Bridesmaid Situation

[TWiNKfly]

What do you guys think about this situation?

First of all, HI! I just got engaged this month, and am really excited to start hanging out here to get ideas from all of you. My fiance and I have not set a date yet, but we are trying to pick a venue and then hopefully get the ball rolling. Already, however, I have a little snag, so I wanted to get your opinions on it.

Here''s the situation: my younger brother has been dating a girl for two years, on and off. She is two years younger than me, and in the two years we''ve gotten really close. He loves her, but they break up a sometimes, like H.S./college couples often do. I LOVE her, we get along great. My parents/family loves her, and she loves us. However, the problem lies in the fact that I don''t know if they will be dating for our wedding next summer. It seems like a lose/lose scenario.

SCENARIO ONE: I ask her to be a bridesmaid, and she and my brother break up three months before the wedding. OR he stays with her out of pity for me (I don''t want that).

SCENARIO TWO: I don''t ask her to be a bridesmaid, and she and my brother keep dating, and she is heartbroken because she wasn''t asked. She''s told me she really wants to be one, and I know she''s hoping I''ll ask her. It would be awful to have her not in the wedding if they were dating, and I know she''d be really hurt. She''s never really had a family before (her mother was an alcoholic, Dad got remarried and doesn''t really include her in his new family) so we are the closest thing she''s got.

This is so complicated! What would you do?

 

[KimberlyH]

Have a chat with your brother and tell him that you would love to ask her to be a bridesmaid but due to the nature of their relationship (you can say this gently, that they''re BF/GF and therefore not permanent fixtures in one anothers'' lives, without mentioning the multiple break ups/make ups) you are concerned that there may be an issue down the road. See how he feels about it and go from there. Do you stay in touch with her when they are in an "off" period?

 

[So_happy]

My brother and his girlfriend are sort of in the same boat. They''ve been together for 3yrs but they have broken up twice (once for a couple months). They are somewhat young (23 and 20) but live together now and we all really like her. When they were broken up I must admit we didn''t continue chatting on the phone or email as we might have had prior to the breakup. I too was worried about the scenario you''re worried about now and in some ways still am. But I asked her anyway. And she''s been fantastic!

The way I look at it, I didn''t want to not ask her because of something that might happen. I figure if they break up and things are too uncomfortable for her or my brother, she can choose to step down if she needs to. We will all understand completely and I am not going to worry about the uneven factor one bit. And I trust her to make the right decision for her if that time comes.

Have you known her long? If not, perhaps you could "get away" with not asking her and give her the reason that while you would have loved to, you had to have your 2/3/4/ whatever best friends from college etc because you all have known each other thru everything? Then, think of something really important (and non-bridesmaidy) to do instead?

 

[bee*]

I''d definitely talk to your brother and just check what he says. I know he can''t guarantee that they will be together this time next year, but he might give you some indication of how things are.

Congratulations on your engagment also!

 

[akw94]

I''d probably ask her. If you want to ask her now, that really is all you can base it on. If things change and they breakup, then you''ll have to deal w/it then. I do think that talking to your brother first is probably a good idea but if he says yes, then go for it.
Good luck and Congratulations!

 

[swingirl]

My advice is do NOT have her as your bridesmaid. She may eventually become part of your family but if she does not, her picture will be in you wedding album for EVER as your "brother''s old girlfriend". She most likely will not remain your good friend if she and your brother break-up and marry others. They are not an engaged couple with future plans, they are DATING and your must treat them as such.

Lots of young girls love the romantic idea of being in a wedding...the dress, the party, the excitment, the feeling that marriage is reality for THEMSELVES. But attendants should be picked because YOU have a connection with them, not just because they are dating a family member. And you should not feel guilty for excluding her. She is a friend of the family that everyone "loves", but she is not permanent. She will attend as a guest anyway...if she is still in the picture. And it would be extremely awkward if they broke up between now and then especially once a dress is ordered! Then you''d have to ask someone else to replace her...VERY AWKWARD for you.

 

[firebirdgold]

You certainly don''t have to ask anyone to be your bridesmaid yet! Wait until you have a date, a budget, an idea of the size and style of the wedding, and a location! What you want in a wedding might change as you get farther along in the process. After all you don''t want to commit to a wedding with 6 BM''s and end up with only 50 guests. That''s just weird. And trust me, you really don''t want to have to tell people that they''re not going to be your BM''s afterall!


Basically, just buy yourself more time. Perhaps once things are farther along with your wedding planning it''ll also be a bit clearer where your brother and his gf are headed.

Besides, you can always ask her to do something important in the wedding like a reading instead of being a BM.

 

[lehcarm]

I agree with swingirl. I wouldn''t ask someone to be in my wedding unless I was fairly certain that they would be in the family for a LONG time. Is there some other wedding related job that you could put her in charge of? She could be a personal attendant. That way she would get to hang with all the bridesmaids without the pressure of actually being one. Or you could ask her to do a reading during the ceremony. One of my friends was recently asked to be an usherette at one of her friends weddings. I''m sure there are plenty of options that will still make her feel included.

 

[Fancy605]

If you think the 2 of you will be friends regaurdless of her relationship with your brother, then it would be safe to ask her. But, if you think that if their relationship were to end perminately then your friendship would probably faed away or become too complicated, then I wouldn''t ask her. I wouldn''t want to be looking at my wedding pictures with someone years down the road and have someone say, "Who''s this?" and have to reply, "Oh, that was a girl my brother dated years ago. But we haven''t spoken since they broke up." To me, your bridesmaids should be the people who will have a huge part in your life no matter what the circumstances.

 

[biblobaggins23]

i personally, would not make her a bridesmaid unless they are engaged or married. i think if they break up, that would cause resentment on your part. not to mention the possibility of a lot of tension before, during, and after your wedding and the end of a friendship.

maybe there is a cousin or childhood friend or someone you greatly admire and respect that could take her place?

 

[gailrmv]

I would decide based on your relationship w/ her independant of your brother (since they are not engaged.) Do you consider her a close friend, as close as the other people you will have as bridesmaids? If so, ask her! If not, I wouldn''t, and I don''t think you need to explain it to her. If she is truly your own close friend, you will probably not regret the choice even if she and your brother do not last.

 

[cara]

I would just casually ask bro how things are with his gf. Of they are good, I would just ask her! That said, I also don''t care if the sides match exactly at my wedding. And, I am assuming from your description that you are friends with her outside of strictly her relationship with your brother. If thats the case, ask away.