I think that if you want to marry him and have children together, this is just something you''re going to have to get over and let go.

Religion is a choice. I wish my parents had figured that out years (decades) ago.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 9/18/2008 5:10:19 PM
Author:ladypirate
First off, I wanted to let everyone know that I cleared this with the moderators ahead of time, and they said to go ahead and post.


As we get closer to getting engaged/married, the topic of faith has been the one thing that SO and I have trouble agreeing on. To put it simply: I am religious, he is not. This has really come up in the past couple of weeks, because I found a church I like and have started attending regularly. I don''t think I realized how much it would bother me that he doesn''t want to go with me. He''s said he''ll attend on major holidays and whatnot, but I guess growing up I always thought of going to church as something you did as a family. After talking about it for a while, he''s agreed to come with me next Sunday with an open mind, and I''ve agreed that if he doesn''t like it, I won''t make him go.


When we were living in Southern California, I wasn''t attending church regularly (basically major holidays) and he came with me when I did. I guess I didn''t realize it would be such an issue when I wanted to go every Sunday. I want to respect his beliefs, but at the same time, it''s difficult for me that he doesn''t want to be a part of an important part of my life. It''s not like I''m asking him to convert, or be baptized, or even have a religious wedding.


It has also brought up what we''ll do when we have kids--he doesn''t think that they should have to go to church whereas I think it''s important. I''m not sure exactly how to resolve some of these issues. The funny thing is that we have almost the same spiritual/moral beliefs; we just go about them in different ways. He can''t understand why I (or our potential children) would need religion to frame them.



Is anyone else dealing with something like this? I''m feeling really torn over it. For now, I''m just taking it one (Sun)day at a time.

I think that religion and spirituality is a personal choice, and that it is selfish of you to not understand why he doesn''t want to go to church. Why do you want to make him go somewhere that makes him uncomfortable, or where he feels like a hypocrite for not believing in what is being said. If it is such a big part of your life,you may need to find someone who shares your passion and beliefs. Pretty much every war ever fought throughout history can be boiled down to religion. I''d hate to see that happen to your marriage. Just because you believe, it doesn''t mean that he has to. I think that is the trouble many people have with religion - the "you''re either with us or against us " mentality. Honestly, you may not be right for each other.

 

[princess_natalie]

Hey ladypirate..

I am glad something like this came up.

I am (or was.. or I guess still technically am) in a similar situation. I was born and raised Christian Orthodox but only attended church for the holidays and events. My boyfriend was born and raised Protestant but attended church religiously. In my beliefs - Christian is Christian and I would love to raise my family just Christian - no denomination. I have dreamt of a family that attends church weekly and raises their children in a God-fearing home. When I moved out and began university I have taken further effort to commit myself and my life to God.

In the beginning stages of our relationship our different denominations became a problem and his side of the family was hesitant to approve but then we talked to them and explained that despite the fact that I was raised Orthodox, I am not the devil. Honest, this is what it came down to

It was a bigger deal in the moment and now it is fine but in re: to the differences between us..

I think it all comes down to beliefs. Personally, I do not feel religion is defined between the 4 walls of church and just going to church doesn''t make someone more religious. Because I know of people who attend church Sundays but are honestly the most sacreligious people furthest from God for the other 6 days of the week. However, I DO eventually plan to find a church with my boyfriend that we will pledge membership to and raise our family attending.

If this is something you need I almost feel like saying that it is something you''ll have to further discuss.

Religion is a HUGE part of people''s lives and although I don''t necessarily support you ''converting'' him.. if it is not something you can live with.. And I agree that it would divide the family if you do not attend church together.. I don''t know

I would hate for you to settle

 

[Pandora II]

First I think it's great that you are both communicating about this.

Secondly, this can be a HUGE issue - especially where children are concerned and you will both need to find a situation you are both happy with.

Many atheists (of the committed variety rather than the 'don't know, don't really think about it' variety) feel just as strongly about their lack of belief as religious people do about their beliefs.

I'm a lifelong atheist as is DH (despite his mother who is currently seeking ordination in the Church of England). For me it would be a dealbreaker. Over my dead body will anyone raise my children in a religious faith, and I couldn't be married to someone who believed in a deity or wanted faith to play a part in our lives. (Our political party is bad enough

).

