Bridesmaid advice

[Diva0413]

Hi ladies,

I have a very small situation on my hands and I need some advice. Hope you guys don't mind.

I have 2 BMs and I'd like to believe I'm pretty laid back with my requests. All I pretty much asked was that they pick the same color dress (a wine color), and wear gold accessories (shoes, jewelry, clutch, etc). One of my BMs made it a point to tell me that she does not like high heels and since my MOH and I do like heels, she feels like she's at a disadvantage. I then asked her if she'd be okay in 1 inch or 1/2 inch high shoes and she said no problem. We then got together, browsed through Zappos, Piperlime, DSW, and other places finding shoes the met the criteria. We came up with about 10 pairs of shoes that she said she liked and were very inexpensive, so she said she'd pick from the list. About a month ago, she showed me the link to Dessy, with the ballet flats and asked me what I thought. I responded that they're very cute and would be fine for the reception. I'm not sure where the miscommunication happened because now I'm hearing from her that she already bought the flats and that's what she's wearing them for the reception and ceremony. I'm having a bride-to-be freakout moment because I'm really not crazy about the flats being worn for the ceremony.

Am I asking too much? Should I say anything?

ETA: Even my FI is freaking out over this. He thinks if everyone else is dressing up for the ceremony, so should she.

 

[sunnyd]

I think she should be comfortable. I don't understand the freakout, unless the flats were flip flops or something...

ETA: If you REALLY want her to wear heels for the ceremony, then you should buy them.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/11/2009 4:04:38 PM
Author: sunnyd
I think she should be comfortable. I don't understand the freakout, unless the flats were flip flops or something...

ETA: If you REALLY want her to wear heels for the ceremony, then you should buy them.

Thanks sunnyd. I only freaked out because I thought her and I had an agreement. Why say you'll wear heels if you're really not going to? And I did offer to pay for the shoes. She's my one BM that refuses to let me pay for anything.

ETA: I agree with her being comfortable, but she said she'd be comfortable in low heels. And if it's a formal event, to me, flats, whether they're flip-flops or ballet stlye aren't ideal, IMHO.

 

[princesss]

Okay, I'm not seeing what the big deal is. Flats can be dressy, and a lot of people just aren't comfortable wearing heels. It will be more obvious in pictures if she's in pain/uncomfortable/unhappy than if she's wearing flats and your other BM is wearing heels.

ETA: And as to why she agreed to wear heels, maybe she felt really pressured and caved. Then she got home, was looking at shoes and/or trying some on and realized she's going to be really uncomfortable, so she tried testing the waters about the flats she bought and freaked when you didn't approve.

 

[panda08]

Honestly, a little bit. This sounds like classic miscommunication. You were trying to be accommodating but didn''t specifically tell her that you wanted her to wear a heel, however low, for the ceremony. She seems to have taken your willingness to accommodate as a green light to wear flats for the whole day.

I''d let it go. I understand your desire for uniformity but pull back for a sec. If your BM had a back problem and couldn''t wear heels, would you have excluded her as a BM because her inability to wear heels would ruin your vision of your ceremony? If no, then just less this pass.

 

[Diva0413]

Thanks princess and panda!

It''s actually not a big deal, but I was asking if it should be made a big deal. I like the flats, and I considered getting a pair for myself for the reception, but was never okay with them for the ceremony. I thought I was taking into account that she may not be comfortable in heels, which was why I thought a good compromise was low heels. And she didn''t seem to feel pressured at all. She even picked a few pair on her own. Plus, she''s worn heels at work and other functions we''ve been to before, so again, I didn''t see it as a problem.

But, with that said, it''s probably a battle not worth fight. I just need some unbiased thoughts. Thanks ladies!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 8/11/2009 4:08:51 PM
Author: Diva0413

Date: 8/11/2009 4:04:38 PM
Author: sunnyd
I think she should be comfortable. I don''t understand the freakout, unless the flats were flip flops or something...

ETA: If you REALLY want her to wear heels for the ceremony, then you should buy them.

Thanks sunnyd. I only freaked out because I thought her and I had an agreement. Why say you''ll wear heels if you''re really not going to? And I did offer to pay for the shoes. She''s my one BM that refuses to let me pay for anything.

ETA: I agree with her being comfortable, but she said she''d be comfortable in low heels. And if it''s a formal event, to me, flats, whether they''re flip-flops or ballet stlye aren''t ideal, IMHO.

I agree with princesss, because she felt peer pressure to wear heels like you and your other BM. There are tons of dressy flat options, maybe you could find a pair and suggest them?

 

[Clairitek]

Mind sharing the link to the shoes with us?

I can see why you want your BMs to fit into a certain vision you have (in this case, heels being the only option for formal attire) but just remember that in the end hardly anyone will notice what shoes the BMs are wearing. I agree with the others that have said that if she isn''t totally comfortable in the shoes she is wearing it will come through in pictures. If I were you, I would just let it go. I bet you''ll hardly think of it on the big day.

 

[Diva0413]

Sure! Here's the link: http://www.dessy.com/accessories/Duchess-Bridesmaid-Ballet-Flat
She got them in venetian gold I think. And she's wearing a mid-calf length dress so yes, they will be seen.

Wow! You ladies post faster than I can respond! LOL! You know, I never thought of dressy flats. Maybe I can find some nice ones with some rhinestones on them... Thanks for the idea!

 

[princesss]

Okay, not the cutest, but workable. I definitely suggest Zappos. I know they''ll have some dressy flats.

 

[LadyBlue]

I like the flats, I would let her wear them without a problem.

