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Bridal Shower/Registry/Etiquette

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areagirlsbestfriend

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There was a thread on here a couple days ago on "Greenback Showers" ... many of you had pretty strong opinions on them. I guess I am seeking some more input ..

I haven''t registered yet, and don''t need to for at least another few months, but I''m starting to get a little nervous about it. We currently live together and have no intentions of moving into a bigger place before or immediately following the wedding. I would say the earliest we would buy a home would be two years after the wedding, so three years from now (we currently rent and it''s perfectly fine for us, as almost all of our utilities are included and we don''t have the added maintenances of home-owning).

That being said, we don''t really "need" anything in terms of houseware, and quite frankly don''t have much room for it! I can think of a few things that maybe we could upgrade .. like bed linens, bathroom stuff, etc. The only thing I can think of for the kitchen that I don''t currently have is a nice mixer.

So what do I do about registering?? Honestly, we''d appreciate the cash - but I DO NOT want to come out and ask for it, so putting any sort of statement on an invite or whatever, is out of the question.

The other thing is .. our photographer offers "bridal registries" with every package .. basically, people can contribute to the photography of the wedding. Is that weird? Or bad etiquette? Obviously it will be a personal choice whether or not to include that in an invite ... what are people''s thoughts on that?

My mom just went to a shower, that was basically a "greenback shower" ... it wasn''t said on the invite, but there were no registries listed on the invite, and when my mom called the bride''s mom, she said she wasn''t registered anywhere and that, although she hated to say it, money was probably the best option. My mom (who does get offended easily over these sort of etiquette details) cut her a check and didn''t make a fuss about it. The bride did get several nice "token" gifts at the shower (i.e. nice Lenox frames, etc) but ended up with mostly envelopes.

Help! I hope this made sense ..

(also - I''m not demanding a shower, but I know that I will get one, as my aunts have already talked about it)
 
I am in almost exactly the same position. I am not sure I am handling it the best, but here is what I am doing.
I will register, but if anyone asks my mom, she will tell them we would rather have money but nowhere will I either write it or say it is required, only as a truthful answer to a question.
For those who are truely uncomfortable giving money we are setting up a registry at BB&B. With a smaller registry we are more likely to get duplicates and they give cash for returns. My whole family will give money but we really don''t know what Fi''s family will do.

I know some ladies on here have a honeymoon registry as well so that might be an option for you.
 
Brazen is handling the situation perfectly--she opened a registry, didn''t put ANY gift information on ANY invitations, and when people ask about gifts, her mother is telling them the truth about what the couple needs.

I''d open a registry, list only the items you need, and leave the rest up to your guests. If they really want to know what you two need, they''ll contact you or your mom.
 
There is no way to get around this issue. I think the way Brazen is handling it is really the ONLY way to do it tactfully. People need an option. That said, someone said BBB allows cash returns...I thought they didn''t or I would have registered there! But if they do allow that, just register there. Or...you could choose a place that has other stores..for example, if you register at Williams Sonoma, you can return gifts for credit that can be used at either WS, or Pottery Barn or WS Home. So you get three store options to spend your credits.
 
I didn''t know BBB did cash returns .. that''s really great. I''ll keep that in mind when I decide where to register .. there is one right by my work, too .. convenient =)

yeah I''ve heard about the honeymoon registries, but I guess I lump that in with the photographer registry ... is it considered bad etiquette? My mom seems to think so .. me not so much, but I really don''t want to offend anyone.
 
I also think Brazen''s got it right. And that''s exactly what we''ve done too.
 
I think photography and honeymoon registries are improper. I find the photography registry to be a bit more offensive than a honeymoon registry, though.
 
Thanks for the input .. I think I will just go the route of registering for a little bit and answering honestly when people ask what we need.
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I also tend to not agree with a honeymoon or photography registry. Not to be rude, but it seems really crass, IMO. I''m not even sure why, really.

My FI and I will not be buying a house for awhile either....but I am still registering for china, pots/pans, knives, mixer, flatware, glassware, bedding.....everything.

I figure eventually we will be in a house and at that point in time I don''t think we''ll be in a position to splurge on a ton of housewares and beautiful things...we''ll have to focus on major appliances and furniture. We have one opportunity to have other people indulge us on things we will eventually need and that time is now.

I''d much rather choose things i want on a registry than cross my fingers in hopes that people will give monetary gifts....only to probably end up with a bunch of old school style knick knacks.

If there''s one thing I can''t stand doing personally, it''s giving cash or gift cards as gifts. It''s so impersonal and it makes me feel like i''m paying my way to attend someone''s party.
 
