boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner, and birth control concerns

[fisherofmengirly]

Okay, this is me officially freaking out, or at least on the way toward it. Paul and I went through a bridal magazine this weekend, and who knew they made ATLANTA BRIDE magazine? How cool is that? Well, he''s vetoed wearing a boutonniere, which is fine with me, but his mom is really not okay with it. My mom also says the men in the party need to wear them. I think MOST people these days don''t, at least not the weddings I''ve been to. Paul says if the paper thing works out, maybe he''ll wear a paper flower, but he doesn''t want to wear a real one, so he doesn''t smell all flowery. I see it as a way to save money, and it''s really not a big deal to me, either way. This is the smallest of my "freak out" episode, but I did want to ask about others'' opinions on it: do you see a lot of men not wearing them these days?

Freak out number two: Paul''s mom, whom I LOVE to pieces, she''s really very sweet and I just think the world of her, so don''t get me wrong when I say this: I think she''s wanting this to be her wedding as much as mine and Paul''s. We''d originally said we weren''t going to ask our parents to help with this, since we want small, friendly, not stuffy, and inexpensive. My parents have since said they''ll take care of the reception food, and we''ll do the decorations and stuff ourselves, since I have a creative side and enjoy that stuff. Well, now Paul''s parents want to do the rehearsal dinner, which is VERY nice of them, but we still want to do it cheaply, because we don''t want anyone to be creating debt over our wedding day. *Our* plan was to have the rehearsal dinner in the reception all at the church following the practice run, followed with setting up the tables for the wedding the next day. We were thinking of ordering a ton of pizza, having a ton of salad, and some fruit and the groom''s cake *a map of the United States, being that Paul''s nuts over the geographical make up of the country* for dinner. Not expensive, but fun and a good meal to have with friends, kicked back, having fun and enjoying the preparation for the following day. She isn''t liking that plan at all, and has decided to look at restraunts, and at catering. Neither of us want this, but Paul says we need to just accept the gift they''re offering. I agree that it''s nice, and I appreciate it, but his dad is disabled and his mom is basically taking care of both of them and I''d hate to think of them doing more than we''d have done for ourselves. I''ve not said anything out of the way to her, and wouldn''t dream of it, but I do feel a little irked, and hurt, maybe. I''m not sure what feeling it is I feel, actually. So, am I being ridiculous?

Thirdly, I''m freaking out trying to decide whether or not I want to go on the pill. A dear friend of mine JUST got married in April, and became pregnant on her honeymoon. I DO NOT want that. Eventually, yes, in the first week of marriage, no. I have made an initial appointment to see the Dr, but I''m freaking out over it. I''ve never been, I''m scared. They said they don''t usually have to do as much *internal* poking on virgins, but given my age, they may need to after all. Hmm. We have agreed that it''ll start as a consult, and if I don''t do well, I''ll get a prescription for Valium and go back the next week. Still, it has me totally tweaking scared. Paul has agreed to go get a physical himself, I suppose this is his way of enduring something horrible for me, too. Heehee.

Friday I may end up getting to go try on dresses! For the first time. Exciting! I''m thinking of going with Paul''s mom, but I may end up with a friend first. I''m not sure. Are you supposed to wear anything special in the way of undergarments for it? Like, am I supposed to get one of those corset-looking bras to use to try on dresses, or should I just wear my normal undergarments? Confusion.

 

[MustangGal]

I think the flower thing is up to you two, in the whole scheme of things I don''t think it''ll really matter if he wears a flower or not.

I was also a virgin when I got married (you go girl!), and went on the pill 4 months before the wedding because I wanted to realy make sure it was going to work. I was totally freaked out about the appointment, had never been to that doctor before and was soooo nervous! I made myself go through with it. It was not the most comfotable 5 minutes of my life, but I got over it pretty quick, and the pill has worked for 5 years so far. It''s not that bad, I would suggest you do it, because most other methods of birth control don''t work at all. Once you''re married you''ll have to do it once a year anyway, so this will be your first step.

Have fun trying on dresses!

 

[JulieN]

IMO, boutonnieres these days are done wrong, too overwrought and BIG. When Prince Charles and Camilla had their wedding, the young princes'' boutonnieres were perfect. http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200504/r44667_115570.jpg

You should have a Pap smear.

