BM dress dilemma-please help!

[jcrow]

ah! everything was going so well! until today. i''ve posted this thread about finding the perfect BM dress. All of the BMs were on the same page and loving the dress. Well today I got an email from a BM whom I''ve know for nearly 10 years. She doesn''t think she has the funds for the dress. She wants to know if it would be ok for her mom to make the dress for her.

i felt we went about finding the dress in a great way-IMO. we all took a weekend trip and the girls each tried on dresses until they all found one they really liked and looked fab. in. and i feel they really chose the gown. no one looked at prices at all until we went back to the salon a second time for them to get measured. even then no one said anything negative about the price. the two other girls said how they can''t wait to wear it to a mardi gras ball or some other formal event in the future.

already there was an issue about the fabric and the color it comes in. the company is willing to do a fabric swap in order to get a great shade of champagne. it was tafetta and now it will be satin-faced tafetta.

and yes- the girl''s mom can sew. she says she can find the fabric on-liine... but who''s to say it will be the exact color match? i don''t think it''s an easy-to-make dress. i really don''t. and i am completely worried. it would be different if all of the girls were making their dress.

argh!! what do i do? she says she wants to know honestly what i think. but, i know if i tell her anything she will be upset.

what would you do?

 

[AndyRosse]

How about offering to help her pay for the dress?

I personally would NOT be comfortable with her mother sewing the dress.

 

[teebee]

Well, my first thought is there is no way she can find the same fabric online - even the same exact dress from the same exact designer/manufacturer will show a color difference if the dresses are ordered at different times and the material for each dress are cut from different dye lots... Then you add in finding it on the internet, where there is no way to see the "true" color because of differences in computer screen displays... That... would make me REALLY nervous and I would have to go thumbs down on that request.

Is there any way for you to pay for part of her dress? The BM dresses that we ordered were WAY expensive in the bridal salons, but from netbride.com were $182. I still had one bridesmaid having trouble swinging that so I paid $82 and shipping, she paid $100.

This is one of those moments where, you don''t want to be a bridezilla bitch by saying "no way" ~ but I would think that with the liklihood of this one girls dress looking far different from the others & sticking out like a sore thumb, you might as well have them all in different dresses for goodness sake!

I would just try to be honest and express your fear that the material will be so different... and see if there is anyway to work it out so that she can get the dress you''ve all chosen - whether that''s splitting the cost or whatnot..?

 

[ivanadiamond]

I would offer to pay for it as well.

 

[DonaBella]

I agree with what has already been said here, which is to have you just outright pay the WHOLE price for the dress. It had to be awkward and humbling to admit that she cannot afford the dress outright, but it sounds like she really truly wants to be apart of your special day, nonetheless.

I also agree that it is pretty chancy that she and her mom would find the exact fabric--color and type--that would match. Why take the risk? Put yourself in her shoes...She probably is feeling SO bad to even admit her situation to you.

I say do the right thing, include her in your special day and cop the cost of the dress. In the end, you will have a happier situation all the way around...you have your friend included in the most amazing day in your life, she is wearing the dress you wanted her to wear, and no more worries about if all the BMs will match. Just do it and mark it off your list...You will come off looking pretty good in this situation as well...

Just my 2 cents...but it is echoing what everyone is basically saying...

 

[lovelylulu]

My MOH is a little money strapped, especially with the various financial responsibilities that come along with being in a wedding. So, as part of my present to her, I''m paying for her entire dress. I know it will help her a ton and for me what is another $150 bucks.

How much are your dresses costing? are they really expensive?

 

[Caribou]

I agree with either helping with half the cost, or buying it for her as her BM gift.

 

[jcrow]

I''ve thought of paying half and paying the whole thing too. But to be honest, i don''t feel that''s it''s fair to the other girls. why should one girl get a break and not the others?

hum- net bride, i''ll investigate.

 

[jcrow]

of course finding it on netbride is just too simple. they don''t seem to carry it.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 4/18/2006 4:24:10 PM
Author: jcrow
I''ve thought of paying half and paying the whole thing too. But to be honest, i don''t feel that''s it''s fair to the other girls. why should one girl get a break and not the others?

hum- net bride, i''ll investigate.

Are any of the other girls strapped for cash that you know of? If so, maybe you should look for something similar but less expensive. If not, then they don''t necessarily need to know that you helped her pay for the dress. Really, how would htey know unless you or this particular BM''s told them? Like someone said, it was probably hard for her to tell you that she couldn''t afford the dress, which was probably why she didn''t say anything right away, and I don''t necessarily think it''s giving ''one of the girls a break and not the others''.

