Catholic wedding... outside??

[anchor31]

I''m not engaged yet (hopefully I will be within the next ten weeks! My ring will be done by the end of the week!), but my FF and I have been talking a bit about the actual wedding last week-end. We''re thinking summer/fall 2008, simple and low-key, close family and friends 50-guests kind of thing. On that we agree.

Here''s the tricky part. We''re both Catholics and we believe in God (my dear FF has actually help me come to terms with my faith). I''ve always wanted an outdoor wedding and since he''s also a nature-lover I thought he would agree, but he insists on having a Catholic priest to marry us. The problem is, I''ve been told a Catholic priest wouldn''t marry us outside a church. sumbride told me she knows someone who found a priest who married them outside... Does anyone else know about a similar situation? Any advice?


Another thing: My FF is a big traditionalist, which is probably why he''s got this big "surprise proposal with the perfect ring" thing going on (hey, at least he let me choose it and pay for the setting, so maybe there''s hope!

). His idea of a wedding is church, grand entrance, something old something new something borrowed something blue, photos, sit-down dinner reception, wedding singer, dance, bouquet and garter toss... In short, what I feel like is what "everyone else" does. He says that''s "how are things done"; I guess because that''s what he''s always seen.

On the other hand, I''d like to do things a bit differently, do some things that in my mind would make things simpler and more us, ya know? I''d like an outdoor wedding, photos before the ceremony, iPod for the music, no garter and bouquet toss...

I know that the best thing for us will be to sit down and really talk about this and make choices and compromise, but I just wanted to know if anyone''s been through this "conflict of ideals" problem? I''d love to hear about your experiences!

Thanks, and I can''t wait to finally be engaged and get on the BIWs list!

 

[E B]

Date: 6/20/2006 11:25:33 PM
Author:anchor31
I'm not engaged yet (hopefully I will be within the next ten weeks! My ring will be done by the end of the week!), but my FF and I have been talking a bit about the actual wedding last week-end. We're thinking summer/fall 2008, simple and low-key, close family and friends 50-guests kind of thing. On that we agree.


Here's the tricky part. We're both Catholics and we believe in God (my dear FF has actually help me come to terms with my faith). I've always wanted an outdoor wedding and since he's also a nature-lover I thought he would agree, but he insists on having a Catholic priest to marry us. The problem is, I've been told a Catholic priest wouldn't marry us outside a church. sumbride told me she knows someone who found a priest who married them outside... Does anyone else know about a similar situation? Any advice?



Another thing: My FF is a big traditionalist, which is probably why he's got this big 'surprise proposal with the perfect ring' thing going on (hey, at least he let me choose it and pay for the setting, so maybe there's hope!

). His idea of a wedding is church, grand entrance, something old something new something borrowed something blue, photos, sit-down dinner reception, wedding singer, dance, bouquet and garter toss... In short, what I feel like is what 'everyone else' does. He says that's 'how are things done'; I guess because that's what he's always seen.


On the other hand, I'd like to do things a bit differently, do some things that in my mind would make things simpler and more us, ya know? I'd like an outdoor wedding, photos before the ceremony, iPod for the music, no garter and bouquet toss...


I know that the best thing for us will be to sit down and really talk about this and make choices and compromise, but I just wanted to know if anyone's been through this 'conflict of ideals' problem? I'd love to hear about your experiences!


Thanks, and I can't wait to finally be engaged and get on the BIWs list!

Girl, your "likes" sound a lot like mine!

I'm having an outdoor ceremony/reception with pictures before the ceremony, an iPod DJ, and we're definitely throwing out the garter toss/bouquet toss traditions.

My first thought when reading your post was, "how about a compromise?". You could marry in a small church to satisfy FI AND have a gorgeous outdoor reception. I'm not catholic, so I can't be of much help, but I too have heard catholic priests won't marry a couple outdoors. If you can find a priest that will, that'd be wonderful, but if not, I think a church/garden wedding would be beautiful!

