Bridemaid Issue (Vent)

[sap483]

Hi Ladies. I''m so angry right now that I''m absolutely shaking as I type this. I asked my college roomate to be in my wedding, against my better judgement b/c my mom convinced me I was being rude since she had asked me to be in her wedding and my FI is good friends with her FI and is also in the wedding. She has a history of stealing my ideas so I was worried- especially since before I asked her she overheard me telling someone about how I was having firepits on the lawn during the reception- and then she went and told her FI that they should have firepits (I overheard her). I let it go though and asked her anyway. Well a week ago I sent all my bridesmaids an email with a bunch of wedding info, including a link to our website. At this point I had already seen her website which looked nothing like mine. Well today she sent all of her bridesmaids (including me) an email similar to mine and included the link to her website. Boy was I surprised to see a website almost identical to mine. I just sent her an email telling her that I was surprised, and a little hurt and concerned that any ideas I may share with her as a bridesmaid and as my friend may be used in her wedding. Was I out of line? How do I handle this? How do I prevent this from happening again?

 

[anchor31]

I don''t give much info about the details to my two girls. Do they really need to know everything, from the decoration details to the underwear I''ll be wearing? Not really... They know the colours, their dresses and mine, the flowers, locations and time of events, but that''s pretty much it. So, what I would suggest is that unless your girls are very involved in planning, you don''t have to tell them everything.

I''m sorry it''s happening, it sucks!

 

[sumbride]

wow, that really sucks! Even the line "imitation is flattery" doesn''t really help here. Is your wedding before hers at least?

I agree with Anchor that you don''t really need to tell them everything. Mine got some details but I didn''t really get into specifics.

 

[BELLA9280]

that just flat out sucks!! and there is nothing you can do!! my cousins getting married in Nov and i cannot wait till after so i can talk about my wedding! if she knew i was having the extra raw seafood bar, chocolate fountatin, sundae station, martini staion ect my uncle would call and upgrade hers!!! it stinks especially when your all excited but the only way to avoid it is to not talk about it whos wedding is first yours or hers??

 

[sap483]

Unfortunately hers is first. So I sent her this email:
"I feel bad sending this email, but I''m a little hurt. I was really surprised to see that your website looks so similar to mine, especially since I had seen your website just two days ago on the wedding channel and it looked completely different with a vine motif. I guess I''m a little concerned that other ideas that I may share with you as a bridemaid and my good friend may show up in your wedding. I overheard you at xyz''s bbq telling your FI that you should have firepits at your wedding after I told you that we were having them at ours. I didn''t want to say any of this to you, but after I saw the website, I felt very hurt. Hopefully it wasn''t intentional, but please realize that I spent a lot of time making my website so it would be different from everyone else''s website and now it''s not- and I''m really worried that the same thing may happen again. "

To that she replied:
"I''m sorry that you are hurt by the website and I do recognize that they are similar. However, I had this website made before I saw yours. If I had set out to make a website this today, I probably would not have chosen this motif out of respect for yours. However, I chose this because it is the most plain one that Weddingtracker offers. I did not want to pick an actual "themed" one (or a colorful one) because that would conflict with our colors / theme and they don''t offer color customization of the templates. I think it is unfortunate luck that we have similar tastes.

I had abandoned the WeddingChannel.com website in favor of Weddingtracker because it offers more functionality, I planned to take that one down but I haven''t had time.

About the firepits... I think they are a lovely idea but I am not even considering having them at our venue. I apologize for the drunken words but I must have really liked that idea at the time.

I think we need to not stress about potential similarity between our weddings. In the execution they will bot be very different events that reflect our personalities. I don''t want this to become a race to see who can announce their idea first and therefore "claim" it. I can explore other options with the website if it really bothers you. "

So I did a little research and found out that her website was in fact created today. I don''t appreciate being lied to. I responded with:

"That''s fine. I assumed you had not created it as of Sunday since you asked me who I used to create my website on Saturday and mentioned that you were considering using wedding tracker. And then when I looked up the creation date it said todays date (I inserted the link to networksolutions.com that shows all of the domain name info). I''m really sorry for the misunderstanding. I just needed to get that out there, as I was upset and don''t want to feel like I must withold all details about my event from you."

Did I handle this well? I hope I got the point across- not that I expect her to admit to lying...

 

[aljdewey]

Are you asking for an honest answer? I wouldn't have done it.

If you don't want her to mimic your ideas, it's easy enough to stop it--just stop telling her details.

