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Bridesmaid drama :(

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Treasure43

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So yesterday I went shopping with one of my bridesmaids (of 3) and my maid of honor. We went dress shopping for me and then bridesmaid shopping for them. The plan was to just take a peek, but I happened to find my dresses and find the dresses that I wanted for my maid of honor and bridesmaids.

One of my bridesmaids wasn''t able to come and the other one (my fiance''s sister) was on vacation with his parents (we were there but left early so that I could see my one bridesmaid who was in town from Arizonna and get ready to go back to work on Monday). Anyway, the three of us spent a lovely day where we find my dress and then found their dresses. I figured David''s Bridal would be easiest since all the bridal party are from different states. The woman there told me they would be coming out with their spring lines soon and to ensure that everyone got the dresses, they should all order them 2 weeks-a month from now. They''re very simple, pretty, and inexpensive.

When we got home, I called my bridesmaid who wasn''t able to come and let her know the ordering details and she was thrilled we found something and said she''d go get hers. Then I called my future mother in law to tell her about finding my dress and the bridesmaids dresses. His sister was at the beach at the moment but FMIL said she''d let his sister know and have her call me back.

So one of my bridesmaids (the one all the way from Arizonna) and I are chatting and FI gets a call from his mother. He goes in the bedroom and shuts the door and I hear him telling her to calm down and that he doesn''t want to be in the middle of it. Turns out that when his sister found out I had choosen the dresses for the bridal party she threw a temper tantum and stormed to her room. This prompted my FMIL to call my FI and put him in the middle.

Nothing has been said to me by his mother or his sister and I''m irritated that they put him in the middle instead of coming to me. If she had an issue with me getting the dresses I really wish she would have called me and discussed it with me. She told FMIL she thinks I''m purposely leaving her out. I had told her beforehand that the reason I didn''t ask her to come was because I knew she was on vacation. Maybe I should have invited her anyway, but in a previous thread I mentioned that FI''s parents weren''t thrilled that FI and I left vacation early and I didn''t want them to be even more irritated if she and her husband were to leave also. Anyway, I thought I did the right thing but I guess not.

I''ve decided I''m going to craft her an e-mail and let her know that I didn''t mean to leave her out and explain what happened to her. I''m also going to give her the details about the dress and tell her I''m happy to go try it on with her if she wants.

I''m just wondering if I should nicely ask her in the future to go through me instead of getting everyone else involved because it creates tension between EVERYONE (including FI and I).
 
I''d just pick up the phone and call her and talk about it, give her a chance to express her feelings, and reassure her that you want her to be happy too. While you are talking you can also let her know that if she has any concerns or problems at all if she calls you you can work it out between you.
 
Date: 8/22/2009 11:35:14 PM
Author: MishB
I''d just pick up the phone and call her and talk about it, give her a chance to express her feelings, and reassure her that you want her to be happy too. While you are talking you can also let her know that if she has any concerns or problems at all if she calls you you can work it out between you.
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Ditto. Phone is better than email.
 
It''s a shame that FMIL is putting your FI in the middle, and it''s causing trouble between the two of you. I would recommend to your FI that he make it clear to his mom and sister that these things be discussed directly with you.

Second, I would strongly discourage you from writing her an email. There is a good chance that if she''s already upset with you, any email you send will be taken badly. In fact, since no one came to you directly I would not respond to this at all. If your FMIL or FSIL want to talk about it with you, they will contact you. I think that''s the best way to prevent your FILs from triangulating when they have an issue in the future.

Also, the fact that she threw an outright TANTRUM would make me reconsider including her in the bridal party. This shows that she''s more concerned about herself than she is about supporting you and FI on your special day.

You haven''t mentioned in your post what exactly they want you to do about this. Do they want an apology, or what? For the record IMVHO you have nothing to be sorry about. It''s your wedding, and you have to do things when they are convenient for you first and foremost.

I hope everything works out for you!
 
Yikes. Is this a teenager? Because I''m pretty sure she wouldn''t want YOU to know how brattily she behaved. Its the MIL who called up & essentially "told" on her. She''s probably embarrassed about how she acted & just wants the whole thing to go away. Why on earth would the Mom get all worked up about a little teen drama??? And try to bring your FI into it? THAT''s the craziest part to me.

I''d ask your FI to tell them that they need to speak to you directly ... that he won''t be burdening you with the DRAMZ. And go from there.

