Bridal Shower / Bridesmaid Drama - need advice, kinda long

[Rock_of_Love]

I have been contemplating whether or not to post this, but you guys give such great advice...and I''m having such a difficult time figuring out how to resolve this mess. Kinda long, bear with me...

A little background, one of my best friends (call her BM2) recently got married (December) and one of my other best friends (call her BM1) and I threw her a shower in November, along with bride''s sister, mother, and a few other friends helping. My friend gets the final bill (she put her card down for the banquet room/caterer) in late Nov/early Dec right before the wedding...then holidays come...then first of year...then she finally sends out the follow up email asking for those that helped to chip in if they can.

Here''s the email:
**********
Hello Girlies,

This is a very past due correspondence, and I hope you will all forgive my delinquent communication. I know many of you had inquired as to how you might further contribute to (BM2''s) bridal shower, and I must apologize for just now having sorted out all of the actual shower details. After much prodding and before we let too much more time lapse...I just wanted to let anyone who was interested know that if you wanted to contribute I will be happy to liaise the process. You have all already shown a great amount of generosity and any additional contributions at this point would simply go toward the final tally at (restaurant).

It was a wonderful weekend and everyone gave so much by way of time, travel, gifts, etc, etc, so please do not feel any undue obligation. I just wanted to be sure that I sent this note so that everyone felt in the loop and so as not to be negligent in getting back to you all.

As always, looking forward to getting together with you all before too long!

XOXO,
(BM1)
**********

Well, somehow bride (BM2) got a hold of this email (she was NOT on the distribution list) and got extremely offended that we were asking people to chip in. Bride (BM2) decides to send out an email to the group as follows...

**********
All
It''s with great disappointment that I send this mail. I am truly sorry for this communication and feel utterly embarrassed by the mere idea of asking ANY more from ANY of you at this point - even if you mentioned in passing four months ago your desire to help. Please know that it was never my intent for you to further contribute toward parties hosted in my honor.

Again, I am so sorry for any confusion this mail has generated and apologize profusely. I will work out the details directly with (BM1) via a secondary mail.

Thanks again for everything - you all mean so much to me and (new hubby); I cant fathom how we could possibly ask for more.

(BM2)
**********

BM2 proceeds to send this "secondary mail" to BM1 that is a really mean and hurtful email basically saying that she is sickened and embarrased that BM1 would send out such an email asking for money and that if BM1 and I (yes, she named me) had passed our "comfort level" of paying for the shower, that we should let her know the total so she could cut us a check.

Needless to say BM1 and I were in a state of shock. Had we done something wrong? What the first email tacky or weird? We called pretty much everyone on the list and no one thought so. In fact, a few of the girls who originally said they would chip in responded very nicely and sent a check to BM1. This was not an "out of the blue" email, as we had already discussed with a select few friends and family about chipping in during the planning process.

We suspect that one of the girls on the distribution who is closer to bride (BM2) than to us gave her the email. This is the same girl who had a crazy vendetta in highschool (almost 20 years ago!) for BM1...we figured she had changed, but maybe not?

Both BM1 and BM2 are two of my closest friends and they are also bridesmaids in my upcoming wedding this May. I was already in a strage place with BM2, because literally the day before this happened, BM2 basically dumped a bunch of crap on me about my wedding and various costs associated with it (it is a destination wedding). Basically said that the $100 bridesmaid dress was too expensive and that couldn''t everyone just use a black dress from their closet...that she couldn''t really take on too many of the bridesmaid duties...that I was going to have to come up with some compromises because all of our friends just had to attend 2-3 weddings this past year (hers, BM1''s, and her sister''s!). She basically made me feel like my wedding was a burden for her. Oh, and if you are wondering if she has money problems...she doesn''t. She and her hubby probably make the most out of all of my friends...and no kids.

So, if you hung in long enough to read this, can you help me with some outside advice? I''m not sure how to deal with BM2 at this point. I haven''t talked to her since all this (about a week ago), but I''m sure I''ll have to at some point. I''m just really shocked and hurt by her recent actions and I''m kind of at a loss on what to do. Any advice? Thoughts?

