Can I help my bf with the cost of my E-ring?

[Lnicegirl]

Can I help my boyfriend with the cost of my egagement ring?

Here is the background:
In August my BF said he wanted to get me an e-ring but didn''t feel it was wise to use a credit card to get one. I agreed, and told him he just needed to save money. Saving money is not one his strong suits, but it is for me. So he told me he needed help saving money. I know it seems silly, but of the two of us I am more fiscally responsible, saver, etc.

Me helping him save money means acutally going over with him, his monthly expenses and how much he can afford to put into his personal savings account after bills, etc. By the end of this month there will be apporximatley $2,100 saved of his own money; however I feel like I want to contribute $500-$1000 to I guess accelerate to process. We both dicussed a ring of $5,000 or less. Both him and my mother have told me that I can''t help him pay for the e-ring. I don''t understand why not because he will still have to purchase the wedding band which is an important part of the ring that seals the deal.

I guess I am being very impaitient since we dicussed an Oct 2008 wedding and wedding planning will not begin until we are officially engaged. I guess if we get engaged by February 08 we will have about 9 months to plan a wedding.

What are your thoughts? Should I just relax, transfer some of my money into the account which I have the access and ability to do (he did seem completely opposed to the idea of me contributing some money; he said we could discuss it later). Of course I would transfer the money with out him agreeing, but should I bring it for dicussion since he siad we could talk about it later.

 

[surfgirl]

While I dont think it's a problem for the woman to contribute to her ering if she so chooses, I DO think it's a big ol RED FLAG that you have to sit your bf down and make sure he puts away enough money each month - it sounds like something one would do with their young child. I'd be really concerned about that if it was me. So from that perspective, I'd say you shouldn't "help" him out unless/until he saves X amount of ering money. And to that end, I'd make a joint agreement that he should save X amount by X date. To show his responsibility. THEN, I'd say it's totally cool for you to top off that amount by $1000 or so, if you choose to.

 

[ringster]

hi Lnicegirl!

it''s great you guys have started talking about this. i think that whatever is decided should be agreed by both of you tho so i don''t think you should just put some money in without having him agree. the whole engagement ring thing can be something that some guys feel very strongly about paying for the whole thing so your bf might fall into this category. it is a big experience for the guys as well so you want him to be able to do this happily and proudly (they want to feel like THE MAN for their girls )

i see that there alot of people on PS where the couples agree to the guy paying for the diamond and the girl paying for the setting. i think this is a great compromise that alot of guys would feel more comfortable with as it lets them not have to worry about finding the right setting which can be a bit daunting for them. he can get a inexpensive temp setting so that he can present it to you.

it sounds like you guys should probably continue this talk. you need to define what amout of money is the goal and that will be dependent on what type of ring (size, etc) you want.

be creative in your solutions so you can come to a compromise that you will both feel great about. and i think if this means you helping him save money by socking it away for him or creating a budget and you don''t mind at all then so be it. if you have to remind him every month to put money aside then i might think twice but then again you know he is like this and this is the way the finances will probably go from here on out. this may be a good opportunity to set some good finance habits or boundaries.

so as long as you don''t start resenting any effort you need to put in to get this to happen then whatever works for you both as a couple is what matters. you can also plan on doing a check-in after a couple of months to see if the strategy is working for you and him.

hope that helps!

 

[Deelight]

I don''t think it is wrong at all to help

I offered to my BF to at the least pay for the setting cause comparative to what is the norm here I want a quite expensive stone and to help relive the pressure of getting me said dream ring but he declined and I respect that we are both fairly old fashioned and for him it is something he wants to do himself.

 

[MoonWater]

I think it''s okay to help pay for your ring, but your bf has to want your help. I''m in a position where I''m not sure if he wants my help, so I guess I''ll see. But I decided if he does buy it on his own, I''m buying our wedding bands (which will could come close to the cost of the Ering). My money is his money and vice versa.

 

[Pandora II]

I offered to pay anthing over FI''s budget so I didn''t have to compromise. Turned out he had budgeted for my overspend and gave me a lower budget to work with than the ''real'' one.

I wouldn''t have contributed to the original budget though.

My feeling is that if your BF isn''t comfortable with it then don''t. Also if he has problems with money-management, you absolutely MUST leave it all to him.

Otherwise you risk turning into a ''mother-figure'' which is very unhealthy and can lead to a lot of resentment on both sides. You need to position yourself as the girlfriend not the manager.

 

[Lnicegirl]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I like the suggestions of the possibilty of paying for the setting while he pays for the diamond, ony if necessary. At the rate of savings and given the budget of $5,000 or less he may be able to pay for it entirely. I think I need to be more paitent.

I never thought of the whole manager versus girlfriend thing. I will leave savings solely up to him.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with your wanting to add to the savings that will be your ring.

I would recommend having a long discussion with your BF about fiscal responsibility and who will handle what once you''re married if he has lots of trouble with savings. I am good with money, but my DH far surpasses my talent in that realm, so he is the finance guy in our relationship; but, I always know what is going on. We actually have financial meetings once a month so that we''re both on the same page. You and your BF need to figure out the big picture in regards to $$ before you get married, please, for the sake of your relationship; lots of marriages go bad because people have totally different points-of-view about finances.

 

[justageek]

Hey Lnicegirl!