 

[E B]

Freakout #1: I don't think it's that big of a deal. I didn't even know it was the custom to wear boutenniers (or for the MOB/MOGs to wear corsages?) but since our wedding is a *little bit* on the formal side, I'm ordering them. I saw one angry girl (on one of the boards I visit) post that at a wedding she went to, the photographer took pictures of the men without their bouts on. Why was she upset? She said they looked like they were just going to dinner without them. I guess with bouts, it's obvious your husband is a groom and not your dinner date, but I really don't think it matters either way. A paper flower is a cute idea.

Freakout #2: I'd take the gift as it is, but I'm very much about getting along with FH's parents. If his parents decided to throw something grand, I'd let 'em because really, I don't think it's worth worrying about. Perhaps you could tell her that you absolutely appreciate what she's doing, and it doesn't have to be fancy at all.

Freakout #3: If you're seriously scared of going on the pill, I'd just use condoms on the honeymoon. You'll have enough stress that week as it is, and the added thought of whatever it is you're scared of won't help. When used correctly, condoms are very, very effective.

I know this is kind of a personal question, but have you had a pap smear? You're supposed to get one every year after you start your period. I was put on the pill twice, the first at 19, and I don't remember anything crazier than a regular exam (pap smear). They'll also ask you questions about your family history.

Regarding trying on dresses, I didn't bring anything. If you're busty, you might want to bring a strapless bra or bustier, but that's about it. Good luck, and have fun!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

gosh those boys are cute, aren''t they? The older one reminds me of "Randy" from Home Improvement. Cute as a button, and a tad hot, too.

Yeah, I don''t think it''s a big deal, either. If he wants to wear one, he can. If he doesn''t, I''m not sweating it. If people can''t tell he''s the groom, they probably shouldn''t be at the wedding, in my opinion.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 9/10/2006 8:48:45 PM
Author: EBree
Freakout #1: I don''t think it''s that big of a deal. I didn''t even know it was the custom to wear boutenniers (or for the MOB/MOGs to wear corsages?) but since our wedding is a *little bit* on the formal side, I''m ordering them. I saw one angry girl (on one of the boards I visit) post that at a wedding she went to, the photographer took pictures of the men without their bouts on. Why was she upset? She said they looked like they were just going to dinner without them. I guess with bouts, it''s obvious your husband is a groom and not your dinner date, but I really don''t think it matters either way. A paper flower is a cute idea.

Freakout #2: I''d take the gift as it is, but I''m very much about getting along with FH''s parents. If his parents decided to throw something grand, I''d let ''em because really, I don''t think it''s worth worrying about. Perhaps you could tell her that you absolutely appreciate what she''s doing, and it doesn''t have to be fancy at all.

Freakout #3: If you''re seriously scared of going on the pill, I''d just use condoms on the honeymoon. You''ll have enough stress that week as it is, and the added thought of whatever it is you''re scared of won''t help. When used correctly, condoms are very, very effective.

I know this is kind of a personal question, but have you had a pap smear? You''re supposed to get one every year after you start your period. I was put on the pill twice, the first at 19, and I don''t remember anything crazier than a regular exam (pap smear). They''ll also ask you questions about your family history.

Regarding trying on dresses, I didn''t bring anything. If you''re busty, you might want to bring a strapless bra or bustier, but that''s about it. Good luck, and have fun!

Ebree, I''m not busty. At all. Sadly.

I''ve never been to a any sort of appointment for anything related to my reproductive organs, so that''s why I''m freaking out so much. I''ve asked a TON of people at work, and the place I''ve scheduled to visit is apparently the best, the friendliest, and the best qualified to work with girls who freak the heck out, which I can already tell I''m on my way toward.

I still need to find a book I like for paper flower making. Maybe that will be my wedding-related task for the week.

We talked to her about the pizza thing, she didn''t say anything negative about it, but we both know she thinks it lacks "kooth," or however you spell that word. She uses it all the time. I guess whatever is fine, but I''d hate to have this super fancy thing that no one feels comfortable at, then have to go back to the fellowship hall to decorate for the following morning''s ceremony. Oh well. It''ll all be fine. This is just my first dose of "I''m really, really getting married," I think.