I wouldn't have chosen to actually send a "please don't use any of my ideas because I want to be different" email. It just seems territorial and petty.

Even worse was the follow-up email. You accomplished your point (putting her on notice that you'd prefer she not replicate/adopt your choices) by sending the initial email; didn't really matter what her response was. To actually admit to her that you looked up the creation date of her website to disprove her? That seems to me more like competition issues than anything else.

What's done is done, but I think you'd be much happier focusing on your plans and choices and not worrying about someone else's. The truth is, it's highly unlikely that you're going to do something SO drastically new that no bride has ever thought of it before.

Most weddings have the same elements: bride, groom, dress, attendants, bouquets, "I do"s, cake, toast, first dance, reception dancing. It's not reinventing the wheel. You can have special elements without expecting that people are really going to focus on/notice/absorb every little detail of your plans and compare them to someone else's. Believe me, people just aren't that attentive.

All that said, it sounds to me like it was a mistake to ask her, and you can either 'unask' her or withhold info.

 

[sap483]

Date: 10/24/2007 3:57:06 PM
Author: aljdewey
Are you asking for an honest answer? I wouldn''t have done it.

If you don''t want her to mimic your ideas, it''s easy enough to stop it--just stop telling her details.

I wouldn''t have chosen to actually send a ''please don''t use any of my ideas because I want to be different'' email. It just seems territorial and petty.

Even worse was the follow-up email. You accomplished your point (putting her on notice that you''d prefer she not replicate/adopt your choices) by sending the initial email; didn''t really matter what her response was. To actually admit to her that you looked up the creation date of her website to disprove her? That seems to me more like competition issues than anything else.

What''s done is done, but I think you''d be much happier focusing on your plans and choices and not worrying about someone else''s. The truth is, it''s highly unlikely that you''re going to do something SO drastically new that no bride has ever thought of it before.

Most weddings have the same elements: bride, groom, dress, attendants, bouquets, ''I do''s, cake, toast, first dance, reception dancing. It''s not reinventing the wheel. You can have special elements without expecting that people are really going to focus on/notice/absorb every little detail of your plans and compare them to someone else''s. Believe me, people just aren''t that attentive.

All that said, it sounds to me like it was a mistake to ask her, and you can either ''unask'' her or withhold info.

Yeah, you''re right. Thanks for being honest. I should have just ended it after the first email. I do have issues with her that stem back to college. I won''t get into them, but they made me think twice about asking her. I should have gone with my initial instinct. To be fair though, I didn''t share this with her as an idea. It was something I had already created and shared with others so that they would be able to make travel arrangements. I''m getting married on a holiday weekend and hotel rooms in the area are booking up quite rapidly.

I don''t expect my wedding to be the first of its kind, you''re so right in that I won''t be reinventing the wheel. I guess I don''t want to go to a wedding a month before mine, with many of the same guests as we share the same circle of friends, and see that exact same thing that I had planned for months- when I''ve worked so hard to make mine reflect the personalities of myself and my FI. I don''t want to look as though I took all of her ideas.

From now on, I won''t be sharing anything with her that isn''t absolutely necessary.

 

[xiuying]

Just FYI, I''ll create a lot of my sites "offline" and then upload the images, graphics, etc. all at once. So a website that looks like it was created "today" by me may have actually been created over a month ago, and then been uploaded. I don''t know how Wedding Tracker works (it''s blocked by my work place! Oops!)

I really do feel for you. I have a friend who''s getting married a month before me, and I''m excited for her, but I''m also hesitant about sharing ideas with her because I want everything to be personal to ME, ya know? But I''m not as worried now because I''ve started coming up with a lot of unique ideas that I KNOW she won''t have, so that the difference between the weddings will be very obvious. It''s probably a silly way to feel (who''s going to remember favors after six months?) but I COMPLETELY understand how weddings can be so personal.

ITA with not sending the followup email. If I were the recipient, I''d start wondering if I had to "double-check" all my planning with you, which would bother me. I do think it''s smart to "nip this in the bud," though, if there''s a significant worry she''ll have everything you have.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with Alj. There are much worse things that could happen and I would have let it go.

 

[surfgirl]

FWIW, I probably would have done with you did hon. I dont think its a crime to be honest with this woman. She''s obviously done things in the past that have tweaked you and this was reconfirmed that you dont trust her. What I DO think is your fault, if you will, is being pushed into having someone in your wedding party that you seem to not want there. I wish people didn''t feel so compelled to be pushed into things they dont want to do for their weddings. It just makes me sad. But at this point, just let it go. I would make a conscience decision though, to stop sharing the details of your wedding with her. Things like that dont need to be on your website either so if you choose to post it, you''re opening yourself up for more of the same. Good luck...