Date: 3/10/2008 3:21:38 PM
Author: scm1012
I also tend to not agree with a honeymoon or photography registry. Not to be rude, but it seems really crass, IMO. I''m not even sure why, really.

My FI and I will not be buying a house for awhile either....but I am still registering for china, pots/pans, knives, mixer, flatware, glassware, bedding.....everything.

I figure eventually we will be in a house and at that point in time I don''t think we''ll be in a position to splurge on a ton of housewares and beautiful things...we''ll have to focus on major appliances and furniture. We have one opportunity to have other people indulge us on things we will eventually need and that time is now.

I''d much rather choose things i want on a registry than cross my fingers in hopes that people will give monetary gifts....only to probably end up with a bunch of old school style knick knacks.

If there''s one thing I can''t stand doing personally, it''s giving cash or gift cards as gifts. It''s so impersonal and it makes me feel like i''m paying my way to attend someone''s party.
U made a very good point. One day, u will buy a house & all of things will be useful. But areagirlsbestfriend stated they don''t have much space. This is always a hard thing..

I say register somewhere for things you need and leave it at that. Hopefully the others will ask a family member and at that time, they can say $$ would be best.

I am from a filipino family (and married to a white american man) and money is customary during showers / weddings etc but it was 50/50 on my husband''s side. I guess it all depends on culture.

To me, if I can tell couples or someone really just needs money.. I just go ahead and write a check and give a very small tangible gift.
 
yeah, I agree it would be ideal to register for all those nice things to have in our eventual house .. I even pondered maybe renting a storage space until we did have a bigger place. But that might not be for awhile, and I think having that stuff just sitting around would make me antsy or something.

thanks for the input on the honeymoon/photography registry, Haven & scm. I don''t want people to think I want their money to spend on things that aren''t necessity. We aren''t taking a honeymoon as of now, anyway. We''ll probably wait until the dust settles after the wedding is over and see how our finances stand.
 
FI and I are in our 30''s and have lived together for 3.5 years - so as you can imagine there is not much missing.

We haven''t bought anything or replaced any broken items for the house for a year - just so as to have lots of options for the registry.

We are:

Upping our dinner-service from porcelain to bone-china.
Putting really nice towels and linen down instead of the cheapy ones we normally buy.
Adding a set of the new silicone bake-ware, and top quality baking/roasting tins.

I would be very happy if we got loads of cash/cheques - mainly because I hate to pay full price for anything and I see it as a rip off if someone buys us a Le Creuset casserole from John Lewis for $120, when I know I can get it brand-new on ebay for $60. Grrrr.

I wish there was a way where I could just list items we would like and they could be removed online by the purchaser, but bought where they wanted. Would be a nightmare for deliveries etc though.

I would never ask for money though.
 
hmm, not sure what happened to my first attempt at a post. but it looks like people have covered the basics.

First off, no shower if you don''t want more stuff. Showers require presents. Ask for a regular party or luncheon or tea instead, or a recipe shower if you like to cook.

Then for the wedding, register for those upgrade items that you do want. Be selective though, and WHEN ASKED, you can say you don''t have need for much stuff but are saving up for a house, honeymoon, whatever, but are also registered at ...

We had a full set or two of stuff when we got engaged, but it was mostly old, mismatched hand-me-downs. What a pleasure it is to cut with our new knives, and cook on our new expensive cookware, and use our carefully selected gadgets (mixer, handblender, etc.) Now our towels match and are new and fluffy! We didn''t get china or crystal but got nice, matching everyday dishes and a plethora of glassware. Mostly we donated or gave away the old stuff as the new arrived, but we did need to find a new home for some stuff (glassware especially) so choose carefully.

Don''t think the photog registry is such a great idea. Honeymoon registries I am OK with (as long as you aren''t relying on your guests and stressed about them not ponying up enough) but there are often technical difficulties in implementation. Best of luck!
 
girstbestfriend -- I totally know where you''re coming from with not wanting to collect a ton of gift boxes that you will have to lug around. And renting a space to store it all would be a waste of money!! Do you have parents or ILs who can store stuff in their basement for you?

Have you considered just registering for basic stuff? Stuff you would really like to have but wouldn''t necessarily buy for yourself? Like for me, I really really really want a set of Le Creuset stuff....but I can''t think of anytime throughout the year when I would just splurge and buy that stuff for myself. Or what about just really plush towels and sheets so that you can start your married life in a little luxurt albeit the small space!