Just a thought.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/18/2006 4:24:10 PM
Author: jcrow
I''ve thought of paying half and paying the whole thing too. But to be honest, i don''t feel that''s it''s fair to the other girls. why should one girl get a break and not the others?

Why? Well, because the other girls can afford it, and this girl cannot.....and has had to humble herself to say so.

This isn''t just ''giving a break'' to someone. This girl has said she cannot afford it, and yet clearly, she wants to partake in the wedding if she''s trying to propose alternate solutions (i.e mom making the dress).

If I were one of the "other girls", I would not feel slighted at ALL if you decided to help someone who needs help. It shouldn''t be about "oh, is she getting something I''m not?" It should be about "what will it take to make all of these girls able to participate in this wedding to make my friend, the bride, happy?! . Anything less is petty and uncharitable.

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 4/18/2006 4:24:10 PM
Author: jcrow
I''ve thought of paying half and paying the whole thing too. But to be honest, i don''t feel that''s it''s fair to the other girls. why should one girl get a break and not the others?

No offense, but how is it fair to expect her to pay if she doesn''t have the money? Just because the other girls can pay doesn''t mean that she should be forced to either find the money somehow or not be a BM. I''m sure your BM is not happy having to admit that she cannot afford the dress. If you are unwilling to help her pay, and your other BMs are unwilling to help her pay, then it sounds like you all better go back to the bridal place and tell them your budget and find another dress within that budget.

And if you and your other BMs are unwilling to help her by doing any one of the above mentioned ideas, well I wouldn''t want to be part of your wedding at all.

 

[saturn]

Date: 4/18/2006 4:25:18 PM
Author: jcrow
of course finding it on netbride is just too simple. they don''t seem to carry it.

Try RK Bridal. ( www.rkbridal.com ). They sell Jim Hjelm at a discount.
They may not offer quotes online, but if you call them they will give you a quote.

 

[Dodger Gurl]

I would have to agree. The easiest fix (for everyone - you, your BM, and her mom) is to just pay for part or all of the dress. Tell her you would rather have her wear the exact same dress as the other girls to make it less stressful and worrisome for you, and ask her how much help she needs (money-wise) to be able to buy the dress. I know it doesn''t sound fair to the other girls, but each girl has different circumstances. If you haven''t already, you should budget some money for "misc." or "unforeseen" snags like this one in your wedding budget because believe me honey, they will come up!

I am 2.5 weeks from the big day and am sooo glad I budgeted for the "misc./unforeseen" because now when something comes up I can just say "Screw it, what does it need to get fixed, ok here you go." LOL. But despite all this my nerves are still frazzled. I keep chanting to myself "Just 2.5 more weeks. Just 2.5 more weeks." LOL.

 

[monarch64]

Is there any way you can "cut a deal" with the bridesmaid who is unable to afford the dress? I''m thinking maybe she could afford the dress if she didn''t have to worry about also getting you a wedding gift, travel arrangements if necessary, all the little extras that go along with the bridesmaid responsibility...none of the other girls would have to know. I was thinking maybe you could talk to her about costs and see if maybe she could forgo getting you a wedding or shower gift (or both) so that she is able to afford the dress. If she were to insist on giving you a gift you could let her know she can take her time about it, maybe give it to you sometime after the wedding...

This is a tough situation!

 

[jcrow]

thanks saturn. i will look at RK.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Jcrow, that is a tough situation to be in.

How much are the dresses to begin with? Also, did you find out how much she can pay?

It really depends on your relationship with her and the dynamic that will result if you pay for the dress. if the other girls know and understand that she really can''t reasonably aford the whole dress, I think it would be understandable for you to help her out.

However, if she is in the same financial as the rest of the bridesmaids than it would seem that it won''t be fair b/c some may be going out of their way to pay for a dress while she just personally doesn''t feel comfortable with it. In this case, I think you will just have to make a decision, help pay a little for all the gowns or tell her how you feel and put the ball in her court to see what she wants to do.

Another good option is also to use the money that you would have spent on a BM gift for her and put it towards the dress? Just tell her that if she wants, instead of getting a gift for her you can just use that money towards the dress. If other bridesmaids protest b/c they also want that option then it shouldn''t be problematic to give that option to all of them. It will make your job easier b/c you won''t have to decide what to get them.