 

[E B]

Date: 9/10/2006 9:02:53 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Ebree, I''m not busty. At all. Sadly.

Sadly? Girl, I wouldn''t trade my Bs for anything. I never have a hard time finding tops to wear, and I don''t have men looking at my chest instead of my face. Be proud of your size!

Regarding the exam, I''m not going to lie...it isn''t pleasant. But, it''s one of those things we have to do. It''s pretty quick, and if you tell them it''s your first time, they''ll be gentle (and uh...use smaller tools..I still request the smaller tools!).

 

[jcrow]

exam & bc: it would be as bad as you are probably thinking it is. it''s really not painful. just wierd-uncomfortable in the fact that it''s wierd. that''s about it. i actually just went to figure out bc for myself a couple of weeks ago. i''m still very nervous about the whole bc idea. but, we are getting married in nov. and i figured i should have a bit to try it out.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am assuming you are over 18 so you really should get checked out anyways (sex or not). Just take deep breathes, close your eyes and it will be over before you know it. I am very pro-BC. I think everyone should be able to plan when you want to have children and the pill is an excellent way to do that. I agree with Ebree. Let them know the situation and they will be as gentle as possible. Just think it is better (and less painful) than going through labor

Re: freakout 1# and 2#- this is your wedding. Do what you want. If you don''t want bouts (though they are pretty cheap so I wouldn''t use cost as a factor) don''t. Eat what you want and enjoy this time in your life.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I''m a good bit past 18, yep. I guess I need to just suck it up. I''ve been trying to do some research on different types of birth control, and which are less destructive to the normal functioning of the body. I guess the dr. would know more than me, though!

I''ve just had an emotional week, and it''s all adding up to me being a little tense about everything here lately. It''ll settle. I''m still thrilled and excited and all that, though. Geesh, it''s fun to think of being with the boy I love, for the rest of forever.

 

[ponderer]

fisher,

As the last one of my friends not to yet have children, I have heard of every concievable method of birth control. And I think I have heard of almost every concievable way of getting pregnant while using one of them

It is really important that if you do not want to become pregnant any time soon that you start birth control before you have sex. I have had more than one friend get pregnant the first month they were on birth control, not because they did not take it correctly, but because their body did not stop ovulating the first month. Also, please note that oral atibiotics will decrease the effectiveness of the pill (not all doctors mention this).I have even had a friend get pregnant on her first round of Depo-provera. Condoms do work well, if used properly. But people tend to get lazy, especailly if you have been drinking. ( At least in a couple of my friends experience).

The doctor is kind of intimidating to go to the first time, but it is a necessary evil and its nice to forge a good relationship with a OB/GYN before you even think about getting pregnant. Make sure that at least for your first exam that you see an OB/GYN and not a general practioner. I find GP''s to be slower and a little clumsier. You want speed and adeptness for your first PAP/Pelvic exam. Also, dont go right before your period. You tend to be a little more tender and emotional.

Also, good news is that the newest guidelines allow for PAP smears to be performed only every 3 years if you have a history of regular negative PAPs and if you are in a long term monogamous realtionship, and have no other reproductive problems.

If you find yourself really nervous about this, I have had friends take their mom/sister/good friend for moral support.

Remember, this should not be painful, a little uncomfortable, yes, embarassing, definately, but in the end you will realize that its no big deal and every other adult female has to do it too.

 

[JCJD]

1: we used bout''s... I think it''s up to you two though. Not having them may give your wedding a more informal feel, if that''s what you''re going for.

2: Tough situation... if you and Paul really don''t want a more formal rehearsal dinner, then Paul needs to sit his mother down and discuss this with her. Perhaps you can work out a compromise - a catered but informal dinner at the church perhaps. Perhaps discuss with her how you want the wedding to "feel" - friendly, fun, family-oriented, for example, and you would like the rehearsal dinner to reflect this theme as well. I would probably avoid talking about the money savings she will have if she does it your way, because she may take that badly. More have Paul talk about how you two want the rehearsal dinner to feel, and hope and pray that convinces her.

