Brand new and frustrated

[gypsymauve]

I found this website when I googled ''why won''t he propose,'' and I''ve had some fun looking at everyone''s posts and feel that I may have found a support system. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years this October. Ever since we''ve started dating we''ve been inseperable and have had minimal arguments. He is the funnest person I know and we love each other and make each other laugh. I never knew I could find someone I''m so compatable with. However, whenever I look at him lately I can''t help but wonder what the freaking how up is. Where is my ring? We talk about our future all the time, but somehow I''m not yet engaged. I don''t want to be his girlfriend of three years, I want to be his wife. We''re happy, things are great, we have the money, but it just seems as though the idea hasn''t occured to him. I''m frustrated. Our lease expires next May, and if I''m not engaged by than, I''m not going to be renewing it. The very thought of this breaks my heart, but so does the humiliation of having everyone you know comment that they''ve never seen two people happier and than wondering why it''s not official. Any thoughts?

 

[snuga]

I''m sorry that you are feeling down, but glad that you found PS. It is a great support system and it''s always nice to know that people are going through similar things... so WELCOME!!

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your feelings? Did you let him know how important getting engaged is to you? Have you told him that you plan to not renew if you are not engaged by the time your lease expires? Sometimes they really don''t know or understand how we feel. I would definitely talk to him about it if you haven''t already!!

 

[gypsymauve]

I guess I just assumed that you fall in love and get married. It''s the natural next step. I don''t want to feel that I''m pushing him, ideally, I want it to be a surprise and I want the decision to be made on him own, but I''m almost morbidly curious to see how long he is willing to go before it actually does occur to him. I''ve mae comments, it''s definately no secret, but we''ve never sat down and had a talk about it, because I feel that giving him an ultimatum really sucks the romance out of things.

 

[sk8rjen]

Ultimatums are bad, true. But being on the same page as your partner is important, and discussing the hard stuff is a normal part of any healthy relationship. So talking about it and at least knowing where you both stand and what you both want is necessary. Lots of us here have been in your shoes--- different timelines for everyone, sure... but you''d be really surprised how many guys just go with the flow and DON''T think too hard about the next step. Or there''s the very real possibility that''s he''s already working on it and keeping you in the dark...

Anyway, you found a great group to commiserate with

and venting here is usually better than venting to the boyfriend! I would say you probably won''t need to discuss not renewing your lease if you have an honest talk about where you two are, though, and get a bit of a timeframe. Many ladies here attest to the fact that having a timeframe ("within the next 6 mos," "before the end of the year") helps them keep patient.


Good luck!!! hope your stay is short! (ps if you want to be added to the official list, post in that thread too!)

jen

 

[Mimikins24]

Welcome gypsymauve!!!

You have found a wonderful group of ladies here!!! I actually stumbled on this site for help with a situation where I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but found this forum and it is a great support system.

I really believe that you need to sit down and have a discussion about your feelings and expectations. The most important thing I have realized in my time as a LIW is that a lot of men are really clueless about womens' expectations with regard to a timeline for engagement and marriage --- even men that are pretty tuned in and intelligent in the rest of their lives. I think that if you already have a deadline in mind (i.e.: the expiration of your lease), then you can't just leave your BF in the dark about it. Open lines of communication are important in a relationship and this will be a test of that.

I know that discussing the topic may seem to take some of the "romance" of him totally surprising you and sweeping you off your feet. Around here discussing the engagement (and the ring) is more the norm than the exception. I think that all the ladies who have become engaged will tell you that their discussions and involvement in the process did not make their engagement any less special.

There is always the possibility that he is thinking about it already and that opening up the lines of communication will be a welcome release. At least this is what I found with my BF. You know your BF best, so you can judge how he would feel about it.

I understand the pressures from other people --- my BF and I were really close friends for 2 years (during which time people thought we were a couple), now dating for almost 5 years and living together for 1.5 years --- we get the questions all the time, especially at the four family weddings we have attended in the last year!!!

Keep you spirits up!!! You say that you guys have a great relationship, so I'm sure that he will want to hear about anything that is bothering you. Good luck and keep us updated. You can join the LIW list if you want. It's a fun way to keep track of how long we have been here --- I've been here since November, moved up about 50 spots, and I will be here for quite a bit longer!!!

 

[galeteia]

Welcome to PS! This place is such a wonderful collective of women (and men) with a wide variety of experiences, so there is excellent advice to be found here.

I agree with your reluctance to give an ultamatium to your BF; one never wants to feel like they forced someone to marry them, you want him to want to marry you. There is a good chance that he does, but men just don't seem to be as hot-to-trot-to-the-altar as women are, generally speaking. I find that men tend be more along the lines of 'if it isn't broken, don't fix it' kind of thinking, whereas women are always thinking a step ahead. I personally feel that a proposal shouldn't be made unless the proposer already knows the answer will be yes. There are SO many huge issues (and smaller ones) that need to be discussed before two people decide to marry.