I''m not trying to push a registry on you. I''m young, broke and don''t have a ton of space either. And I know right now and for the foreseeable future I have absolutely no use for 10 settings of fine china. But I know that once I have a home of my own...and kids...or no kids....I will want that stuff!

My mom never registered when she got married because you didn''t do that back in the day. And she told me just this past Christmas she sometimes wishes she had gotten nice china when she got married for sentimental reasons. And it''s not money that''s stopping her from getting herself a nice set of fine china, she is well off, but it''s the idea that you just don''t normally buy stuff like that for yourself. It doesn''t quite have the same meaning.

I hope this makes sense!!!
 
scm - that totally makes sense! like, when you use your nice china to entertain friends years from now, you''ll always think "Oh we got this as a wedding gift" ... my mom still says that about some of the things she uses to this day! and to answer your question, neither sets of parents have any sort of storage room for us. but that was a thought, thanks!

I think I will register for stuff to replace the Target specials we have now
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NOTHING wrong with Target bought linens or towels (it''s all we have!) but yeah, it might be nice to have some higher quality sheets, towels, etc.

I was also thinking of registering for some home decor items that I like, but never buy because I''ve become so cheap saving for the wedding!
 
We''ve registered at C&B and Macy''s. A few people have asked where my FI and I have registered but not many. I do know that I''m having two showers, one thrown by mom''s friend and another one thrown by my FMIL and my FI''s sisters, most likely. We didn''t want to register at first -- we''ve lived together for almost 2.5 years and we live in a 1000 sf condo. We have all of the essentials, but like many others here, we''re upgrading a few things (things like pots and pans, sheets, glasses, flatware, and towels). We have put a few more decorative pieces such as lamps, hanging wall art, and candle holders on our registry at C&B also. We''re hoping to look for a house in the next year or so, and we thought some of the things we registered for would be good to have for the long-term.

I wouldn''t do a photography or a honeymoon registry. In theory they sound great but when it comes down to it, those are just *clever* ways of asking for $.

We''re not putting registry info on our invitations either. That info. might be provided by the ladies hosting my showers but it won''t come from me directly. We may put registry info. on our wedding website but we''re not sure about that one. If we get around to it...
 
girlsbestfriend -- i am glad you area going to register!!! I think the idea of registering for decorative items/art is a really fantastic idea! If i didn''t already have 2 registries for china/essentials....I''d soooooo register at Z Gallerie for some framed art and some large decorative mirrors or something.
 
FI and I live in a shoeboxed size, San Francisco apt. No real hope of buying anything for at least 3 years (depending on the market at the time). We live with many items- kitchen wares, linens, etc- that are more ''starter sets'' than anything else. For example, our knife set is simply bareable, not the quality we want forever. We chose to register for items that we already had, but wanted to upgrade. We''ll simply donate what we get replaced.

On gift cards, cash, etc: While I don''t think one should dictate what is acceptable ("cash only please"), I think that these matters can be handeled by word of mouth to close friends and family. For example, if my MOH is speaking to one of my friends and mentions a wedding gift, she might say "yes, their apartment is so small- I''m getting them a giftcard!" or something to that effect. I''ve already had a few guests ask me outright if I prefer cash to a physical gift, and I''ve been honest. I figure, if they''re asking...
 
We also didn''t need much so we did the "upgrade" registry where we registered for lifetime lasting versions of what we had. But we also let the mothers spread the word if people asked that we were hoping to buy a house in the next few years so we got a lot of cash too. Worked well for us and I think it''s the only way to do it tactfully...
 
Wow so many negative opinions on Honeymoon registries, ouch. That's all we registered for.

My boss registered for that as well because he said he'd been wtih his wife already for ten years and they didn't need anything. No one had a problem with it I guess. My friends also did that at their wedding last October, most of us bought from that registry even though they offered a dish registry as well.

It can be considered a so called 'clever' way to ask for money but in all honesty I want a honeymoon that I don't have to pay for. All of the money on our registry is going directly to the honeymoon, that's it. We don't even get the first dispersment from it until the wedding. My wedding is in October and people have already been buying off mine. I've gotten some nice notes too like 'think of me while you're having the dinner for 2 at x in Greece' etc.

I'm 36 and my FI is 33, we both have everything we could possibly need (i mean everything, to the point of needing a garage sale actually) and we couldn't fathom registering for dishes or kitchenware when we have it all. I haven't gotten any feedback from folks that think it's crass but I have a pretty laid back group of friends. Our families haven't said a word either....

