budget talks

[akw94]

I''ve been thinking lately, that while i''m doing all this searching for the ring of my liking, I really have no idea how much the bf is planning to spend or can afford. I am trying to look w/in reason, but who knows if my idea of reasonableness is his. I just feel weird asking him much money is he able to spend? I know some of you have had this talk. How did you do it? How did he take to you asking?
Thanks!

 

[allycat0303]

We always discuss our finaces so it wasn`t a problem. Actually, I was much more conservative then he was with budget. Well I think the first thing is have you discussed engagement? Does he want to surprise you with a ring he picked out himeself? If he doesn`t then I don`t think there`s anything wrong with bringing it up.

I guess decide what you want first, and then check out the prices.. you must have a feeling due on debt/house payments etc., how much would be TOO much. Tell him that`s what you would like, but that you want to know what he feels comfortable spending, and come to a common ground. I think there`s a lot more embarassing things that are talked about in marriage then budget for an e-ring. Good luck!

 

[akw94]

Allycat, we''ve talked about engagement to some extent. I know we want to get married sometime before summer 08 so I guess that leaves....well....ok, it leaves quite a bit of possible time for the proposal to occur. We''ve talked about rings a little, he''s told me to get an idea of what I like. I''ve sent him a few links. Yesterday I sent him a link and he responded by saying that he''ll have to take back the one he got me since I like this other style and good thing he hadn''t asked me yet. HAHA! He''s going to drive me a little crazy.

We''ve talked about going to look but haven''t made definite plans. There''s an antique show next month that I told him about so I can get a feel for what I like, if I actually like that style on my finger. I don''t know if he''d be ok w/me picking out the actual ring or not. We haven''t gotten that far.
But actually bringing up the $, I don''t know why it feels weird to me. You''re right, that is a small thing in comparison. Maybe I can bring it up when we start looking together. I kind of want to know now though so I am only looking in that range. I don''t want to set expectations that can''t be met.

 

[sumbride]

I''m wondering about this too. That whole marketing campaign about two months salary seems ridiculous to me... until I start pricing rings I like... then it starts to kind of make sense... except that I just don''t think I can stomach him paying that much when we''re both still working on some debts from our poorer days. I have a feeling that he would just bite the bullet and do it, but he''s also very frugal about certain things... sure, he''ll drop $3000 on season tickets for his favorite football team, but when I wanted to buy a $500 couch a couple weeks ago for our office he said "well, let''s keep looking around..." and I''m thinking, "Is he insane? It''s HALF price!"

he bought me a lovely pendant a few years ago that was just over $200. I remember him remarking about how much it cost, and it is the most expensive piece he''s bought me thus far... everything else has been a lucky bargain... but it seems like a HUGE jump that the next piece he buys me will be $4-6k! YIKES.

 

[JenStone]

I was always curious as to how much my boyfriend would budget, but I never had the guts to ask. Then our friends started getting engaged left and right and suddenly it seemed like everywhere we went, people were talking about diamonds, how much that rings cost, etc. After a night like that, I asked him, "Can you believe so-and-so paid 20k for a ring?" and he said, "Isn''t that the average price for engagement rings these days?"

Just to note, most of these people are corporate lawyers, investments bankers, etc so they can afford $20k.

Nonetheless, my jaw dropped. Well, if he thinks that''s what the average price is...

Just kidding. I told him I thought $20k was way too high for a piece of jewelry.

Amy94, do you have friends who are getting engaged? If so, just bring it up casually like I did, and see how he responds.

 

[sunkist]

I haven''t breached this subject with my BF either. We''ve talked about rings, we''re going to decide on the ring together, so far I''ve been doing all the research on what I like and it comes to just below his 2 month salary. He knows how much the diamond I want is and he seemed fine with that. But he doesn''t yet know how much the setting I want is, and I''m a little nervous that he''ll think it''s unreasonable. So I''m looking for other options

But to be getting the ring of my dreams, I don''t think it''s unreasonable!

Within the next couple weeks we''re going to go window shopping at some stores to get more of a feel of what we both like, and I think that''s when the subject of price will come up. I think he''ll bring up the subject though because he''s so concerned with the finances. I''m just trying to finding a range of settings that I love that will fit into the budget he wants to spend!