Dollars to donuts the chick is all "Oh its no big deal" when she SEES you or TALKS to you. Let her "save face". Must be hard to have an overprotective butt-in-sky NARC mom!
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Deco That was my thought after I posted - FMIL called on the sister''s behalf without being asked. Perhaps the sister didn''t want Treasure to know she was upset about anything.
 
I would just ignore, ignore, ignore.

You FI told them he didn''t want to be in the middle of it, but they are his family. And they didn''t call you. It was FMIL who called her son.

She knows where you are, so does FMIL, and they both know where to find you.

All I would do is tell FI that "I don''t want to be in the middle of it" is not acceptable. It''s his sister, his mom and HIS WEDDING. He''s middle. And you didn''t place him there. HE DID.

The rest... ignore. IF someone actually puts on their big girl pants and brings it up to you, then talk to them about it. And don''t start by defending yourself either. You didn''t do anything wrong. So like someone said, maybe FSIL didn''t want you to know... but who cares? Why spend your time pondering what is going on in her mind when she didn''t have the courtesy to address it directly with you. And if FMIL brings it up to you, tell her that you will only discuss it with FSIL, and that she needs to stay out of it as FSIL is your attendant, has a mouth and access to a phone and is perfectly able to bring it up to you herself. Do not play telephone. It never ends well.
 
Thanks for the replies! Great advice!

Actually she''s 28, NOT a teenager. A part of me thinks she WANTED her mother to call so she wouldn''t have to do it. She''s done things like this in the past where she gets upset at something he does and tries to get her mother in the middle. However, I don''t know what really happened because it''s third hand info. Just like playing telephone.

As far as I can tell, no one actually WANTED me to do anything, which makes this even more ridiculous. They just wanted to vent? Honestly I don''t know, since nothing has happened since and it''s been two days. I''m not sure at this point whether to just call her and let her know the info about the dress or whether I should nicely tell her on the phone that I''d appreciate her coming to me with wedding issues in the future. We''ve also decided we need to talk to his mother and let her know that we''d like his sister to convey her concerns to ME instead of though her, to FI, and then to me. Like someone said, she''s a big girl and she shouldn''t need her mother to be the person who solves conflicts for her.

I really want to nip this in the bud because I don''t want drama in my wedding. I''m sure more things will come up along the way and we need to have worked out how to COMMUNICATE the issues effectively. I''d seriously consider taking her out of the wedding but at this point that would cause more problems that it would solve. My other 3 bridal party members are so drama free but I know if she does something dramatic at the wedding my best friend will be blunt with her and tell her what''s up.
 
wow! what a big baby! it''s your day.... don''t let her get to you. i think it''s funny that she got so upset. LOL like it''s her wedding or something... i''m standing up in a wedding next june and my girlfriend picked out our dresses online and basically said that''s it. she didn''t even have any of us try it on. she loves the dresses so she doesn''t care how they look on us. LOL it doesn''t bother me at all. if she wanted me to wear a trash bag with a ribbon on her special day i would. anyway, just try to ignore your crazy in-laws. or if you would feel better talk to them about it. good luck hun :)
 
Geesh, some people are really a piece of work. Now I know what people mean when they mention bridesmaids drama. I agree with most of the posters that you should carry-on as if you didn''t hear about your bratty FSIL. I did the same thing as you and went shopping with my maid of honor and one bridesmaid (out of 6) to look for a dress for me and then for them. We ended up finding my dress and a complementing one for them. They liked it (or were okay with it) and that was it. I let the other 5 girls know and they''re on board. I''m no bridezilla by any means, but my girls knew when they agreed and said yes to being apart of MY wedding it was MY vision, MY decisions and that''s it. I wish you no more drama, at least until your wedding day. :)
 
At first I was assuming she was a teenager, but I see you mentioned husband. WOW! I agree picking up the phone and speaking to her will be best. If she still throws a fit, then I wouldn''t waste your time trying to please her as it''s obvious she''s not going to be happy no matter what.
 

I would ignore everything. My FMIL got upset with me one time because she misunderstood who was paying for FSIL''s dress - basically FSIL was in college and couldn''t afford it and I offered to split the cost with FMIL. FMIL thought I had agreed to pay for the whole thing, and somehow got upset about this

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Anyway, the point of this story is that FMIL cried to FI about it and never mentioned a word to me. I wish she would have come to me and we could''ve discussed it (if she couldn''t afford it, I would''ve just agreed to pay for the whole thing; not a big deal) but she didn''t come to me, so I never brought it up. If she had wanted to discuss it with me, she had the opportunity to do so, but she chose not to.


