Blargh

[bobbin]

Well, up until about Thursday last week I had been feeling really down and blargh for a few weeks. Eventually I figured out that it had a lot to do with thinking about being engaged (as well as some other things but I won''t go into that). Basically, because I was completely in limbo about when we were going to get engaged (and for us getting married is something we want to do before we plan to have kids- not the end of the world if something happens and kids come first though), I was starting to wonder whether I would be happy in the relationship if we didn''t get engaged and how long I would be able to wait for etc. I was starting to think about other possibilities. Anyway, Wed night my BF came home and had been noticing how down I was so suggested that we go out to dinner, which we did although I was a little scared it would turn out the way it did.

We started talking towards the end of the meal and eventually I brought up the fact that the way I had been feeling was partly because he would never give me any clue about when we would get engaged. He always said "I am absolutely certain that you are the one I will marry, you will be the mother of my children and I will ask you to marry me I''m just not ready yet" and "I don''t really think about that stuff too much" and "I just think that I will get this feeling when I want to get engaged".

I told him that I didn''t feel the need to get engaged right away although I was ready for it as I am 100% sure that I want to and can spend the rest of my life with him, but that I kept thinking about it and it was making me unhappy because I needed to have some idea about when. THen it got into a huge argument, with him saying that he wanted it to be a surprise and how could it be a surprise if I knew when it was going to happen- I said that I wanted a timeline in years, not exact dates- and then he said but then you would be counting down and constantly expecting it etc. I told him that it would never completely take me by surprise because I know he will do it one day. I also told him that the fact that he says he never thinks about it upsets me because it makes it seem like it isn''t that important to him and that it is a bit unrealistic if he never thinks about it that he expects to ''just know''-like he will get hit with a bolt of lightning or something. Anyway, we argued about this until we got home and then sat in the car for awhile. Eventually he told me that he does think about it and that he does have an idea of when he wants to propose he just hadn''t told me that before because he didn''t want me constantly asking him when.

Aaargh!!! Didn''t he realise all the times that I had said that I would like to have some idea of when it would be that I just needed reassurance that it would happen and that I wouyldn''t be waiting forever!!!

Now I feel bad that ''getting engaged'' has become an ''issue'' and I feel like I can''t talk about it anymore because I feel like it will drive him away. Why oh why couldn''t he have just revealed to me that he does think about it etc a few weeks ago and saved me all the obsessing and us this fight!!

 

[claireabelle]

All you need to do is say what you''ve just spilled out here...

Tell him that you''re not putting on the pressure - that you just wanted peace of mind that he is on the same page as you.

Communication is the key. Don''t be scared to talk to him - be patient, reasonable and realistic.

 

[bobbin]

Yeah- I told him everything that I have said here, and that I am not pressuring him just letting him know how I feel.

Unfortunately, one of his close friends has been pressuring him a bit and he has been getting remarks from other people we know. for some reason people seem to think we are the perfect couple. Not sure why, apart from that we are affectionate in public.

Or maybe they just want to be able to go to a wedding...

So he has been feeling pressured.

 

[Lauren8211]

Anytime you''re in a serious relationship as an adult, you''re going to get outside pressure from people. People love to see people in love. They want to see people getting engaged and married. That shouldnt really be considered pressure- just people being people.

You shouldnt feel afraid to ask for what you want. Pressure is not cool, but if you have needs, then you should express them. Obviously no whining or temper tantrums, but an adult talk about your future after you''ve been together a while is extremely fair. You have a right to know where you stand!

Good Luck!

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 5/28/2008 4:14:50 AM
Author:bobbin
I also told him that the fact that he says he never thinks about it upsets me because it makes it seem like it isn''t that important to him and that it is a bit unrealistic if he never thinks about it that he expects to ''just know''-like he will get hit with a bolt of lightning or something.

Now I feel bad that ''getting engaged'' has become an ''issue'' and I feel like I can''t talk about it anymore because I feel like it will drive him away. Why oh why couldn''t he have just revealed to me that he does think about it etc a few weeks ago and saved me all the obsessing and us this fight!!

