Bummed out... venting

[LeggoMyEggo]

I had the day off today, and spent a lot of it casually browsing the knot. I think by doing research, I jinxed myself though. Tonight we were talking about living arrangements and he doesn''t see them changing for at least 2 years.

That pretty much means he theoretically wants to get married but it must not even be on his radar. At that point I didn''t want to press him on the subject because I''m so afraid of pressuring him.

I''m honestly really surprised by this, and I just don''t understand the point in waiting. He''s sure, I''m sure, and both of us realize now that we knew within a week of dating that this was it. We''re both independently financially secure and have good stable jobs. I''m not saying we should run off to Vegas or anything, but 2 years is a long time. It''s not like we''re college kids. If he is so sure that he''s practically dying to tell me all the time how much he loves me and wants to marry me, then why not go ahead and do it?

I guess I''m not that upset. I mean, I do have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and he loves me and wants to marry me. That''s nothing to be sad about. I''m just so anxious to start our lives together, to wake up next to him every day and have a family. Waiting that long just frustrates me. And here I was, thinking that because he wanted to know about my ring preferences in great detail and has been talking about how much he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, it meant he wanted it soon. It sucks realizing you''re way further back in the process than you thought. I feel kinda stupid.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[radiantquest]

you sound pretty sure. sometimes they say things that feel like a huge setback to us. dont worry sweet, it will all happen in due time. hey, you can enjoy the LIW comapany while you wait.

 

[blondebunny]

aww im sorry hopefully its not that long, maybe he was tired and not thinking correctly or just trying to throw u off... anyways goodluck!!

 

[trillionaire]

Sometimes guys say things to throw us off... maybe it is one of those times. If not, it is your relationship too, and you can tell him that you really saw the two of you consolidating lives closer to 1 year out or 1.5 yrs, etc. If he said 2 yrs, he might be including a long engagement period, you never know. Worse case scenario, you would be dating for probably another year, then engaged for a year. You could let him know you feelings on long and short engagements. Not that you can "make someone ready" before they are, but you can let him know how excited you are about the future, and that you were a bit disappointed to think that it is so far off.

All else fails, engagement chicken never hurt anyone.

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO pulled the same thing with me... he was super gung-ho at the beginning and I guess I got a bit carried away based on what he said. Because when it came down to the practical aspects of it, it wasn''t anywhere near what *I* would consider ''soon'' (as he''d said).

Unfortunately, the best way to find out why they are thinking what they are is to talk about it. It''s ok if you don''t feel ready to do that just yet though -- it''s still kind of early on for you two, isn''t it? down the road, though, you could do a bit of probing once the subject comes up to determine his thought process regarding the whole thing.

Maybe he''s got some weird ideal in his head that ''2 years'' is the perfect amount of time. Or like my SO, maybe he''s got some goals (financial in our case) that he needs to meet first. Or maybe he wasn''t really thinking of things in tangible terms at all and with a bit of time, he''ll change his mind a bit.

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 8/19/2008 12:48:30 AM
Author: absolut_blonde
SO pulled the same thing with me... he was super gung-ho at the beginning and I guess I got a bit carried away based on what he said. Because when it came down to the practical aspects of it, it wasn''t anywhere near what *I* would consider ''soon'' (as he''d said).


Unfortunately, the best way to find out why they are thinking what they are is to talk about it. It''s ok if you don''t feel ready to do that just yet though -- it''s still kind of early on for you two, isn''t it? down the road, though, you could do a bit of probing once the subject comes up to determine his thought process regarding the whole thing.


Maybe he''s got some weird ideal in his head that ''2 years'' is the perfect amount of time. Or like my SO, maybe he''s got some goals (financial in our case) that he needs to meet first. Or maybe he wasn''t really thinking of things in tangible terms at all and with a bit of time, he''ll change his mind a bit.

I agree, well said. I think a talk is in order, perhaps not right away but when the time feels right. I think it is very fair and acceptable for a serious couple to disclose timelines to one another.

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Date: 8/19/2008 12:45:31 AM
Author: trillionaire
Sometimes guys say things to throw us off... maybe it is one of those times. If not, it is your relationship too, and you can tell him that you really saw the two of you consolidating lives closer to 1 year out or 1.5 yrs, etc. If he said 2 yrs, he might be including a long engagement period, you never know. Worse case scenario, you would be dating for probably another year, then engaged for a year. You could let him know you feelings on long and short engagements. Not that you can ''make someone ready'' before they are, but you can let him know how excited you are about the future, and that you were a bit disappointed to think that it is so far off.

