Bridemaid problems! :(

[fatalysis]

I have just a little over a month before the big day, and I am having some problems with a bridesmaid. I should have listened to my inner gut before asking her to be apart of my wedding. I cannot count on a bridesmaid for anything! I don''t think I want this girl in the wedding (I can’t seem to count on her or believe her that she is going to follow through) I have been friends with this girl for the last seven years. To many times has she let me down, and now she is letting me down for numerous wedding items. Can I demote the bridesmaid when the wedding is just a little over a month away?? Help please.

 

[musey]

In my opinion... no. On one hand, it is your wedding, and it should be a day that makes you happy to look back on for the rest of your life. However, is it really worth seriously injuring your friendship with your BM?

You chose to include her for a reason, and I doubt that reason was just to hand her wedding-related jobs. Do you want to have bridesmaids who stand with you on your wedding day, to give you moral support and share in your joy--or just to have minions to delegate tasks to?

Is she aware of what you're expecting of her? When you say she's "let you down," what does that mean? Most women, especially those who haven't gone through the wedding process themselves, aren't aware of there being "duties" assigned to their role when they agree to be a bridesmaid. Many brides don't even expect more from their 'maids than to continue to be the amazing friends that they have always been, to only add to their joy during the wedding process.

It seems like you ought to talk to her about what your idea of "bridesmaid" is, so that you're on the same page. People can't be "letting you down" if they don't even know what's expected of them in the first place, IMO. If you're not willing to have a heart-to-heart with her, you should just stop placing expectations on her that she doesn't know she's supposed to fulfill.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, I think you should cut your bridesmaid some slack! After all, it''s your wedding and any help she gives you is a favour for which you should be grateful, not a requirement! She''s your friend, after all, and I''m assuming you chose her because you wanted her near you when you say your vows, not because you wanted her to be a member of your staff!

But the key thing is to salvage your friendship. It seems like a lot of friendships are ruined by bride / bridesmaid conflict and that''s a sad shame. So why not have a frank talk with your friend? It might be that she''s feeling like "Why the heck do I have to run her errands for her? It''s HER wedding!" and you''re thinking "Why is she so unreliable?" and you both have building resentment. So, just talk it through and be prepared to shift your expecations. That''s what good friends do, right? Try to understand and accomodate each other and try to help each other.

 

[bride_to_be]

Well, it is a month before my wedding, and I talked to one of my BM and we both agreed that she shouldn''t be in our wedding. She started talking smack about me and my soon-to-be hubby. I didn''t want to kick her out because it would be more drama then it would be worth. But after talking to some of my married friends, and just the fact really didn''t want to be in anyway, I asked her to be on better terms with us or to remove herself from the wedding.
I feel better now. The wedding party will be uneven, but i''ll survive. Just letting you know my story. If you don''t want to have her in your party, remeber, it''s your wedding. You want the people that are next to you to be the people who love and support you. Years later you want to look back at your pictures and not have any "i wish" one way or the other.
BEWARE!!!! This will effect your friendship! Do what you feel is right, and make the decision that you will be happy with for the rest of your life.
Good Luck!!!

 

[akw94]

Fatalysis, I''m so sorry you''re going through this! I can relate b/c I am too! Boy, weddings sure can affect friendships!
I think you can demote her if that''s what you want to do. I''m torn too b/c I''m sure talking to my bm about the problems will affect our friendship and I really don''t feel like dealing w/that right now. Let alone the fact that my pride isn''t letting me call her quite yet.

I think what Bride-to-be said is right, just realize that it will affect your friendship. But that doesn''t mean you shouldn''t do it. I think you should do what *you* want to do. This is your wedding and if you don''t want her involved, you can remove her whenever you want!

Good luck!