I think in situations like this you''re better off pretending it didn''t happen. If they wanted you to know or be involved with the problem, they would''ve talked to you. Instead, it sounds like they just wanted to vent to your FI. And I agree with Gypsy, your FI *is* in the middle of this because it''s his wedding and his family. Heck, in the future, you''ll probably be begging him to deal with his mom so that you don''t have to. Sometimes it''s better to let this stuff stay between mom and son and, as the wife, not get involved.

 
Ignore. She is a big girl, and it can be hard to assemble a group.
Don''t email, it can be passive aggressive. Just call, as you can carry over your sweet tone. Also, I don''t see why your FH won''t deal with it. Weddings can set the tone for future family relationships... so just chose your battles wisely.

My bride went with her other bridesmaids... picked out a gown they liked. The girls even complained so much about the COLOR the bride picked out that my friend changed her wedding scheme to accomodate the FSIL. (All the other girls have AMPLE bossoms, and the dress they picked looks great on them.) Flat chested me looks TERRIBLE in this dress, and I''ve had to have every part of it altered. The neck, the bust, (yeah didn''t want to give the audience a show) and the skirt. It is a buslted drop skirt with 3 linings. Did I tell any of this to the bride? NOPE. I said, OMG, the dress is lovely, and compliments your dress perfectly! WHY? Because it isn''t our place to stress out the bride. It ins''t our day. We are there to offer our love and support. I think she is using the I''m not included in stuff card to throw a fit. But if this is how she REALLY feels, then I''d try to invite her to something fun... like the cake tasting... or maybe ask her to help you with something? She can always say no. But be sure to provide all your bridesmaids with the other bridesmaids contact information... in case they wanted to plan a shower/bachelorette party - etc for you.. or need to chit chat about anything else.

best wishes to you!!!
 
So should I just call her and tell her the information about where and when to get the dress and leave it at that? My concern is that there might be more of this in the future (judging from past experience) and I don''t want this to create drama around the wedding or tension between FI and I. And I have a feeling it eventually will because I can see myself becoming frustrated with it.

We''re having an engagement party in the next month or two and they''ll all exchange their info there :)
 
Yes, I''d call and give her the information, and also say something like you hope she didn''t mind that you picked out the dresses without her, you hope she doesn''t feel excluded, it was just because of time constraints (or whatever), then drop it. Chances are she''ll say it''s no big deal, and if she doesn''t, that''s her problem.

Just make sure you keep it brief and friendly, and if she tries any passive aggressive games, just ignore them

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As for his mother, we were planning to meet with her today and just ask her if she has any issues in the future that I''m open to communication with her and her daughter. I don''t know if that''s the right move or not but I really don''t want to be dealing with this same issue three months down the road.
 
I think it''s a good move to meet with her and be clear about your expectations. If MIL or SIL take issue with something concerning you, then should come to you, instead of playing broken telephone with your FI, and expecting him to straighten you out (I think this is what MIL was trying to do when she called him about FSIL).

Aside from that, and this is especially important, they need to respect your decisions about your wedding. That is not to say they cannot question them, or suggest other options, but they need to do so respectfully without tantrums, constant pestering, or blackmail. Hopefully this will establish boundaries and make your life easier for years to come!
 
I decided that I''m going to call his sister and just give her the info. We''re going to hold off on talking to his mother. I''ve made it clear to FI that if this happens again there will be a serious chat with them and if that doesn''t work she''ll be out of the bridal party.
 
I''m glad you''re standing up for yourself, good for you, Treasure!
 
Update: I called FMIL today and asked her if we could meet and justclear the air. We had a lovely talk and she''s taking herself out of being in the middle and going to let FSIL and I deal with it. She did mention being slightly concerned because both FSIL and I are both strong willed in different ways....
 
Date: 8/26/2009 9:45:20 PM
Author: Treasure43
Update: I called FMIL today and asked her if we could meet and justclear the air. We had a lovely talk and she''s taking herself out of being in the middle and going to let FSIL and I deal with it. She did mention being slightly concerned because both FSIL and I are both strong willed in different ways....
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true and I''m glad your FMIL took it well... your FSIL needs to realize this is YOUR day (and your Fiances day) and she needs to suck it up stop being selfish and be a big girl.
 
Good work smoothing things over with MIL. Just make it clear that while FSIL is strong willed, it is not welcome, nor is it appropriate to display that trait when it comes to YOUR wedding. You mentioned that she was married, so this means she had the opportunity to have the wedding she wanted. It''s your turn now
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