 

[squarediamondlove]

I actually have a similar situation in the sense that one of my bridesmaids doesn''t want to add towards the dress. I am paying $150 for each dress and the BM are paying whatever is left. This girl doesn''t want to add at all b/c she claims she has no money, but its actually very shocking to everyone b/c she spends more money than any of us (She just bought herself a $2,000 bag and often spends tons of money on shoes and etc.). So I''m thinking that if she doesn''t want to pay, I will put the ball in her court and let her decide: pay for the dress or not be a BM.

 

[teebee]

Date: 4/18/2006 4:25:18 PM
Author: jcrow
of course finding it on netbride is just too simple. they don''t seem to carry it.

Fill out the quote form anyhow - even if the designer isn''t listed. I got a quote from them on Jim Hjelm BM dresses and a couple of others they didn''t have listed. They just have the designers that they can send you a quote for via email - some designers like Hjelm and Lazaro they will have to quote over the phone. Weird, but true - they would just leave me messages saying that they are unable to give an internet quote for this designer, please call them back and they''ll quote over phone.

I think Houseofbrides.com may also quote Jim Hjelm? Can''t remember.

 

[Blue824]

Date: 4/18/2006 5:32:18 PM
Author: monarch64
Is there any way you can ''cut a deal'' with the bridesmaid who is unable to afford the dress? I''m thinking maybe she could afford the dress if she didn''t have to worry about also getting you a wedding gift, travel arrangements if necessary, all the little extras that go along with the bridesmaid responsibility...none of the other girls would have to know. I was thinking maybe you could talk to her about costs and see if maybe she could forgo getting you a wedding or shower gift (or both) so that she is able to afford the dress. If she were to insist on giving you a gift you could let her know she can take her time about it, maybe give it to you sometime after the wedding...

This is a tough situation!

Agreed...the other bridesmaids don''t have to know. For all the others know, she''s just been really careful with her spending and able to afford it herself. Or if she feels weird having you pay, I like Monarch''s idea tha she shouldn''t feel the pressure to give you gifts...i mean, her being your bm is more important than any pair of candlesticks or envelopes of cash because she gets to share your special day with you, right? I hope it works out for you!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/18/2006 10:46:08 PM
Author: Blue824

Date: 4/18/2006 5:32:18 PM
Author: monarch64
Is there any way you can ''cut a deal'' with the bridesmaid who is unable to afford the dress? I''m thinking maybe she could afford the dress if she didn''t have to worry about also getting you a wedding gift, travel arrangements if necessary, all the little extras that go along with the bridesmaid responsibility...none of the other girls would have to know. I was thinking maybe you could talk to her about costs and see if maybe she could forgo getting you a wedding or shower gift (or both) so that she is able to afford the dress. If she were to insist on giving you a gift you could let her know she can take her time about it, maybe give it to you sometime after the wedding...

This is a tough situation!

Agreed...the other bridesmaids don''t have to know. For all the others know, she''s just been really careful with her spending and able to afford it herself. Or if she feels weird having you pay, I like Monarch''s idea tha she shouldn''t feel the pressure to give you gifts...i mean, her being your bm is more important than any pair of candlesticks or envelopes of cash because she gets to share your special day with you, right? I hope it works out for you!

My SIL was one of my BM''s, but wasn''t in the same place financially as my other two girls...my parents, who are very close to her, paid for her dress but neither of the other girls knew about it. My MOH, bless her heart, bought the dress they all picked out together, drove three hours for my events (3 separate occasions), gave me gifts for all of them, and then when we went to cash her wedding gift check, it bounced. It was the saddest thing ever. I never talked to her about it...I don''t know if she ever noticed that the check didn''t go through or not, but I knew it would have broken her heart to know that I knew her check had bounced. That was almost 3 years ago, and we still talk weekly on the phone and via email. I''ve never mentioned it and never would. I feel a little guilty about the whole thing--I knew her financial situation wasn''t outstanding, but I assumed that because she accepted the position of MOH she could afford to do all the things that went along with it. Now I know better. I wish that I had found some way to let her know that she didn''t HAVE to get me a gift for every occasion, or get us a wedding gift that she couldn''t afford. So that''s where my idea came from, just to let you know.

Perhaps your potential BM is in the same place, but is worried that along with all the other expenses being a BM entails, she won''t be able to afford the dress. I think it''s wonderful of her and her mother to volunteer to make the dress themselves, but I understand that there may be a difference in the appearance of the dress compared to everyone else''s, and that that may be a problem.

