Big Wedding is not my style ... how can I compromise?

[bichon]

I got engaged in July 2004 and although a wedding has not been set yet, this whole wedding this is stressing me out. Perhaps someone can knock some sense into me to find a middle ground.

Here’s a little preamble: I am Korean and my fiancé is Chinese. By nature, I am a quiet and reserved person. Speak to any of my childhood friends and they will confirm that I was an extremely shy person. Although I am now older and not as shy as I once was, “showiness” is still NOT my style in clothes, personality, or anything I do. (I’ll make an exception for diamonds … give me a spectacular and monstrous asscher, and I won’t say no!)

Now here’s the problem: I do not want a big wedding. I have attended other people’s big & spectacular weddings and TRULY did enjoy every moment of it because I was not the centre of attention. But greeting 300 people, smooching every time the utensils hit the plates, visiting 30 tables and performing 30 toasts (apparently, this is a Chinese thing), playing wedding games, listening to long-winded speeches about myself/fiancé/family, dining at the head table where everyone will be watching me all evening, performing a first dance as everyone watches, changing dresses 2-3 times (again, a Chinese “tradition”), dancing the night away in my wedding dress … well, all this is extremely overwhelming for me.

To put it simply, I am going to be MISERABLE on my wedding day. Please don’t think I am being a “bad sport” or anything like that. I am one of those people who prefer a quiet evening at home on a Friday night instead of wild night out on the town – so you can imagine that all this is not my style. Not to mention, the Church ceremony, running off to take pictures, doing the Chinese tea ceremony … oh my God, I think I am going to pass out right now.

To be honest, my parents do not mind a small wedding because their finances are limited. However, it’s a different side on my fiance’s side as they see it a necessity to have a big show. His sister had a big wedding and ditto to his brother’s upcoming wedding. Since it appears that I will not have my quiet little wedding, I am trying to find a middle-ground. Do you think the following is an unreasonable expectation? I don’t want to insult anyone’s expectation but truly, I don’t see why EVERYTHING has to be done THEIR way because “that’s just the way it is”:

- No dress change. I will only wear the white dress all evening.
- Wedding will be done on location. I am hoping to rent a hall that can also accommodate on-site ceremonies. This will make it easier for all guests since they don’t have to shuttle from Church to reception. Although I have a reputation for being punctual, Asians in general are notorious for being late for wedding receptions (this is not meant as a rude comment … just a general observation … of course there are many exceptions).
- Hold my reception at a hall instead of a Chinese restaurant. Okay, this is causing some problems because where I’m from, there are only 1 or 2 Chinese restaurants that can accommodate large weddings. Although I am not expecting to hold the wedding reception at a 5-star hotel, I really do not want to hold it at a Chinese restaurant. Please do not think I am shallow but I have issues walking to my wedding (!!!) dinner by passing by stores that sell cell phones, cheap trinkets, and an equipment store that sells apparatus that “massage” the fat away. My fiancé has expressed concerns about guests who will not know how to get to a non-Chinatown location reception … ummm, please! ... it’s OUR wedding and we should not have to limit ourselves to a specific venue to accommodate 5% of guests who have never attended a wedding outside of Chinatown.
- No wedding games.
- I’d like to skip the 30 toasts and simply visit each table without the entire entourage of the wedding party & immediate family. Is this unreasonable?
- Instead of a rectangular head table where you’re laid out like mannequins to be watched, I’d like to have round table for the bridal party

Do you girls think these little “changes” to “tradition” are reasonable?

My other concern is that I found the guests extremely RUDE at his sister’s wedding because they were talking LOUDLY during the speeches. Many of the guests will be attending our wedding. Even though it was not my wedding, I was really infuriated with the lack of respect shown. It wasn’t like a few guests were talking; many guests simply kept the table conversation going despite the fact that a speech was being given over the loudspeakers. How would I handle this?

Oh dear, this whole wedding affair is really bothering me … and I have not even started to plan it yet.

 

[larussel03]

I think it should completely be about what you and your fiance want, not about what tradition says. I mean, yes, there is someting to respecting tradition, but if a small intimate wedding is what would make you happy, you can still have the game, speeches, etc but on a smaller scale. Your fiance''s parents have had 2 weddings for their children be huge, maybe they wont mind it at all. You should def talk to your fiance.

 

[abradabra]

I agree with Sweetpea--Talk to your fiance!!!! If you are correct in assuming that your future in-laws will be wanting something drastically different from your vision of an ideal wedding, you will need to present a united front with your fiance. He will need to stand up to his parents and tell them to back off--that shouldn''t be something that you are responsible for doing. Parents tend to take "bad news" (I use that term loosely, obviously) from their own children.

The point is, after you sit down with your fiance and decide what the two of you want, you should also sit down with the other parties involved. Certainly your opinions/desires should be the most important factors in wedding planning, but trying to accomodate your families'' wishes is important as well. After all, when the wedding is over--all you have is your family to deal with!

I think that you are on the right track, trying to figure out a compromise. If you find out what is most important to your in-laws, you might find that they are willing to have a wedding closer to your desires!

 

[Layne]

I have a different perspective, I don''t think I''m "right" but I choose to have my big wedding for my family and DH. The wedding wasn''t about me- yes I chose most of the major aspects of the wedding- church, reception, colors, flowers, etc. I didn''t need or want the show but my family and society, if you will, wanted it. I did it for them. There was alot of it I would not have done but it "had" to be done according to Emily Post. We were married and had the ceremony that I wanted and that was the most important part to me.
I don''t think any of your wishes are unreasonable although your FILs may think they are. Why not have a Chinese resturant cater at your location?