DH feels exactly the same as I do and our children will be raised as secular humanists. They won't be isolated from religion, but they will learn about all religions, including the old Greek/Roman/Eyptian religions and why religion was important for evolution, but they will NOT be taking part in religion until they are old enough to decide what they want to do for themselves.

I dated 2 guys in the past who were vaguely religious and it caused quite a few rows - they didn't go to church at all, but they felt they would want to go with their future children and raise them as RC. It was a major reason for us breaking up both times.

I'll go to weddings and funerals and just not take part in the religious bits, but I won't attend christenings as I feel it's morally wrong for a parent to force a child into a religion without their consent. (Especially when you can't have it undone later - they don't do de-baptisms). How will you feel if once you have children, your husband refuses to have them baptised or to take confirmation?

ETA: I find your wanting him to attend with you a bit unfair. If he was a satanist, would you attend his services with him because he felt that was how things 'should be'? Not believing doesn't mean you are happy to sit every week and listen to a whole load of stuff that you neither agree nor believe in. If you want to go that's fine - I wouldn't expect him to as well though.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 9/18/2008 5:47:29 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
My Fi and I are of different faiths and it is not a problem. We are both strongly of the belief that there is no one truth, just different truths for different people. As such, we see religion as intensely personal and couldn''t imagine trying to convert the other. Frankly, I think your FI has been more than fair and just because his faith is not as strong does not mean he should be forced to compromise more, which it sounds like you are asking him to do. I also think raising children with no particular faith is best as it lets them decide what is best for them. That''s how both my FI and I were raised and we are much happier for it. If your kids want to go to church with mom they can and if they want to stay home with dad, they can, sounds fair to me.

BIH, I completely agree that there is no one truth. While I was raised in one faith, I had the influence of a lot of others mixed in. I suppose that''s why I feel so torn about this whole thing. I don''t want him to convert--when we were discussing this whole thing, I said that I would be happy to split up Sundays and do my thing half the time and his the other half. I actually think it would probably be easier for me if he actually had a religion because then I would feel like I could meet him halfway.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 9/18/2008 6:46:34 PM
Author: iluvcarats

I think that religion and spirituality is a personal choice, and that it is selfish of you to not understand why he doesn't want to go to church. Why do you want to make him go somewhere that makes him uncomfortable, or where he feels like a hypocrite for not believing in what is being said. If it is such a big part of your life,you may need to find someone who shares your passion and beliefs. Pretty much every war ever fought throughout history can be boiled down to religion. I'd hate to see that happen to your marriage. Just because you believe, it doesn't mean that he has to. I think that is the trouble many people have with religion - the 'you're either with us or against us ' mentality. Honestly, you may not be right for each other.

I don't think I ever said that I don't understand why he doesn't want to go. Logically, I completely understand it. I've never believed that religion should be forced upon anyone and I am completely against proselytizing. I really don't mind if he believes something different than I do. I certainly don't believe that "you're either with us or against us". The problem I've run up against is that I don't like being a part of a community without him, if that makes sense. As I said to BIH, if he had different beliefs that could be quantified, I'd be happy to go with him half the time and have him come with me half the time, but in this case there isn't really a way to do that.

ETA: I have to say that jumping to the conclusion that we are not right for each other because we are having difficulties reconciling one area of our lives is extraordinarily judgmental. I don't know why you'd say such a hurtful thing.

 

[MoonWater]

Hey ladypirate, I think you two will be fine. However, you may have to become more accepting and just be ok with attending on your own. I don''t think it''s bad for you to be apart of a community outside of him, in fact it may benefit your relationship having something outside of him. I was actually in a similar situation with FI in the beginning of our relationship. I wasn''t super religious but still considered myself a Christian and I prayed. FI on the other hand was borderline atheist (really he''s agnostic). I worried for a while about how we would raise children. We talked a lot about it over the years and we''ve decided that we''ll teach our kids about all religions (more of a History lesson) and we would allow our children to make that decision for themselves. Do you think you would be okay with allowing them to do that?

 

[misscuppycake]

My boyfriend and I are also of different belief systems - I am a Christian and he is an athiest. In the beginning it surprised me a bit and I wondered if it could work, but it was not long before I discovered that it is easily something we can both accept. He respects that I have my beliefs and so I must do the same for him. I know you''re disappointed that he won''t be joining you for church services but just try to think of how it would make you feel if he insisted that you practiced his "athiest beliefs" and DIDN''T go to church. It''s difficult to ask someone to change their life if they don''t believe in it. I think if you can do your best to get past it, it certainly can be something you can agree to disagree on. Some people say you shouldn''t touch a relationship with a 10-foot pole if there are religious debates/disagreements but I don''t agree with that. I think that on some level, we can make this is as simple as "You like carrots and I don''t".