3: Another virgin before marriage here - you go girls! It was tough, but definitely worth the waiting! You should start going to the gyno once you either hit 18 or start having intercourse, whichever comes first, so you''re past due for your checkup! My first pap was when I was 18 (married at 23), and the doc used a smaller speculum (spelling?) for me - ask about this before your exam. Also, as said before, it''s not painful, just weird. Just relax and breathe, and it will be over before you know it. It should only take a minute or two for the doctor to collect a tiny sample of cells.

When is your wedding (I''m not up on everyone''s dates anymore!)? You should try to be on the pill for a minimum of 3 months to see how your body reacts to the hormonal changes. Just be sure to discuss bc choices with your fiance BEFORE you go to the doctor so you know what you two are and are not willing to use, for whatever reason.

 

[saturn]

Regarding #1 - We decided to use pocket squares instead of boutonnieres. IMO, they''re a little more masculine than boutonnieres, but they still help to set the GM apart.

Regarding #2 - Is there any way you can compromise? I mean, maybe let FMIL hire caterers to do something slightly fancier than pizza, but still have it be at the church and laid-back...

Regarding #3 - It''s really not as bad as you are thinking it will be. I had several paps before I was married (and still a virgin), and it is uncomfortable, but not painful. Just try not to think about it too much beforehand, and relax while it''s happening.
I''ve been very happy with bc pills. I would strongly recommend trying them out well in advance of the wedding, since it will allow you to get into the habit of taking them, see how your body responds, etc. For me, the pill had several very welcome side effects: my cycle became more regular and my PMS and cramps went away. To start off, I really think that the pill or condoms are the best options - they''re the simplest and most effective. If the idea of a pap smear freaks you out this much, then I''m not sure that something like a diaphragm or cervical cap would be a great option for you. But, like JCJD said, you need to discuss it with your FI and find a method that''s acceptable for both of you.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I know a few people have mentionned this, but....


EVERYBODY, virgin or not, needs to see the OB when they are either a)18 or b)start gaving sex. It''s SO important to have a medical baseline for what is normal. It''s not scary, dirty, and if its humiliating you need to find a better doctor for chrissakes.

I can sort of understand being nervous about the whole "poking" thing, but really its just uncomfortable.

Good on you for sticking to your convictions re sex.

 

[E B]

Date: 9/11/2006 1:10:24 AM
Author: rainbowtrout

EVERYBODY, virgin or not, needs to see the OB when they are either a)18 or b)start gaving sex. It's SO important to have a medical baseline for what is normal. It's not scary, dirty, and if its humiliating you need to find a better doctor for chrissakes.

I thought it was as soon as you started your period, but I could be wrong.

 

[rainbowtrout]

also, diaphrams are not nearly as effective as the pill or condoms plus spermicide. And I don''t think you can use one if you are a virgin...unless you don''t have a hymen, which your doc should tell you.


Are you good with taking pills at nearly the same time each day and not skipping? If not you might want to consider the ring or using condoms as well...and if you are generally uncomfortable with ANYTHING being in the area, the ring might help get you flat on it before the honeymoon.


This is a bit random, but I suggested to my best friend who is also a virgin that she NOT have sex on the wedding night...too much pressure, too tired..wait a day, maybe.


Sorry, BC and womens health is one of my hobbeyhorses.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 9/11/2006 1:20:23 AM
Author: EBree

Date: 9/11/2006 1:10:24 AM

Author: rainbowtrout


EVERYBODY, virgin or not, needs to see the OB when they are either a)18 or b)start gaving sex. It''s SO important to have a medical baseline for what is normal. It''s not scary, dirty, and if its humiliating you need to find a better doctor for chrissakes.

I thought it was as soon as you started your period, but I could be wrong.

I have always read 18, and given as girls now start at 12 and 13....maybe the "when you start" guideline was from when women started at 15-18?

 

[kcoursolle]

About your first OBGYN visit...I''d definitely recommend getting on the pill before marriage. This in the end will be much less stressful. Condoms work...but they are a pain, the pill is soooooo much better. Also, some girls have side effects with the pill. There are about 30 different pills out there, so if you aren''t liking one tell your doctor so you can switch. It took me four different kinds, but now I''ve found one that I love. Also, someone else mentioned this...but be sure to tell your doctor what medications you are on to make sure that they don''t counteract. Anytime you get on antibiotics you will probably have to use a backup method to prevent pregnancy.

