Bridesmaid delimna

[Smurfysmiles]

So I think I''ve mentioned my sister before. She''s going through a divorce right now which will be finalized in the spring...She''s started making dates with guys she hasn''t even met, she''s met them online. As soon as one doesn''t work on she moves onto the next one. I really don''t want some guy I''ve never met at the wedding, it just makes me really uncomfortable (I can''t imagine how her three kids feel, she says they are ok with it, but what teenagers don''t lie sometimes, I know I lied to my parents as a teen anyways). She''s also one of my bridesmaids in the wedding. My question is this- if she asks to have one of these guys come with her to the wedding...should I let her? Some (not all) of the other bridesmaids are bringing their long term (3 years or more) boyfriends to the wedding which is fine. I don''t know, maybe I''m just being dumb about all of this. I''ve told her I thought she should at least wait til the divorce is final to start dating for the kids sake, am I wrong for suggesting that? My thought is that the consensus will be yes. Ugh. It''s just really frustrating to watch this all going on.
She also is updating me on my friends lives (even though I know everything she knows before she knows) basically she just added them on her friends list the other day and now thinks since they are talking to her that they are her best friends too...am I crazy to think maybe she is upset that she is getting a divorce and i am getting married?? All her updates online say things like "I just want to find love before I die" and things along that line
seriously? am i nuts? I''m having a horrible day so I can''t even sort myself out right now.

 

[meresal]

Smurfy... you must be having a bad day for this to be bother you. This is not a big deal, and to be honest, you're worrying about things that aren't your business. That is her family and if she's ready to move on and date, then she's ready. Your wedding is a year away, and she should be allowed to bring whoever makes her happy (barring anyone that would be a threat to you and your guests).

ETA: You should be the first to know that a new relationship can be exactly what a girl needs. Ya know? Just be there for her right now.

Glass of wine

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know it just seems odd to me that only a month after deciding to get a divorce shes already tried to set up 2 dates, both online. I dunno, I''m trying not to judge, it just seems maybe she needs at least a month or two to find herself again, she got lost in a 20 year marriage. I dunno, just ignore me, I''m going through a serious bout of depression this month, I''m bipolar, sometimes you just have to ignore my posts...

 

[Winslet]

To avoid similar problems for our wedding (and to keep our guest list within reason) my fiance and I are only allowing our friends and relatives to bring their significant others if they have been dating for over a year, and if we have met them at least a few times. When people ask us about bringing a "guest" we just tell them the truth - and so far everyone has been totally understanding! I would be sensitive with your sister, but give her some reasonable guidelines for why she can''t bring a date (that is, of course, if you choose to not let her bring one!)

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/5/2009 11:55:31 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I know it just seems odd to me that only a month after deciding to get a divorce shes already tried to set up 2 dates, both online. I dunno, I''m trying not to judge, it just seems maybe she needs at least a month or two to find herself again, she got lost in a 20 year marriage. I dunno, just ignore me, I''m going through a serious bout of depression this month, I''m bipolar, sometimes you just have to ignore my posts...

kool-aide instead of wine then? m''kay

It''ll be alright. They always pass... or else it wouldn''t be called bi-polar

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Thanks winslet, that does seem like a good idea, i know everyone we have invited who has a guest is someone who is a spouse or the other person is also a friend of ours or they have been dating a long while and we have met them.

I know I should just be supportive, but she''s my sister and I worry about family :-\

 

[BigDiamonds]

I would say the best thing would be to just let it be...she''s your sister, and there are much bigger issues that you will need your energy for later. However, if it''s really important to you, then I think the best thing would be to have a rule that applies to everyone, like Winslet suggested. Then it doesn''t seem like you''re judging her individually.

But honestly, I would try to take a deep breath and let her do her thing. It doesn''t really affect your day, and if it makes her happy, isn''t it worth it?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Honestly though, I know if she does bring him (whomever that will be at the time) that it will somehow turn into a big deal. Everytime we have a family gathering she gets angry or makes a big scene about something or another...If it''s just her I would hope she would take it down a notch. Last time we had christmas together, she threw a potted plant at the wall because she got upset about cookies or something. Sigh, if you can''t tell mood swings run in our family, maybe I should just get off the computer before I type something i''ll regret tomorrow

My best friend is calling anyhow, I just found out she stopped to help at a car accident tonight and a guy died right in front of her, she needs someone to listen more than I do :-\

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Just a thought: When people get a divorce, especially after twenty years, they don''t just wake up one day and decide to end a marriage. They pull away from their spouse and begin to imagine their life without their wife/husband long before they give any hint to those around them, especially family living in another state.

