Bridesmaid issues.

[Amzizzle]

Ok, so of course it''s about the dresses! I''m pretty laid back and told the girls I would pick a color and fabric,then we would find brands,salons,whatever to suit them.

I sent them an e-mail about a month ago with a link to the knot.com and said hey go look at dresses and send me pics of designers and dresses you like,the more the better.

So two weeks later my maid of honor sends me one dress that only comes in one color,and does not suit the other bridesmaid at all
(one girl prefers thicker straps,the other strapless) and says "I think this will suit everyone,and I like it".She only gave me one option and I said in the email and in the past I wanted both girls to give me multiple so it would be easier for me to find a cohesive look while making them comfortable.I also said in the email I had not decided if they were going to wear green or brown,and the dress only came in brown...I kind of felt like she was saying all the things I should have been saying and the dress thing kind of got taken out of my control.

How do I address this without fighting,or making it a big thing? any advice?

 

[caribqueen]

It sounds like you have two bridesmaids, but I''m not really sure. If that''s the case, can you decide what color you''d like them to wear and find a designer/brand yourself that offers dresses in both styles they like - one with thicker straps and one that is strapless? Then just tell them that you''ve selected the color and designer that you''d like them to wear and ask them to pick the style that suits them. In the end, aren''t you''re supposed to make the final decision?

 

[elrohwen]

I would not expect your BMs to come up with the dress choices. It's your wedding, so I think you need to find pictures and send to the BMs to see what they think. Then you can discuss what they like/dislike about each and go from there.

If you were going to take them to a salon to look at real dresses, then yes, maybe they could pick out what they like, but I think it's asking too much of them to spend time on the internet dress hunting.

 

[lucyandroger]

Maybe she''s sending them to you one at a time as she finds them. I don''t think there''s any need to make this an awkward situation.

I would just write back something like this: "What a cute dress! Unfortunatley [other bridesmaid] prefers straps/strapless and this one only comes in brown. Maybe we can find a similar one in a designer that has more options."

 

[Amzizzle]

I do know the approach is odd,but they were both So picky and were so different,that I thought they might want to just show me.

I do like the designer she chose (J.Crew).It''s just the fabric she chose didn''t give the other bridesmaid a lot of options (by the way there are only two) I just didn''t want the other girl to feel hampered by my maid of honors only choice.

The thing is their body types are even opposite one girl is 6ft. tall the other 5ft. One is slender and the other more curvy. I especially know they both want to hide what they see as flaws in themselves,and I would never want them to be uncomfortable.It just kind of felt like the maid of honor was making all the decisions without consulting and kind of doing it passive aggressively at that.

 

[choro72]

You may think you are being laid back, but it's actually easier on your bridesmaids if you gave instructions. Ask them what their budget is. Find one, and tell them what to get. Or just say "green, knee length, chiffon, rest is up to you".

ETA. By "rest is up to you", I'm implying that it wouldn't matter if the dresses aren't the same. i.e. different store, different brands. If you are planning on having them wear identical dress, it's much easier on everyone if you just picked one.

ETA2. Don't worry too much about your MOH. I think you're taking it too seriously. She doesn't strike me as being controlling.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:56:27 PM
Author: choro72
You may think you are being laid back, but it''s actually easier on your bridesmaids if you gave instructions. Ask them what their budget is. Find one, and tell them what to get. Or just say ''green, knee length, chiffon, rest is up to you''.

ETA. By ''rest is up to you'', I''m implying that it wouldn''t matter if the dresses aren''t the same. i.e. different store, different brands. If you are planning on having them wear identical dress, it''s much easier on everyone if you just picked one.

ETA2. Don''t worry too much about your MOH. I think you''re taking it too seriously. She doesn''t strike me as being controlling.

Ditto all of this. From what you said I didn''t get the impression that you MOH was being controlling. You told her to pick a dress she liked and she''s done that - it''s really not her job to consider if it comes in different colors, fabrics, etc. That''s your job.