Wow I think our SOs must be twins separated at birth or something! My SO and I had the same discussion Monday and he said the same thing "He just doesn''t think about it that much." Of course when he does he knows I''m the one and he wants to marry me and grow old with me, but it''s just not something he thinks about all the time....like I do (he didn''t say that but come on I know he thinks it). E is just not a planner so I''m picturing him just one day getting this itch that he wants to get married and going to mall to pick up a ring and proposing that night...I know scary huh?

I had to tell him that I just felt like I had no control and that when he brings engagement or wedding stuff up it just makes me more anxious, but I want to know what he thinking so it''s this terrible catch 22. I love him and I don''t think for a moment that he''s stringing me along but what is this..."someday I''ll just get a feeling" mentality. I''m thinking if you know you want to marry me and spend your life with me what "feeling" are you waiting for exactly?

Any of the guys who read these threads wanna shed some light on that for us?

 

[absolut_blonde]

Although my SO says he does think about it and he brings it up a lot, he DID pull the same 'I don't want to tell you because then you'll be expecting it' thing. It was a point of friction for us for some time.

Finally, I brought it up again and basically poured my heart out to him. I think it did help because he didn't know how strongly I felt prior to that. Also, I got him to see my perspective a bit more. I told him that I understood that he wanted it to be a surprise and wanted to make it special, but that I needed at least a vague timeline for the sake of my sanity. We were also planning some bigger steps in our relationship and I told him that I wasn't comfortable not having an idea of when things would progress. Plus, I said that I didn't want to grow to resent him with time if we weren't in fact on the same page.

I also reminded him that although the actual proposal is in his hands, this is a relationship involving two people -- therefore, we need to mutually decide how/when to proceed and he needs to keep me in the loop to some extent.

We also discussed more of the WHY he wasn't quite ready yet and that helped enormously because I understood where he was coming from as well. Initially I was taking the whole issue quite personally but hearing his point of view lessened that a LOT.


What some guys don't seem to get is that giving a timeline often helps us think/obsess about the engagement LESS. SO was afraid a timeline would make me 'expect' it on every special occasion (what LIW doesn't, really?). But for me, a timeline gave me the peace of mind that I could STOP worrying about it so much. Obviously, if the timeline comes to pass with no action then that will have to be dealt with. But for now, I'm able to take him at his word and have faith that things will work out like we've planned.

 

[Independent Gal]

OK, I totally don''t get this surprise nonsense.

He thinks that it being a surprise is worth YOU feeling MISERABLE for YEARS?!?

What the heck?

But I''m biased since I have no use for surprises in general. But even if I did, I don''t think it would be worth me feeling depressed for years.

Maybe it''s just me, but.

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 5/28/2008 2:50:34 PM
Author: Independent Gal
OK, I totally don''t get this surprise nonsense.


He thinks that it being a surprise is worth YOU feeling MISERABLE for YEARS?!?


What the heck?


But I''m biased since I have no use for surprises in general. But even if I did, I don''t think it would be worth me feeling depressed for years.


Maybe it''s just me, but.

No, I totally agree. I''m always just afraid to say that on here because I genuinely hate surprises, so I feel like my opinion doesn''t count. Since when is the surprise aspect more important than respecting the wishes of the partner that you love? I don''t get it.

 

[wishful]

style="WIDTH: 100.51%; HEIGHT: 94px">Date: 5/28/2008 2:50:34 PM
Author: Independent Gal
OK, I totally don''t get this surprise nonsense.

He thinks that it being a surprise is worth YOU feeling MISERABLE for YEARS?!?

I totally agree here. I think in general it is so important to a woman to know that she and her SO are on the same path. When the relationship reaches the level of engagment being the next logical step forward then it would be smart of most men to at least step up and communiate with his GF that yes in fact he is thinking along those lines and here''s a rough idea of when things might go down that road. If men would only realize how important that was then it would save a lot of heartache and arguments.

 

[kittybean]

It''s my belief that surprises are pretty overrated, but I don''t hate them. I am letting my boyfriend surprise me (eventually) with a proposal, but I definitely asked for a timeline a while ago. What we ultimately decided is that we would make a decision together on approximately when we want to get married, then I would let him select a ring and propose with that timeframe in mind. Both parties seemed to be happy with this approach.