My point is that to you, it seems like it''s too soon after "only a month" because you''re just now starting to adjust. However, I would guess that your sister has been mentally moving toward starting a new relationship a lot longer than just a month. Filing for divorce wasn''t square one for ending her marriage and finding a new relationship.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Smurfy, just treat her the way you''d want to be treated, she''s your sister...and nothing you''ve posted about isn''t anything that cannot be talked through or worked out, or even really anything you need to concern yourself about.

If this were her wedding, would you want to bring a date? Probably. Would she let you? Probably.

Clearly your sister is going through a transition...be a good sister, be supportive...thats the best thing you can do.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/6/2009 10:21:09 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Just a thought: When people get a divorce, especially after twenty years, they don''t just wake up one day and decide to end a marriage. They pull away from their spouse and begin to imagine their life without their wife/husband long before they give any hint to those around them, especially family living in another state.

My point is that to you, it seems like it''s too soon after ''only a month'' because you''re just now starting to adjust. However, I would guess that your sister has been mentally moving toward starting a new relationship a lot longer than just a month. Filing for divorce wasn''t square one for ending her marriage and finding a new relationship.

Perfectly said!!!! And absolutely true....

You''re the one just now adjusting...she has been preparing for this for a long time now....

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/6/2009 10:21:09 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Just a thought: When people get a divorce, especially after twenty years, they don''t just wake up one day and decide to end a marriage. They pull away from their spouse and begin to imagine their life without their wife/husband long before they give any hint to those around them, especially family living in another state.


My point is that to you, it seems like it''s too soon after ''only a month'' because you''re just now starting to adjust. However, I would guess that your sister has been mentally moving toward starting a new relationship a lot longer than just a month. Filing for divorce wasn''t square one for ending her marriage and finding a new relationship.

100% agree. I think that you should give your sister a plus one the same way in that others are getting one.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

You guys are absolutely right. It''s amazing what a good night''s sleep can do for one''s mentality. I think the thing that really bothered me is that she told me she''s just looking up random guys that live in her state to meet up with. I''m also concerned because she goes by herself to meet them for the first time. Wouldn''t that situation concern you guys too? I don''t want to hear about her on the news or something. I think if she was going to like a local dating thing or something like that, I (and the rest of the family) would be more comfortable with it. I know it''s her choice, I''m just worried something might happen to her...We''ve tried voicing this concern to her but she just kind of blows it off so there''s not much we can do right now, she lives an 8 hour drive at the closest from any of us. And I think the reason it makes me uncomfortable that she might bring a date to the wedding is because she might just search on facebook, find some guy online and see if he wants to go to a wedding because we know for a fact that that is what she has been doing to find dates. I don''t want to take the chance of her bringing some psycho that might kidnap one of the kids or who knows what. I mean, if she is dating someone and we have proof that he''s an ok guy, then it really won''t bother me if she brings him. The last guy she was supposed to have a date with was 2 hours away from her and when she tried to contact him at his work they told her he never worked there. He gave lots of false information about herself and it really worries me. Ok, that is all...

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/5/2009 11:33:42 PM
Author:Smurfysmiles
My question is this- if she asks to have one of these guys come with her to the wedding...should I let her?

It depends on why you wouldn't want one of these guys there. If its because she's recently divorced, then it's really none of your business. And I don't mean that in a fighting words type of way but if she chooses to date someone, then that's her choice. Now, if you are concerned with the quality of the guy she may bring to the wedding then that's another story. Hopefully by then she doesn't choose your wedding as her first meeting/date with the guy, you know?

I've told her I thought she should at least wait til the divorce is final to start dating for the kids sake, am I wrong for suggesting that? My thought is that the consensus will be yes. Ugh. It's just really frustrating to watch this all going on.

Yes and no is my answer. You are her sister and you love her. If you can't take advice from your sister, then who can you hear it from? At the same time, the last thing someone in the process of a divorce needs is someone else that hasn't been through a divorce telling them what is acceptable versus what isn't. As long as you word it in a sensible, smart manner and not in a 'don't do this' type of way then it should be fine. Chances are she probably won't want to hear it anyway.

am I crazy to think maybe she is upset that she is getting a divorce and i am getting married?? All her updates online say things like 'I just want to find love before I die' and things along that line
seriously? am i nuts? I'm having a horrible day so I can't even sort myself out right now.