 

[princesss]

First, I want to say good on you for approaching this both before the wedding.

I don't think it's really reasonable to ask him to go every week. It isn't his faith. It doesn't mean there aren't valuable lessons being taught, it's just that he doesn't believe it and feels uncomfortable there. I understand that it's hard for you to not have him there, but couldn't it be just as hard for him to go every week? Do you do other things without each other? I mean, you probably have separate workplaces and such, right? Those are communities that you belong to without each other. This can be one of those things you do as an individual because it strengthens you, and that, in turn, can make you a better partner to him. He has offered you what support he comfortably can, and I think this is one of those times where you just have to accept that he's got a limit.

I do think it's important to really hash out what you'll do with your kids now. I also believe there is a way to find a middle ground on this. It could lead to Sunday school and lessons about morality and ethics that have no basis in religion. (BF and I are struggling with this discussion ourselves, and with him being a philosophy major with a concentration in religion, it's not always the easiest discussion.) That way you encourage both religious and ethical discussions and get your kids thinking and questioning, which is always a good thing for kids to do.

I do think you'll be able to work this out. My agreement with BF at the moment is that if I want him to, he'll come check out a new church with me, and come with me as often as he feels comfortable (about once a month is his max, plus Christmas and Easter). Once we have kids, the whole family goes to church every week. Period. There is no "I don't want to go because Daddy doesn't go." He went as a kid, he feels like it probably helped him, so it'll probably help his kids. Ultimately, even though he feels like there may be traces of hypocrisy in his decision, his morals are very in sync with Christian morality, and it's ensuring his kids are taught morality. It obviously won't be the only way our kids are taught morals/ethics, but it's a guaranteed lesson in it once a week (plus cool stories and art projects in Sunday school!).

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Hi, I just wanted to add in my situation...

My boyfriend and I went to the same public high school. We are different religions- I am Roman Catholic and my boyfriend is Jewish. I went to Catholic grade school k-8 and he went to a Jewish private school through 6th grade. We have already talked about what we are going to do in this situation- we are going to teach our children what both religions mean.

I feel that a religion in no way defines whether a person is good or bad, and it is more important to me (and my boyfriend) to raise our children to be a good person- good morals, good attitudes, etc. I really fell out of my church based on the fact that my church focused on MONEY- I need this money for this, for new this, donate, if you don''t donate enough.. I know every church is not that but mine is and since then, I have really tried to find myself spiritually.

We are going to have a tough time based on what my family has to say about our children, but I think in the end, it is our decision. I hope that you will work through it. Oh yeah another thing, me and my SO decided that we are going to go to premarital counseling to sort through any issues we have. That might be a good time to talk about this situation with a mediator.

Good luck! I believe you will be able to work through this together!

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 9/18/2008 8:20:32 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 9/18/2008 6:46:34 PM

Author: iluvcarats


I think that religion and spirituality is a personal choice, and that it is selfish of you to not understand why he doesn''t want to go to church. Why do you want to make him go somewhere that makes him uncomfortable, or where he feels like a hypocrite for not believing in what is being said. If it is such a big part of your life,you may need to find someone who shares your passion and beliefs. Pretty much every war ever fought throughout history can be boiled down to religion. I''d hate to see that happen to your marriage. Just because you believe, it doesn''t mean that he has to. I think that is the trouble many people have with religion - the ''you''re either with us or against us '' mentality. Honestly, you may not be right for each other.

I don''t think I ever said that I don''t understand why he doesn''t want to go. Logically, I completely understand it. I''ve never believed that religion should be forced upon anyone and I am completely against proselytizing. I really don''t mind if he believes something different than I do. I certainly don''t believe that ''you''re either with us or against us''. The problem I''ve run up against is that I don''t like being a part of a community without him, if that makes sense. As I said to BIH, if he had different beliefs that could be quantified, I''d be happy to go with him half the time and have him come with me half the time, but in this case there isn''t really a way to do that.


ETA: I have to say that jumping to the conclusion that we are not right for each other because we are having difficulties reconciling one area of our lives is extraordinarily judgmental. I don''t know why you''d say such a hurtful thing.