 

[akw94]

Sumbride, my bf is definitely not a big spender, so it is hard for me to imagine him spending too much also. When I look at the setting I seem to like these days, it''s about $1000 and the stone is about $3000. I know that''s not a huge amount as far as rings go, but $4000 sure feels like a huge amount of $ to me, especially when I''m not sure how in the world he''d come up w/that much. I have no idea if he''s saved, although we have talked about expenses since we''re moving in together and he never mentioned any sort of "other" money. I totally understand that "huge jump" concept. I certainly don''t feel like he''s cheap, but I have no idea if we''re on the same page here.
Jen, I wish I knew others getting engaged. But that is a good way to bring it up. I''ll have to give that some thought. The problem is, we''ve been talking about rings lately so it wouldn''t be out of the ordinary to bring it up, I just don''t want him to take offense or feel that it''s his thing or whatever it is that guys feel about this.

 

[akw94]

Sunkist, it makes sense to me too to bring it up when trying on rings. That way he can see what I like, the price will be told to us and I can gauge his expression. I''ll prob. have to actually ask him what he thinks about the price and take it from there. I don''t why this is making me so nervous!

 

[icekid]

Well, it wasn''t tough for me to talk about with my fiance really. We live together, and I know his finances and how much money he makes. I also know that I am in med school which is ridiculously freaking expensive, so I didn''t want to spend TOO much on the ring since we really want a house sooner than later. I think trying on rings would certainly be a good time to bring it up, since then he can see what you can get at different prices and go from there.

 

[anchor31]

J told me his budget when we went ring shopping, as the salespeople kept asking and I was like: "I don''t know." It does help a lot to know that.

 

[amyg]

BF and I looked online at rings first in the very preliminary stages just to get an idea of what I liked, and I already had an idea of what I thought was an ok amount to spend , so when were looking I was like that''s to much or that''s not enough, and he would either agree or disagree and so I figured out that he was thinking a little higher than me, but not much so it was pretty easy...Let him do the navigating and you''ll see what he has in mind as far as price...at least thast''s what worked for me...I felt uncomfortable asking him straight out too...it is after all more of a gift than anything else...hope this helps!!

 

[akw94]

Thanks Icekid, Anchor and Amyg.
It sounds like ring shopping is the way to go. I was hoping he''d comment on some of the links I sent him in terms of price, but I didn''t get a response. I asked how he liked them and we just talked about style. I would hope that if the thinks it''s too much, he''d tell me! I''m probably asking for too much. Of course, not sure he knows what sort of diamond i''d like either so he may not be thinking of that. I did try to send him rings that went with a particular size stone so he''d have an idea. When searching through PS, I was amazed at how different prices are than on other sites. I hope he''s open to buying from there.

 

[lulutheleo]

My BF and I talked about budget when we went looking and trying on rings too. Although, we always teased each other before he seriously took me looking. I told him that he should spend about as much as he would spend on a new car, because my ERing is going to last a lot longer than any car we buy! And he always teased that his price range would cover CZ! Whatever. But, in all honesty, when we went to look, we fell into the 3-4K range of budget, that''s something that he can afford, and it will get me a beautiful ring. Also, as I have see in many of these postings, you always have to leave room for upgrades, right? I think you should look at style, cut, what you really like, and then when you go looking together, (or drop hints about what you want!) then you can talk budget.

My parents have a wonderful engagement ring story -- when they first got married they were pretty poor, so my mom had a tiny chip of a diamond in a setting that made it look larger. She wore that for 20 years, and then when they had their 20 year anniversary, my dad was able to steal her ring for a week, (she worked in a daycare, so she wouldn''t wear her ring because she had to wash her hand so much) got a larger stone put in her ring and had the chip mounted in his ring! I think that is just so sweet.

