Bratty vent...

[Pandora II]

I'm afraid I'm venting here, because I'm not sure my family or FI will understand...

My aunt is the most appalling vindictive woman I know - imagine the worst kind of tv sitcom jewish momma. She has spent my whole live hoping that I would turn into a dropout junkie with 3 kids, and constantly compares me and my brother and sisters with her 4 kids. They are also staggeringly rich.

Her eldest son (currently an unemployed doctor) who is 28 got engaged to his girlfriend of 2 years a couple of weeks ago. My mother has just rung me to tell me they have set their wedding date for 4 weeks before mine.

I am so irritated. She will now spend my entire wedding day comparing with her son's. I have had a huge mental problem with her for years and thought I was coming to not care anymore and now its right back again. I don't even know why it bothers me so much.

I have a huge family and we normally only all meet up every 3 or 4 years, so I felt my wedding was going to be a certain sort of way. Now they'll all just be - oh god another wedding...

I really didn't want to compete and now I know I will spend the whole time worrying if mine will live up to his. My grandmother is always going on about how wonderful everything my aunt does is - she will throw huge amounts of ££££ at this event.

I sound really pathetic I know.

Sorry!

ETA: Oh dear now I've just read Jenstone's thread and feel even more stupid...

 

[surfgirl]

First of all, as someone from a Jewish family, I dont think she's a witch because of her religion. She's just not a nice person. So let's take that out of the equation because it's rather derogatory and no mothers I know (Jewish or otherwise) would ever wish anything other than success and happiness on their nieces and nephews...

Related to your complaint, you have every right to be annoyed. I'd call her directly - or have someone with authority over her - call her and ask her to please schedule their son's wedding either well before or well after yours. Four weeks before is rude. And it puts a huge burden on people coming to both weddings that have to travel long distances. It's just inconsiderate, IMO. As for comparing your wedding to his, that's an issue you have to take up with yourself. I personally wouldn't give a rat's behind what their wedding was like. It's *their* wedding and to be honest, it's not even their wedding, it's the mother's wedding (or it sounds like it), so who cares what it's like? Just do what you want to do for your wedding and enjoy it!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/21/2007 1:04:32 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''d call her directly - or have someone with authority over her - call her and ask her to please schedule their son''s wedding either well before or well after yours.

HUH?

The guy is 28. An adult. How is the groom''s mother responsible for WHEN the wedding is??

If you want to talk to anyone about it it should be the groom ...

HOWEVER, that''s pretty touchy territory. How long has your wedding been planned? Can you just move YOURS up?

(BUT I totally see why you''d be annoyed!)

 

[princesss]

Ok, 2 things.

surfgirl, I don''t think she was implying that this woman is a witch because she''s Jewish. I think she was using a bad stereotype perpetuated by TV and implying that the (unfair) characterization of that stereotype comes to life in her aunt. Yes, the stereotype is unfair and more often than not untrue. But I think she was trying to come up with a way for us to understand what this woman is like. Yes, it''s offensive. But I don''t think she was deriding this particular person for being Jewish.

Pandora, is there any reason you have to invite your aunt to your wedding? If she''s going to stress you out, don''t let her come! The whole family will see each other 4 weeks before your wedding, anyways...now''s the chance to cut down on the relatives you don''t actually like.

 

[robbie3982]

I feel your pain! I get along great with my aunt, but her daughter and I...not so much. FI and I scheduled our 9/8 wedding last september when my cousin wasn''t even engaged. Months later she got engaged and scheduled hers for 8/4. We have so many out of town relatives who now feel like they have to choose between the two weddings. Not to mention that her wedding is the weekend after another cousin of ours.

Before she planned her date I specifically asked her to leave AT LEAST a month between ours to make it easier for our guests who would have to travel to both. I thought she''d leave a little more than a month though...whatever.

I was really worried about the comparisons at first, but eventually I realized (with the help of lots of PSers and FI) that it doesn''t matter if my cousin''s wedding is more expensive. Most people won''t even remember the details of her wedding by the time they come to mine a month later.

Everyone will see that your aunt is being a witch and no one will pay attention to her.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 6/21/2007 1:10:04 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/21/2007 1:04:32 PM

Author: surfgirl

I'd call her directly - or have someone with authority over her - call her and ask her to please schedule their son's wedding either well before or well after yours.

HUH?


The guy is 28. An adult. How is the groom's mother responsible for WHEN the wedding is??


If you want to talk to anyone about it it should be the groom ...


HOWEVER, that's pretty touchy territory. How long has your wedding been planned? Can you just move YOURS up?

(BUT I totally see why you'd be annoyed!)

I said that because it sounded like the mother was in charge.