 

[meresal]

Wow. It was none of the Bride''s business and she never should have gotten involved. The original email in no way reflected upon her. If people mentioned helping to cover the costs, then they should have been expecting the email. That is none of the Bride''s business.

I''m not sure what you are asking for advice wise, but I hope you all can get this sorted out. I''m sorry that she is being like this. *Hugs*

 

[lilylover]

I think the original email was very well written and not tacky at all.

However, if the bride specifically told you that she didn''t want others helping out money wise (did she) but rather to notify her and she would help, I think that''s what should have been done.

Regardless, this all seems way blown out of proportion. I don''t think that you or the BM did anything wrong.

 

[AlistairsBride]

I feel sick for you - this is so much drama and you and BM1 did nothing wrong. I think that if a bunch of girls WANT to do something for a bride and ask, then all who WANT to should be allowed to contribute.

BM2 is completely over-reacting. It sounds to me like BM2 is reigning over the bridezilla throne past the wedding!

Do you have to have her? Sounds like it might just be easier and better to have one less BM... esp. if it is destination. But be polite and controlled about it - dont send an email, just take her to coffee or brunch and say, "youre one of my oldest friends and I want you to be a part of my wedding. In reading your actions and comments to me about my own weddding, its aparent that its not the right time for you to be in my wedding as a BM and I think it would relieve some financial burden on you and some stress for me if you were to be included in a different format.

I intended on having 2 BM plus my sis MOH but I think now I will have only one (plus my sis) as my oldest friend hasnt been overly thrilled with the news... we were trvalling and got back a month ago and I''ve still not seen her, her reaction to my news (I couldnt track her down and ended up sending her an email after 3 weeks of trying to see her in person out of panic that someone else would tell her!) was "WOW!" and happy for me but in the next sentence: all 3 of my remaining single g/f are getting married this year.

I''m not saying she shoudl pay more attn to me so I am punishing her, I''m saying I think right now, she doesnt have the emotional desire to do all the wedding stuff (she also RSVP''d "no" to my stagette with no response - again, totally cool with it, I just think trying to force her to be happy for me and do all kinds of things she doesnt want to do will be burdensome.

My best friend is also not in my wedding party as frankly, she doesnt want to. She would do it if I asked but when she married they didnt have a bridal party - as she said, "I dont want to do it and I''m not asking anyone else to." So she and hubby will MC the reception.

I thikn the point is, you cant force someone to be a good BM, to act nicely, to be happy for you. So pick people that actually are happy for you, will answer 30 times that the dress is perfect (I am going thru this now!), do whatever you need and gladly, etc...

Let BM2 go... it strikes me that this person isnt a very good friend anyways...

Oh and BM1 should NOT feel bad - her email was lovely.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 2/9/2010 12:35:56 PM
Author: meresal
Wow. It was none of the Bride''s business and she never should have gotten involved. The original email in no way reflected upon her. If people mentioned helping to cover the costs, then they should have been expecting the email. That is none of the Bride''s business.

I''m not sure what you are asking for advice wise, but I hope you all can get this sorted out. I''m sorry that she is being like this. *Hugs*

This was exactly the reaction both myself and BM1 had...it is NONE of her business and has NOTHING to do with her. All she did by sending her email was cause a bunch of drama and hurt the people who were doing something nice for her in the first place!

I''m asking for advice because, quite frankly, I don''t know how to handle this. We are pretty much all appalled at her reaction...but what do I DO? Just ignore it, let it all blow over? I am horrible at that...I always want to come to some resolution and talk things out. Right now I''m sort of just ignoring it...but she called yesterday, I didn''t answer, she didn''t leave a message. So I guess that is why I''m posting...for the time when I do answer...what do I even say about all this to her???? And, how do I say it???

lilylover - she never expressed not wanting others to help out moneywise, with the exception of her mother. That was another tidbit of drama when we were throwing the shower...her mom was super sweet and *offered* to help. Said she has been putting some money aside and wanted to help in any way she could and to please let her know how much it was going to cost. I mentioned how sweet this was to bride''s sister...she freaked out, told BM2, and they both forbid me from taking money from their mother. I said no problem and left it at that.