 

[SoonIHope]

Hi Bichon! I''m so sorry to hear that this is stressing you out!! I am in a sort of similar situation...my soon-to-be-fiancee is also Chinese and I''m shy so I don''t want the whole traditional banquet, at least not in the completely traditional a way. What we are thinking of doing is having a small "western" style ceremony and reception at my family''s summer house for the actual wedding, and then the following week (or maybe previous?) having a separate Chinese banquet, since the actual ceremony would be far away for all of the guests anyway, so a lot of his family probably won''t come. That way the wedding itself will still be exactly the way I want it (very low key, small, etc) but we can still have a wedding banquet for his side of the family. I am also hoping to not do dress changes or wedding games and a few other things like that to try to minimize the event, and hoping to have it in a not-Chinese-restaurant space, just have it catered by a Chinese restaurant. Since we''re not actually engaged yet, we haven''t discussed this with my boyfriend''s family yet, though, so we''ll see what they think.... My boyfriend''s guess is that they would be upset if we don''t have ANY banquet at all, but as long as we have one and I wear a cheongsam and a few of the key elements are there, he doubts they''ll mind if we tweak some of the details. Good luck though!!!! And keep us updated on what you decide!

 

[AndyRosse]

I agree with what others have said. Talk to your fiance about your concerns and uneasiness.

And I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I''m quite shy, and while I''m excited about my wedding, I really am trying to make this a small, intimate affair. Unfortunately, each time we look at the guest list, it seems more and more people are being added from my fiance''s side. And I''m left wondering, "what happened to my small wedding???" If it were up to me, there would be a small ceremony at the church. That''s all. No reception, no out of town guests. Just our immediate families and very, very close local friends. Then I would take the rest of the money we saved and put it towards stabling a horse

. Seriously.

And I understand and respect tradition, but you guys have to make this YOUR wedding. You can''t be angry and upset on your big day. So I like how you are willing to compromise on traditions. Hopefully your fiance''s family will understand.

 

[bichon]

Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions. Everyone has made a good point including Layne, who said she did the "big wedding" thing for her family. In my case, the show is for my future MIL only. Even though we will be the 3rd one in their family to get married, finances will not be an issue since the BIL is paying for his own wedding (he can certainly afford it given his profession and the monstrous Tiffany D,VVS given to his fiancee ... I could have bought a snazzy little Mercedes for what he paid for that ring!).

My fiance is not being very co-operative with me. Every time I bring up some specific issues, he brushes it away. Don''t get me wrong; he''s not a mama''s boy who doesn''t want to confront his mother. I think that he figures that since we won''t be getting married until at least 2007, he doesn''t want to deal with my wishes to deviate from "tradition". I can''t even get him to agree on the approximate number of wedding guests so this is making it hard for me to even budget or look at wedding venues.

In the mean time, I am working on convincing him to do a destination wedding including immediate family members. Then we can do the Chinese banquet thing afterwards and it would be a more relaxed affair. It certainly would save me the trouble of looking for a hall, caterer, floral arrangements, etc. Wish me luck! I have about a year to convince him (and his mother) about it!

 

[Faerievert]

The destination wedding sounds like a really good compromise to me. You''d have your small wedding on your ''big day'', and be able to go into the more intimidating reception with the ceremony part of the stress behind you. Good luck!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Bichon, your story hits very close to home.....except I''m chinese and my husband is Korean!

We were both very young when we came here, so we used the excuse that we don''t want to go through all the traditional cultural stuff because it wasn''t "us". Nor was it fair to either of our families if we chose one tradition over another, so we told everyone we were doing a strictly western-style wedding. Everyone was okay with it because we did not accept any money from either sets of parents. We paid for everything ourselves. So here is how our wedding went:

-We had it in a small chapel in Orange, CA, with 150 people.
-We had a small wedding party, only 2 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen.
-We had a lunch reception....very nice sit-down affair at a beautiful 4-star restaurant with a scenic view, and very quaint (not condusive to loud toasts and games)
-I only wore my white gown throughout the duration of the entire wedding and reception.
-Because it was a day-time wedding, people did not drink too much, nor did they party "into the night" and dancing was kept to a minimum. Our wedding ceremony started at 11AM, and by 3PM we were done with everything.

I think you should just sit both sides of the family down and tell themthat in order to be fair to both cultures, you''re going to have a simple AMERICAN wedding.

 

[Caribou]

I think you should do what you and your DF want to do...compromise between the two of you, not your family or in laws. That day, regardless of enthic (IMO) is about the two of you. I guess it''s easy for me to say because my wedding won''t be steep in ''tradition'' but even if it was, if I didn''t want it that way than I wouldn''t have it that way.

My best friend is a guy and he''s gay. I''m considering having him be my ''MOH'' if you will...my boyfriend said ''oh my family will love that

'' My BF doesn''t care if I do it....but it would be odd for his family to see it. Not traditional to have a guy stand up. We both decided that we didn''t care, if they had a problem with it they didn''t need to show up.

This is obviously not as serious as a traditional enthic wedding and I''m not suggesting you tell you family ''if you don''t like it than don''t come'' but it really isn''t about them. And if you really think you''ll have a miserable time at your wedding than you should have the wedding you want, not the wedding everyone else wants. His family had their traditional Chinese wedding through his siblings.

Good luck.