Breach of invite etiquette?

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ugh I don''t know if this is a breach of etiquette or not, but I am a little annoyed (fortunately I don''t really care enough to be really annoyed). So this girl L and I have been friends since high school. Unlike the majority of high school friends, she and I kept in touch and still remained friends through the first couple years of college. She even came and visited me for a weekend, we talked on the phone, etc. Her family however moved away from our high school town when we were in our 2nd year of college, so I haven''t seen her since (since we all usually see each other during school breaks, etc.). Anyway, so she moved away (we think it was due to some family issues - her father was dishonorably discharged from the military, etc.) and we (the other two girls in our group of friends) basically never heard from her again.

So about 1.5 years ago, she starts dating this guy - for once, a really great guy (and in fact, another friend from high school). Unlike her other bfs, he''s extremely smart, nice, and has a good head on his shoulders...and about a year ago, they got engaged. So we (the other two girls, K and J, and I - btw, the three of us all keep in touch, and I was just MOH in K''s wedding) found out on facebook. Now J and I have always been super close, and K and L were really close, but seriously, we all tried so hard to get in touch with her. Over the space of two weeks after I found out, I called her, sent her texts, sent her messages on FB, e-mailed her....never got a response. Ever. Same story with J. I think K got a text back. Since then, I barely heard from her. Strangely enough, I got a Merry Xmas text from L last Christmas, and we chatted via text for a bit, and then a few months later I got a message on FB asking for my address (this was about 4 months ago).

So her wedding is at the end of this month. I just got an invite. Uhhh and really didn''t realize that I was getting one, since she never picked up my calls, etc. (not like I was going to book airfare based on her asking me my address). By the way, I''m out of town, and I''m a student.

Also, her wedding is massively huge (about 400-500 people) and I just got an invite...posted end of May. I was wondering if this might be a second or third round of invites.

And what actually does tick me off, and made me title my thread the way I did, is I got invited to this huge wedding, to which no other friends other than J and K (probably) were invited (who won''t be going btw, since they can afford this even less than I can), with no guest. Now I understand if 1) the guest knows other people; or 2) there are budget restrictions; or 3) guest is not serious with SO, but I don''t think any of that applies here (by the way, BF and I have been dating longer than L and her fiance have been together.....).

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I was just annoyed and would rather not have gotten an invite at all.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/16/2009 9:45:23 AM
Author:Brown.Eyed.Girl

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I was just annoyed and would rather not have gotten an invite at all.

Then just send your regret and move past. Nothing to get irritated over, IMO.

 

[SapphireLover]

Don''t go. Send a card not a gift. If she can''t be bothered to speak to you and you are 100% you are 2nd even 3rd round of invites, then she don''t get a pressie in my opinion.

Also 400-500 people? Is she the Queen? I''ve heard of 250 people weddings, but 500!!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Well, you can''t just show up with your BF if the courtesy wasn''t extended that you can bring a date, so I would just send in my "regret" and a little note saying that although you''d love to come, you''re not big on traveling alone--but you do hope that she has a wonderful, perfect wedding. It''s a nice way of saying "I noticed you excluded my SO."

This is why, case in point, always extending the option of a guest is so important. In "theory" we''d all manage attending an event alone where we didn''t know anyone....but, it''s uncomfortable and way less fun--almost to point that, as a guest, you''re like "why bother"? Of course budget restrictions come into play...but a wedding is only as good as the time your guests are having....

 

[Izzy03]

It sounds to me like she really did nothing wrong.

Perhaps to keep things fair she only allowed people who were engaged to bring dates. This was the case for my wedding. She also could have assumed that you and your friends would attend the wedding together.

Who knows, maybe her in-laws invited 300 of the guests?

Whether your BF was invited or not, you said you would not attend so send your regrets and be done with it.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:04:39 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/16/2009 9:45:23 AM


Then just send your regret and move past. Nothing to get irritated over, IMO.

Ditto.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:32:31 AM
Author: Izzy03
It sounds to me like she really did nothing wrong.

To me, it sounds like what wasn''t nice is her lack of responsiveness when you tried to congratulate her on her engagement. With this invite, she hasn''t really committed any major faux-pas. But, don''t go, and send a card, but not a gift. Done deal.