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/24/2007 4:14:10 PM
Author: sap483

Yeah, you''re right. Thanks for being honest. I should have just ended it after the first email. I do have issues with her that stem back to college. I won''t get into them, but they made me think twice about asking her. I should have gone with my initial instinct. To be fair though, I didn''t share this with her as an idea. It was something I had already created and shared with others so that they would be able to make travel arrangements. I''m getting married on a holiday weekend and hotel rooms in the area are booking up quite rapidly.

I don''t expect my wedding to be the first of its kind, you''re so right in that I won''t be reinventing the wheel. I guess I don''t want to go to a wedding a month before mine, with many of the same guests as we share the same circle of friends, and see that exact same thing that I had planned for months- when I''ve worked so hard to make mine reflect the personalities of myself and my FI. I don''t want to look as though I took all of her ideas.

Well, then you can rest a bit easier on that one. Let me give you some reassurance. If those things truly reflect *your* personality, it won''t look like you took her ideas....it really will look the other way around.

If the things you''ve picked really do reflect YOUR/FIs personalities, it stands to reason that they are less likely to reflect your BM''s personality, and they''ll likely be less notable elements of her wedding. So, it will likely be either overlooked at her wedding, or if noted, will feel a lot more genuine for yours.

One of my friends (Tracy) married two weeks ago, and her favors were heart-shaped coffee scoops. They are so appropriate because her (now) husband is a total coffee nut, and we ALL know him for that. If our mutual friend Tina were getting married, she could certainly pick the same scoop....but she''s NOT the one who comes to mind as the coffee afficionado.

So, six months after the weddings (even if both used the same favor)....... when I see the coffee scoop in my drawer, who do you think will come to my mind? Yep.....Tracy and her husband---EVEN if the coffee scoop had come from the other gal''s wedding.

Things that say "yep, that''s *so* SAP" will still seem that way even if she does them too....and they will seem less her.

She''s not going to rain on your parade unless you let her. Take heart, be a bit more discrete about who''s present/listening when you share information, and ENJOY planning your wonderful wedding.

 

[luckystar112]

I would have done/said the same thing you did. It seemed like she was trying to twist it around like you were the one with the problem and not her. I also would have called her out on lying to you, only because I HATE it when people mistake me for an idiot.
So, I think she probably would have stopped copying you after the first email...because even though she replied back with all that fluff it was most likely in her head that she's annoying. But I understand why you wrote the second email, and I would have too, even though it was unecessary. lol

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/24/2007 6:54:08 PM
Author: luckystar112
I would have done/said the same thing you did. It seemed like she was trying to twist it around like you were the one with the problem and not her. I also would have called her out on lying to you, only because I HATE it when people mistake me for an idiot.
So, I think she probably would have stopped copying you after the first email...because even though she replied back with all that fluff it was most likely in her head that she''s annoying. But I understand why you wrote the second email, and I would have too, even though it was unecessary. lol

Uh, hello...sap IS the one with the problem, not her bridesmaid. Personally, I thought the BM''s response was pretty dignified in the face of the accusations. She even offered to look into other options if the website really bothered the OP.

Then the OP goes and does sleuthing to see if the BM is lying? (and as one poster said, it could have been CREATED previously but finally posted on that day.) C''mon. I understand the people copying ideas/fashion sense, etc is irritating, but I agree with the others...don''t give out more info than you need to and let it go.

 

[cara]

Um, yeah you go your point across. And maybe a few others as well, such as, "my wedding details are more important than our friendship" and "I really don''t trust you."

What is the goal here? Do you want to keep this person as a friend? As a bridesmaid? To shame this person forever?

There is a concept of saving face. You called the woman on copying your idea/website and got your point across. She tries to mend fences and offers to look into changing her website, says she is not going to use firepits, and didn''t intentionally copy your website.

She might have lied about that last bit (or not) but it was a face-saving lie that you could have let go... and then followed her suggestion to not stress about any wedding-detail similarities going forward while following common sense by not sharing many new details with her. Since any sane person must have gotten your message the first time.

