bridesmaid issue

[ficklefaye]

i haven''t heard from one of my bridesmaids in weeks and i don''t know what to think, i''ve tried contacting her but i haven''t received a response back, i''m very disappointed because she is a good friend, but i just feel like she wants nothing to do with my wedding, has anyone ever asked someone to step down as a bridesmaid?

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t have any advice, but *hugs*.

 

[Prana]

I would at least give her the chance to explain her absence before you think about asking her to step down. Maybe she has something major going on right now. And always remember that while we think of our own weddings 24/7, the same is not true for most of our friends, loved ones and other people in our lives.

I''m sure there''s more to it than you are telling right now, but I would at least give her a chance to explain. Believe me, I know your frustration.

 

[ficklefaye]

thank you, ladypirate.

girlface, you are right. there is more to it, which is why i''ve been patiently waiting for her to get back to me. it''s just sometimes, i regret even asking her to be one of my bridesmaids in the first place and now with her not responding, it''s just amplified, she has time to post comments on twitter but doesn''t have time to contact me?

 

[cocolaw]

oh no! im sorry! that has to be really frustrating. is she going through a lot right now? my attendant/matron of honor (i only have one-small wedding) has a 6 month old baby, so i expect her to be a little distracted

. is she jealous that you are getting married? did she recently go through a bad breakup, or is she with a guy who won''t take it to the next level? hmmmm hugs!!!

 

[Black Jade]

I was unasked to be a bridesmaid.
Don''t expect to keep the friendship if you do this--it''s very hurtful.

 

[ficklefaye]

cocolaw & black jade, she and i have drifted apart for years, i asked her to be a bridesmaid for old times sake, but you are right i don''t want to lose her friendship by un-asking her to be a bridesmaid, i still value her friendship even if she doesn''t value mine

thank you so much for your responses

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/20/2009 10:48:12 PM
Author: ficklefaye
cocolaw & black jade, she and i have drifted apart for years, i asked her to be a bridesmaid for old times sake, but you are right i don't want to lose her friendship by un-asking her to be a bridesmaid, i still value her friendship even if she doesn't value mine

thank you so much for your responses

I think you've reached a good decision and I just want to make one comment. You have other BMs who ARE still involved, right?? Then let THEM be your support 'team' and when the other BM comes around, it will only be HER loss (of bonding time, etc.), and if the other BMs notice, it will also be HER embarassment. You know??

And, let me just say, I had a similar situation with my MOH. I made an awful mistake in asking her (it made complete sense at the time) and I just had to deal with it and try to not let it bother me. Even at the wedding, she wasn't very supportive or uplifting (I was upset about it raining and being so cold (our reception was outside under a tent) and I said so and she said to me "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything!" At MY wedding!! Isn't your MOH supposed to make you feel BETTER? Cheer you up? I mean, this is the day I'd been planning for for over a year...and you dream about it (even if not as obsessively as others do) since you're young...and it doesn't come out as you envisioned. AREN'T you allowed to be upset?!

)

I'm sorry!! End of rant. This isn't about me. I hope things go really well for you, Sweety, with the other BMs. Don't worry about this one. Like so many people have said (and I 100% agree): weddings show you who your true friends are.

 

[FrekeChild]

I was kind of unasked. It''s a long story. I will probably always harbor poor feelings towards that friend, even though I didn''t really want to be in it anyway. But ours was a different situation in which I planned too far ahead, made possibilities into probabilities and apparently she thought I wasn''t worth the trouble in the end. She had asked me a couple of days after getting engaged, and then there was a good 18 months before her wedding, in which my mom''s health deteriorated drastically. Meh. Bad memories.

Anyway, I did not go to her wedding. In a way I wish I had been able to, but it really wasn''t my decision to make (financial, and my dad wouldn''t pay for it).

 

[Nov2109]

I''m going through the same thing, at this exact moment with one of my bridesmaids. I had a sticky situation 3 best friends(two of which ive known since preschool) and another I''ve been friends with for about 10 years. I picked the friend I had known for 10 years to be my MOH, that way their was no choosing between the two ive known for 20 years!!

Bridesmaid #1 flipped out I didn''t ask her to be my MOH and gave me a guilt trip that made me cry, Bridesmaid #2 was just happy to be in the wedding and she has honestly been my sanity.

Bridesmaid #1 is apparently mad at me, she has not seen the bridesmaid dresses, nor my engagement ring(ive been engaged for 7 months). She had her measurments taken elsewhere, because she lives a whopping 45 minutes away and just cant make it down. I live 1.5 hours from the dress shop, I moved out of my parents house with FI due to a new job!

