Bridesmaid Dilemma - Need Help!

[AmberGretchen]

Hi ladies - I''m hoping someone can give me some good advice about a tough situation I am in right now re: one of my bridesmaids.

So, right now I have one maid of honor and two bridesmaids who are committed to being in my wedding - two are dear friends from early adolescence who I met at camp and Hebrew school respectively and have been close with ever since (about 12 years each). The third is a close friend from college who lives in the same city with me and has been extremely wonderful so far in the wedding planning even though she is in her first year of law school. All three of these ladies are very busy but have really been trying to be good about all the stuff related to the wedding, which I value greatly.

I also asked one other person to be a bridesmaid. She was another close friend from college who went off to Korea to teach English right after we graduated in May of 2004, and none of us has seen her since. When she first went away, she was decent about staying in touch, although not great, which is not a huge deal because she has always been somewhat flaky. Fast forward, and she was very excited when I ask her to be in the wedding. But she keeps delaying making plans. Then it comes out that she is worried about money, and so I tell her that my mom will get her a free plane ticket with frequent flyer miles, she can stay with me or on of the other bridesmaids, and so all she''d have to pay for is her dress and some meals, and she didn''t even respond to that e-mail, which was odd (I think).

So then a few days ago she sent out this note which one of the other bridesmaids forwarded to me about how she is worried about getting time off for the wedding from her job, which I totally understand, but then she goes on to talk about how getting time off for a martial arts tournament is equally important (or seemingly so from her e-mail). Now, I''m the first of my friends to get married and so maybe she doesn''t understand that its a big deal, but that was kind of hurtful. So the thing is, I know she wants to be in the wedding, but I''m beginning to wonder if its really a good idea under the circumstances. I''ve written to her and tried to give her an out by saying repeatedly that I will completely understand if she just can''t make it, but she doesn''t seem to want to take that hint, nor does she seem willing to commit to making the arrangements to be here for the wedding. I truly will not be insulted if she can''t make it, but with just 3 1/2 months until the wedding (its July 9th), I feel that I need to know soon one way or the other.

I am very torn about this and I don''t want anyone''s feelings to get hurt, because except for the martial arts tournament comments and generally being uncommunicative, she hasn''t and isn''t doing anything wrong, and I sincerely believe that she didn''t mean those comments or her lack of responses to be insulting or hurtful. I''m just not sure what to do and how to best resolve this so that everyone will be happy.

Please - any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Caribou]

Hi Amber,

You have quite a dilemma.

I could see where she might not be taking your hints to back out because even if you tell you would totally understand, it might make her feel guilty. Maybe if you tell her, that you and your FI have decided to forgo 1 BM/Best Man and since she''s the farthest away, it''ll be easier on you both if she just come as a guest...and maybe, if you would feel guilty doing this, you could make her an honorary BM..meaning, she can still be involved in helping, if she wants, but she isn''t technically a BM. Make sense?

Also, I''m sure she didn''t mean the Martial Arts Competition to be insulting or hurtful to you. Remember, this is your wedding, not hers. It''s important to her, but not as much as it is to you.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks Caribou - I don''t think the idea of telling her FI and I have both decided to drop someone would work in this case as they already knew who all of FI''s people were and he won''t be dropping one even if she doesn''t come. Also, I don''t think she will come as just a guest - if she can''t get it together to come as a bridesmaid, I think its unlikely she will come as just a guest. She hasn''t really been helping out so far with anything and so I think that''s less relevant - she would probably be helpful the day of, but would be unlikely to help with anything before that no matter what.

I do wish there was a way to convince her that she doesn''t need to feel guilty about it if she can''t be in the wedding...I''d certainly love to hear any suggestions on how to convince her of that!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/24/2006 2:32:25 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
I do wish there was a way to convince her that she doesn''t need to feel guilty about it if she can''t be in the wedding...I''d certainly love to hear any suggestions on how to convince her of that!

Being asked to be a BM''s in your friends wedding is an honor to your friend (as I''m sure you know). For me, saying yes and then turning around and saying no (or saying no in general) is like me saying this friend isn''t important enough to me. Make sense? So it''s hard to say anything other than yes. SO is there a way to NOT make her feel guilty? I don''t know.