LP
I am sorry you felt I was being hurtful. I was not trying to do that at all. I wasn''t trying to be as dismissive as I sounded. Sorry. What I was trying to convey, and didn''t do very well, was that if this is a REALLY big issue for you, and not for him, you may always be fighting over this. I completely understand that you wouldn''t want to be part of a community without him. I guess what I was saying is that he may really not want to be part of that community, and you may need to be ok with that. Often religion can really be a deal breaker, but at the same time people seem to "do their own thing" too, and do just fine.

 

[BlueSki231]

This is tough, and religion can be such a controversial topic. I''m lucky in that me and by BF both share the same spiritual beliefs. (I guess we can both be considered spiritual but not religious "New-Agers") Well, maybe not so much LUCKY because I intentionally chose to be with someone who shared my beliefs because it''s something that is SO important to me. I could absolutely not relate at an intimate level to someone who was extremely "god-fearing" and religious (I learned this from experience).

I know one of his best friends is having serious issues with religion in his marriage. They just got married this Jan. and are VERY near divorce over it. She''s EXTREMELY religious - he''s not. She''s trying to convert him, desperately trying to get him to go to church and he''s not having it. She musta thought she could change him?? Who knows.. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with BEFORE marriage and if there can''t be any compromise then it''s probably best to just end it.

Out of respect for children, I think it''s best not to cram religion down their throats cause it leads to resentment towards the parents AND towards the church and religion. (Speaking from experience - I''m still trying to recover

) If they show interest then fine. If you have to drag them to church kicking and screaming then you are wasting everyone''s time and should probably reconsider. I think kids need to be old enough to actually actually comprehend the message and think for themselves.

Teach them to be good people.. you don''t need religion to be a good person. Let them find their spirituality on their own - when they are ready.

Just my opinion...

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think interfaith relationships can work as long as BOTH people (not just one of the partners, but both!)

A) do not have contradictory belief systems

OR

B)do not place faith or the practice of faith at the top of a priority list.



1. It is your right to place a high importance on your faith and how you practice it.

2. It is your fiance''s right to do the same.

3. It is your right to place a high importance on sharing your faith with your future husband. That does not make you selfish or bigoted to desire a family life that incorporates or even centers around your faith AND the practice of that faith.

4. Believing something is true means that you believe the opposite is false. If I believe my shirt is purple, then I cannot also believe that my shirt could be blue or red or green. Another person might believe it is green, and another person may say that it is multi-colored. As long as I am respectful of another person''s right to believe that he is right, I am perfectly entitled to believe that he is wrong. Religion is the same way except we can''t prove which religion is right the way we can prove the color of a shirt. If part of my belief system is that my faith is the only way to heaven, then I can''t also believe that other faiths could also be the way to heaven. Those two beliefs contradict one another. Some people believe that there is more than one way to heaven, so the multiple faith household can work for them because there is no contradiction of beliefs. However, if you believe in one way to salvation, it is a lot harder for you to be okay with raising your children in a multi-faith household.

5. You cannot make your fiance believe anything, as you have already stated. So my advice to you is to decide... what is more important to you? Marrying this man in particular or going to church and sharing your faith as a family? It is a tough decision and will take a lot of soul searching, but this is not a time when you can "have your cake and eat it too."


For me, this is a non-negotiable. If my FFI did not share my beliefs... well we wouldn''t even get engaged in the first place. The denomination of church and weekly attendance vs. "most of the time" attendance are negotiable for me because that''s not a part of my core belief. Everyone has their personal level of compromise that doesn''t contradict their belief system, so other people might think I''m too strict or not strict enough in terms of what I''ll compromise on! That''s what makes it a personal belief.

 

[TravelingGal]

Interestingly, the one who said it best about religion is our resident atheist (Pandora).

It really depends on how passionate you are about it and how deeply you believe. Like Pandora said, her lack of faith/religion is of paramount importance to her...it''s not a ho-hum, haven''t thought about religion kind of thing.

Likewise, if you''re ho hum about religion and don''t believe in one religion, but more like spirituality, then you do your thing and let your husband do his. Expose your kids to religion and let them make their own choices (which all kids should have the right to do anyway, because you simply cannot force beliefs on anyone).

Now, I''ll speak frankly as a Christian who married a Catholic school boy who is pretty well agnostic and very anti established religion.