 

[akw94]

Date: 3/16/2006 3:46:56 PM
Author: lulutheleo
My BF and I talked about budget when we went looking and trying on rings too. Although, we always teased each other before he seriously took me looking. I told him that he should spend about as much as he would spend on a new car, because my ERing is going to last a lot longer than any car we buy! And he always teased that his price range would cover CZ! Whatever. But, in all honesty, when we went to look, we fell into the 3-4K range of budget, that''s something that he can afford, and it will get me a beautiful ring. Also, as I have see in many of these postings, you always have to leave room for upgrades, right? I think you should look at style, cut, what you really like, and then when you go looking together, (or drop hints about what you want!) then you can talk budget.

My parents have a wonderful engagement ring story -- when they first got married they were pretty poor, so my mom had a tiny chip of a diamond in a setting that made it look larger. She wore that for 20 years, and then when they had their 20 year anniversary, my dad was able to steal her ring for a week, (she worked in a daycare, so she wouldn''t wear her ring because she had to wash her hand so much) got a larger stone put in her ring and had the chip mounted in his ring! I think that is just so sweet.

Lulu, I would actually be ok if his budget is smaller. Although i''d very much like what I want, I don''t want to put too much burden on him and don''t want to start our life together putting him in serious debt. So we''ll see. I am open; I just want him to know that w/o him taking it as though i''m pressuring him. Wouldn''t it be nice if he could just volunteer the info...
That is a really sweet story about your parents. Very sentimental!

 

[lulutheleo]

I think that''s awesome, Amy. And yes, it would be nice to just have him volunteer the information! That would make this so much easier. I''m sure you guys will figure it out.

I just love my parent''s story. It''s great, and it reminds me what marriage is all about -- the committment, not just the ring!

 

[lilmaria]

I am a cautious buyer, whereas my bf goes in, gets what he likes and walks out...not with this much money. I asked him for a range so that I could research my options. I think he''s holding out a bit and may surprise me, but who knows. As long as its the best his money can buy, I''ll be happy. I just dont want him to get ripped off, if you know what I mean. Can u go with that angle? Is he similar to my bf?

 

[Patchee]

I feel you Amy! Although we just go past the "talk" stage I don;t think I could even begin to talk ring finance! Heck, took some of us long enough to just talk marriage!

I cannot be of much help to you because I feel just how you do!

 

[akw94]

Date: 3/16/2006 5:20:10 PM
Author: Virginia
Well, when BF and I met we just knew that we were the ones for each other. I got a budget out of him pretty quickly, but it was very natural. We talk openly about everything so it was just another thing. I would look online with him at some rings/stones and get a feel for what he has to say. Or you could try starting out asking what size ring his mother/sister has etc. and what he thinks is appropriate.

Hope that helps! You will be ok. You guys are planning to move in together, right? Better open the lines of communication now, girl!

Virginia, we really do talk about most everything but he''s never volunteered financial information, and I don''t like to push. He always answers if I ask and we''re both kinda quiet so neither of us ask just to ask. That sort of stuff hasn''t come up until recently, when we began talking #''s for buying a place. It just seems hard to ask him how much $ he will be spending on a ring for me, when I don''t even know when he''s planning to propose. But given what everyone has said, I think i''m making more out of it than necessary. I have shown him some rings and he comments on style but never on price. I could assume that means he''s fine w/whatever i''m choosing but I hate to assume. He never says he''s annoyed when I bring stuff up so I will just go ahead and ask.

Lil, he isn''t an impulse buyer at all...definitely a researcher. I guess for some reason, as others on PS have said, it''s hard for me to imagine him researching *this* or being open to spending so much $. I suppose it''s my complex b/c he''s probably not giving it nearly as much thought as I am. But that wouldn''t be the first time.

I agree with you, I want him to get a good deal for his $, whatever that amount is..that way I can narrow my search a bit and actually figure out what I like.
Thanks ladies! All the tips are very helpful and I am working through my anxiety about this issue (for whatever reason it is there).

 

[jaysonsmom]

Everyone who knows me says that I''m straight-forward, and I''m also somewhat controlling....so when it came to the budget discussion, I just asked my hubby (bf at the time): "Can you tell me how much you want to spend so that I can get the biggest bang for the buck?"