 

[Jas12]

I don''t think you''re bratty--you are annoyed for good reason---there may not be anything u can do about it, other than try your hardest not to compare or worry too much about being compared.
Easier said than done i know! I think a lot of people go through this and it can eat you up or you can focus on just enjoying ''your'' day

P.S. if your aunt is as nasty as you describe, you are not the only one who feels this way about her and I wouldn''t be surprised if your guests will have a much better time at your wedding b/c they will be sincerely happy for you! No, you may not have the showiness that comes along with a big budget, but believe me, people can see right through that (real sentiments come through even the most lavish events--i''ve seen it for myself)--hold your head up and be happy for yourself!

 

[JenStone]

Date: 6/21/2007 12:49:19 PM
Author:Pandora II
I''m afraid I''m venting here, because I''m not sure my family or FI will understand...


My aunt is the most appalling vindictive woman I know - imagine the worst kind of tv sitcom jewish momma. She has spent my whole live hoping that I would turn into a dropout junkie with 3 kids, and constantly compares me and my brother and sisters with her 4 kids. They are also staggeringly rich.


Her eldest son (currently an unemployed doctor) who is 28 got engaged to his girlfriend of 2 years a couple of weeks ago. My mother has just rung me to tell me they have set their wedding date for 4 weeks before mine.


I am so irritated. She will now spend my entire wedding day comparing with her son''s. I have had a huge mental problem with her for years and thought I was coming to not care anymore and now its right back again. I don''t even know why it bothers me so much.


I have a huge family and we normally only all meet up every 3 or 4 years, so I felt my wedding was going to be a certain sort of way. Now they''ll all just be - oh god another wedding...


I really didn''t want to compete and now I know I will spend the whole time worrying if mine will live up to his. My grandmother is always going on about how wonderful everything my aunt does is - she will throw huge amounts of ££££ at this event.


I sound really pathetic I know.


Sorry!


ETA: Oh dear now I''ve just read Jenstone''s thread and feel even more stupid...

Pandora - this is a different situation! I understand what you are going through, and I sympathize.

If it makes you feel any better, I want you to know that I''ve been to tons of weddings the past couple of years and the last thing I do is compare them. For example, I recently attended a $40k wedding and a $5k wedding almost back to back. Never in my mind did I compare the two - I was just there to celebrate the couple and if anything, I was only concerned about having fun! Your guests are there to celebrate YOUR wedding, and if your aunt says anything, she''s only making an a$$ out of herself (and the other guests will see this).

 

[neatfreak]

I will be the dissenter here because I DO think you''re overreacting just a bit. If all the relatives are in town, I would just let sleeping dogs lie and be the bigger person here. The reality is that your aunt sounds like she will compare no matter WHAT. So I wouldn''t assume that just because there is only a month different there will be more comparison, ya know?

The only issue I would have is if there are a number of OOT guests who will be burdened by two weddings in the same month. If that''s the case, I would call the GROOM (because it''s his issue, not his mothers) and kindly explain the situation to him. Maybe if he hears it that way he''ll understand the dilemma and work with you on it.

Regardless, best of luck!!!

 

[musey]

Date: 6/21/2007 1:34:13 PM
Author: neatfreak
I will be the dissenter here...

...best of luck!!!

I agree w/ neatfreak''s entire post. I didn''t want to be repetitive though

 

[TravelingGal]

What a PITA.

But neatfreak is right...your aunt sounds like the kind of person who is going to compare regardless...even if her son weren''t to have a wedding before yours, she''d probably say his wedding WOULD be like this, or wouldn''t never be like that, etc etc.

Concentrate on you, your hubby to be and your love. That''s the best advice I can give you.

 

[Love in Bloom]

I kind of know how it feels Pandora. Someone who I considered my best friend since 2nd grade and all throughout highschool decided to have her wedding exactly 4 weeks before mine. She just really wanted to get married before Fi and I did; she was jealous my fi proposed to me before her bf even thought about a ring and they had been dating for 8 or 9 years. I''m a little miffed at her, but I look at it as I got my pick of all the dates, which also happens to be the anniversary of Fi and my first kiss. I wouldn''t want to have my wedding on any other day. She is trying to turn our weddings into a competition, making her budget far larger than ours. Unfortunately for her, she has to pay for most of her wedding on her own and she has never lived away from home yet, so I feel she doesn''t really have a grasp on the concept of money yet

. She keeps comparing everything we have and how much more expensive her wedding stuff is...but I don''t play into her little competition. I had originally asked her to be my MOH, but I''ve changed my mind because she will have so much to do for her own wedding. I''m going to have my dad do it instead, heheeh, He is my Man of Honor. I haven''t heard of anyone doing that, but I march to the beat of my own percussion.