Hrm.
 
Date: 3/13/2008 8:16:39 PM
Author: violet02
in all honesty I want a honeymoon that I don''t have to pay for.
I guess what I''m wondering is why you think others should pay for your honeymoon...I''m asking that sincerely, not snarkily. I guess that''s why quite a lot of people aren''t too keen on them, from the gift giving perspective, because it seems odd to pay for someone''s honeymoon to me.

We are older too, and had a household of things so we also didn''t "need" housewares, but like neatfreak said, we decided to use the wedding gift thing as a way to upgrade to some nice, keepsake momento pieces like fine crystal vases, silver candlesticks, etc. Things that we didn''t have and that we''ll be able to use over the years and say "that was a wedding gift from so and so" and it''s already nice to say that when using something special from someone as a wedding gift.
 
Date: 3/13/2008 8:35:58 PM
Author: surfgirl


Date: 3/13/2008 8:16:39 PM
Author: violet02
in all honesty I want a honeymoon that I don't have to pay for.
I guess what I'm wondering is why you think others should pay for your honeymoon...I'm asking that sincerely, not snarkily. I guess that's why quite a lot of people aren't too keen on them, from the gift giving perspective, because it seems odd to pay for someone's honeymoon to me.

We are older too, and had a household of things so we also didn't 'need' housewares, but like neatfreak said, we decided to use the wedding gift thing as a way to upgrade to some nice, keepsake momento pieces like fine crystal vases, silver candlesticks, etc. Things that we didn't have and that we'll be able to use over the years and say 'that was a wedding gift from so and so' and it's already nice to say that when using something special from someone as a wedding gift.
That's a valid point... I mean a friend of mine wanted to buy something for another friend that they'd use and look back on and remember who bought it for them.

I don't think anyone should have to pay for anything for me, but I for example, bought $160 worth of dishes for a friends wedding and they decided they didn't want it and returned it all for cash. That didn't bother me. Either way I paid $160 for something for them whatever that something may be. So if someone would like to buy me a $35 breakfast in athens versus a $35 place setting then that would be nice too. I think it's just a matter of how people feel they're spending their money. To me either way I'm paying x dollars for a gift whether it be cash or not. I have some friends/family that have already planned on just giving us cash because that's a cultural thing.

I think my point was that I'm not saying I want a honeymoon as a gift because I want an excuse for cash, I was saying I wanted to really use it for a honeymoon... and we'll have wonderful memories of our honeymoon forever and we'll remember all the folks that helped us get there too. We don't need something to look at to remember... imo.
 
Also I just wanted to add that I wouldn''t put registry info on an invitation either. My friend did that and I thought that was pretty tacky. Ours is only listed on our website and not prominently by any means. We also haven''t asked our family or friends to pass any word around about our registry or preferences.
 
violet, thanks for answering my question...I was genuinely interested in your answer.

This thread is funny timing because I was just reading someone''s wedding website yesterday and it''s perhaps the best and most awesome wedding website I''ve ever seen. Really impressive. Anyway, on their registry page, they had a statement that because people would have to travel to their wedding site (and it wasn''t conveniently located) their guest''s presence was enough of a gift for them...However, IF people really felt they wanted to give something, they would be pleased if people gave to the two charitable orgs that were listed below. Each listing gave a description and website address of the org, and how to donate, if so desired.

I bring this up because I also recently read a relative''s wedding site and on their registry page, they went on and on about how people''s presence was more than enough of a gift BUT if people really wanted to give something more, there was a charity that they loved and they gave the link. Same thing as above right? Nope. In ADDITION to that charity, they they went on about IF someone really REALLY wanted to give something concrete, then here was some registry information where they had a ''few things''...and they proceeded to list 3-4 different registries for household items. It all felt so insincere to me and it really turned me off. I dont know why, I guess because if they REALLY were committed to donations to their org of choice they should have left it as the only option. Instead, I came away from reading that thinking that they really do want the "stuff" but they''re trying to be crunchy about it. It just seemed fake to me.

There, I feel better now, venting about that.
 
surfgirl -- Gift giving or asking for gifts is weird when it comes to weddings. I went to one wedding where a lot of folks had to travel a distance to get to it and they did the same thing, they said 'your presence is enough of a gift to us' so they didn't ask for gifts or donations. MY FI and are actually making them a stained glass mosaic picture to hang on their wall (fun hobby stuff) as a gift.

Another couple in the same situation (destination-y wedding) registered for a honeymoon, at BBB and at a very pricey site for dishes. They only posted registry links on their website though and didn't register until just a couple of months before the wedding. They were low key about it.

