bridal shower woes too

[janinegirly]

reading so happy''s thread, i figured i''d start my own.

i''m having some major shower issues. my sister is organizing it since she is moh, but she''s young so i''m helping her along. the other bm''s are kind of indifferent (only 4 in total and one is out of state). my fi''s sister is one of the bridesmaid and much older than my sister (more experienced) and married, but creating major tension right now. she doesn''t respond to any emails my sister sends and seems generally uninterested in the wedding. i''ve tried to be understanding, and make excuses for her--it''s too early, she ws too busy, etc etc.

but now it''s less than 4 mo''s to the wedding and she is supposed to be my future sister in law and i''m starting to get annoyed. i tried to urge her to get involved by asking her politely if she''d seen any of my sister''s emails (i pretned my sister asked me to ask her)..and she turned around and sent an email to my sister saying she is totally confused about what''s going on, she thought my mom and sister were doing all the planning and where can she send her list to or is it only my (the brides'') friends. what??! as a bridesmaid--and having seen all my sister''s emails to all the bm''s on bridal shower planning--shouldn''t she realize what''s going on and understand it''s being hosted by all the bm''s? What does my mother have to do with this? why is she asking who to send her list to? of course i''m including her mother and children in the guestlist..who else is she inviting?

am i overreacting? This is really stressing me b/c now i''m picking up the slack to help my sister (researching venues, thinking i may need to contribute to cover the sister..). i would think my fi''s sister would be helping out, not making things worse. argh!

 

[ladyciel]

Can your fiance talk to her? Are they close? Maybe she doesn''t respect your sis as planner because of her youth, or figures she can get away with ignoring the emails because "a kid" sent them? It sounds like she views the BM gig as something she was roped into by obligation and she should "get something" in return for it - apparently inviting her friends to the shower is a way to do that? I think maybe your first move should be to ask your fiance if he has any insight into his sister and how she operates, express that you want to be on good terms with your FSIL, and if necessary can he please talk to her. It seems like it might be too much to ask your sis to try and handle her, and depending on her attitude FSIL might see any more effort from you as Bridezilla trying to take over her life. Completely unfounded, but better to avoid at all costs. I hope she turns around!

 

[CrownJewel]

Hey Janine! 4 months to the wedding!! That''s so exciting!

Anyway, since it''s clear the SIL-to-be is not very helpful and doesn''t seem to be trying at ALL, just go on planning with whomever IS actively helping. Just let the tension go. You don''t need any added stress. Sounds like your younger sister is doing well so far, and she has other bridesmaids to turn to for help. Perhaps your sister can send SIL-to-be an email saying "all of the bridesmaids are helping to plan and if you have any time to spare, it would be most appreciated because you may have more experience with these kinds of things! Of course your mother and your children are invited so we don''t need you to send a guest list. Let me know if you have any time to go over [insert tasks that sister needs help with here]."

SIL-to-be sounds like she doesn''t have time/desire to help, and that''s why she''s feigning "confusion." Don''t let her get to you...just go on without her (no animosity though!).

Good luck!

 

[So_happy]

Yikes! Why are some people like this??? I swear your FSIL is one of my BMs!! And you''d think since she''s been married that perhaps she''d have some inkling of what''s going on or how it''s done!

From what you wrote, I''d say I doubt she did NOT get these emails and that her feigned confusion is just that. But that doesn''t help you help your sister out does it? What would help is at least knowing exactly what this woman will or will not do in regards to the party. And getting concrete tasks out to her may be the best way to confirm this. Perhaps ask her in person so she can''t evade the request? Or at least via the phone.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your sister! I hope you are able to get her on the phone or at least plan ahead without her. And that guest list request is the oddest thing I''ve heard since yesterday when my sister invited strangers to my shower to fill her venue!!!

 

[havernell]

I''m sorry your sister is facing so much grief trying to plan this shower.

Could your sister call your FSIL rather than emailing her? Calls are a lot harder to ignore/forget than emails, and a direct conversation is bound to leave your FSIL less "confused" than a slew of emails since all of the info can be shared at one time (rather than in multiple emails). Plus, if your sis gets her on the phone hopefully she can nail down some firm commitments from her (since FSIL will be forced to give your sister some kind of response if they are talking one on one).

Good luck to your sister!

 

[janinegirly]

well here''s a bit of an update--thanks for all the feedback, I might need some more though!

for some extra background, i live in nyc and the fsil lives in NJ (where I''ll be marrying). she has 2 kids, but is a stay at home mom and has a nice life (big house and all that). my sister is 23 and just starting out.

SO FSIL called my FI last night and told him she didn''t understand why my shower had to be in NY, that it''ll be at least $300 each if it''s in NYC (no one gave her this figure) and that she was confused about what was going on (meanwhile she''s ignored my sister''s emails explaining everything). meanwhiel she also could have just called me or my sister. i can''t believe she is tacky enough to make this all about $ and creating extra stress for everyone. ultimately i think we will move forward with planning and just invite her and ask her to contribute the minimum and then we (my mom, me and my sister) will cover the shortfall. it''s frustrating b/c this is just the shower and we all have bigger wedding things to worry about! I also have not heard any other bm''s complain..who all live further (some will need to pay for travel/hotels) and working full time and have full lives as well. i''m feeling kind of insulted! FI said he''ll talk to his mom, but really, his sister is well past her 20''s (and 30''s) actually and kind of selfish behaviour if you ask me.

of course maybe, i''m just overreacting too...so feel free to chime in!! thanks for listening..