 

[jaysonsmom]

I forgot to add that his range was exactly what I was thinking, so both parties were happy. Usually it''s when one wants to spend >10K for a ring that''ll last an eternity, and the other wants to spend less than $1000 on apiece of carbon that just sits on the finger.....THAT''S when things get compliicated and compromises have to be made.

I''m sure that if the ring pics of the diamonds+settings put your bf out of his comfort zone, he would have said something. Maybe you and him are on the same page. Most couples who have been together for a while ARE on the same page.

 

[lilmaria]

Has he happened upon this site yet? Does he have any family members who are into jewlery that would like to help? You''re lucky you have a researcher. You never know, he may be researching now. I have found that guys (most) are into getting the nicest ring b/c it will be a reflection of their taste later on...would he care what others think? When my dear and I first started talking about rings (years ago) he was happy w/ a few hundred dollars. I, on the otherhand, expected a few thousand dollars. When we argued (lovingly) over the price I maintained that it would be a symbol of our love and I wouldn''t want to upgrade for sentimental reasons. I also stated that if he was willing to spend thousands of dollars on his motorcycle, why shouldn''t he be able to spend some extra bucks on my ring. He finally came around when we started looking in the malls in order to get a sense of what I liked. He himself, began working towards the larger, better cut stones than he orignially planned on buying - therefore his price range went up .

It''s a tricky subject, one that we don''t like to push b/c it may seem like we''re overstepping our boundaries. Personally, you know your bf best and can gather which approach would be best. If you can''t get him to commit to a frame, I''d say to expect the least but hope for the best so that you won''t be disappointed. Hope I''ve helped!

 

[sunkist]

Date: 3/17/2006 8:44:29 PM
Author: lilmaria
I also stated that if he was willing to spend thousands of dollars on his motorcycle, why shouldn''t he be able to spend some extra bucks on my ring.

My question exactly!!!

Wow, so Lilmaria when you posed that question to him, did it have any effect at all??

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/16/2006 1:16:41 PM
Author:amy94
I''ve been thinking lately, that while i''m doing all this searching for the ring of my liking, I really have no idea how much the bf is planning to spend or can afford. I am trying to look w/in reason, but who knows if my idea of reasonableness is his. I just feel weird asking him much money is he able to spend? I know some of you have had this talk. How did you do it? How did he take to you asking?
Thanks!

you go... honey,how much do have in your piggy bank?

 

[lilmaria]

You bet it had an impact. Originally he was opposed, truly opposed, to dropping a few k on a piece of jewlery but as time has gone on, he''s realized that it''s a big step, but will be worn everyday with a smile on my face. I know he can''t afford thousands upon thousands but I also know that he can (financially) do better than a few hundred. Therefore, compromise. When we window shopped, I tried on different carat sizes and he originally thought 1/4 carat was enough until he saw it on my finger - invisible. So we tried 1/3, 1/2, 3/4 and 1 carat sizes. I dont see much of a difference b/w the 3/4 and 1 carat so I told him it would be okay to have 3/4 with the setting I love. He knows which one I want so the exact amount he''s spending, the center stone size and when I will get it are the big surprises. I know he''s looking in the 3,000 to 3,500 range. My sister in law''s jewler said he''d make my setting in white gold as the plat is too expensive to get me in addition to a 3/4 or 1carat stone. It took me a while but he got the idea that it''s a big deal and now he finds himself admiring other people''s engagement rings. It''s funny to see him stare, tap me and then point at the huge rocks we see on passerbys.

 

[berkley]

Date: 3/18/2006 4:24:03 PM
Author: lilmaria
You bet it had an impact. Originally he was opposed, truly opposed, to dropping a few k on a piece of jewlery but as time has gone on, he''s realized that it''s a big step, but will be worn everyday with a smile on my face. I know he can''t afford thousands upon thousands but I also know that he can (financially) do better than a few hundred. Therefore, compromise. When we window shopped, I tried on different carat sizes and he originally thought 1/4 carat was enough until he saw it on my finger - invisible. So we tried 1/3, 1/2, 3/4 and 1 carat sizes. I dont see much of a difference b/w the 3/4 and 1 carat so I told him it would be okay to have 3/4 with the setting I love. He knows which one I want so the exact amount he''s spending, the center stone size and when I will get it are the big surprises. I know he''s looking in the 3,000 to 3,500 range. My sister in law''s jewler said he''d make my setting in white gold as the plat is too expensive to get me in addition to a 3/4 or 1carat stone. It took me a while but he got the idea that it''s a big deal and now he finds himself admiring other people''s engagement rings. It''s funny to see him stare, tap me and then point at the huge rocks we see on passerbys.