AlistairsBride - Unfortunately not an option to ask her to step down...this will just cause a *lifetime* of drama. She is literally my oldest friend...we have known each other since 4th grade...and we are actually pretty close, most of the time, but she does have this side of her that rears its ugly head from time to time. I did actually tell my sister and BM1, who are planning my shower and bachelorette, that I don''t want BM2 involved in ANY of the planning. Anything she would do for me right now is not coming from a good place - more just out of a sense of obligation, and she would treat it as a burden and possibly be resentful. No thanks.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

And, BTW, thanks for the support and hugs, guys...just that alone helps.

 

[kama_s]

Wow. What an awful position to be in. I really have no suggestions for you though, I''m at as much of a loss for words as you are. But you and BM1 are definitely not in the wrong. I don''t quite know why BM2 got her panties in a bunch and sent out the second e-mail? Plus, with all the other drama she''s creating about your wedding. She sounds quite self-centered, to be honest.

 

[wyndham]

ROL, I''m so sorry that your friend has acted this way -- it is completely out of line after the nice note that BM1 wrote! Hugs, this is annoying stuff to have to deal with.

In terms of advice, I might suggest that you call up BM2 and tell her that you received her email and were taken aback. You can say that you and BM1 were simply following up with some of her generous shower attendees who had such a great time at her shower that they offered to help kick in after the fact. Say that you thought BM1''s email was very polite and didn''t demand that anyone contribute -- it was just letting people know how to contribute if they were so inclined. I''d tell her that you and BM1 made the decision together to write that email, and you certainly wouldn''t have done it if you thought it would be the least bit offensive.

I think it''s important for you to 1) stand up for BM1 because you agreed with her sending that email, and 2) try to mend things with BM2 so that everyone can just get along at your wedding. From what you''ve mentioned, it seems like ''dropping'' BM2 from your wedding party isn''t an option at this point, so you need to ''make it work'' (in the famous words of Tim Gunn

). BM2 sounds like she''s not a great friend, unfortunately, so I might re-evaluate things after your wedding...but until then, do whatever you need to do to smooth out this situation.

Best of luck, I hope BM2 is reasonable!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/9/2010 2:25:24 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love

Date: 2/9/2010 12:35:56 PM
Author: meresal
Wow. It was none of the Bride's business and she never should have gotten involved. The original email in no way reflected upon her. If people mentioned helping to cover the costs, then they should have been expecting the email. That is none of the Bride's business.

I'm not sure what you are asking for advice wise, but I hope you all can get this sorted out. I'm sorry that she is being like this. *Hugs*

This was exactly the reaction both myself and BM1 had...it is NONE of her business and has NOTHING to do with her. All she did by sending her email was cause a bunch of drama and hurt the people who were doing something nice for her in the first place!

I'm asking for advice because, quite frankly, I don't know how to handle this. We are pretty much all appalled at her reaction...but what do I DO? Just ignore it, let it all blow over? I am horrible at that...I always want to come to some resolution and talk things out. Right now I'm sort of just ignoring it...but she called yesterday, I didn't answer, she didn't leave a message. So I guess that is why I'm posting...for the time when I do answer...what do I even say about all this to her???? And, how do I say it???

Here is what I would "try" to do:

Try to ignore it, for now... It sounds like she is purposely searching for drama, and nothing that you or BM1 say is going to help the situation. Just be the bigger person. Don't fight her in this.
*If* she continues to complain about your wedding expenses, explain to her that you tried to keep things inexpensive. Also, let her know that she was able to have her dream wedding, just as you are trying to have yours. If she is overwhelmed by the costs, then you are just fine with having her as a guest instead of IN the wedding. (I would normally say, offer to help and have her pay you back, but I have a feeling that is not what she wants. It really sounds like she is just looking to complain and stir up drama wherever she can.)