As far as the actual first visit...I was totally scared my first time too! Luckily, it goes really really fast. It only takes really about 2 minutes of poking around. My advice would be to have a female doctor to make you more comfortable and to talk to her about other stuff while she''s doing it. Talking about school or travelling or whatever distracts you from the awkwardness of the situation. By the way, none of it is painful...just awkward and a lack of privacy. Good luck, it will be over before you know it.

 

[Blenheim]

I''d also go on the pill a bit before marriage, just in case you end up wanting to switch around and find the right one for you. I''d hate to be dealing with hormone changes right before our wedding, personally. I think that I''ll be emotional enough as it is.

Regarding the rehearsal dinner -- what we''re tentatively planning on doing is pretty informal, but is catered and more formal than pizza: barbeque and tex-mex. One of my former bosses had barbeque at his rehearsal dinner, and was still talking about how wonderful it was whenever he went out to eat barbeque years later. I''m not quite sure how much it will run (FMIL is taking care of details), but I don''t think the cost should be too bad. Would something like this, or something similarly laidback yet catered work for you?

Oh, and because it hasn''t been addressed, don''t worry about special undergarments for trying on dresses. I actually walked into the store where we ended up buying my dress not wearing a bra (I have A cups and couldn''t wear a bra with the dress I wore that day), and even that worked out fine. They usually have a bunch of those corset looking bras in different sizes that you can borrow. None of them fit me perfectly, but since I''m going to buy actual ones that fit before I get my dress fitted, I don''t think it will be an issue.


Hang in there, Fishie!

 

[sumbride]

Fisher-

Everyone here has given great advice, but I just want to stess something about the pill. You have to take it at the same time each day for it to be it''s most effective. The best way to do this is to make it part of your schedule and use an alarm. I take mine at 6 am each day and have been for the last 6 years. That means my body naturally wakes up at 6 am now, but I STILL set an alarm. It''s too important for me to miss! They sell these cases with built in alarms and I highly recommend them. It''s $20, but will give you tremendous peace of mind. There are tons available but the one I use is Pill Pak. http://www.pillpaks.com

and just remember to relax, exhale, and go to your happy place during the exam. it''s very quick. uncomfortable, yes, but not horribly painful.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 9/11/2006 1:23:04 AM
Author: rainbowtrout

Date: 9/11/2006 1:20:23 AM

Author: EBree

Date: 9/11/2006 1:10:24 AM


Author: rainbowtrout



EVERYBODY, virgin or not, needs to see the OB when they are either a)18 or b)start gaving sex. It''s SO important to have a medical baseline for what is normal. It''s not scary, dirty, and if its humiliating you need to find a better doctor for chrissakes.

I thought it was as soon as you started your period, but I could be wrong.

I have always read 18, and given as girls now start at 12 and 13....maybe the ''when you start'' guideline was from when women started at 15-18?

No, 18 or when you first have sex, whichever is first.

 

[flopkins]

fisher -

I have seen some cool pix of bouts that were made from berries, or leaves or other stuff too so think outside the box if your FI is not interested in flowers. Of course, nothing is fine too. The only requirement is that he be there! hehe. If you do go w/an alternative, just make sure it is a ''durable'' material - your FI will be giving/recieving lots of hugs so you don''t want it to get crushed before the ceremony starts!

Regarding the RD, I would say that yes, you/FI''s idea is much cheaper/easier/practical, but if FMIL is insisting on it, I would just let it go. Usu it is the ILs that arrange the RD, so perhaps she is worried that it will ''look bad'' if ''she'' serves pizza and soda, even if it was what you wanted! Besides, if you delegate that task to them, it is less for you to arrange... IMO, anyway.

As for the BC, please yes, look into it ASAP, it is a bit unnerving at first but not a big deal, and it''s for your health!! I also highly recommend starting BC a bit before the wedding so your body adjusts, like someone else mentioned, sometimes ppl react differently to the drugs so you never know.