Maybe when you talk to her, if you do, seems your having trouble getting a hold of her. Ask her, if she would have said yes or would have been hestitant to you asking her now? I mean because it seems, some things have slightly changed since you''ve asked her?? Go from there....if she said ''no because of yada yada yada'' Then you can say, ''well then I''m freeing you of your duties but know that you are still very important to me and I do not feel the slightest bit upset about this decision''.

Another way, has any of your other BM asked her if wanted to get out of being a BM? Maybe that would make her feel less stress about it. You both, really.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey Caribou - talking on the phone is almost impossible given the time difference, expense, our respective schedules, etc... If anything, we talk over e-mail and IM, so that may help contribute to the miscommunication aspect of things.

One of the other BMs, who is close to this one, did talk to her about it at some point, and she said that the one in Korea told her she really wants to be in the wedding but is stressed about the time off, money, etc...That was originally what led to me offering the free plane ticket.

I really don''t know what to do, but thank you so much for your suggestions - maybe I will try asking her that question you suggested, although I think I run it by the other bridesmaid who is close with her first.

 

[Rebemdee]

If your friend is kinda flakey to begin with, I think it would be okay to say something like, "Gosh, I didn''t mean for this to cause stress, and I absolutely want you at the wedding. I''ve decided to decrease the stress on you, and am not going to burden you with being a bridesmaid."

If you are an EXTREMELY generous person, you could add,

"And because we want you here so much, we would still like to get your ticket to come to the wedding. If you aren''t a bridesmaid you wont need to take as much time off work, so I hope this makes it easier."

And then don''t back down. If she has a fit, well, so what? What''s the worst that could happen? She doesn''t come? She''s already making it sound like she isn''t coming. If this ruins the friendship, it may give you an indication that it wasn''t a friendship that was built to last.

 

[saturn]

It sounds like you have done your best to make it clear to her that you will understand if she backs out. Don''t kick her out of the bridal party just because you assume that she doesn''t want to come - she''s an adult and she can make her own decisions. I think you just need to ask her if she wants you to get her ticket, because those frequent flier tickets need to be purchased well in advance. Then see what she says.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Redembee and Saturn - thanks for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, I don''t think it will matter for taking time off work whether she is a bridesmaid or not - she was only planning to come for the wedding and nothing before or after, and take just 2 days off work, so it really wouldn''t matter - in fact, me and one of the other bridesmaids had discussed our concern that with only two days off work it will be very difficult for her to be present at all, since she is in Korea, and the wedding is in San Francisco, and it will take a whole day to fly each way.

Saturn, I did try that, several times, and used that same point, that the frequent flyer miles have to be purchased in advance to try to make her understand, but I''ve gotten no response either way, which is part of my frustration.

 

[AndyRosse]

AG, sounds like you need to just be blunt. Tell her that you need her to positively tell you that she will make the wedding as a BM or not. Even tell her that you need to know for any one of a dozen logistical reasons: BM dresses, the ceremony, etc. Explain that you don''t mean to be so blunt, but time is a ticking and you have a wedding to plan, and this whole situation with her is just stressing you out more.

I had a kind of similar situation where I asked a good friend of mine to be a BM and she said she was so happy and honored to be asked, but she wasn''t sure if she could. Well a couple months went by, and I was just about to bluntly come out and ask her for her final decision when she finally told me.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks Rascal - I think that''s probably just what I need to do, except that I have to hope she''ll actually reply, which can always be an issue...

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 3/24/2006 7:51:49 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Thanks Rascal - I think that''s probably just what I need to do, except that I have to hope she''ll actually reply, which can always be an issue...

Well, you might have to work in a deadline date or something. Like say that you need to know whether she is definitely coming so you can order flowers, BM dresses, etc., and apologize, but say that you need to know by X date in order to place the order(s).

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey - I sent the e-mail, and I did put in a deadline of April 9th, which is exactly 3 months before the wedding. I will post again with an update when I hear something...

Thanks so much for all the advice ladies.