If you do feel like you need to say something to defend yourselves, I would wait a few days, sit down with BM1, and try to come up with something calm, that explains your position. I still think the bride is just going to blow it out of proportion though. I wonder if the silent treatment for a week or two will make her see how ridiculous and immature she looked.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 2/9/2010 3:33:48 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/9/2010 2:25:24 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love

Date: 2/9/2010 12:35:56 PM
Author: meresal
Wow. It was none of the Bride''s business and she never should have gotten involved. The original email in no way reflected upon her. If people mentioned helping to cover the costs, then they should have been expecting the email. That is none of the Bride''s business.

I''m not sure what you are asking for advice wise, but I hope you all can get this sorted out. I''m sorry that she is being like this. *Hugs*

This was exactly the reaction both myself and BM1 had...it is NONE of her business and has NOTHING to do with her. All she did by sending her email was cause a bunch of drama and hurt the people who were doing something nice for her in the first place!

I''m asking for advice because, quite frankly, I don''t know how to handle this. We are pretty much all appalled at her reaction...but what do I DO? Just ignore it, let it all blow over? I am horrible at that...I always want to come to some resolution and talk things out. Right now I''m sort of just ignoring it...but she called yesterday, I didn''t answer, she didn''t leave a message. So I guess that is why I''m posting...for the time when I do answer...what do I even say about all this to her???? And, how do I say it???

Here is what I would ''try'' to do:

Try to ignore it, for now... It sounds like she is purposely searching for drama, and nothing that you or BM1 say is going to help the situation. Just be the bigger person. Don''t fight her in this.
*If* she continues to complain about your wedding expenses, explain to her that you tried to keep things inexpensive. Also, let her know that she was able to have her dream wedding, just as you are trying to have yours. If she is overwhelmed by the costs, then you are just fine with having her as a guest instead of IN the wedding. (I would normally say, offer to help and have her pay you back, but I have a feeling that is not what she wants. It really sounds like she is just looking to complain and stir up drama wherever she can.)

If you do feel like you need to say something to defend yourselves, I would wait a few days, sit down with BM1, and try to come up with something calm, that explains your position. I still think the bride is just going to blow it out of proportion though. I wonder if the silent treatment for a week or two will make her see how ridiculous and immature she looked.

spot on Meresal!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Don''t you hate that - I just composed a reply, and there was an error posting it! Ugh!

Well, I basically was going to say...thanks for the advice!

I''m still in the ignoring stage...hoping the silence and a "cooling off period" may do her some good (and me). I know at some point I will need to talk to her and mend things - I do think it is important to stick up for myself, and BM1, since it was a joint decision.

She is just so difficult to talk. Obviously things have come up over the years since I have known her so long, and when I try to talk to her, it is all business..."I''m sorry that you feel that way" "I validate your feelings, now can we move on." A lot of mumbo jumbo therapy talk without much empathy or compassion. Sheer torture for someone like me.

She is so bull-headed, and the type to protect herself first and not worry about any of the repercussions of her actions. I''m sure she has already moved on in her mind. I know this because I think when she called me on Monday she was just calling to get a question answered about the lodging deposit for the wedding...found out from another friend. Which bothers me even more...how can she NOT know how damaging her actions were?!? Frustrating!

 

[meresal]

ROL, to be hoenst, I'm not really sure why you think you need to justify your actions and why you need for her to understand "your side". She already knows your side, it was explained VERY well in the original email, and she chose to dissaprove of it AND make a big scene to everyone involved.

If this was me, I wouldn't talk to her about anything other than this issue until YOU and BM1 get the apology that you are deserved.

If you think that she really doesn't realize that damage she has caused, and has already "moved on", then call her until she answers or send her an email, explaining that you are irritated by what she did and that you deserve an apology for her publically humiliating yourself and BM1, when it was none of her business to be involved.

It sounds like you need her to understand you, when it should be the exact opposite. I would never worry about a girl like this. She is in the wrong, and if you need her to know THAT, then fine... but you shouldn't need to sit down with her, unless she is ready to apologize to you.