 

[Fancy605]

I agree with what others have said about the doctor thing. It SO isn''t a big deal. To me, the worst part is when they prick your finger to check your iron. (and that''s just because blood makes me squeemish and it stings a bit). Everything else is a breeze. The pap smear part only lasts like a minute, and it really doesn''t hurt. As someone mentioned, it is just not comfortable. AND the speculum isn''t as scarey as it looks. The first time I ever went, the doctor saw my eyes widen and said (sorry for the crudeness), "Honey child, stop your worrying. This thing''s smaller than anything any man will ever stick in you... At least I HOPE it is anyway."

Have you considered whether you prefer a male or female doctor? That''s an important thing to take into consideration.

 

[njc]

Nytemist got this thread about birth control going over in Family and Home. Lots of good recommendations on what works and doesnt so you can do a little research on your own and discuss with your doctor. As everyone has mentioned, the exam is just a little weird feeling. Its really hard to do, but the more you relax, especially your legs, the more comfortable you will be and minimize even more what little pain there is. Modesty will fly out the window, but these docs are used to it. Personally, I prefer a female doctor and love the one I have now. She takes a lot of notes and asks me all sorts of questions and I feel like she cares about me, and that im not just a number to her.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Jen --

maybe you can flag down Dani at some point if you have any more questions about your OBGYN appointment.

Dani''s a Nurse Practitioner in OBGYN (I believe) and has been really helpful answering some PS''ers questions.

Sometimes it''s easier asking questions beforehand, and not in person, so you can prepare yourself for anything that you''re worried about.

just a thought : )

Aussie

 

[AmberWaves]

I agree that it''s no big deal- despite that I was terrfied! I''ve gotten an annual every year (my obgyn makes it mandatory for my BC prescription), and it''s doesn''t get easier but then you remember that it really IS for your own good.

I must admit that I''m surprised, Fisher, didn''t your GP tell you that you really should have seen an OB/GYN since you started your period, sexually active or not? I know mine did, that seems a little strange to me.

Also, Fancy, your doctor said WHAT?!

If mine said something like that, I''d be a little creeped out, but maybe that''s my "delicate" ears.

 

[E B]

Date: 9/11/2006 8:41:34 PM
Author: Fancy605
'Honey child, stop your worrying. This thing's smaller than anything any man will ever stick in you... At least I HOPE it is anyway.'

LOL!

 

[diane5006]

Hello...take a deep breath as many have said the exam is not that bad...you will be fine...make sure the person doing the exam knows it is your first one...depending on where you are going they may be willing to defer the exam for a maximum of 3 months (we used to do that in some cases)...and will have you do the exam when you come back in for more of whatever method you choose...you don't need to see a specialist for basic well-women exam (PAP, pelvic, breast exam)...some people prefer to see and OB/GYN but anyone can do them...if there are problems they should refer...

You definately want to go on the pill (if that is what you choose) well in advance of your honeymoon...that way you can make sure it is a method that works for you...and can get on the right one for you...

You also want to ask the person you are seeing about emergency contraception (PlanB) and you should get either a prescription or an advance supply to take with you on your honeymoon...that way if something happens and you are worried you have back up

 

[firebirdgold]

1) My fsil wedding had bout''s on practically everyone related, great little orchid things. I love the idea of pocket squares in your wedding colors, that little triangle of color is just so cool.

2) Perhaps you can tell her that since the wedding is going to be casual that you''re worried the rehersal dinner will be more formal than the actual wedding? Feeling like you''re confiding in her might help.

3) For me a female Obgyn is crucial, but it used to be all men and some women prefer them. Make sure you tell them ahead of time that you haven''t had sex yet, so they can prepare the right thingy. (they warm them up nowdays) I always get the giggles because it looks to me a bit like a carjack that ratchets up. Basically they stick this small tool in you and ratchet it open a little so they can get a hands-free look-see and stick a little swab in you for the pap smear. Not at all painfull but a little odd feeling. A bit like having the dentist put a plastic thing in your mouth.
BC pills are great. Mine cleared up my skin, made my period easier, and I can pick a weekend for my wedding months out knowing for sure I won''t have my period or pms. (I still pms though). Mine aren''t so sensitive to the time of day I take them, I guess it depends. Also condoms are not the most comfortable things for either side, dulls the feeling. When you mess up with the pills you''ll have to use them anyway. (almost everyone messes up sometimes) Er... *cough*.. a bit of wedding night advice?: buy some K9.

 

[sumbride]

eh, I think Indie means "KY".