I know it will be difficult, but try not to let the fact that her son''s wedding is so close to yours get to you too much. You don''t have to involve her in your planning, do you?? Or even let her in on what you are doing? I suggest you just do your own thing, and let your own style shine at your wedding. That should be lovely not matter what the cost! If the satisfaction of her son''s wedding is what she wants, I feel sorry for her son, esp her daughter in law. It is their day, not hers.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t think you''re being bratty-that''s a pretty rotten thing to do. If it were me and it was possible, I would change my date to a few months before or a few months after and tell everyone the reason why in a totally nonchalant, calm manner:

"Yeah, since Aunt Bitchy scheduled Cousin Unemployed''s wedding 4 weeks before mine I had to change my date because I wanted to make sure everyone could come to both without being so inconvenienced."

I mean, it''s the truth and you do want everyone to come!

 

[Pandora II]

Thanks guys!

First of all, apologies to surfgirl if I offended you in anyway. My aunt actually isn''t Jewish at all - although my FI is. She is however very like the sitcom stereotype, which I agree is not a particularly complimentary one, but was the easiest way to convey how this woman is without going into every detail.

We set the date for our wedding the first week of January this year and there is no possible way of moving the date as my venue only has 6 weekend available a year and all deposits are paid etc.

Every single one of our guests is OOT - most about 4-5 hours drive away and we are talking about 53 first degree relatives on my side alone, many of whom are not well off.

Until I met FI I always swore I would elope so that I don''t have to have her or my grandmother (Hyacinth Bouquet the second if you have the programme in the US) there. I even had the conversation with my mother about it when we got engaged. My parents insist she has to come - and that she will behave badly, but she looks the fool.

It''s silly things that will get me - like my two young cousins are my bridesmaids, as they are also his I''m pretty sure they will be asked to be bridesmaids too. I can guarantee that my aunt will ring me up to say I should have them wear the same dresses to mine so that I can save some money (despite my not needing any financial help at all - she will do it score a put down).

My grandmother has already rung my mother to say she should ask my aunt to organise my wedding as she is so good at that sort of thing (the last wedding she organised was in 1982)!! My mother pointed out that my job is organising large events and we didn''t need any help thanks. Grandmother rang off making disapproving noises.

Cousin is totally under mothers thumb. When my mother told her sister FI and I had got engaged at Christmas, her first words were "Oh, well we''ll be having a wedding too. Cousin is getting engaged any day now." Her other kids turned round and said what a load of rubbish, he has no intention of getting engaged as he doesn''t even have a job right now. My spies tell me that she has been piling the pressure on and lent him the money to buy a ring.

To be honest, it is my problem and I have to learn to deal with it and rise above it all, but she has always known what buttons to press with me. I think it''s knowing that she will do things like turn up to my wedding with all her son''s wedding albums "so all the family can see the pictures", in the hopes that I will throw a scene and look a fool.

She has form on this kind of behaviour. Like when we were kids, me and my siblings would spend our pocket money on christmas presents for my grandmother - and so they would be appropriate for kids with normal pocket money. Then her kids would give my grandmother diamond earrings or designer scent. My grandmother never seemed to see that we had bought things with "our" money rather than my parents buying them for us, and always made a huge thing about what they had bought her - like we were cheapskates.

God, I so hate some of my family. They still make my mother cry every time she sees them.

I have got to not let it eat me up the way it did for so many years. I''m not at all worried that other relatives will compare at all (I''m sure they won''t), I just know she will and will spend the whole day dropping spiteful poison with a sugary smile.

Anyway, thanks guys you make me feel so much better.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Annoying!


However, I will say that more $$$$ does not equal a better wedding even in starkly qualitative terms. FI and I are going to a loaded Jewish family''s wedding (cousin of his, 50k barmitzvah) in a few months and have a bet that their food will still be worse than ours!

Parties are much more about everyone''s attitude than how expensive the flowers or the dress are. Good food, fun music, and happy people are the most important.

 

[dmamsquared]

I second rainbow trout''s comments. Tune the Beeotch out. Concentrate on your celebration.

 

[diamondfan]

Do not fret if you can help it, it gives her satisfaction to orchestrate and boss others so act nonchalant and it should make things a bit better.

Both your days will pass, and you will be happily married. No matter how much she spends it will not make her son''s wedding nicer or better. It likely will have no heart and be a spectacle for her own benefit, and most people see past that.

And, at the end of the day, the one I feel most sorry for is her daughter in law to be! Look what she is getting, a husband led around by mommy and a mother in law who is likely to make Godzilla look like a Gekko!!!