I have to tell you, I also had champagne-colored BM dresses...but I also had (suddenly) two junior bm''s that we had to have separate dresses made for. Fortunately, I found a fabulous seamstress who was able to make two dresses for them that closely matched the "big girls" and the pictures turned out beautifully. Now I''m wondering if there may be an option of you having all of the dresses made from the same material your potential BM''s mother found online? Or, if you are not able to put all that responsibility/work on this girl''s mother, could you find a seamstress who would make dresses for all your gals out of the same material???

 

[gailrmv]

Do the dresses cost more than a typical bridesmaid dress? Is there any other expense you can alleviate for her such as hotel costs?

Ive been on both sides of the issue - for my wedding, we had all JUST finished college, people were on tight budgets and 3 of my 4 girls had to travel to be in the wedding. So I paid for their dresses ($100 ea and were lovely!) I also treated everyone to hair updos. I didn't want to treat the local friend unfairly so I paid for everything for her too - although I wish I hadn't, as she turned out to be a total brat but that's another story. I also arranged for one bridesmaid to stay with a family friend so she did not have to pay for hotel. I'd like to think they were appreciative that some expense was spared for them.

I'm in grad school now and the budget is tight. I was in a wedding last fall and I had to fly there plus buy a $250 dress plus shoes etc. Oh, and the hotels reserved by the bride and groom cost well over $250/night!!!! By the time I found that out, all affordable hotels in the city were booked up because of a special event taking place in the city that weekend! Blah!! All told I would be spending over $1000 be in the wedding. I knew I would be in the wedding party but I sort of assumed she would choose a dress under $200 and locate some hotel alternatives that were more reasonable. When I mentioned that the budget was tough for me, the bride generously offered for me to stay and house-sit her condo. It was a huge help to me financially, AND I was able to help her by bringing all her gifts back to her condo, cleaning up the condo after we had all gotten ready, waited there for her flowers to arrive, answer a bunch of last minute phone calls, etc. Oh, and I also did my own makeup and hair rather than paying $150 to get it done with the other girls. I felt really bad about that, but that is my life and my budget right now. She was totally cool with me doing my own makeup and hair, or at least she said she was, and I must say, it turned out as nicely as anyone else's.

It is easy to get in the mindset as the bride that the BM's own expenses are small in the scope of everything else you have to pay for. But for the BMs, the dress/travel/gifts can really add up and they may have to make some sacrifices to do it. It is a tough issue.

 

[DonaBella]

All in all, everyone is saying the same thing here, if you haven''t seen the obvious...just fork over the $, have the peace of mind that your friend is in your wedding, which I would hope is more important to you than her trying to afford a dress she obviously cannot, that it is the same dress as the other BMs and be done with this...my gosh.

When all is said and done, what is really important here?

When I first read your post, I thought for awhile before posting my response. I put myself in her shoes and tried to imagine or take on how uncomfortable this whole situation had to be for her...to come to you, admit out loud her situation, maybe risking her placement as your BM over this matter. It made me so sad and then I posted my initial response.

Don''t get me wrong...it would be nice if everyone could afford the dress, but that isn''t the case, is it? Weddings are pricey affairs even with the best and most frugal planning, so since you have the option here of making things better by buying the dress, why not just do it?

My FDIL did just that for ALL her BMs because they are giving her the gift of themselves being in her line. THAT is true love and friendship, to me anyways. Yes, some of the girls said they would pay for the dresses and may have for all I know, but for the initial purchase, I was there and the bride bought them all. They weren''t the most expensive but also not the cheapest either.

My FDIL has the peace of mind that the BMs have all the same dress, same color and no one was put in an awkward light due to their individual circumstances. No one has to know. Should it leak out about how you bought it, trust me, you will come out of this smelling like roses and everyone will adore you even more due to your compassion.

That is what it takes to move past this...just have compassion and get out your credit card or checkbook and be done with it!

 

[diamondfan]

I agree with some of the others...your helping her (and yourself) should stay between the two of you. You can offer it in a way that helps her keep her dignity. It was probably tough for her to tell you this. You are well within your rights to want all the dresses to match, but I am sure, since she clearly wants to be part of the wedding, it would be easy to say, hey look, I have thought about this, please let me help you with dress so no one has to be worried or stressed..to me, being in a wedding should be fun though it is not always so, but if you can swing it financially it is a win win situation for everyone!!!! (plus, fabric is not cheap and the mom might make a mistake...too much pressure!!!