LOL!!!! Oh my gosh, this is exactly what my guy has been doing also!!! Usually I get "the tap and point" when passing super cool/fast cars on the roads..... glad to see it is an epidemic thats sweeping the nation! lol!

Funny that my guy and I just got back from the trip to the jeweler''s! I have been looking forward to this trip for days on end, on Monday he left me a card on the refrigerator inviting me to lunch with Gene. Had no idea who Gene was, so I bugged till he gave in! (shame on me!) It really was a fun experience!

I don''t know about you all, but the hardest part for me, thus far, is deciding on a shape!!! At first I tried on rounds. Such a classic. Dead set on a round, for about the first half hour. Then they brought out some princess cuts. Ohhh! Sparkly! The decided they would bug me with the pointed corners. THEN I tried on an Asscher..... To decide on the shape is killing me! I don''t think he is to the point yet where he is ready to jump in and buy anythin, I think he is just starting to wade into the baby pool. I am not sure how big the stones were that we were looking at, I just wanted to check out the different shapes, and I was very firm when I told them that I was just looking to get an idea of the cuts and settings today, no buying or pressuring today.

Maybe I am in the minority when I say the 2 things that matter to me are:
1) it is given with all his heart
2) it''s an Asscher!

of course being a member of pricescope opens the door to all the diamond rings a girl could ever imagine and lust for has it''s downsides (DIDIAMOND''S COLLECTION IS TO DIE FOR!)

On a side note, this past christmas we received a flyer for sams club and there were some CRAZY jewels in there. There was a necklace to similar to the Harry Winston Wreath that was somewhere around $170K. BF wanted ideas for x-mas gifts and I slapped that baby up on the fridge. Next morning he had torn out a picture of a Bugati and said I''ll get you the wreath when I get this. it was too funny.

Hmm, sorry to stray so far from the question at hand, tell us how it went!

 

[sumbride]

I was thinking about this post this weekend and it kind of helped me bring it up a wee bit... He was talking about his bonus which he''s supposed to get at the end of the month. They''ve changed the structure so he''s not sure if he''s getting as much as he usually gets. Last year it was close to $6k (they give bonuses instead of large raises). I said "That''s enough for an engagement ring!" with a bit of a twinkle. He said, "That''s BEFORE taxes, honey..."

Then the next day, we were looking at flat screen tvs at the wholesale club... our living room is really narrow so we want to replace our behemoth with one, but we don''t want to buy it right now... the prices had lowered a bit and we both said "Oh, it''s just $1800...." Then I said, "But there are a few things that come before that... like your (football team) season tickets...." He said "I''m only getting 1 set this year." This sort of blew me away because he usually has 2 pair and sells the upper levels to pay for the better seats. (It doesn''t always work, just sometimes.) He said it was because he could see better from the upper levels... but I''m thinking to myself... well, the prices really went up this year... maybe he realized that the $3000 he would spend on them could be spent elsewhere??? Then later he told me he opened a high-yield saving account with ING. HMMMMMM.....

He''s making me crazy, I swear!

 

[akw94]

Thanks everyone! Well, we still haven''t talked about prices. I couldn''t bring myself to ask him what he would spend. But...we did talk a little more about rings. We talked about going to some antique shops and I wasn''t sure I wanted to b/c they may not have anything and even if they do, if he''s not ready to buy that moment, the ring will be gone. But he said that he does want to do that, even if i''m leaning away from the antiques now. He said he wants an idea of what I want, but he wants to buy/choose it himself. He said he really wants to know what I like, what I don''t like so he can begin to see patterns, etc... I told him that I felt bad about him spending so much and he said that I could help if I wanted.

Ummm... I laughed and took that as a joke. Hopefully that''s how he meant it.