I think that many men feel strongly that the perfect proposal needs to be a complete surprise, and they become upset when anything threatens that ideal. What they don''t realize is that the relationship is a partnership where the people involved need to make important decisions together in order for both to be happy. Also, many men don''t realize that their SO has already been waiting for a while, hoping for a "surprise" at every special occasion, and has been disappointed thus far. In any serious adult relationship, the parties should be thinking about potential for marriage early on, and an engagement is something that should be discussed. I think mentioning all of that to your SO (calmly and rationally) would give him some perspective on the situation and maybe make him see that the proposal will be perfect regardless of whether you are expecting it or not.

Good luck, and don''t be afraid to let him know you are unhappy with the way things are going and that this is very important to you.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/28/2008 10:33:15 AM
Author: KCCutie
Wow I think our SOs must be twins separated at birth or something! My SO and I had the same discussion Monday and he said the same thing ''He just doesn''t think about it that much.'' Of course when he does he knows I''m the one and he wants to marry me and grow old with me, but it''s just not something he thinks about all the time....like I do (he didn''t say that but come on I know he thinks it). E is just not a planner so I''m picturing him just one day getting this itch that he wants to get married and going to mall to pick up a ring and proposing that night...I know scary huh?


I had to tell him that I just felt like I had no control and that when he brings engagement or wedding stuff up it just makes me more anxious, but I want to know what he thinking so it''s this terrible catch 22. I love him and I don''t think for a moment that he''s stringing me along but what is this...''someday I''ll just get a feeling'' mentality. I''m thinking if you know you want to marry me and spend your life with me what ''feeling'' are you waiting for exactly?


Any of the guys who read these threads wanna shed some light on that for us?

Sorry, not a guy

but I just wanted to comment. Getting engaged isn''t about some fancy proposal or a pretty ring or a dozen roses or a bent knee--I mean, it CAN be those things too, but first and foremost, it''s an agreement between two people to share a life. SHARE. All this surprise crap seems completely against what a proposal is REALLY about. If you''re planning a life TOGETHER, shouldn''t you BOTH get to talk about when that life will start, instead of you waiting in the wings with literally no say in the matter?

That would not work for me at all. Marriage is about becoming a team. I am not a part of a team if I have zero idea what''s going on and am not happy about it.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/28/2008 6:15:08 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/28/2008 10:33:15 AM
Author: KCCutie
Wow I think our SOs must be twins separated at birth or something! My SO and I had the same discussion Monday and he said the same thing 'He just doesn't think about it that much.' Of course when he does he knows I'm the one and he wants to marry me and grow old with me, but it's just not something he thinks about all the time....like I do (he didn't say that but come on I know he thinks it). E is just not a planner so I'm picturing him just one day getting this itch that he wants to get married and going to mall to pick up a ring and proposing that night...I know scary huh?


I had to tell him that I just felt like I had no control and that when he brings engagement or wedding stuff up it just makes me more anxious, but I want to know what he thinking so it's this terrible catch 22. I love him and I don't think for a moment that he's stringing me along but what is this...'someday I'll just get a feeling' mentality. I'm thinking if you know you want to marry me and spend your life with me what 'feeling' are you waiting for exactly?


Any of the guys who read these threads wanna shed some light on that for us?

Sorry, not a guy

but I just wanted to comment. Getting engaged isn't about some fancy proposal or a pretty ring or a dozen roses or a bent knee--I mean, it CAN be those things too, but first and foremost, it's an agreement between two people to share a life. SHARE. All this surprise crap seems completely against what a proposal is REALLY about. If you're planning a life TOGETHER, shouldn't you BOTH get to talk about when that life will start, instead of you waiting in the wings with literally no say in the matter?

That would not work for me at all. Marriage is about becoming a team. I am not a part of a team if I have zero idea what's going on and am not happy about it.

DIT.TO. Amen sister! A proposal can be a surprise, an engagement better not be! And I'd like to have a say in the matter, thanks.