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m a bit confused. You stated "shouldn''t she realize what''s going on and understand it''s being hosted by all the bm''s?" My answer would be no, unless she offered to co-host the shower she shouldn''t realize what''s going on and be expected to pay for any portion of the shower (I''ve never heard that being a bridesmaid automatically makes one responsible for covering any of the cost of a bridal shower). So was she asked to co-host the shower, or are these emails sent by your sister supposed to inform her of her responsibility?

 

[janinegirly]

as far as i know bridal showers are typically hosted by the bridesmaids and the MOH coordinates and ensures everyone is ok with this. of course there are exceptions,etc.

 

[KimberlyH]

Perhaps that's the disconnect with your FSIL. She might not have known she was expected to help plan and pay for the shower so her confusion stems from that and to start recieving emails about plans when she was never asked to help may have thrown her off.

 

[janinegirly]

maybe, but having a hard time believing that. the emails were just getting all bm''s feedback on ideas, dates, themes. my fsil has been in several weddings including her own with her own shower and is twice the age of my sister. i think she just didn''t like that the planning wasn''t going her way and therefore made life difficult. my FI had a chat with her and she seems more on board now.
i suppose it is a little touchy assuming who shoudl split the costs---i don''t know how others handle this..i suppose i thought bm''s kind of knew it was part of the package (along with paying for their dress,etc). I am working with my sister to try to keep costs down and my mom (and me if i have to) will pitch in behind the scenes.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 6/1/2007 9:34:18 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Perhaps that's the disconnect with your FSIL. She might not have known she was expected to help plan and pay for the shower so her confusion stems from that and to start recieving emails about plans when she was never asked to help may have thrown her off.

I would agree this might explain it. It sounds like she may have interpreted the emails from your sister to be updates on what is going on, as opposed to requests for involvement. While many times bridesmaids all host together, in a lot of the weddings I've attended/been involved with, there were a variety of combinations of who hosted -- some had MOH/mom/sisters hosting, others due to location had multiple showers for different groups of friends (ex: I hosted w/ my best friend's sisters & mom for her family, college friends, and family friends near where we grew up, but her grad school BMs hosted a separate shower near school for the folks near there). It is crappy that she made it about money, but she may feel defensive because she didn't realize this was expected of her.
Honestly, my FSIL will be a BM, but I don't expect her to do anything (other than show up). I like her a lot, but I'm really asking her b/c I think it is nice for her to be part of her brother's wedding (just as her husband asked FI & his bro to be groomsmen). The only people I expect to do anything like showers or planning are my mother, sister, and best friend. Any other help I get is gravy. Just my thoughts...

 

[KimberlyH]

I''ve been in and too many weddings and planned a lot of showers and have never heard that all bridesmaids should expect to pay for the shower along with their dress, shoes etc. I think it''s strange that she wanted to invite her friends, but I can understand her confusion. There should have been a discussion amongst your sister and the other bridesmaids about willingness to pay for and help with planning the shower instead of just assuming everyone was willing and able to do so (no matter what their financial status and stage in life may be), especially via email which can really be lacking as a means of communication.

Anyway, it sounds like it''s all been resolved; I''m glad your FI talked it through with her and things seem to be better.

 

[Mandarine]

Sorry you''re having a hard time Janine...

I guess I agree with Kim though...I wouldn''t assume that splitting the costs was the way to go. I am not expecting any of my BMs to pay for anything other than what they''re going to wear....and I''m letting them wear whatever they want as long as it''s ina color I agree with..hehe....but I am very relaxed when it comes to this, so I can''t really offer much advice.

One of my BMs might not even have money for her dress and I already told her if she needs help to pay for it, I will help her. My MOH is my little sister and she''s in college...so she''s broke. My other BM is my other sister...and she does have the means, but she''s in Spain!...and the last one has three kids, great intentions, but I don''t want to burden her with things....

I think it''s just a matter of being clear with what you are expecting and not taking things personally. This is the most important day for you and your FI...not for everyone else...and that''s ok! it''s the way it should be!.

I think you just need to speak to her directly...after all, she will become part of your family...see how she feels about the whole thing, tell her what you expect and come to some sort of common ground. You have enough stress to also be dealing with stress due to the very common mistake we all make "lack of communication!".

Hang in there!

M~

 

[janinegirly]

thanks all, and good to hear from you manderine!

it sounds like my bm''s have found a suitable place to host it and are all busy planning away now. Seems like my FI''s conversation with his sister kicked her into action and things are moving, so I''m very happy, since this is all i really wanted (to let them do whatever they like and not be involved).

anyway, overall things are going well..i know I complain a lot here, but it''s hard to believe it''s less than 4 mos away and still so much to do, so i get stressed at times. All the big things are done, so now it''s the little details..kind of like lots of little fires now instead of a couple big ones.

our honeymoon has been booked too (greece and turkey) so i''m excited for that. I''m just kind of over the planning stuff...really can''t wait for the actual day, the HM, and starting our lives!

anyway, that''s my quick update (and tangent)...how''re things going mandarine?...sounds like the dress search is coming along! Isn''t it crazy how our budget inflates when it comes to dress searching and certain numbers start to sound reasonable? good for you for finding such great deals!

and if righttime is reading this..i can''t believe you''ll be married in what, less than 2 months?! exciting..

 

[surfgirl]

Count me in as another who''s never heard of the BMs being expected to throw/pay for the bridal shower. Perhaps your FSIL got peeved because she was "informed" rather than "asked"? If she was told she was expected to contribute money and time towards planning this then I can see how she''d be pissed, I know I would be too. Now if someone asked her, "hey, we''d like to throw a bridal shower and wondered if you''d like to help host it by helping with planning, costs, etc.?" then that''s another story.

Glad to hear it''s working out now...