 

[monarch64]

Amzizzle, I think you gave them too many choices. It''s like giving a dog too many toys (everything becomes a toy then) or giving a 5 year old too many food choices for snack time. Overwhelming. Narrow it down to a few styles yourself, pick the color, pick the fabric, and present them 2-3 choices. That''s it.

 

[Amzizzle]

Wow,I didn''t know I came off as such a jerk.thanks for the advice.I think I''m just going to tell them whatever neckline,chocolate brown,silk chiffon.

 

[megumic]

I don''t think you came off as a jerk at all. If anything, you were merely trying to be as considerate as possible to their own tastes, styles, comfort, etc. But I think what others are trying to say is that it''s your wedding and the MOH and BM probably just want to make sure that you like what they choose.

What you suggested - whatever neckline, chocolate brown, silk chiffon - sounds like the perfect idea that will make everyone happy. I am doing the same with my two MOH''s and four BM''s - choosing the fabric and color and let them choose the style.

Good luck!

 

[cally]

You don''t come off as a jerk at all! You sound like you''re just trying to be super accommadating, which is nice. It is just easier in situations like this to give more guidance... if I had a friend give me full reign, I''d probably stress about picking something wrong and overthink it to the extreme. I think your chocolate brown, whatever neckline, silk chiffon is a good direction to give. Also include if you want a certain hemline.

 

[elrohwen]

You definitely weren''t being a jerk! I actually think you were being too nice. It seems nice to let people choose to wear whatever they want, but really, I think they just want you to pick something (or at least narrow it down to a couple choices). People are lazy - fact of life - and it''s much less overwhelming if they have less choices. Though it was very nice of you to give them so many options! I''m sure they appreciate it, even if they don''t really want to look through tons of dress pictures.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Unfortunately you were too nice, and now you''re paying the price. It''s YOUR day, not hers. She agreed to be your bridesmaid and that entails wearing whatever you want her to, within reason of course. I would pick some dress choices that you like, that you think will look good on them, and then let them chose from there. And if your bridesmaid has the nerve to get huffy with you after you being so nice, then you have my full permission to smack her.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:56:27 PM
Author: choro72
You may think you are being laid back, but it''s actually easier on your bridesmaids if you gave instructions. Ask them what their budget is. Find one, and tell them what to get. Or just say ''green, knee length, chiffon, rest is up to you''.


ETA. By ''rest is up to you'', I''m implying that it wouldn''t matter if the dresses aren''t the same. i.e. different store, different brands. If you are planning on having them wear identical dress, it''s much easier on everyone if you just picked one.


ETA2. Don''t worry too much about your MOH. I think you''re taking it too seriously. She doesn''t strike me as being controlling.

Ditto this. You''re not being a jerk at all - more like one of those super-nice parents who think they''re doing their kids a favour by not laying down rules, but are actually creating havoc and breeding little monsters

Tell them what you want (within their budget), and tell them to get it.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Perhaps, you can pick a color, fabric and designer - let each of your bridesmaid to pick whatever design they wanted. This way they can ge the design they want. I gave my bridesmaid a list of 10 choices - of course .. each of them loved the one they picked and hated what the other person picked. I am just going to pick a dress and be the end of it - excuse .. I am sorry I am a pain but it''s my wedding and you guys can''t come to consensus so I am picking to save us from my conflicts - you can all just hate me

 

[Amzizzle]

Thanks for reassuring me I''m not a jerk! I did talk to the girls today (in person) so that things were clear.

I told them that J.crew is coming out with a new line I believe May 1st and the lookbook will be up on the page sooner then that.I said we will wait until then to chooses there dresses but that they will still be able to choose any neckline in chocolate brown,and that I would decide on a fabric once the look book was put up.

They seemed very cool with that situation.yay!

 

[elrohwen]

I think you handled it really well - I''m sure they''ll appreciate having their options narrowed down and it''ll be easier on you.