 

[princessplease]

I understand that you''re upset at her lack of response to you when you tried to contact her. I would be too. Personally, I wouldn''t go because it really is short notice. I''d send something to her and future hubby. I especially wouldn''t go if you feel you weren''t on the A list of guests. I would feel, for lack of a better word, shafted.

Actually FI''s sisters wedding was 502 people. Her husband is Indian, and they invite everyone in the extended family to get-togethers. That''s a cultural difference, though, and if her FI is not of a different culture that invites everyone to weddings, than whoa to 500 people!!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:04:39 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/16/2009 9:45:23 AM
Author:Brown.Eyed.Girl

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I was just annoyed and would rather not have gotten an invite at all.

Then just send your regret and move past. Nothing to get irritated over, IMO.

Ditto!

 

[Yimmers]

Date: 6/16/2009 1:58:28 PM
Author: mscushion

Date: 6/16/2009 10:32:31 AM

Author: Izzy03

It sounds to me like she really did nothing wrong.

To me, it sounds like what wasn''t nice is her lack of responsiveness when you tried to congratulate her on her engagement. With this invite, she hasn''t really committed any major faux-pas. But, don''t go, and send a card, but not a gift. Done deal.

Ditto; you have no obligation to a person who hasn''t really remained a friend to you.

As for the size of the wedding - some Asian cultures traditionally have big weddings. If that''s not your style, be glad you aren''t marrying one who has to have one!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Oh sorry, I didn't realize that I forgot to say, I wasn't planning on going. if she had actually given me enough notice (i.e. more than a month) to book a flight, clear out the weekend, etc. I might have, but as it is, I don't plan on going (plus it's at the end of the month - I have tons of work to do, plus a HUGE paper due on July 1 that hasn't been started yet). if I felt that I was actually in the first round, and was a sincere invite, I would have gone even without BF since he wasn't invited (and if my friends J and K were going). But I don't deal well with short notice on things like this (that involve flights, etc.).

I've already sent in the RSVP declining (got the invite yesterday).

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 6/16/2009 2:18:58 PM
Author: Yimmers

Date: 6/16/2009 1:58:28 PM
Author: mscushion

Date: 6/16/2009 10:32:31 AM

Author: Izzy03

It sounds to me like she really did nothing wrong.

To me, it sounds like what wasn''t nice is her lack of responsiveness when you tried to congratulate her on her engagement. With this invite, she hasn''t really committed any major faux-pas. But, don''t go, and send a card, but not a gift. Done deal.

Ditto; you have no obligation to a person who hasn''t really remained a friend to you.

As for the size of the wedding - some Asian cultures traditionally have big weddings. If that''s not your style, be glad you aren''t marrying one who has to have one!

True, though she''s not Asian

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:17:26 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Well, you can''t just show up with your BF if the courtesy wasn''t extended that you can bring a date, so I would just send in my ''regret'' and a little note saying that although you''d love to come, you''re not big on traveling alone--but you do hope that she has a wonderful, perfect wedding. It''s a nice way of saying ''I noticed you excluded my SO.''

This is why, case in point, always extending the option of a guest is so important. In ''theory'' we''d all manage attending an event alone where we didn''t know anyone....but, it''s uncomfortable and way less fun--almost to point that, as a guest, you''re like ''why bother''? Of course budget restrictions come into play...but a wedding is only as good as the time your guests are having....

You''re right though - I''ll send her a card with a nice message.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 6/16/2009 2:11:39 PM
Author: princessplease
I understand that you''re upset at her lack of response to you when you tried to contact her. I would be too. Personally, I wouldn''t go because it really is short notice. I''d send something to her and future hubby. I especially wouldn''t go if you feel you weren''t on the A list of guests. I would feel, for lack of a better word, shafted.

Actually FI''s sisters wedding was 502 people. Her husband is Indian, and they invite everyone in the extended family to get-togethers. That''s a cultural difference, though, and if her FI is not of a different culture that invites everyone to weddings, than whoa to 500 people!!

Yeah, the short notice makes it very problematic. For my friend K''s wedding, I knew months and months in advance when it would be (of course, I was also MOH so that was definitely good!), and since hers was far, I had everything (school, flights, etc.) taken care of well in advance.