Bridesmaid dresses are in, MOH and the three other BMs are making it to the fitting, that was arranged around Bridesmaid #1''s schedule....she all of a sudden can''t make it...the fitting is this Thursday by the way!

After being really upset about her not showing up to anything that has to do with the wedding... BM #2 gave me great advice, I have 4 wonderful girls and a great Mom who all want to be part of my wedding and if BM#1 cant put her own selfish issues behind her than thats her problem.

Take it for what it is and don''t let anyone ruin your wedding planning process, its supposed to be one of the best times with great friends! She''s the only one who is missing out.

I''ve thought about asking her to "step down" but the drama that would come out of that just isnt worth it and I''d rather keep a friend of 20 years than lose one.

 

[tlh]

You asked her because she was your friend. unfortunately, no matter how happy we are for our friends, we all have our own lives. You said your friend is going through something right now... she may be hurt that YOU aren''t being a friend to HER. Try calling her or meeting for lunch to discuss HEr issues. Maybe she''ll turn around to be more understanding for your needs, and your wedding plans (and stresses). Unasking is a very hurtful thing, even demoting from MOH to bridesmaid has a sting to it. So just be careful. Friendships take years to build... just like your relationship with your fiancee. The wedding is just one day. One day for you and your future husband, and only one day for your friends. The marriage is going to last the rest of your lives... you''ll need a strong partner for that, and a great support system of family and friends who support your new unit.

Best wishes

 

[ficklefaye]

thank you everyone for your responses.

newsboysgrl & tlh, i do really appreciate the three other bms i have and they have been very helpful and supportive in the whole process, it just hurts because i''ve always been supportive to this friend, not just for her wedding, but in life, but you are right, it is not worth losing a friendship over one day

frekechild, i will try to contact her again because now i''m worried she might have some issues i''m unaware of

nov2109, sorry to hear about your bm troubles, who knew something like choosing a moh or bm would be so stressful? i knew someone who was so upset about not being a bm at her friend''s wedding, that she didn''t invite her when she got married, talk about holding grudges

 

[charbie]

I totally feel for you! It''s such an exciting time, and you know it''s not the easiest to ask every person to be in the wedding, and hope they will be just as overjoyed for being asked that you are for asking them. My advice would be to approach her, see what''s going on, and make sure this is still something she wants to be apart of. Maybe she doesn''t have finances and doesn''t feel comfortable with all that can come with being in the wedding. Be frank and honest, because in the end the day does need to be about you, and a friend who is willing to ruin it, even unwittingly, isn''t worth being a friend in the long run.

I actually had a BM ask to step-down. I asked her because we had been super close in high school, and stayed pretty close, and I wanted friends who had stood by me through all the different times in my life. She said yes, and then said, "Wait, when is the wedding? I''m in another one the next week." But said she could still do it. Right away it felt kind of awkward. Well then a few months later (after shoes and dresses were ordered) she sent me a really long email (NOT EVEN PHONE CALL!) explaining that they might have the bachelorette party for her other friend the weekend of my wedding, and that all of her other friend''s BM''s were out of town so she was taking on a lot of duties. I was crushed that she would go to a party over my wedding, and told her just that. Plus all of my BM''s are out of town as well. I told her that it was more important that she be at my wedding, whether she was an attendant or not. I basically swallowed my pride, and figured I wanted my girls to be the ones who were going to stick by ME through and through. I asked another friend of mine (she didn''t know who was in the wedding, had no idea she was "second choice") and she got her dress and everything right on time. She was so ecstatic, so honored, and it felt "right" having her in the wedding, I wish I would have asked her in the first place!!!! It all worked out, luckily, and our friendship was saved.

 

[Lanie]

One of my MOH''s was nonexistant for many months during my engagement. Now she''s my "best friend". Thank God I have the other and more real MOH, or it would have been a rough road. She can be hot and cold with me, so I just let it go. After the wedding, who knows what will happen with us, but as of right now, she''s super excited about the wedding.

Could be a big number of reasons. If you don''t need to hear from her in a couple more weeks (and you don''t need to contact her for any concrete reason), I would give her another call or write her an email. Ask friends of hers...they might know something that is up.

Always remember that your wedding is on your mind all the time, and everyone else has a life. I don''t mean that in a mean way at all...I have to tell myself this too!

 

[ficklefaye]

charbie, i''m glad it worked out with your other friend

lanie, haha, i guess i just have to take a moment to breathe now and then from all this wedding madness

i left her a voicemail earlier today, so hopefully she calls me back, thank you for your responses