I don''t think Pandora meant that you should not mention saving to your bf at all, especially since he asked you to help him start better saving habits. Analogy: If you''re better than a friend at cooking, there''s absolutely nothing wrong with you giving her some tips if she asks you for your help. There IS something wrong if you take over her kitchen and insist that only your way is right. In this context, I THINK Pandora''s saying that you shouldn''t volunteer to take over his finances and start saving for the ring yourself without taking his feelings into consideration (right? I''m horribly sorry, Pandora, if I''m putting words into your mouth :-/). If he has told you that he wouldn''t mind you paying for half or a setting, than it should be fine. But you should NOT leave savings (in general) solely up to him.

If you''re committed to starting a life together, you should agree on a basic plan for how to deal with money. If he''s a big spender set in his ways and you''re a big saver, there will be problems down the line if you guys don''t compromise. You absolutely shouldn''t be a manager, but you will be a partner by law once you get married. You need to be ok with telling him your opinions (as long as you don''t force it down his throat), and he needs to be ok hearing them. You should definitely talk to him about savings, especially if he doesn''t know how to save.

And if by "I will leave savings solely up to him", you meant "I will leave savings for the engagement ring solely up to him, after I give him the advice he asked for on how to save, promising to help him continue his plan if he asks me to do so" then please disregard this post.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

my FI bought the e-ring (and the subsequent upgrade, lol) and i bought the wedding bands....

 

[tberube]

YES, it is okay, in my opinion, to offer to help pay for your engagment ring. No, it's not the ideal turn of events, I suppose, but why the heck not? In less than a year your money and his money will be "our money" anyway, so what does it matter where the engagement ring came from?

To me it stinks of "a lady never calls a man for a date" traditionalism.

So you're a better saver than your FF, excellent! That means you'll be the one to sit down and help him save. Maybe he's a much better cook than you, so he'll handle most of the weeknight dinners. You'll make up for each other's setbacks with your own strengths. That's the way a commited, equal union works.

I offered to help pay for my engagment ring, not because my fiance couldn't save, but because it was a very expensive thing, and I couldn't help offering to contribute. He said no, but I would offer again in a heartbeat. Instead I told him I'd pay for my own wedding band, considering it'd be much more expensive than his simple band of white gold.

To me it was bigger than "a man is supposed to pay for this, etc." It was more about "what can WE do to make this easier on BOTH of us?"

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/25/2007 11:00:25 PM
Author: justageek
Hey Lnicegirl!

I don''t think Pandora meant that you should not mention saving to your bf at all, especially since he asked you to help him start better saving habits. Analogy: If you''re better than a friend at cooking, there''s absolutely nothing wrong with you giving her some tips if she asks you for your help. There IS something wrong if you take over her kitchen and insist that only your way is right. In this context, I THINK Pandora''s saying that you shouldn''t volunteer to take over his finances and start saving for the ring yourself without taking his feelings into consideration (right? I''m horribly sorry, Pandora, if I''m putting words into your mouth :-/). If he has told you that he wouldn''t mind you paying for half or a setting, than it should be fine. But you should NOT leave savings (in general) solely up to him.

If you''re committed to starting a life together, you should agree on a basic plan for how to deal with money. If he''s a big spender set in his ways and you''re a big saver, there will be problems down the line if you guys don''t compromise. You absolutely shouldn''t be a manager, but you will be a partner by law once you get married. You need to be ok with telling him your opinions (as long as you don''t force it down his throat), and he needs to be ok hearing them. You should definitely talk to him about savings, especially if he doesn''t know how to save.

And if by ''I will leave savings solely up to him'', you meant ''I will leave savings for the engagement ring solely up to him, after I give him the advice he asked for on how to save, promising to help him continue his plan if he asks me to do so'' then please disregard this post.

Yup - you got it right!

I speak from experience I''m afraid. I ''managed'' about 3 of my ex''s and did them no favours and ended up with zero respect from them.

I''m now marrying a man who takes responsibility for his own career, finances etc. I offer my advice, but I don''t take over. It feels so much better!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/26/2007 1:18:16 PM
Author: tberube
YES, it is okay, in my opinion, to offer to help pay for your engagment ring. No, it's not the ideal turn of events, I suppose, but why the heck not? In less than a year your money and his money will be 'our money' anyway, so what does it matter where the engagement ring came from?

To me it stinks of 'a lady never calls a man for a date' traditionalism.

So you're a better saver than your FF, excellent! That means you'll be the one to sit down and help him save. Maybe he's a much better cook than you, so he'll handle most of the weeknight dinners. You'll make up for each other's setbacks with your own strengths. That's the way a commited, equal union works.

I offered to help pay for my engagment ring, not because my fiance couldn't save, but because it was a very expensive thing, and I couldn't help offering to contribute. He said no, but I would offer again in a heartbeat. Instead I told him I'd pay for my own wedding band, considering it'd be much more expensive than his simple band of white gold.

To me it was bigger than 'a man is supposed to pay for this, etc.' It was more about 'what can WE do to make this easier on BOTH of us?'

I'm afraid I am totally in this camp.

I did 'the rules' before the book was even written. My mother was very insistent on it.

It doesn't 'get you a man', but it saves you from a lot of freaking out and making a fool of yourself.

Lots of people will disagree with me, but I really believe that a man needs to make a certain amount of effort to court a girl. Being chased by a girl can make a lot of men feel emasculated and that doesn't make a good start to a relationship.

It's not game-playing, it's maintaining your self-respect and looking after your own interests.