bridal party mess up 2 parts

[tremi]

I am having a fairly small wedding I was only planning on 3 attendants
the MOH let''s call her "J" I had in place had to be fired for bad behavior. But I offered her another position high on the totem pole she had a huge hissy fit and droped out of the wedding all together. and refuses to talk to me.
but she has an alliance with another bridesmaid girl Let''s Call her "K" I had picked because to be hoonest it was more for "J''S" benifit then mine. ( i know it was stupid. ) ..please do rag on me ....

I don''t know what her position is on being in the wedding anymore she hasn''t made any contact when I have tried to call her to ask about the paticulars

one of the girls in place is my finacees sister.
the other girl is a high school friend
now I just found out my cousin can come to my wedding and I would love for her to be my MOH. I haven''t asked her yet.
if i do then I would have 4 girls
I need 3 i don''t want to offend or hurt anyone by asking them to step aside so my cousin can particapate.

what can I do without hurting feelings
the two people who I would consider stepping aside would be my finacees sister or the other bridesmaid. "k"

what and how can I do it.
I only need one girl to step aside.


Also "K" isn''t that close of a friend( please do not rag on me for this I was sorta put in a situation by the original MOH
"K" has never done anything negative towards me she just has a strong alliance with the original MOH I Just do not want to hurt "K"
it would make for an un even bridal party we are having a destination wedding
"K" works offshore in the oil industry so i really can''t call her while she is offshore
___________________________________________________________________________________________________


This is a letter i just wrote to "K"
I need to know where you stand on being in the wedding as a bridesmaid.

I tried to call you the other day but then I was informed you were offshore. In light of the situation with MOH I understand that you are a better friend of hers than you are with me . "I know this is awkward, but are you still interested in being in the wedding?, even though MOH isn''t?"

There will be no hard feelings if you choose to back out. "I don''t want to put you in the middle of anything. Or damage your relationship with EX MOH I also understand you may feel uncomfortable if EX MOH "J"chooses not to attend the wedding even tho she chooses not to participate in the new position i had for her I am un certain that at this time she will be attending even as a guest.

At this time the bridal party is going to be our direct family members mikes sister and two of my cousins I don’t know how comfortable you would feel in that situation with all our relatives and not your closet Friend the ex MOH"J"

I want this to be a happy occasion. I have a million other things on my plate other then the wedding at the moment and I just need to get this sorted out and at this time I am doing everything alone at this time until I have the final line up.

I also understand that it may be hard to reply to this letter because you may have indifferent feelings towards me at this time because your true friendship lays with ex MOH "J"
If you choose not to respond to this email by Friday
I will understand you are no longer interested. And there is no need to for you to try and come up with an awkward explanation as to why you do not wish to participate.

( i am not sure that you want to particapate as you have not made any attempts to communicate with me since "J" became upset)

You are still invited either way to participate or attend the wedding . But I need to know if you are intending to participate ,if not just do not reply to the email.


this is a copy of the email i sent to her. what do you think of this this letter was sent to "K" do you think this was sufficiant and polite?

I asked this question in part in another forum hence the reason it went into letter form to "K" i am just not wanting to hurt anyone. but I also do not want to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day.. and that is a chance it could happen with "K" in attendance.

What else would you do if you were in my situation.

 

[basil]

Oh my, so much drama. You reap what you sow - come on, you started this mess when you "fired" J for "bad behavior" (???). It seems like what''s done is done, so I don''t know what the point of asking people for their opinion now because you''ve already sent the letter.

But really, you''re asking how you can unask someone to be a bridesmaid because you like your cousin better and you''d rather have her, and you''re more concerned with symmetry than K''s feelings? The answer is, you really can''t. But, you went ahead and did anyway, so what''s the use of asking us now?

But since you are asking, I think that the way you worded your letter is horrible. "If you don''t reply by such and such" is just asking for more and more drama, and turning things into a confrontation.

 

[partyjewels]

Ditto to everything Basil said.

Also, in your explanation you said one of your bridesmaids is a friend from high school, yet in your letter to "K" you said the bridal party is going to be your direct family. Aren't you going to feel uncomfortable if she still chooses to attend your wedding, or even still participate in it (though I can't imagine she would do either after your poorly worded letter. In my opinion, it really showed that you really do not want her there at all, much less in the wedding party) when she sees that you in fact lied about the bridal party being your direct family? Or am I missing something?