All else fails, engagement chicken never hurt anyone.

Thanks! I think you''re right. He knows I don''t care too much about fancy rings, but I did sort of make it sound like I want an elaborate wedding. Truthfully I don''t want anything so elaborate that I''d need to be engaged longer than 9 months at the max. But he doesn''t know that, so I need to tell him.

I think the reason I''m so hesitant to do anything that could be perceived as "pressure" is because I was with a guy before who initially said he wanted to marry me, but after 3 years together he started getting cold feet. He would string me along, and if I even brought the subject up casually he would get angry and accuse me of putting too much pressure on him, and then blame his hesitation on my questioning.

I know FF won''t react that way, but part of me is just terrified of initiating that conversation.

But I''m going to borrow a phrase from another poster and "put on my big girl pants" and do it. It helps to think of it as clarifying the kind of engagement and wedding I envision, rather than "when I want to get married." Thanks again!

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Date: 8/19/2008 12:48:30 AM
Author: absolut_blonde
SO pulled the same thing with me... he was super gung-ho at the beginning and I guess I got a bit carried away based on what he said. Because when it came down to the practical aspects of it, it wasn''t anywhere near what *I* would consider ''soon'' (as he''d said).

Unfortunately, the best way to find out why they are thinking what they are is to talk about it. It''s ok if you don''t feel ready to do that just yet though -- it''s still kind of early on for you two, isn''t it? down the road, though, you could do a bit of probing once the subject comes up to determine his thought process regarding the whole thing.

Maybe he''s got some weird ideal in his head that ''2 years'' is the perfect amount of time. Or like my SO, maybe he''s got some goals (financial in our case) that he needs to meet first. Or maybe he wasn''t really thinking of things in tangible terms at all and with a bit of time, he''ll change his mind a bit.

Early is a relative term. We''ve been together 7 months now but have been very close friends for much longer. Also, he''s 40 years old and wants to have children, so I guess that adds a bit of a sense of urgency in my mind. I''m not bothered by the age difference and I do want to have a family, but I''d prefer to do it relatively soon, given that even if we got pregnant now he''d be nearly 60 when the oldest one graduated high school.

I guess I do need to talk to him soon. Thanks for giving me good things to think about!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Share your feelings with him...your logic makes perfect sense.

 

[IrishEyes08]

Date: 8/19/2008 12:11:43 AM
Author:LeggoMyEggo
I had the day off today, and spent a lot of it casually browsing the knot. I think by doing research, I jinxed myself though. Tonight we were talking about living arrangements and he doesn''t see them changing for at least 2 years.

That pretty much means he theoretically wants to get married but it must not even be on his radar. At that point I didn''t want to press him on the subject because I''m so afraid of pressuring him.

I''m honestly really surprised by this, and I just don''t understand the point in waiting. He''s sure, I''m sure, and both of us realize now that we knew within a week of dating that this was it. We''re both independently financially secure and have good stable jobs. I''m not saying we should run off to Vegas or anything, but 2 years is a long time. It''s not like we''re college kids. If he is so sure that he''s practically dying to tell me all the time how much he loves me and wants to marry me, then why not go ahead and do it?

I guess I''m not that upset. I mean, I do have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and he loves me and wants to marry me. That''s nothing to be sad about. I''m just so anxious to start our lives together, to wake up next to him every day and have a family. Waiting that long just frustrates me. And here I was, thinking that because he wanted to know about my ring preferences in great detail and has been talking about how much he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, it meant he wanted it soon. It sucks realizing you''re way further back in the process than you thought. I feel kinda stupid.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Well, what was his reasoning? How did you respond? It''s ok for you to tell him you''d prefer to rethink that 2 year timeline, that you want to move in sooner rather than later. Also, have you two discussed your thouhgts on living together before marriage, etc? Maybe he is against that and so is factoring in engagement/wedding within those two years?

 

[jcarlylew]

im sorry

sometimes guys don''t realize how they say things and then how it will be received by the other half. I know that feeling of dissapointment too. my boy hasnt even told his parents, and yet we''ve been looking (and trying on) rings. kinda sucks for me, but for him he doesn''t see the problem.

Hopefully your guy just wasnt really thinking about how it sounded (plus i think 2 years seems like a short time to them), or maybe throwing you off?

Anyways, here''s a big hug hoping that you feel better!