bridesmaid to be...how to address financial concerns...

[parrot tulips]

Background info: Two of my best friends recently got engaged, and both asked me to be a bridesmaid in their respective weddings while we were at a group gathering last night (both would likely take place in the second half of next year). I accepted, but the reality of the cost is suddenly hitting me. Both are in very comfortable financial situations, so it almost always escapes their attention that I am not. Example - I was a bridesmaid for one of them before, who was very well aware my finances were super tight. She still chose $500 (plus alterations) dresses, insisted on profesional hair, make-up, and nails, specific jewelry, specific shoes, not to mention it was a destination wedding (Hawaii isn''t cheap) and all the party/gift costs.

Is there a tactful/non-guilt-inducing way of letting the brides to be know that I''d love to be there for them, but that I''m concerned about costs? They have champagne and caviar taste, and with trying to pay down debt and not having a huge earning capacity, the prospect of spending 1 1/2-2 months salary to be there for 2 of my friends is making me anxious. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated. Thank you.

 

[hikerchick]

Your post says it all very well. Leave out the story about the past wedding and add a few lines reinforcing how much you love them and want to be there for them but explain that the costs are going to be a constant issue . . . maybe even offer to decline being a bridesmaid and offer instead to do a reading and help with wedding related stuff.

 

[parrot tulips]

Oh, I wouldn''t bring up "old ghosts" so to speak. It''s in the past, and in the end, everyone enjoyed themselves at the wedding, so there''s no point in making anyone feel bad.

I guess my main concern is that history will repeat itself, and the brides will become so swept up in the whole bridal experience, that they''ll forget about the costs they''re not personally incurring, and they''ll start daydreaming...and then almost expecting...something much more extravagant than some budgets can afford (these are girls who don''t flinch at buying a pair of Manolos, Jimmy Choos, and Christian Laboutins, all in the same shopping trip). I would have tried graciously declining, but since I tend to be the more "together" of our group of friends (we''re a close-knit 4-some), most of the typical MOH duties (not just bridesmaid) would have fallen to me regardless. Hmmm...I suppose it''s just a matter of summoning the courage to have a heart-to-heart. It''s a little...humbling to have to say you can''t do X, Y, and Z for your friends because you can''t afford to.

 

[jcrow]

i would be upfront and honest about the situation.
and the sooner the better.

 

[neatfreak]

I would be honest with her about it if you can.

While I certainly am not in the same crowd as your friends, we're comfortable financially. But my best friend (and MOH) is also a graduate student, but not nearly as comfortable financially as my Fi and I. So, when I asked her, I specifically let her know that I didn't expect anything more than for her to show up. I'm paying for her hotel as part of her gift, I didn't force her to get a new dress, or makeup. She is paying for the flights and that's pretty much it. I also am not expecting any big showers, parties, etc.

So, personally I think that your MOH/Bridesmaids are MUCH MUCH more important as people than having all the fluff. I would much rather have her there in jeans without makeup than not have her there at all ya know? So if you mean as much to this bride as I expect that you do, she'll understand if you just let her know your situation. The way you worded it in your post is great, and she really SHOULD be very understanding especially if she's a good friend.

 

[LauraLoo]

A $500 bridesmaid dress?!?!?!?!
In that case I think the bride should be doing the approaching to make sure the bridesmaids are comfortable with it.

Maybe I have bargain tunnel vision, but I don''t think I have ever seen a $500 bm dress. Further to that, if my wedding was so extravagant that I needed $500 bm dresses, I would be paying for them myself.

Sorry, not so helpful. Just my .02

 

[surfgirl]

tulip, if I were you, I''d simply call them both and explain that while you are touched that they want you in their wedding party, and got caught up in the emotion of the moment in saying yes, you realize in retrospect, that right now you really cannot take on the added financial responsibilities that come with being a BM, and that you would prefer to simply enjoy their day as a guest. That way, if they want to offer to pay for your dress, shoes, etc. (remember, it''s not just a dress - it''s shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup depending on the bride...) so you can be in the wedding, it''s their choice. If they dont offer then just let it go and be happy you dont have to spend hard earned money you dont have on some heinous dress you''ll never wear again and will probably hate anyway!

But speak up now...dont wait.

 

[parrot tulips]

Thank you all so much for your considerate responses. While I''m certain my friends (there are 2 of them getting married next year, and both want me in their weddings) wouldn''t want to make me feel unduly burdened, I think they will have a very hard time not getting carried away by grand visions of huge tented weddings, Vera Wang gowns, etc., and expecting the bridesmaids pay for all the usual bridesmaid costs in line with those grand visions. I guess I won''t know until I say something to them, though.

I think I just got a little nervous because my sisters are currently bridesmaids for a childhood friend''s wedding (who is normally soooo mellow and laid back)...and...well, let''s just say there were tears, screaming, and a conference call, complete with an 800 dial-in number and passcodes involved because the bride misunderstood something. Yikes!

 

[monarch64]

Gosh, this is a tough situation for you to be in. I wonder if you could offer your support and services some other way besides being a BM? I'll give you an example from my wedding, first a little background: long story short, I had moved to Chicago where I knew no one except my DH, moved in with him and gotten engaged in the span of less than two years, not enough time to make BM type friends. When we got engaged and chose a date, I chose my two best friends from college/back home, and my SIL to be BM's because I knew no matter where we ended up I would always know them and keep in touch with them. But along the way, I made two very good friends, one through work, and one outside of work, who I wished could've been BM's but I didn't want to lay that "burden" on people I had known less than a year... the gal I made friends with through work was actually the visual merchandiser of the store I managed, and I knew she would be great at helping with getting the reception venue set up, overseeing centerpieces, where the guest book was placed, placecards, etc. The other gal was my left arm, so to speak, she brought in champagne for mimosas the morning of the wedding when I was getting dressed, helped me with several un-anticipated things, and generally was a great help in keeping me calm. (my mother had spent the night in the ER before the wedding and we didn't think she was going to make it to the ceremony, but she did

) Both gals came to my shower and bachelorette party, and I shared all my details with them in planning the wedding, and was forever grateful for their input. I think they both were glad they didn't have to worry about the financial aspects of being a full-out BM, and that made everyone happy. I still keep in touch with one of them who lives in the area, the other one took a job in another state and I haven't heard from her for awhile. Moral of the story is, maybe you can be a gal Friday instead of a BM so you can share in the experiences of your good friends without having to pony up all that dough.

If your two friends know you very well, they will have probably thought about your financial situation not being as comfy as theirs, and hopefully they have thought about how to make you comfortable and not put you out too much...but I wouldn't count on it. Brides do get carried away, you're right, and before you know it you'll have a mile long list of expenses. I really hope this works out for you in a positive way, keep us posted, and if you need further assistance or to just vent, we're here!

ETA: Not to toot my own horn, hee hee, but I was one of those brides who let the girls choose their dresses at the salon, which ended up being beautiful and only cost $80, plus I let them find their own shoes since the dresses were floor-length, and I paid for their hair and let them do their own makeup. They all looked gorgeous and I don't regret anything about it. I would, however, regret knowing that they had to go into debt over my wedding...

 

[diamondfan]

I always think honesty is the best policy. You can be gracious, but just mention that you would never want to influence them in a direction other than what they want, so you feel it best to be upfront about what you can and cannot afford. Many brides get so caught up that they just do not think about the realities for others, it is usually not meant in any awful way, but it can really put a burden on people. If either of them could pay for things for you, because they want you to participate and can easily remove the financial burden for you, would that be okay with you?