Bridal Party Woes--Please Help!

[Haven]

Hello, ladies. FI and I have only been engaged for one week, yet the bridal party woes have begun. I am searching for advice on two specific issues:

1) The Future SIL. FI has a 43-year-old SIL, she and FI's brother have been married for over ten years, and they have two children. FI's brother will be his best man, and the children will be our flower girl and ring bearer. I am not close with FI's SIL, we are 16 years apart in age, and in completely different stages of life, after all. However, we get along very well, and we've had a few lunch dates together (independent of our men) over the last three and a half years.

Should I ask her to be a bridesmaid? I can't imagine she would want to be a bridesmaid, but I don't know her well enough to tell, and asking the SIL seems to be an expectation if the bride is having a bridal party.

2) The Friend Who Shocked Me By Asking Me to Stand Up In Her Wedding. I stood up in this friend's wedding last October, and we are friends but certainly not close friends. She had three bridesmaids total, including her MOH, so I was shocked that she asked me to be one of them. It was a bit rough at times to be a part of her bridal party since I felt we weren't quite close enough to warrant this relationship, but it was fine. (I think this friend would count as a "backsie", right Musey? Love that word!)

Should I ask her to be a bridesmaid? I know she is expecting the invitation, but it feels so forced and unnatural. However, I don't want to potentially ruin our friendship by not asking her and thus hurting her feelings.

I know how ridiculous these issues sound, as anyone who has stood up in a wedding yet wasn't very close to the bride will know that it is NOT exactly fun to be in this position (at least that is my experience.) However, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I certainly don't want to alienate either of these lovely ladies.

Here's a bit of background info: Excluding these two cases, I will be asking five ladies to be in my bridal party--my three younger sisters (of course!), and my two closest friends (one from childhood, one from post-college years.) These five ladies all know each other very well, as my sisters and I are all extremely close and the two friends are practically a part of our family.

I realize there is no right or wrong here, but any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, here's my 2 cts for what it's worth. I can't believe a 43 yr old mom of two would actually want to be a bridesmaid, or expect to be one! I'm a 1/3 younger than her, and I already feel like I'm too old to be a BM. I wouldn't mind helping with friends' wedding stuff and would be happy to stand up with my best friend and my sister when their turns come, but the whole 'matchy dress' procession thing I feel like I'm too old for and could do without. Not to mention I bet she's super busy with the kids, and throwing bachelorette parties and stuff is probably last on her 'fun list'. I think it would be nice if you involved her in some way, say, asking her for advice about a few things. You could say 'Hey FSIL! if you have a few moments, I'd love if you could help me look at invitation options!' But I totally don't think she needs to be asked to be a BM. You could double check with your FI's brother about this. Having three sisters helps too because youre bridal party is already pretty full!

As for the 'backsie', if you have 3 sisters, I feel like you're off the hook with this girl. 5 is plenty! You can explain that you only had room for 2 friends as a result, and she's got to understand. After all, she had 3! Again, give her a token task and let it go.

That's what I would do, anyway! Well, that said, I somehow ended up with 7 in my 'fake bridal party' partly for that reason. But I'm not even INVITING the girl who weirdly asked me to be a BM a few years back.

 

[decodelighted]

When you have three sisters ... seriously, people will understand if they''re not asked. I say draw the line at the 5 you actually want & ask the semi-friend who you stood up for to do another job of honor ... guest book attendant? The Sister-In-Law? I am betting she will be relieved not to be asked!

FWIW ... I have three sisters ... two of whom I''d stood up for ... and two friends I''d stood up for .. and I opted for a SINGLE DUDE OF HONOR (one of my two brothers). People were fine! None of my friends was upset & my sisters were all "whatever - she''s kooky".

Don''t worry too much about upsetting people ... if people get all huffy etc : they''ll get over it.

 

[luckystar112]

I had the same problem with FI's SIL. It was one of those things where we aren't really that close, I don't know her too well, and we seems like we are in different areas in life. I knew 1) that she probably didn't want to be a bridesmaid, and 2) that she would know that I was asking her because it was the "right thing to do", and 3) that she would probably feel compelled to say yes anyway. So, we'd both lose.

I did end up asking, but asked her in a way that gave her an extremely easy out.
Totally off the cuff, but how about something like:

"It would mean so much to me if you were part of our day. I don't know how you feel about being a bridesmaid, but I would love to have you. Or you could do a reading--I found this wonderful passage about making a marriage last that would be perfect for you."

That's basically what I wrote. FSIL is pregnant though, so that made it easier. But I omitted the "totally get it if you don't want to cause you're pregnant" part to make it more relevant to your situation. lol. Anyway, she wrote back saying that she would rather do the reading. And I'm positive it was because I gave her the other option, and made the other option "perfect" for her. Get it? It's reverse psychology.