Without going into the nitty gritty, if you DO believe in one true religion, and only one way to be saved, then I will tell you this will be your cross to bear.

Why? Well, ever heard of that movie "left behind?" That''s why. Because if you believe in it, no matter how much you love him, if he doesn''t believe, he''s not going with you.

And your child, whom you will love more than life itself? You will want to give him/her a fair shot at faith.

TGuy and I have long agreed since faith is not important to him, and it is to me, then I can take the lead in raising our daughter. He is not opposed to her going to church. And as much as I would like him to go, I won''t force him. I may ask from time to time, but no is no.

And because I believe that you can''t "force" someone to believe in what you want, there is no peace for me knowing if something happened to him now - well, you know. Whatever faith you are, be warned...as you go to church and learn, it tends to GROW. And you might find yourself caring about it tomorrow more than you did yesterday.

Just my honest (perhaps the most honest I''ve been on PS about religion, since you say the mods OK''d this topic) two cents.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I just wanted to add that in my experience, as long is there is respect and no beliefs in one true path, then it really can work and be happy.
My father is agnostic former Catholic and my mom is a true athiest
I am a Dianist my FI is a secular humanist
Strong baptist and agnostic for my second cousin
one of my good friend's mothers is Buddhist an her father is Jewish, etc
All of these are happy, respectful relationships, excluding me the others have been married for decades.

And he can still be part of the community without being part of the religion. I went to prom with a guy from my friend's church, I made lots of friends through bar mitzahs (sp), gone to many family events at the Catholic church, etc. You can both go to picnics for the church, hang out together with people from the church,etc so he is part of the community, just not the belief system.

 

[ladypirate]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for sharing your viewpoints--SO and I have read through all of them together and we really appreciate it. Luckily, this is not going to be a deal breaker for either of us. Neither of us believe that there is only one path to heaven/enlightenment (so to speak), so in that respect it isn''t an issue. Faith is important to me and is something I want in my life and in my future children''s lives, but I am trying my best to adjust to the idea that it will never be an important part of SO''s life. As I said above, our beliefs aren''t truly incompatible; I just like the structure of organized religion whereas he has had negative experiences with it and turned away from it.

I will come back in the morning and respond to everyone--for now, I have to go explain to Kris that "no, honey, we''re not telling our kids that there is no Santa Claus when they''re 5"

 

[Pandora II]

LOL on the Santa Claus - someone told me that I was quite a bad atheist if I tell my kids about Father Christmas (as we call him in the UK) as it''s encouraging them to believe in things that don''t exist...

(I pointed out that it was a valuable lesson in not believing everything your parents tell you

)!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think it''s great you are both thinking this through and it sounds like you are likely to resolve things in a happy way!

As TGal said it really comes down to the relative importance of belief to each of you.

I wish you luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

My mom and dad were raised in different faiths, my mom quit attending church as soon as she left my grandparents'' home, they forced her to go (I say forced because they didn''t attend church, they only made their daughters go), and my dad has remained faithful to his. As a couple they agreed to raise my sister and I in my dad''s faith, we attended church as a family every Sunday and both my sister and I went to private, religious-based schools, but we were also allowed to explore other religions.

Neither my sister nor I resent my parents for the choice they made in this regard. We knew my mom didn''t believe in some of the basic tenants of the religion we were raised in and we had the freedom to question, ponder, and discover our own faith, or lack thereof, while attending my dad''s church and learning much about his religion. I believe my parents served us well in this regard.

I don''t know if this helps you at all, LP, just wanted to share that being in an interfaith relationship can be difficult, but it''s certainly not impossible as long as the two people involved talk openly and honestly about their feelings and come to compromise on how to handle their family in this regard.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Pandora, you can also tell those people that playing make believe as a child helps people develop the skill of self regulation since it is practicing the creation of personal rules and boundaries. It also encourages creativity which is very useful in the ever-changing, problem-solving world that we live in. I can''t think of many things that are more boring than a childhood without pretending... but maybe that''s because my parents never bought me a nintendo

PS - I''m not endorsing the info above as scientific fact. I just read it in an article and found the link between make-believe as a child and the ability to self-regulate (sit still, listen in class, develop an intrinsic work ethic, etc) very interesting!