So all in all, the topic went well. I think i''ll show him what I like and he''ll take it from there. I just have to make sure that when we do go, i''m very verbal about what I like/dislike. I probably won''t get a lot of comments from him but maybe he''ll surprise me. One unrelated but nice thing that also happened this weekend was that he asked me if he were to buy me diamond studs, would I wear them. He must be confused! Of course, i''d wear them. I see he''s still learning about my love of jewelry. So I said nicely that I would and that I do wear studs now. Maybe b/c I don''t see him much during the week, he doesn''t get a full range of my jewelry taste.
I still would like him to actually bring up a time to go look for rings, but I have a feeling it will be on me.
Jaysonsmom, it would be nice if he''d say something if the pics I showed him were out of his range, but getting him to comment can be a challenge. When I ask him, he says, "that''s nice" or "I don''t like that as much". Very general reponses and more about the style than the carat size that goes w/it or the price.
Lil, I did tell him about this site awhile ago, so I have no idea if he''s checked it out. Of course, he could be reading my post as we speak.

No, don''t think there are any family members that could help and even if there were, I doubt he''d ask. He''s pretty much a do-it-on-your-own type of guy. I am glad that he''s a researcher; I just get this idea that it isn''t this subject that he spends time researching. Hopefully i''m wrong. Think it would be a bit pushy to send him the nice tutorial about diamonds that I created for myself??? I think it''s a good idea to try on different sizes, so he can get a feel for them, and so can I. I also think I like the 3/4 ct to 1 ct range.
Berkley, I tried on a round and a princess and did definitely prefer the round. Of course, I hadn''t encountered PS yet so had no idea about all the others. I''m excited about looking w/all this knowledge. I do want to try on other shapes too, just to see and be sure!
This is all very exciting! Of course, given that it''ll probably be months and months before he asks, I have plenty of time to ponder all these things. I''m going to try and wait until April to bring up going to look. We''ll see.

 

[lilmaria]

That''s so funny. My dear and I talked about his engagement present when we first started dating. I knew he wanted a bike so I told him that when he got me my ring, I''d get him his bike...yeah apparently he thinks its okay for me to wait for the ring more than he could wait for the bike. I couldn''t say no to the bike b/c his friend sold it to him for 3k under cost, so it would have been wrong to let it go, but I''m still waiting. His mom flipped out when she found out he bought the bike but I didn''t have my ring yet. I told her that I didn''t want to pressure him into getting engaged just b/c he wanted a bike. So little does he know, his gift is going to be the carbon fiber muffler he wants. That however WILL come AFTER the ring. No second chances this time. LOL. Have a good one.

 

[Mannequin]

My boyfriend and I have been looking for a little while, and he is getting more and more interested in the ring business as we go.

He recently was going to make an investment with his stepdad in a building, and as he was trying to figure out how much to give towards the investment, he mentioned that he wanted to make sure he had enough for other things he needs or wants to get. "How much does an engagement ring cost?" he asked as he was going over figures.

I could have been really devious and given him an astronomical figure! I told him that he was going to be purchasing something for me to wear and love for the rest of my life and that while I didn''t want him to break the bank, I did want something nice. Altogether I don''t expect my stone and setting to be more than $6000, and that seems to be the approximate pricing on the rings I have liked.

Once we started looking at rings, he would obsessively grab them from my hands and look at prices on the tags! He''s gotten used to the idea now that this is going to be somewhat expensive. He knows that I would prefer quality over size and that I don''t want something bigger than a carat for the center stone. As a teacher, I don''t want a huge ring (invitation to kids to come look for my purse when I am out of the classroom!). I have seen and tried on many sizes and anything over a carat starts to overpower my hand because the area from knuckle to knuckle seems short. My favorite rings so far have been well within the $6000 dollar cap I told him to try for, so I think we will be fine with it.

I always thought I was a princess cut, but I have been seeing some gorgeous rounds and the last place we went to brought out a Lucerne cut (eight sided, stopsign! like Tiffany''s Lucida). The eight sided one was sooooooo yellow, though. The cut made it expensive, but the visible yellow turned me off.