BM stress already- Please help with words to say

[labbielove]

hello fellow ps''ers and thank you for all the great advice on this board.

we just set a date today (9/22/07) and already am having stress.

as background, i''m 38yo, first marriage, but was engaged over 10 years ago to the wrong person, and had gotten pretty far thru the planning- enough to have ended up (somehow) with NINE bm''s ....way more than i wanted but was too afraid to hurt feelings,etc.

i have 3 older sisters and have decided this time to have only them stand up with me. all my other good friends understand (are thankful at this point to not be bm''s!) but i have one friend who, in all honesty, would be the one i would have if i were not having just family. she has no sisters, and we have been like sisters since about the 2nd grade. her father is an ordained deacon and is marrying us. in my last engagement she was going to be a co-maid of honor with my sister. i know it''s been over 10 years, but she is so excited about me getting married that i know she''s been dying to ask if she''s in the wedding. i am so afraid to tell her that she is not, and to top it all off we are going to a concert out of town this weekend (she lives about 3 hours away).

How oh how do I disappoint someone who is so dear to me? I would like to say that I want her to do a reading or something but we haven''t even gotten that far in the planning, and we have a lot of family that we would like to include as it is.

Sorry for the rambling, but how do you tell someone that they are not in your wedding? especially when i asked them to be in it "the last time" (although that was over 10 years ago).

thank you in advance. i owe her a phone call tomorrow morning....i''m dreading this.

 

[robbie3982]

Awe Labbie, I''m sorry you''re in such a tight spot. I think if you explain to her that you want to keep it small and are limiting it to only family she might be hurt at first, but she''ll understand. You just have to be honest with her, and the sooner the better. She might be hurt and upset at first, but hopefully she''ll see your reasoning and come around.

 

[KimberlyH]

Sorry that you are feeling so bad about this. Tonight you and FI should figure out something she can do for and with you to participate so that the news is a bit softer than just not having her as a BM. Explain your reasons, honesty really does work if you''re dealing with reasonable people.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

labbie:

So sorry to hear about your dilemma. Be honest with her explain your CURRENT situation. Your last engagement/wedding planning has nothing to do with this one.

I''m sure that you''ll find a way to incorporate her. Just take your time with those details. You don''t need to know TODAY how you''ll include her. It''s enough for her (and you) to know that you want to!

 

[FireGoddess]

I think if you''re honest and tell her that this time around only your sisters will be BMs, she''ll understand...particularly if she knows that you do want her to be involved in the wedding in some other way (as was said, you don''t need to know what that way is, just yet).

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/12/2006 1:31:22 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
labbie:

So sorry to hear about your dilemma. Be honest with her explain your CURRENT situation. Your last engagement/wedding planning has nothing to do with this one.

I''m sure that you''ll find a way to incorporate her. Just take your time with those details. You don''t need to know TODAY how you''ll include her. It''s enough for her (and you) to know that you want to!

Just what I was going to say, too.

You can tell her honestly that the wedding you envision at 38 is very different from the one you might have wanted at 28, and you''d like something a bit more understated. Consequently, you aren''t doing the whole nine yards and are limiting the attendants just to sisters. However, it''s important for her to be a part of your wedding in some way, and you''ll be working to figure out what special role she can fulfill to be involved and included.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/12/2006 4:49:20 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 9/12/2006 1:31:22 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
labbie:

So sorry to hear about your dilemma. Be honest with her explain your CURRENT situation. Your last engagement/wedding planning has nothing to do with this one.

I''m sure that you''ll find a way to incorporate her. Just take your time with those details. You don''t need to know TODAY how you''ll include her. It''s enough for her (and you) to know that you want to!

Just what I was going to say, too.

You can tell her honestly that the wedding you envision at 38 is very different from the one you might have wanted at 28, and you''d like something a bit more understated. Consequently, you aren''t doing the whole nine yards and are limiting the attendants just to sisters. However, it''s important for her to be a part of your wedding in some way, and you''ll be working to figure out what special role she can fulfill to be involved and included.

Just wondering how the call went? And I agree with the above...

But just out of curiosity, since it''s only one person, who you say is as dear as a sister, why is it not possible to include her? Is it just because you want your sister only for sentimental reasons?

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/12/2006 5:35:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal

But just out of curiosity, since it''s only one person, who you say is as dear as a sister, why is it not possible to include her? Is it just because you want your sister only for sentimental reasons?

I wondered this as well? I totally understand wanting to limit your bridal party this time around... but if this person is somebody you''ve been close to for the past 30 years, whose father is marrying you, I''m sure the other girls would understand if you included her amongst your sisters as a bridesmaid. If you''re just not as close to her anymore and would prefer not to bother with any non-family, that is totally understandable too. Just curious!

 

[labbielove]

Date: 9/12/2006 7:29:05 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 9/12/2006 5:35:01 PM

Author: TravelingGal


But just out of curiosity, since it''s only one person, who you say is as dear as a sister, why is it not possible to include her? Is it just because you want your sister only for sentimental reasons?

I wondered this as well? I totally understand wanting to limit your bridal party this time around... but if this person is somebody you''ve been close to for the past 30 years, whose father is marrying you, I''m sure the other girls would understand if you included her amongst your sisters as a bridesmaid. If you''re just not as close to her anymore and would prefer not to bother with any non-family, that is totally understandable too. Just curious!

Very good question, and first of all thank you for all the excellent advice everyone-

The reason I''m not having her as a bridesmaid is that I really just do want my 3 sisters, to keep it simple, also my fiance may just have a best man due to no brothers, and all his close friends are out in Ca. (he just moved here 3 years ago). And I know that not having the same on both sides is fine, but I really don''t want to have 4 times as many! Also I am blessed to have 2 other best friends who I am also very close to, just all 3 of them are from different times in my life- grade school until now, college until now, and after college until now. the other 2 have already said "thank goodness i don''t have to be a bridesmaid- what else can i do to help?"

and because K is my friend for over 30 years, that is why i was thinking of having her do a reading. she would be the only non-family member to do so, and I thought of her for that purpose anyway because it''s a reading on marriage and of all my friends, she has been married the longest (18 years) and I truly admire their relationship.
We have played phone tag all day today so I still haven''t had "the conversation" but as I''ve had it with the other 2 friends, and after reading the good advice here, I may be making a mountain out of a mole-hill. She may be thrilled. Either way, I know it will work out fine in the end. I just hate conflict- guess I better get over that real fast to make it thru this process, huh?! LOL

 

[firebirdgold]

How about asking her to do a reading during the ceremony? Both weddings I''ve been in the last month have had at least one person stand up and read a poem or snippet of literature about love and marriage that''s meaningful to the couple. It was a wonderful part of the ceremony. If you ask her to do that, reserve a special seat on a front edge for her, get her a floral pin (a flower or two), and have her as part of the rehersal and rehersal dinner... I bet she''ll feel honoured not slighted.

 

[labbielove]

update- i just spoke to her finally after days of phone tag and
when i asked her to do a reading and how important it was to have her involved in the service,
she said of course, what else can i do to help?

she will be the only non-family member involved in the service so she feels honored, which is exactly how i wanted it to go.

she understood about me wanting to keep it simple,

so thank you for all the advice/suggestions.

my lesson learned? don''t assume the worst!!!

thank you ps''ers...

 

[TravelingGal]

YAY! She sounds like a wonderful friend...someone who just wants to share in the day with you, in whatever way possible. Excellent!!

 

[TravelingGal]

ETA, oops, double post.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m so glad it all worked out for you!