 

[misysu2]

DItto #3. However, there''s nothing wrong with having an asymmetrical, uneven bridal party. No need to ask someone to step down.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/18/2007 3:06:50 PM
Author: basil
Oh my, so much drama. You reap what you sow - come on, you started this mess when you 'fired' J for 'bad behavior' (???). It seems like what's done is done, so I don't know what the point of asking people for their opinion now because you've already sent the letter.

But really, you're asking how you can unask someone to be a bridesmaid because you like your cousin better and you'd rather have her, and you're more concerned with symmetry than K's feelings? The answer is, you really can't. But, you went ahead and did anyway, so what's the use of asking us now?

But since you are asking, I think that the way you worded your letter is horrible. 'If you don't reply by such and such' is just asking for more and more drama, and turning things into a confrontation.

Ditto.

Bridesmaids are not PAID employees. They are friends and family members who, out of their joy for you, are doing you a FAVOR.

Yes YOU.

You aren't doing THEM a favor.

Your actions and your letter not only show a lack of gratitude, but a lack of respect.

You reap what you sow.

 

[blondie23]

I can''t even respond to this post I thought it was so rude!

Gypsy! Well said!!!!!!

 

[mirre]

I found it very hard to read your letter to "K" and honestly would not participate after that. I was just in a wedding and the bride had a bridesmaid that didn''t attend ANY of her bridal showers and at the last one we discussed the possibility of her not showing for the actual wedding. 4 maids 4 groomsmen if the one didn''t show we decided the best alternative would have been to have MOH walk with two groomsmen (would have been her dad and husband), having an uneven bridal party is no big deal, I would think having an unhappy one is bigger.

BTW all bridesmaids and groomsmen showed for the wedding and it was wonderful!

 

[Cleopatra]

Personally, I can''t quite understand how you asked these two girls, "J" and "K" to be in your wedding when they were so "dispensable" to you.

My bridesmaids are my 2 best friends - through thick and thin - none of us would ever abandon the other no matter what the situation. It seems to me that your relationship with these two girls was never that strong to begin with, and I just don''t understand why they were "asked" in the 1st place.

I''m in agreement with Gypsy on this one.

 

[littlelysser]

Wow. and Ditto.

To be honest, it sounds more like you are trying to make it to the final three in survivor or the apprentice than gather your wedding party...

All this talk of alliances and firing your MOH for bad behavior and demoting her down the totem pole? Just wow. And lying in your letter to "k."

In response to your question about getting rid of one of them, well, IMHO you cannot do it and maintain the friendships and act with tact and class. To be frank, the letter you sent to K could not be construed as anything other than a slap in the face and your basically telling her (and lying to her) that you don''t want her as a bridesmaid.

Ahhh, good luck with all of this.

 

[ladyciel]

Wow. I can''t even begin to comment on the majority if this mess without knowing the players or the full extend of their actions (yours included), but what I CAN say is that if I received an email suggesting that a lack of a reply would be assumed to mean a negative answer, I would be FURIOUS. What if she never received the email? What if being offshore limits her email access? What if by the time she does get it, Friday has passed, but she frantically responds? Will you use the excuse "oh, well I figured since I didn''t hear from you that you didnt'' want to be in the wedding, and I''ve asked my cousin to take your place. I''m sooooo sorry (ok, not really, but don''t you like that little loophole I built in for myself???

)"

Sadly, you have probably already solved your problem of too many bridesmaids along with that pesky issue of too many friends. Please, if you have ANY interest in keeping this lady as a friend, send her an apology. Being stuck between two arguing friends is NEVER an easy position to be in. You''ve preemptively attacked her, pushing her away before there was ever a chance of her pushing away first. In doing so, you''ve also made it basically impossible for her to try and remain a neutral party (which is what it sounds like she may have been doing, trying to keep her distance until the sparks settled). Forcing her to take a side now or never was a childish reaction, and one I know I would not react to very well. Good luck.

 

[musey]

I am at a loss for words.

 

[Pandora II]

Whatever the background of the situation, I think you made a big mistake in asking her not to reply if she didn''t want to be in - that way you will never know if she got the email or her reply got to you.

I think it''s a bad way to treat someone you thought enough of to want as a BM in the first place - I would have either tried to call her offshore no matter what the cost, or waited till she got back. What is the big rush?