End of story. Be short, be quick, and be to the point. The best way to deal with a bull headed person, is to be bull headed right back. I have a feeling you and your friends back down to her alot, and that is what she is used to. She can do whatever she wants, and then gets to move right along like it never happened. That has to end at some point, and this seems like a great opportunity.

I hope that made sense?

*Also, copy all of your posts before you press submit.*

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Yup - that makes a lot of sense! I appreciate the candid feedback.

I''m not saying that I want her to understand my side or where we were coming from in writing the email...just that I want her to understand that what *she* did was wrong and hurtful. She is very stubborn and I can forsee her upholding that she was right and justified in her actions.

So, it is a conversation I am dreading because I will just get more upset by her not getting that what she did was wrong. Also, if I''m to wait for an apology, I will probably be waiting forever.

But, I definitely agree with you about being bull-headed right back...short, quick, to the point. Gotta prep myself for that!

 

[LilyKat]

While I don't think you did anything wrong, in retrospect, I can sort of see how she might have been a bit embarrassed by an email asking people to contribute towards a party in her honour. I don't know... maybe she felt a bit like a charity case? I'm not saying it's justified, but if she's the hyper-sensitive sort with inferiority issues, I can see why it would have bothered her. That said, there was absolutely no reason to be so rude about it.

If she is repeatedly complaining about paying to be in your wedding, I would graciously offer her a way out (especially if things have become weird between you). The next time she mentions the expense, say something like, "I understand it's a heavy year for you with weddings and their costs. I would hate for you to struggle. If you'd prefer to just come as a guest rather than being in the bridal party, I really will understand."

ETA: The bride wouldn't happen to be from a different culture, would she? It's just that in some cultures (British, and some Asian cultures), asking for money is considered a bit of a no-no. Which includes asking for contributions to parties in your honour and also asking for your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses - which would explain both of her weirdnesses!)

 

[cakeny]

Ok I''m gonna say it. Even though the 1rst email was worded as tactfully as possible, the mere act of asking the shower guests for money afterward is pretty tacky. I would be pretty mortified if any of my BMs emailed my shower guests asking for anything (esp 2 months after my wedding was over)! That being said, I know your intent wasn''t to offend or piss off BM2 so the harshly worded secondary email from her was not necessary.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 2/10/2010 4:00:11 PM
Author: cakeny
Ok I''m gonna say it. Even though the 1rst email was worded as tactfully as possible, the mere act of asking the shower guests for money afterward is pretty tacky. I would be pretty mortified if any of my BMs emailed my shower guests asking for anything (esp 2 months after my wedding was over)! That being said, I know your intent wasn''t to offend or piss off BM2 so the harshly worded secondary email from her was not necessary.

Just to clarify...this was not to ALL the shower guests, this was only sent to a small group of girls who were involved in planning and helping with the shower. Most of them anticipated a "follow up" email after we received the final bill. I would NEVER send a blanket email to ALL the guests asking for money...that would be tacky!

I will admit it was a little "tardy," but the timing of everything right after her shower made it a bit difficult to send it out any earlier. We had her destination wedding in the Carribbean a couple weeks after the shower, then it was Christmas and New Year''s, and the email went out in mid-Jan.

 

[meresal]

ROL- Didn''t you say that the guests who received this email had already indicated that they wanted to help at the time that the shower was being planned? You and BM1 were not peddling for extra cash from the entire guest list... which obviously would have been tacky.

 

[cakeny]

Date: 2/10/2010 5:57:13 PM
Author: meresal
ROL- Didn't you say that the guests who received this email had already indicated that they wanted to help at the time that the shower was being planned? You and BM1 were not peddling for extra cash from the entire guest list... which obviously would have been tacky.

Yup, I did miss that point. So I understand that they actively wanted to pitch in for the costs. I still think it's a little too late to send out an email like that. But since some already sent your friend checks, I guess it didn't come across as much of a surprise as I originally thought.