It is very possible and also very normal that she be "upset" over your wedding. But that's the process...jealousy is part of healing. You go through the ugly stages of healing before self realization.

You have 10 months before the wedding. You should not be worried about these things now Smurfy. Brides get really wrapped up in what's going on with everyone else when really this is your time to focus on you and your wedding. All that other stress isn't fair to you to have to deal with and you really should just cross that bridge when you get there.

 

[musey]

I agree with meresal: this is not your business, and it's not a big deal. You have NO idea how long she's been mourning and moving on from this relationship. Most often, divorce is not the beginning of a breakup, but the end. Most couples wait until it's already really over before they take that step.

That said, we did not invite plus ones for anyone that was not in a long-term relationship... and really it only worked out because the SOs were friends, as well. We didn't invite "dates" (we made exceptions for those who would otherwise not know anyone, and/or those who had to travel as we didn't want them to have to travel/attend alone). Our wedding was not a school dance, it was a wedding. But we had a very small (considering the sizes of our social circle and families), intimate wedding, so it worked out (and I didn't catch wind of a single person disagreeing with our position on that). So if you want to make a 'rule' that no 'just dates' are invited, then that would be a simple way to resolve the issue.

However, it's my personal opinion that this is not about the wedding attendees, for you. It's about your sister and your issues with how she's handling her relationships and family. My opinion is that it's none of your business, but that's based upon how I interact with my own family and what our boundaries are. Your family may be different.

 

[Erin]

I mean this in this nicest way possible, but exactly how long ago did you meet your FI? And if your sister met someone on a date this weekend and it lasted until November would you be opposed to him going then? It''s so far away. Don''t worry about it now.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

It''s not her dating I''m concerned about, it''s the fact that she''s meeting these men off the internet by herself. I could care less that she''s dating, I just was a bit concerned because of the kids, but if they are fine with it then that''s great. I''m concerned for her SAFETY. But she ignores anything anyone tries to say about it. Who knows who these guys could be! Yes I reconnected with my fi online but I was friends with him all through high school and college which I think is different.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:06:49 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I mean this in this nicest way possible, but exactly how long ago did you meet your FI? And if your sister met someone on a date this weekend and it lasted until November would you be opposed to him going then? It''s so far away. Don''t worry about it now.

That would not bother me. What would bother me is if she was scouring online for a date with someone she hadn''t met just so she would have someone to bring to the wedding. Wouldn''t that bother you? I''m just wondering how to tell her I don''t want her bringing some guy she just met online because he thought she was pretty or something on her picture on her profile.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:23:34 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
It's not her dating I'm concerned about, it's the fact that she's meeting these men off the internet by herself. I could care less that she's dating, I just was a bit concerned because of the kids, but if they are fine with it then that's great. I'm concerned for her SAFETY. But she ignores anything anyone tries to say about it. Who knows who these guys could be! Yes I reconnected with my fi online but I was friends with him all through high school and college which I think is different.

Smurfy- I have a best friend that was (errr, IS) so obsessed with finding love, that she got engaged to a horrible guy. I won't even go into the issues. However, I knew it was not my place to tell her she shouldn't marry him, because no one wants to hear that from someone that is head over heels in love. Right now, you and anyone that is close to you, are not the people that she is going to listen too.

I say just take a step back, and wish good thoughts. She's a big girl, and the best that you can hope, is that if she finds herself in a bad situation, she is smart enough to run. However, not many people learn lessons thru another persons mistakes... what if you tried to introduce her to eharmony.com or match.com?

If you're truely worried about her, then be worried about her... but she might be getting defensive becasue you are trying to tell her what is best for her family. If that makes sense?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

hmm, I see what you''re saying but I don''t think eharmony or match.com will help if she''s going by herself to meet these men. I''m sorry but her daughter was just date raped like 2 weeks ago, wouldn''t she have the common sense to protect herself especially after that?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:37:08 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
hmm, I see what you're saying but I don't think eharmony or match.com will help if she's going by herself to meet these men. I'm sorry but her daughter was just date raped like 2 weeks ago, wouldn't she have the common sense to protect herself especially after that?

Ok, this may be getting a little deep... but do you think she is desperate to find a good father figure for her kids? Maybe she is freaked out that her daughter wasn't able to protect herself (physically or instinctually), and thinks that a more stable home will help her family?

ETA: I have no idea how her soon to be ex was, this is just another option as to what her thinking level could be.