 

[lawmax]

Richard Lavoie, "In actuality, the definition of fairness has little to do with treating people in an identical manner. The true definition of fairness is:

"Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs."

http://www.ricklavoie.com/fairnessart.html

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/19/2006 7:03:46 PM
Author: lawmax

''Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs.''

In this situation, I think the above quote is quite fitting.

I have to give your friend credit. She didn''t come to you and just whine "I can''t afford the dress!" It must have been quite a struggle with her thinking about this for her to even come up with the solution of her mother making the dress. Kudos to her.

That being said, it''s not a solution that I would prefer if I were in your shoes.

I''m sure that I''ll get flamed by saying this, but having been a bridesmaid 3 times, I don''t think it''s all that common for bridesmaids to enjoy the entire process. Sure, hopefully they are happy for you and truly are honored, but come on...the word "maid" is in there, for pete''s sake. One of my friends just asked to be a bridesmaid (we''re in our 30s, so we''re probably a bit more jaded) and she told us this when the bride wasn''t around. We all shook our heads in pity, and she looked pretty miserable about it..especially because she''s not that close to the bride.

I hope I am not sounding harsh, and I don''t mean this for your situation specifically. I know that being a bride is special...it''s "your" day as it should be. But brides, especially those who have never been bridesmaids (or those who have and now are in "payback" mode

) should try to be a bit more understanding with their bridesmaids. It''s asking a lot financially of your friends.

I hope you can pay for her dress. This doesn''t sound like the case of Kaleidoscopic''s BM where she''s being cheap on the bride on not on herself (a $2000 purse????

)...it sounds like she wants to be part of your day and is a bit stressed on how she''s going to pull it off.

Best of luck to you!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/19/2006 7:03:46 PM
Author: lawmax

Richard Lavoie, ''In actuality, the definition of fairness has little to do with treating people in an identical manner. The true definition of fairness is:

''Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs.''

http://www.ricklavoie.com/fairnessart.html

This says SO WELL what I was trying to find a way to say yesterday....that ''fair'' doesn''t always mean ''equal''.

Well done, LM.

 

[lawmax]

Date: 4/19/2006 7:36:23 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/19/2006 7:03:46 PM
Author: lawmax

Richard Lavoie, 'In actuality, the definition of fairness has little to do with treating people in an identical manner. The true definition of fairness is:

'Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs.'

http://www.ricklavoie.com/fairnessart.html

This says SO WELL what I was trying to find a way to say yesterday....that 'fair' doesn't always mean 'equal'.

Well done, LM.

Thank you edited to add: Lavoie also talks about this definition of fairness to parents regarding how they parent all of their kids who need to be treated differently and based on their individual needs.

Richard Lavoie is an amazing speaker who does incredible workshops to teach educators about how best to treat and teach mainstreamed children who have learning disabilities. He shows the teachers via examples that can sometimes be embarassing, just how the children perceive and process information (what they can and can't see, process auditorilly, etc.) and how the kids feel. He is incredible and this is his philosophy regarding fairness. In the DVD of one of his workshops, he talks about fairness. At one point, he gave a shocking example. He chose one of the participants and said what if she were choking or needed CPR. He wouldn't have time to give it to everyone present so how could he take the time to give it to her. The look on her face was priceless.

Another example...The regular ed teacher who has learning disabled students in her class says, "I can't give study guides to the children with disabilities, because it isn't fair to the other children." Duh...those kids don't need the help in leveling the playing field and having the chance to meet his or her potential. It doesn't hurt the regular ed. kids if the LD kids get half a chance to learn. Well, he also has a philosophy regarding the notion of "competition" as a learning technique. When that is the strategy, the LD kid is doomed. Those who think that having the LD kids in class brings down the level are not correct (unless the teaching strategy is poor). There just needs to be appropriate and adequate support for the LD kids so the teacher can teach all of the children at their levels.

As a pediatric speech-language pathologist who works with kids with all kinds and degrees of challenges, I am blown away by how ignorant and cruel regular ed teachers can be and that includes their treatment of my own children who both have some disabilities, but are very smart. Bless the excellent, caring, compassionate, creative, knowledgable teachers and therapists who make a huge difference and help all kids succeed to the maximal potential.

Ok, back to bridesmaids and sorry if this seems harsh jcrow. We all have this conditioned concept of fairness:

Moooooom, you can't get John a new bike if you don't get one for me!!! It's not FAIR!