 

[Sha]

My story is somewhat similar - I am religious, DH believes in God but is cynical about mainstream religion, and thinks church is boring. I grew up in a home with our whole family going to church most Sundays, and when DH and I got together I kind of expected the same, even though I knew he didn''t really go regularly. It was pretty disappointing when I realized how reluctant he was to go after we got married. It felt weird to go by myself, because I saw it as something couples and families do together. Sometimes when I would go myself, people would ask for him, and I wouldn''t be quite sure what to say. At times I would see other couples and families in church and I would also feel resentful at his reluctance to go with me. So I can totally relate to your disappointment.

I still expect him to go with me on major Sundays (Easter, Christmas) etc, and I try to tell him at least a week before so that he knows. The other Sundays, I''ve just gotten used to going by myself, and not griping with him about it. When we have children I expect that I will be going with them and he will come along on major Sundays, at least. It seems like a lot of women at our church do that - since husbands go less regularly. It''s not ideally what I would have wanted, but I don''t really want to force him into it, although I do expect him to stick to our compromise.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 9/18/2008 11:23:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Interestingly, the one who said it best about religion is our resident atheist (Pandora).

It really depends on how passionate you are about it and how deeply you believe. Like Pandora said, her lack of faith/religion is of paramount importance to her...it''s not a ho-hum, haven''t thought about religion kind of thing.

Likewise, if you''re ho hum about religion and don''t believe in one religion, but more like spirituality, then you do your thing and let your husband do his. Expose your kids to religion and let them make their own choices (which all kids should have the right to do anyway, because you simply cannot force beliefs on anyone).

Now, I''ll speak frankly as a Christian who married a Catholic school boy who is pretty well agnostic and very anti established religion.

Without going into the nitty gritty, if you DO believe in one true religion, and only one way to be saved, then I will tell you this will be your cross to bear.

Why? Well, ever heard of that movie ''left behind?'' That''s why. Because if you believe in it, no matter how much you love him, if he doesn''t believe, he''s not going with you.

And your child, whom you will love more than life itself? You will want to give him/her a fair shot at faith.

TGuy and I have long agreed since faith is not important to him, and it is to me, then I can take the lead in raising our daughter. He is not opposed to her going to church. And as much as I would like him to go, I won''t force him. I may ask from time to time, but no is no.

And because I believe that you can''t ''force'' someone to believe in what you want, there is no peace for me knowing if something happened to him now - well, you know. Whatever faith you are, be warned...as you go to church and learn, it tends to GROW. And you might find yourself caring about it tomorrow more than you did yesterday.

Just my honest (perhaps the most honest I''ve been on PS about religion, since you say the mods OK''d this topic) two cents.

Great post by TGal. And I just want to add - that if you are dedicated and allow your faith become a shining light (however cliche it may sound) in your life, and your guy is a witness to that example - who knows, he may just want some of that.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 9/19/2008 6:48:22 PM
Author: Sha
My story is somewhat similar - I am religious, DH believes in God but is cynical about mainstream religion, and thinks church is boring. I grew up in a home with our whole family going to church most Sundays, and when DH and I got together I kind of expected the same, even though I knew he didn't really go regularly. It was pretty disappointing when I realized how reluctant he was to go after we got married. It felt weird to go by myself, because I saw it as something couples and families do together. Sometimes when I would go myself, people would ask for him, and I wouldn't be quite sure what to say. At times I would see other couples and families in church and I would also feel resentful at his reluctance to go with me. So I can totally relate to your disappointment.


I still expect him to go with me on major Sundays (Easter, Christmas) etc, and I try to tell him at least a week before so that he knows. The other Sundays, I've just gotten used to going by myself, and not griping with him about it. When we have children I expect that I will be going with them and he will come along on major Sundays, at least. It seems like a lot of women at our church do that - since husbands go less regularly. It's not ideally what I would have wanted, but I don't really want to force him into it, although I do expect him to stick to our compromise.

Sha, I really appreciate you posting because this sounds like almost exactly what I'm dealing with. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there.

LAJennifer, thank you for replying.

Kimberly, the way you were raised is the way I was raised as well. We were encouraged to explore other faiths but were raised in the one that my mom practiced (my dad went to church with us and participated in the community but is not particularly religious himself, more spiritual than anything else--his parents were atheists). I think part of the issue is that that is the same grounding I would like my children to have whereas it seems like SO would prefer them to have no religious upbringing. We're communicating about it, though, which is good. I am feeling very positive about us being able to reach a conclusion that we're both happy about. I think his biggest issue is that he is afraid that they will be taught that one faith is Truth with a capital T, but since neither of us believe that, I don't think our children would either. Thank you for your reply.