 

[allycat0303]

My sister is also going through a divorce. Honestly, I really don''t care who she invites, as long as she''s happy. Even if it is some random person on the street she has never met. I think divorce is really, really hard. Even more so when you see someone you love getting married. I think it brings up all sorts of feelings of messy feelings, so I want to make the whole business as painless for her as possible (and drama free if possible...)

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:41:59 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/6/2009 6:37:08 PM

Author: Smurfysmiles

hmm, I see what you''re saying but I don''t think eharmony or match.com will help if she''s going by herself to meet these men. I''m sorry but her daughter was just date raped like 2 weeks ago, wouldn''t she have the common sense to protect herself especially after that?

Ok, this may be getting a little deep... but do you think she is desperate to find a good father figure for her kids? Maybe she is freaked out that her daughter wasn''t able to protect herself (physically or instinctually), and thinks that a more stable home will help her family?


ETA: I have no idea how her soon to be ex was, this is just another option as to what her thinking level could be.

That is quite possible, the daughter it happened to was very close to her dad and still wants to live with him instead of her mom.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:50:58 PM
Author: allycat0303
My sister is also going through a divorce. Honestly, I really don''t care who she invites, as long as she''s happy. Even if it is some random person on the street she has never met. I think divorce is really, really hard. Even more so when you see someone you love getting married. I think it brings up all sorts of feelings of messy feelings, so I want to make the whole business as painless for her as possible (and drama free if possible...)


Good luck with your decision!

Thanks ally, that helps a bit. But the thing is that it''s my wedding and if she brings some random guy she''s never met, it is going to make me uncomfortable which i am not ok with. I''m sure this categorizes me under bridezilla nd i''ve been very laid back (except that one thread, blah) I''ve been open to all ideas from fi, family, and friends but I think this one thing is something i have to draw the line at. If she is dating someone then fine, but I don''t want her grabbing some random guy she doesn''t know to bring to the wedding. I know for a fact that she''s contacted almost 15 random guys because she is lonely...

 

[swimmer]

Your sister is a BM so she has to get to the wedding early, fuss over you, visit with her family, help her own kids get ready, etc. Why on earth would she want to bring a guy to the wedding is beside the point. Random dude would have to get himself there on his own and sit alone, and what guy would want to go to a wedding of people he had never met with a stranger? Having seen this happen one time however (and I have a lot of sorority sisters), do insist on family only in photos if that statistically improbable fellow does indeed show up. A sister of mine still hates that one of her cousin in laws brought a random person who is now in all her pictures.
breath smurphy, and give your sister a hug, she probably needs it.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 1/6/2009 8:41:25 PM
Author: swimmer
Your sister is a BM so she has to get to the wedding early, fuss over you, visit with her family, help her own kids get ready, etc. Why on earth would she want to bring a guy to the wedding is beside the point. Random dude would have to get himself there on his own and sit alone, and what guy would want to go to a wedding of people he had never met with a stranger? Having seen this happen one time however (and I have a lot of sorority sisters), do insist on family only in photos if that statistically improbable fellow does indeed show up. A sister of mine still hates that one of her cousin in laws brought a random person who is now in all her pictures.
breath smurphy, and give your sister a hug, she probably needs it.

I guess I'm not going to say anything about the initial question because I think I'm in the minority where my opinion is concerned, and I also don't know the family dynamics at all, so I will just stay out of it. But, can i just ask a dumb question?

I seriously don't know the answer to it at all, but if you're in the wedding, should you even be bringing 'a date?' I've thought about this b/c i asked FIs little sister to be a bridesmaid and she wants to bring her friend with her. they're not dating, she's never dated before, etc..and she's going to be at the head table and have her entire family there, why does she need to bring someone?? It's not like she's someone who doesn't know anyone at the wedding and will be sitting all alone if she doesn't have a date, you know?? Her entire family will be there!! So, my thing is - do they (people who are in the wedding) even NEED to bring dates?? I guess my situation is kind of different in that most of my friends are dating FIs friends (which is how we all met in the first place kind of thing). Of the people on my side 1 is already married (and her husband is friend's with my FI..btw: i despise her husband and despised him while they were dating, just wanted to get that off my chest. LOL! thanks..but they're MARRIED, so he's obviously coming to the wedding even if FI wasnt friend's with himi), another is my MOH and she hasn't been in a serious relationship at all since i've known her and I really doubt she'd just randomly bring someone to my wedding, and the other is FIs little sister (she just turned 17 (she's very young for her age, if you know what i mean?! Innocent, i guess??) On FIs side, his best man is sorta dating this girl who I'm friends with (and will invite to the wedding anyway) for like longer than i've known them, then there is FIs brother who hasn't seriously dated since I've known FI, and as far as i know, isn't going to bring anyone (and again, why should he?), and then there's FI's friend who is married and his wife will be invited to the wedding...moreso because she's his WIFE (not just gf of the moment), but also because she's friends with FI through her husband and I like her and think she's sweet anyway. So...to me, it seems like if you're in the wedding party, you really wouldn't BRING A DATE anyway, right??!!! It'd be dumb, i think! (Unless, again, you're involved in a SERIOUS commited relationship?)