 

[Haven]

Thank you for the excellent advice, ladies. You supported all of the tiny inklings I had--especially the fact that I''m pretty sure my FSIL would be relieved to not be a bridesmaid. (I know I would in her situation.)

I never thought about the whole having three sisters gets me off the hook scenario--I love it! And I do have three sisters! And my "backsie" knows that my two good friends are like family, so that would be a very easy situation to explain if I didn''t include her.

Oh good, I feel so relieved. I also didn''t mention that this is going to be an extremely young BP--my sisters are 22, 21, and 18, and my good friends are 26 (for another month,

we have the same bday and 27 somehow sounds like a big jump to me) and 25. I have a feeling my FSIL would just feel silly with all of us girls.

Oh, and I am so NOT going to do the matching dresses--especially since three of them would be in the family, the whole PURPOSE of having sisters is so you only have to buy one of each dress! Three of the same would be a terrible waste of good dress money.

Thank you so much for your advice, I''m off to 21-year-old sister''s bday celebration, she came in from college for it and I''m going to ask her and the youngest to be my bridesmaids tonight. 22 year old is in Orlando doing the Disney internship, I think I''m going to send her one of those Will you be my MOH? cookies or something. She already knows she''s going to be my MOH, we figured out the whole rotation a while ago.

Thanks again, and any more input is very much appreciated!

 

[havernell]

I agree with what the other ladies have said regarding not needing to ask FSIL and the "backsies" friend.

In addition to all of the reasons already listed, I really think that once a woman has children, asking her children to be in the wedding are basically the same as asking her to be in it (in terms of it being and honor for the person). So, as long as your FSIL and FBIL''s kids are in the wedding, I doubt the FSIL will be upset at all.

As for the "backsies" friend, if she, as an ADULT, will end a friendship with you just because you don''t ask her to be a BM when she also knows that you two aren''t all that close, well then I think that''s her problem and not yours. Sorry if that''s harsh (this is a pet peeve of mine, can you tell?) but your BMs should be those people who you feel closest to, not those to whom you "owe" something

Good luck with it all!

 

[labbielove]

I think we all assume we are doing people a favor by asking them to be a bridesmaid.
Truth be told, you would be doing yourself a favor to only ask those who you really want, and NOT those out of obligation.

I am 39, as are most of friends, and when I told them that I was only having my 3 sisters stand up for me, they said "thank God, I can just come and have a good time".

If you want to include her, a reading is a nice way to do so.

 

[Haven]

Labbielove--Please don't misunderstand, I KNOW that it is no favor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, trust me, that's what I meant when I said my FSIL probably doesn't even want to be one, anyway.

However, the dilemma is that people seem to take it so personally when they aren't asked to do something they think they should be asked to do, even if it's something they don't even want to do. Ironic, yes, but I've seen it happen quite a bit.

I've said yes to being a bridesmaid in too many weddings, and I've learned that a) being a bridesmaid is only fun if you truly love the bride dearly, and b) it's extremely difficult to decline such an invitation even when you know you should.

Thanks to all, I've decided to keep the party to the five ladies who make up my closest, dearest friends--my three sisters and two "best" friends. I really appreciate everyone's insight, seeing it all written out made the decision pretty darn clear.

 

[whenharrymetsally]

Date: 9/16/2007 12:12:27 AM
Author: Haven
Labbielove--Please don''t misunderstand, I KNOW that it is no favor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, trust me, that''s what I meant when I said my FSIL probably doesn''t even want to be one, anyway.

However, the dilemma is that people seem to take it so personally when they aren''t asked to do something they think they should be asked to do, even if it''s something they don''t even want to do. Ironic, yes, but I''ve seen it happen quite a bit.

I''ve said yes to being a bridesmaid in too many weddings, and I''ve learned that a) being a bridesmaid is only fun if you truly love the bride dearly, and b) it''s extremely difficult to decline such an invitation even when you know you should.

Thanks to all, I''ve decided to keep the party to the five ladies who make up my closest, dearest friends--my three sisters and two ''best'' friends. I really appreciate everyone''s insight, seeing it all written out made the decision pretty darn clear.

Haven,

I can so relate to this! I completely understand how you feel! I''m gald you have decided to keep your bridal party to the ladies closest to you! It is your day and its only right to have the ones you feel closest to stand by your side! I think it only makes sense. I have recently had a friend get upset with me becuase i was in her wedding party, but i did not ask her to be in my wedding party. I too have been in too many wedding parties where i wasnt close to and should have politely said no. Now some of them are upset with me that i did not return the gesture. However, the three ladies i did choose to stand with me have seen me through thick and thin and i just could not imaging having anybody else.