For us, we have one small link on our website with no statements about preferences, just a link that says 'Registry' and a link that takes you to the honeymoon site. I can see why the situations that you listed would bother you. I agree that if you want donations, then that's all you should list on your site. I think if people feel honeymoon registries are tacky then as long as it's not in your face/buy me THIS, then it should be fine. Although I think registries and asking for gifts should be low key not matter what it is. And I did have a friend that actually said they liked their honeymoon registry because it was an easy way for them to get cash, so I can see why people may have a bad impression about them.

My friend who printed the registry info on his invitation kind of got under my skin because he invited as MANY people as he possibly could and put a LOT of registry info on the invite and pointed people to the website with more registry info... and registered for some items (waffle maker? iron?) that I couldn't believe they could need considering he's one of the richest people I know personally. He has a lot of disposable income and owns a lot of nice things. His wedding was nice on some personal touches for them and we all had beer and pizza, ice cream and cookies... not that we expected anything fancier but a lot of us got the impression that they really wanted a LOT of gifts from a LOT of guests. None of us even see them anymore, they decided after the wedding that they no longer wanted to invest in as many friends, they'd rather just invest in a few 'quaility' ones.

Sorry that was my 'vent'.... and sorry for the threadjack!
 
I tend to agree with Violet. As long as the honeymoon/photographer/whatever registry isn''t broadcast, I think it''s OK to do. And I think it really comes down to how your family/friends feel about it and you as a couple. If they know you don''t exactly need another set of dishes and are pretty set with what you already have, then they''ll probably feel their money is better spent as a cash gift or towards a fun registry (like the honeymoon). With my family, I think everyone pretty much knows that cash is really going to be what helps us out the most, as we are paying for about half the wedding ourselves and don''t exactly make a whole lot of money. I don''t think they''d be against helping "fund" a trip for us, either. We probably won''t have another excuse to go on a nice trip again, as we are young parents.

I''m glad I got to read so many people''s thoughts .. I think I''m definitely going to send out STDs now, with info to the website and just put our registries on that, in a very inconspicuous way. I was curious if including the registries in the actual invite was faux pas - I definitely won''t be including registry info on any sort of invitation now. If anything, most people won''t check the website and will just end up giving cash anyway .. I think.
 
agirlsbestfriend- So I''m curious....did you ever start a registry? What did you decide on????
 
hey scm! I didn''t officially register yet ... my wedding isn''t til next spring, so I''ve got some time. I just wanted to get some ideas from you all before making and decisions. My FI and I decided we''d register at BBB for some upgraded items of what we already have, and then some things we do still need (which are few). Then I think we''re going to go ahead and put our photographer registry on our website, and possibly the honeymoon one as well (IF we decide to take a honeymoon, that''s not decided yet. We might not be able to afford it). But everything will be on the website, nothing shoved in people''s faces or on the invites or anything.
 
Date: 3/14/2008 12:29:30 PM
Author: areagirlsbestfriend
I tend to agree with Violet. As long as the honeymoon/photographer/whatever registry isn''t broadcast, I think it''s OK to do. And I think it really comes down to how your family/friends feel about it and you as a couple. If they know you don''t exactly need another set of dishes and are pretty set with what you already have, then they''ll probably feel their money is better spent as a cash gift or towards a fun registry (like the honeymoon). With my family, I think everyone pretty much knows that cash is really going to be what helps us out the most, as we are paying for about half the wedding ourselves and don''t exactly make a whole lot of money. I don''t think they''d be against helping ''fund'' a trip for us, either. We probably won''t have another excuse to go on a nice trip again, as we are young parents.

I''m glad I got to read so many people''s thoughts .. I think I''m definitely going to send out STDs now, with info to the website and just put our registries on that, in a very inconspicuous way. I was curious if including the registries in the actual invite was faux pas - I definitely won''t be including registry info on any sort of invitation now. If anything, most people won''t check the website and will just end up giving cash anyway .. I think.
There was a thread a little while back I was on about this. It depends on how web savvy your guests are probably. I''m pretty sure most of my guests have seen the website. I''ve gotten a lot of responses about it. We put a ton of work into making it pretty cool so there''s been positive response. We''ve had almost 300 hits on it and I only invited about 80 people. Those aren''t unique visitor counts but through word of mouth I''ve heard that most have viewed it as well.

If they don''t check then they''ll probably ask where your registry is anyways most people seem to, don''t quote me on that one though!
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