So my .02 on what you could do is:

You could let your BF know your intentions regarding the lease without it being an ultimatium. You could try: seeing as the May lease date is looming, he needs to know that you aren't comfortable with a long-term living arrangement with a man who is not your fiance. That way, he knows the date that you two are working with, knows that you aren't willing to sign the renewal if you aren't engaged, and knows that you want to get engaged, and soon. All without stating it baldly or giving him a 'propose now or I'm walking' tone.

I hope that helps. Best of luck!

 

[plantationcatt]

Hi, you will get more out of this forum than you can imagine!

I''m so glad you''ve found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. In that regard, all of us on here are luckier than most.
I would say along the same lines as others have said, perhaps just sit down and chat about your future together...and then see how that goes before you bring up anything about a timeline or the lease. Maybe that would be chat #2. Men don''t always see things coming.
Let us know how things go--good luck!

 

[Fancy605]

I agree with what the others have suggested--Ultimatums usually put people in a bad possition because no one likes to be put a possition where it is "her way or the highway." I would imagine it could be very frustrating to hear, "Marry me or I''m out of here" because most guys seem to be of the opinion that "if she really loves me, she loves me enough to wait a bit." Now, I understand your frustration. You want him to be on the same page with you. Here''s what I would do.

1. If anyone wants to know when you''re getting married, simply reply "As soon as we''re ready to." I used to say that a lot, and now I rarely have to answer the question. People got the point--I hope I didn''t make it too harshly.

2. Have a conversation with him about it. I wouldn''t give him an ultimatum...I would just lovingly explain you feel.

 

[anchor31]

It''s important that he knows it''s important for you to get married some day. We probably all fantasize about the complete surprise proposal thing, but if he doesn''t know you want to get married... He can''t guess! He may just be waiting for your "go"!

I found PS exactly the same way you did. The best advice I''ve been given here is "talk to your man". He''s not a psychic, he can''t guess what you want. That tiny little advice saved my relationship, and he proposed just last Friday!

Good luck!

 

[sumbride]

I agree with the overwhelming majority here in that you have to talk to him about this. Every relationship has different timelines, and even people too, so while you may think "what is he waiting for?" he might be thinking "this is great, just like this." Or he could be thinking "we''ll get married in a few more years" or he could be shopping now. There''s no way to know what he''s thinking without asking him and telling him what you''re thinking.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over three and a half years, and only seriously started discussing engagement, as in an actual timeline, this year. His timeline is a little different than mine, but I respect his and it''s working for both of us. Although when I mentioned your posting to him he said "you''re going to tell her that your jerk boyfriend hasn''t proposed yet either and its been almost 4 years!" I laughed at him and said "I often use the phrase ''jerk boyfriend''" (joking OF COURSE). At less than 2 years together, he wasn''t even ready to move in together, even though we both considered that a prerequisite for engagement. I wasn''t ready to get married at that point, but I was ready to move in that direction.

Just talk to him, and stick around! This is a great group of women! And we DO know what you''re going through!

 

[firebirdgold]

If I''m not being rude, may I ask how old he is? Men often tend to have their own mental timeframe on getting married, but they sometimes seem to run a bit slower than women.
You''ve said you''ve mentioned Marriage to him. What was the context and how did he respond?

Oh, and welcome to Pricescope and the LIW''s!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Welcome gypsymauve! I agree that it will be very helpful for you to have a little heart-to-heart with your bf. Not an ultimatum, just a discussion about your feelings and your plans concerning the lease and wanting to know where your future is headed. There is nothing wrong with that. Also, many of the ladies here have been completely involved with ring shopping and still been very surprised because they didn''t know when and where the proposal would occur. I''m sure they''ll tell you it was still magical! Keep us updated and you''ve found a great place for advice or to just vent your frustrations!

 

[aquarius_ser]

I have been in your situation... this is what I did: (My BF and I were together 1 1/2 yrs but living together, had planned to marry, etc)

There was a Bridal Jewelry Show that was coming to town. I love Tacori rings and the Tacori Reps were going to be in town and have their full collection, so I took that opportunity to tell my BF I would like to go. This got the ball rolling...

I reminded him once in a while of the upcoming show so he didn''t make other plans or "forget." He wasn''t too excited about going because he didn''t think we were in the financial position to buy a ring. I told him this was the perfect time because we had not bought a house together yet and we didn''t have a large mortgage. (We live in my small house) When the day rolled around, we went down to the show. I "let" him pick out the one he liked, etc, but I picked out one I fell in love with... we ended up going back a couple months later (LONG MONTHS, I might add

), we picked out a diamond and ordering the ring. I had to work pretty hard to get him back down to the store and buy the diamond. For my BF, it was a financial situation. That''s why I offered to pay half.... In addtion to my ring being more than he wanted to spend.

I can tell you that I would NOT have a ring now if I didn''t coordinate everything, research diamonds, and push him to the show. I think he would have waited until next year to buy the ring but I wanted it NOW!!

Especially before I sold MY house and bought a house with HIM.

No ultimatums though... I am completely against that. Just from my previous experience, it doesn''t work.
Good Luck.