Pandora, I like your take on Santa Claus. Hee! I think I've convinced him using the "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" explanation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply, as well. SO doesn't have an issue with me baptizing the kids, actually, since he really doesn't have a problem with the church I attend, more organized religion in general. I think we would have a far bigger problem if I belonged to a less inclusive faith that was more at odds with his world view.

BIH, after talking more about it I think he is willing to participate in the community aspect of it at least on a trial basis. And what I've been working to realize is that even if he doesn't, it's ok.

TGal, thanks for your reply. I appreciate your honesty.

Guilty Pleasure, thank you for the input. I suppose that we are very lucky in the sense that both of us feel that there is more than one way into heaven, so our beliefs aren't contradictory. And for me, as much as faith is a large part of my life and I wouldn't give it up, I would marry SO even if he never attended a single church event with me. I suppose I just with I could have my cake and eat it too.

Namaste, thank you for sharing your experience. Just to be clear, I don't want to cram religion down my kids throats. One compromise I suggested on that front to SO is to say that they can either come to church with me or else stay home and do something else spiritual with him. I suppose I want spirituality to be a part of their lives in some form, even if they don't subscribe to the same belief system I do.

ILuvCarats, thanks for clarifying--I appreciate the apology. I think at this point I'm just at the stage where I'm getting used to being ok with that.

IloveAsschers, I completely agree that religion does not define a person. SO is one of the kindest people I know and goes out of his way to help other people. I suppose it's more that I've always found my faith to be a great support system, if that makes sense, and I would want my future children to have the same system to rely on.

Princess, thank you for your reply. At this point, we've come to the agreement that he will come as often as he feels comfortable (whether that is twice a month or twice a year), and I will accept that and appreciate that he is willing to come as often as he is. We're still working on a compromise on the kid situation, but I'm confident we'll come to one eventually. Thank you for sharing yours.

MissCuppyCake, thank you for sharing your experience.

MoonWater, thanks for replying. The issue isn't belonging to ANY community outside of him (we're both pretty independent people, actually, and do stuff on our own. For example, I do volunteer work with one of the local Foundations that he doesn't). It's more that it's kind of disappointing to me to be involved in this particular community on my own. As I said above, I don't have a problem with kids being allowed to choose their own spiritual path. I would just like them to have a solid grounding in the one I practice, if that makes sense.

Princess_Natalie, I'm sorry that you have been going through these issues. Thank you for sharing your experience. We are lucky in that our families are not playing a part in it--they are not ones to insist on a certain type of faith for anyone.

Freke, I agree that you shouldn't try to force religion on children. I think Kris' experience was similar to yours and that's why he's afraid to raise our potential kids in a church. I mentioned above that one idea I had was to give them a choice between coming to church with me or staying home and learning about a different religion or philosophical moral system. I'm sure they'll get a thorough grounding in at least Buddhism, since Kris' dad is Buddhist. I'm all for teaching them about all the different religions, though. I always loved learning about different belief systems.

AllyCat, thanks for your input. I think you're right in the sense that our faiths are actually not what are at odds. Hopefully keeping that in mind is going to be helpful in resolving this.

FieryRed, I agree on the kid thing. Thank you for replying.

Rob, thanks for your reply. I think that we will try to work out the kid thing before we get married, but for now we at least both know that we think they should make their own decision with regards to religion. I think it just makes me sad that he doesn't want them to go because I want them to have the same positive experience with it that I did. I think part of the issue is that he and his friends spent so much time knocking organized religion that he's almost embarrassed to actually give it a try. He's coming with me tomorrow, though, with an open mind, which I really appreciate. If he doesn't want to go anymore from there, that's ok.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 9/20/2008 11:54:58 AM
Author: ladypirate


MoonWater, thanks for replying. The issue isn''t belonging to ANY community outside of him (we''re both pretty independent people, actually, and do stuff on our own. For example, I do volunteer work with one of the local Foundations that he doesn''t). It''s more that it''s kind of disappointing to me to be involved in this particular community on my own. As I said above, I don''t have a problem with kids being allowed to choose their own spiritual path. I would just like them to have a solid grounding in the one I practice, if that makes sense.

That''s understandable and reasonable I think. Is he okay with this?