 

[door knob solitaire]

"She has form on this kind of behaviour. Like when we were kids, me and my siblings would spend our pocket money on christmas presents for my grandmother - and so they would be appropriate for kids with normal pocket money. Then her kids would give my grandmother diamond earrings or designer scent. My grandmother never seemed to see that we had bought things with 'our' money rather than my parents buying them for us, and always made a huge thing about what they had bought her - like we were cheapskates."

You know sweetie, you can pick your nose...and you can pick your friends nose...but you can't pick your relatives !!! (eegads...sorry...thought you needed a giggle). This behavior is appalling. It appears the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The mother gozilla and the mother queen bee.

My husband always consoles me by reminding me ....
"You knew she was a snake before you picked her up..."
"Don't throw your pearls before swine"...

Nothing you can do or say is going to finally redeem yourself in either of their eyes...Their eyes are so full of muck they cannot find value to anyone other than their choosen few. My hat is off to your parents for not caving in over those many years. Frankly it was the integrity they displayed and taught you that is stuck in these womens gizzards. They are poking at you hoping you will spend yours (integrity). They don't have any character... they want YOURS!!!

It is that integrity that will get you through this snaffu with flying colors. My money is on the other bride and her mother going bullistic and cancelling the wedding. Not sure if Junior is such a good catch anyway. I know you want to be heard...but with that mother...your discomfort or inconvenience is not going to amount to a hill of beans. Even if cousin agrees with you...Mother will see she gets her way. You can't win here...babe. Really. But you can come out the Victor. Head held high. Just put on your wading boots so you won't get stuck with them in the muck. I agree with the other poster that reminds you that those who matter....will see through this.

Spend your time enjoying your engagement...don't let them continue to be a thorn in your side. Stop their ability to take hold over you....THEY ARE NOT WORTH ONE MINUTE OF YOUR TIME.

DKS

 

[Jas12]

The fact that you recognize what she is doing to you means that you can rise above it. You know what CAN happen so plan out your non-reaction. Even if you are bubbling with rage inside when she pulls some stunt at your wedding keep smiling and eventually she''ll give up or move on to pollute someone eles''s life.

 

[surfgirl]

Pandora, no worries about the comment. I know you didn''t mean it that way but by saying it at all, it perpetuates such comments, which was my point is saying something in the first place. For example, why is it necessary to qualify someone else''s wedding as "a loaded Jewish family''s wedding"? These types of comments are really, truly offensive. Why can''t one just say "a very wealthy family''s wedding"? When you bring in religion or race or culture it starts to go to a place where people can easily be hurt, offended or whatever, and it''s not necessary. Please, can we simply describe something without the stereotypical insults? Thank you.

As for your situation Pandora, honestly, I dont see why you need to even invite these horrid people to your wedding. You should be surrounded only be those who truly love and support you on your wedding day. Offensive relatives be damned! Oh, and what is a Hyacinth Bouquet? I dont get that refence at all...

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/22/2007 1:16:28 PM
Author: surfgirl
Oh, and what is a Hyacinth Bouquet? I dont get that refence at all...

There is a sitcome in the UK called "Keeping Up Appearances" about a woman called Hyacinth Bucket (only she pronounces it Bouquet). She comes from a very lowly background but aspires to grandeur - so she bans her family from visitingin case someone sees them, spends all her time holding candlelight dinners, berating her poor husband and pretending she is royalty. Sadly she gets so many things wrong it''s quite obvious that she isn''t quite from the class she pretends to be.

It''s actually very funny and is hugely popular over here - my grandmother is Hyacinth reincarnated. She comes from the east end of London, but tries to act as if she has a silver spoon down her throat, that would be okay except she wastes no time in critiscising others - ie how down-market she considered my sisters house (very nice 4 bedroom Victorian terrace) when she has no idea of house prices or what things cost anymore, and it is considerably grander than anything she lived in at the same age.

Sadly I have no option on them attending - as my mother says they will have won then. I have talked to FI about it all and he was much more understanding than I ever could have expected and we are not going to let them spoil our day. As someone else said, the real loser is the poor girl who is marrying my cousin!

Thanks everyone for giving me the chance to vent - I think it really helped to put it all down "on paper" and see how deeply sad these two womens lives must be that they have nothing better to do than play these games.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Date: 6/22/2007 6:02:25 PM
Author: Pandora II


Sadly I have no option on them attending - as my mother says they will have won then. I have talked to FI about it all and he was much more understanding than I ever could have expected and we are not going to let them spoil our day. As someone else said, the real loser is the poor girl who is marrying my cousin!

You do have a say on where they sit at the reception

. Right next to some speakers so they can''t hear themselves enough to compare or contrast weddings? So far away from you that you really have to make an effort to see they are there?

 

[surfgirl]

Well, at least seat them in "siberia"...preferably somewhere near the toilets...

or next to a stereo speaker. Or at someone else''s wedding...