Hope this made sense...I know I rambled.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I have a friend who is behaving similarly to your sister. Sometimes people really need the attention of the opposite sex in order to build up their self-esteem and in some instances, their self-worth. Of course it is alarming to people who love her that she is meeting complete strangers off the internet but, IMHO, going to bars and clubs to meet people poses no less of a risk. To combat my concerns with my friend who is behaving similarly, I asked her to text me names and addresses when she meets someone new. She now does this faithfully and she also sends me a little text at the end of the date "rating" the new guy. The rating system is actually my way of confirming that she is safe and sound. By showing interest in her pusuits instead of judging her actions, I am able to keep better tabs on her. Since it''s been years since I last went through the process of meeting someone new, I enjoy hearing her stories and it strengthens our relationship.

As far as your wedding guests go, if I remember correctly your wedding is going to be on the large side. If your sister brings someone that makes her happy I am sure he will blend in among the other guests there. Be sympathetic to her right now. You have a ways to go until your wedding and I suspect that her behavior will mellow out a bit as the months pass.

 

[decodelighted]

I would find some articles about online dating safety ... and some horror stories. Like the doctor in Philly who drugged & date raped hundreds of women & is now in jail (thankfully). Send them to her.

You''re right to think that someone who hasn''t dated in 20 years isn''t aware of the risks today. Aids is increasing in the elderly population because they don''t use protection enough. Crazy, right? People who you think would know better just simply don''t.

Re: your wedding? Just chill if she needs a date. WhatEVER. You won''t even notice another person. SERIOUSLY!!! We had some random strange relatives that I''d never met & who my Mom invited VERBALLY at the last minute (who comes to a wedding with only a verbal invite, really). They actually wandered through the reception venue while we were there hiding from the "real" guests. Just wandering, lookie-loo-ing. I was like "Who are those strangers?" But, honestly, it was just funny. It didn''t affect our day in the least -- other than being a quick joke.

Worry about the big stuff. And even the big stuff -- don''t worry too much.

 

[CellarDoor]

Maybe you shouldn''t talk so much sh1t on your sister on a public website. Could you imagine the way that she would feel if she saw this? Or, if her daughter ever sees that you were telling strangers on the internet that she had been date raped? It would be one thing if you did it anonymously, but you have given out your whole name on here and put pictures of yourself on here too.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/7/2009 11:36:22 AM
Author: decodelighted
Re: your wedding? Just chill if she needs a date. WhatEVER. You won't even notice another person. SERIOUSLY!!! We had some random strange relatives that I'd never met & who my Mom invited VERBALLY at the last minute (who comes to a wedding with only a verbal invite, really). They actually wandered through the reception venue while we were there hiding from the 'real' guests. Just wandering, lookie-loo-ing. I was like 'Who are those strangers?' But, honestly, it was just funny. It didn't affect our day in the least -- other than being a quick joke.

Worry about the big stuff. And even the big stuff -- don't worry too much.

AMEN, DECO!!!!! This cannot be said enough. This is NOT a big deal. At ALL. Sure, worry about her if you're going to, but don't feel pre-emptively offended at the hypothetical strange date that your sister MAYBE will bring to your wedding that's almost a YEAR away. Seriously! This does not qualify as a thing to be worried about.

I hesitate to say it, really, but I agree with cellardoor a bit too. The date rape thing is a very, very personal matter

I was a bit taken aback when that was put out there, most likely not with their permission. Especially because anyone on the fbook group can connect your screen name here to you on fbook to her (in theory)... it's really not all that anonymous.

Smurfy, I'm sure that you're a very nice person, but I don't think you're as laid-back about wedding stuff as you think you are

take a moment to look at all of this from an outsider's point of view, and remember that in the grand scheme of life your wedding is a very small thing, and in the grand scheme of your wedding your sister's date (hypothetical or otherwise) is an even smaller thing. Stop worrying about such tiny things. You'll be much, much happier int he long run!