But now? I''d be really uncomfortable as your friend or as you the bride in this situation. Either call her up and tell her you made a mistake asking her to be in the wedding or call her up and apologize for being out of line and a bit touchy. Cause snooping on website-post dates really strikes me as belittling, for you and her.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... I also think that, after that last e-mail, you may have to call her, apologize, and talk it out (if that''s appropriate in the context of your relationship). That''s a pretty big slap calling her a liar and a thief to her face, and if you two are going to have to be around each other, you may need to do some soothing.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/24/2007 9:04:27 PM
Author: cara
Um, yeah you go your point across. And maybe a few others as well, such as, ''my wedding details are more important than our friendship'' and ''I really don''t trust you.''

What is the goal here? Do you want to keep this person as a friend? As a bridesmaid? To shame this person forever?

There is a concept of saving face. You called the woman on copying your idea/website and got your point across. She tries to mend fences and offers to look into changing her website, says she is not going to use firepits, and didn''t intentionally copy your website.

She might have lied about that last bit (or not) but it was a face-saving lie that you could have let go... and then followed her suggestion to not stress about any wedding-detail similarities going forward while following common sense by not sharing many new details with her. Since any sane person must have gotten your message the first time.

But now? I''d be really uncomfortable as your friend or as you the bride in this situation. Either call her up and tell her you made a mistake asking her to be in the wedding or call her up and apologize for being out of line and a bit touchy. Cause snooping on website-post dates really strikes me as belittling, for you and her.

I totally agree...

If you don''t trust your BM, don''t ask her in the first place. We already have some good threads going on in BWW about dealing with mothers, so there are tips to be found.

I''ve said this before, and I''ll say it again...there are very very few instances where brides do not have some sort of issue with their bridesmaids. A good chunk of the time it''s because of the "me me me over every else and everything else" attitude. Note, you don''t have to be a bridezilla to get this way. Even in the little things, people just go weird. (btw Sap, this is not talking about you specifically).

I don''t believe it''s simply "the bride''s day." It''s a special day, yes. YOUR day, not quite. It''s a day where you want everyone to CELEBRATE with you...and how are people going to feel that way when they''re really not feeling the love because the bride is a PITA?

Seriously, keep your eye on the prize...a day that you will be marrying your love. EVERYTHING else is secondary. I had a MIL and a SIL (who was the best man) who arrived from Australia a week before the wedding without a dress to wear. We went shopping and I just said, "wear whatever you want" and they did. And they were happy. No one matched. Everyone was comfortable. People ate, drank, and were merry and no one remembered I had the ugliest visitor''s book known to man. They just knew that TGuy and I were happy, and remembered feeling very happy along with us.

 

[sap483]

I apologized to her this morning. I just don''t want to deal with it anymore. To be honest, I really don''t believe her, and anyone that knows her that I''ve talked to agrees that her offer to change her website was not sincere. To provide a little background, I met FI through her bf. Not too long after we met, she advised fiance to not date me. She later claimed that she was concerned that since I had just come out of a rough relationship that I wouldn''t be able to handle a new relationship and might break FI''s heart. She was supposed to be one of my closest friends. It took many months to get FI to open up to me after that. That''s just one of the many instances where she''s done things to me that have harmed me but claimed that they were in my best interest. That doesn''t justify my behavior though. I was out of line, and I let my anger get the best of me. I''m a fool to have let my mother and FI convince me to ask her to be a bridesmaid. Oh well, it''s too late to do anything about that now. Thanks for all of your input- even the input that was hard to hear.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 10/25/2007 10:36:03 AM
Author: sap483
I apologized to her this morning. I just don''t want to deal with it anymore. To be honest, I really don''t believe her, and anyone that knows her that I''ve talked to agrees that her offer to change her website was not sincere. To provide a little background, I met FI through her bf. Not too long after we met, she advised fiance to not date me. She later claimed that she was concerned that since I had just come out of a rough relationship that I wouldn''t be able to handle a new relationship and might break FI''s heart. She was supposed to be one of my closest friends. It took many months to get FI to open up to me after that. That''s just one of the many instances where she''s done things to me that have harmed me but claimed that they were in my best interest. That doesn''t justify my behavior though. I was out of line, and I let my anger get the best of me. I''m a fool to have let my mother and FI convince me to ask her to be a bridesmaid. Oh well, it''s too late to do anything about that now. Thanks for all of your input- even the input that was hard to hear.

Hun, chalk it up to lesson learned!

In order to keep your sanity during wedding planning, just don''t let anyone convince you again to do something you''re not comfortable with.