 

[sunnyd]

Since she already bought those ones, maybe you could find a shoe clip to dress them up?

 

[D&T]

I really never thought about what my BMs were wearing shoe wise. I just wanted it to be comfortable for them, everyone had different shoes on, and I think no one even noticed their shoes and I didn''t either...lol. I think that would be the last thing on everyones minds, they would rather focus on the happy couple than the shoes. But I understand that you had miscommunication perhaps?

 

[soontowed]

I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM
Author: soontowed
I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

I think that is almost the rudest thing you could possibly say to your own BM. You could only make it worse by attaching an "or else" to the end of your statement soontowed. There are some people in this world with physical conditions, that prevent them from being able to wear heels, 1/2" or not. I for one, can wear nothing, nada, has to be completely flat. Now this is not the case with this BM as Diva has pointed out she wears heels to work sometimes, but you might want to think before you type/act.


Moving on, Diva - I can understand your frustration, but likely it was a miscommunication. You could look for dressier flats and purchase them for your friend, or do what FrekeChild did to her shoes and put jewels on them or a shoe clip to dress them up. Or ask her if she could return them and you can go shoe shopping together. I don''t believe that heels = formal wedding. No matter how formal the affair. You want us all to help you go shoe shopping?

 

[Diva0413]

Sure! Let's do this! Here's a picture of the dress:

Link


It's been altered to be about mid-calf length. And it's in the color Claret (kind of a wine color).

You ladies are wonderful! Thanks for all the suggestions and help!

ETA: If the link above doesn't work, it's stlye 9093 at http://www.davincibridal.com

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM
Author: soontowed
I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

Uhhhh...its her wedding day, not the day she becomes ruler of the world.

I definitely think that if I were a BM, I''d want to do whatever makes the bride happy; however, shoes are shoes, and I don''t think it will ruin the ceremony if she is wearing flats. What might ruin the ceremony, though, is if she trips on her way down the aisle because shes not comfortable in heels but felt pressured to wear them anyway....

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM
Author: soontowed
I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

I really don''t agree with your response.

The BM has stated from the get-go that she did not feel comfortable wearing heels. She shouldn''t have to wear them, she has purchased a pair of dressy flats (which in my opinion are lovely) so I don''t think there is a problem here.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM
Author: soontowed
I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

To be honest, this is the stance I''m using to seeing from a bride to be. I''ve been a BM 4 times, and it was always "whatever the bride wants". Because I wasn''t always comfortable with bride to be requests, I wanted to make sure that I didn''t do the same to my BMs. So, I let them pick their own stuff, they''re not required to wear their hair a specific way, etc. I want them to be comfortable in their own skin. With that said, I guess I started this thread because I felt a little slighted. Without giving too much back story, my BM was the one that approached me about the heels since my MOH and I like 3-4 inch heels and she likes low heels. And to reiterate again, she wears low heels to work and other events we''ve attended so I didn''t see it as too much trouble to wear low heels for this event. So I was a little surprised that she was talking heels one moment and the next, she''s ordering ballet flats (literally). Not a big deal at all and I''m sure her and I can compromise. I just wasn''t sure if I should say anything at all or just leave it. Also, I know those flats seem to be an acquired taste. For me, they look okay in certain colors, but not in venetian gold with a red dress. But again, just my opinion.

I am definitely willing to look up dressy flats or dress up the ones she already bought. Does anyone know where to get shoes clips? Thanks!

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:29:15 PM
Author: szh07

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM

Author: soontowed

I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

Uhhhh...its her wedding day, not the day she becomes ruler of the world.


I definitely think that if I were a BM, I''d want to do whatever makes the bride happy; however, shoes are shoes, and I don''t think it will ruin the ceremony if she is wearing flats. What might ruin the ceremony, though, is if she trips on her way down the aisle because shes not comfortable in heels but felt pressured to wear them anyway....

She is a BM not a slave

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/12/2009 9:02:09 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 8/11/2009 11:29:15 PM
Author: szh07

Date: 8/11/2009 7:48:11 PM

Author: soontowed

I think if you want her to wear heels she should have to. It''s your wedding not hers and it''s not like you are making an unreasonable request. It''s an hour of her life to wear heels during the ceromony, but it''s your most important day. I would tell her flat out that you want her to wear heels for the cermony. Don''t dance around it, just say it.

Uhhhh...its her wedding day, not the day she becomes ruler of the world.


I definitely think that if I were a BM, I''d want to do whatever makes the bride happy; however, shoes are shoes, and I don''t think it will ruin the ceremony if she is wearing flats. What might ruin the ceremony, though, is if she trips on her way down the aisle because shes not comfortable in heels but felt pressured to wear them anyway....

She is a BM not a slave

Definitely not a slave!

 

[princesss]

So, I randomly googled "Shoe jewels" and this is what I got: Shoe Jewels

Hope that helps!

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/12/2009 9:25:07 AM
Author: princesss
So, I randomly googled ''Shoe jewels'' and this is what I got: Shoe Jewels

Hope that helps!

Oh that sure does! I''m so helpless sometimes, not sure why I didn''t think of that.

Thanks princess!

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/12/2009 9:27:41 AM
Author: Diva0413

Date: 8/12/2009 9:25:07 AM
Author: princesss
So, I randomly googled ''Shoe jewels'' and this is what I got: Shoe Jewels

Hope that helps!

Oh that sure does! I''m so helpless sometimes, not sure why I didn''t think of that.

Thanks princess!

You''re welcome! They look like they could be a pretty cheap solution and everybody could be happy.

Btw, good on you for coming here to get this figured out and not freaking out on your BM.