Finally - why do you need equal numbers? You should have your true friends there whether that is one or ten - not just people to make the photos all matchy matchy.

Other than sleeping with your FI, I can''t really think what behaviour can be that bad to demote the MOH. Being a bridesmaid is meant to be fun - they''re not a brideslave.

 

[zoebartlett]

Okay, I have to go line by line because I had a really hard time getting through this. Did you use grammar check by any chance before you sent this?

1. I'm curious to find out what the bad behavior was that was displayed by the bridesmaid you want to fire.

2. "alliances" -- who cares? Is she your friend or not? If not, why on earth did you even ask her to be in your wedding?

3. You've already asked certain girls to be in your wedding. You REALLY can't ask them to step aside so your cousin can take one of their places, ESPEACIALLY since one of them is your FI's sister. That's a huge no-no...she'll be family soon. Really.

4. Was your letter to K sufficient? Maybe that depends on your motive. Was it sufficient to end a friendship? Yes, definitely. Was your letter polite. No.

You already sent the letter so what's done is done. I still don't really follow the drama between you and K.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/18/2007 6:13:43 PM
Author: zoebartlett
Okay, I have to go line by line because I had a really hard time getting through this. Did you use grammar check by any chance before you sent this?

1. I'm curious to find out what the bad behavior was that was displayed by the bridesmaid you want to fire.

2. 'alliances' -- who cares? Is she your friend or not? If not, why on earth did you even ask her to be in your wedding?

3. You've already asked certain girls to be in your wedding. You REALLY can't ask them to step aside so your cousin can take one of their places, ESPEACIALLY since one of them is your FI's sister. That's a huge no-no...she'll be family soon. Really.

4. Was your letter to K sufficient? Maybe that depends on your motive. Was it sufficient to end a friendship? Yes, definitely. Was your letter polite. No.

You already sent the letter so what's done is done. I still don't really follow the drama between you and K.

Had to check in to see the other posts. I'm nosey.

Zoe. She's posted two other threads on this. One about the 'fired' bridesmaid. Mainly it was a lot of drama ... the OP barely knows both J and K. J got pregnant (the circumstances are discussed in TMI detail). Op was looking for excuses to kick her off anyway, so she did.

Second post was complaining that her BM's weren't her slaves and doing a bunch of things for her in exchange for her bestowing the GIFT of being an attendant on them.

No drama with K. K was J's friend. That's all.


Very sad really.

I keep hoping the OP is a troll.

If she's not, I think she needs to grow up before getting married, frankly. And maybe take a couple of spelling and grammer courses.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 12/18/2007 6:21:31 PM
Author: Gypsy
And maybe take a couple of spelling and grammer courses.

You said it, not me.

(but I totally thought it)

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Gypsy. I just went back and read the "maid of honor" thread and I had sort of commented on it. Tremi, you do realize that this is an open forum, right? Free for all the world to see? So many details (about someone else''s private life) described in detail (more so in the other thread but still...).

 

[tibi]

OP-I suggest you put this kind of thing on the knot....they enjoy this ind of thing over there!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/18/2007 6:21:31 PM
Author: Gypsy

I think she needs to grow up before getting married, frankly. And maybe take a couple of spelling and grammer courses.

Gypsy, in an ironic twist, I''m sure you meant "grammar".

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/21/2007 1:50:07 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 12/18/2007 6:21:31 PM
Author: Gypsy

I think she needs to grow up before getting married, frankly. And maybe take a couple of spelling and grammer courses.

Gypsy, in an ironic twist, I''m sure you meant ''grammar''.

ROFLMAO. Glass houses and those darn stones.

 

[upgrading mama]

Sounds like a ver complicated mess.

I would definately NOT ''unask'' your future sister in law. No matter how close/not close your fiance and his sister are, you would be sending a very selfish message to his family.

I don''t think you can ''unask'' someone to be in a wedding, but rather either live with uneven numbers, by adding your cousin, or hoping this ''friend'' drops out. Good luck!

 

[Courtneylub]

Yowsa! Makes me even MORE relieved that I''ve decided not to have bridesmaids! Not to be rude, but after reading your other thread...this is just the most trivial stuff I''ve ever read. I feel like I''m back in Jr. High!

 

[tberube]

Now see..this is why I''m not having any bridesmaids.