FI and I haven't had much conflict over the wedding plans except for the issue of a bridal party. I didn't want one at first, but my friends have expressed great interest (who'd have thought?

). I told him about this, and he's firm about no one being "up there" but us. I let him have his way because, after all, it is his day too!

Hope you guys can come to some sort of compromise! Oh, and when you get that ring....I expect to see HUNDREDS of pictures!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2006 11:34:18 PM
Author: EBree
Girl, your ''likes'' sound a lot like mine!

I''m having an outdoor ceremony/reception with pictures before the ceremony, an iPod DJ, and we''re definitely throwing out the garter toss/bouquet toss traditions.

My first thought when reading your post was, ''how about a compromise?''. You could marry in a small church to satisfy FI AND have a gorgeous outdoor reception. I''m not catholic, so I can''t be of much help, but I too have heard catholic priests won''t marry a couple outdoors. If you can find a priest that will, that''d be wonderful, but if not, I think a church/garden wedding would be beautiful!

FI and I haven''t had much conflict over the wedding plans except for the issue of a bridal party. I didn''t want one at first, but my friends have expressed great interest (who''d have thought?

). I told him about this, and he''s firm about no one being ''up there'' but us. I let him have his way because, after all, it is his day too!

Hope you guys can come to some sort of compromise! Oh, and when you get that ring....I expect to see HUNDREDS of pictures!

Thanks Ebree... I''m trying really hard to not drive myself crazy over the wait for the actual proposal now that the ring''s done! I honestly can''t wait to post "HUNDREDS of pictures" for everyone to see!

I really respect that he wants a catholic officiant, so if we can''t find a priest to marry us outside, the "small church wedding and outdoor reception" idea sounds nice... I hadn''t thought of this one, so thanks!

My church is small and pretty, and I''ve been coming to terms with getting married in it if need be. It''ll be hard to get over the AMAZING outdoor location I''ve found though!

About the bridal party, thankfully we both agree on a very small one. Two attendants each, period. My (twin) sister and my best friend, and (I think) his brother and his best friend.

What really matters to me is to keep things simple and intimate. From what I''ve surmised, he does too, but I think that in his mind, "simple" means "following the rules" and having a cookie-cutter wedding. Since our relationship (and engagement, for that matter) certainly isn''t a cookie-cutter one, I''d hardly feel like a super traditional wedding would be "us". Well, I guess I have plenty of time to argue my case! The actual planning probably won''t start before next spring. Still, I appreciate everyone''s thoughts, stories and advice.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We went to an outside wedding last summer and they have a priest. They also got married in a catholic church about 6 months later just to make it "offical."

 

[rms]

I am pretty sure that you simply need a dispensation in order to marry anywhere other than at a Catholic church. All you need to do is ask. You will definitely find some priests are more laid back than others. Good luck.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks, Tacori and rms! That''s very good news.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 6/21/2006 1:12:46 AM
Author: rms
I am pretty sure that you simply need a dispensation in order to marry anywhere other than at a Catholic church.

That would surprise me (although I have been surprised before). I think that the Roman Catholic Church holds that the marriage has to be held on hallowed ground. I believe that a priest can "bless" a union held outside of a Roman Catholic church, thus the joint ceremonies where a priest and minister or priest and rabbi are both present.

 

[Mannequin]

Anchor, your situation sounds like mine! FI wanted our wedding to be a version of "the big fat Polish wedding," very traditional and very by-the-book. He''s a typical Virgo and I knew he''d want to do things the "right" way, nothing crazy. Personally, that''s still not quite me. I kept telling him I would be more than happy to do a garden wedding/reception or elope to Hawaii or Vegas and then come back to a big barbecue reception in one of our family backyards or a park, but he seriously balked at that. We are still finding ways to compromise on this wedding and make it a blend of what we both want, though planning has taken a backseat to moving into our new place and his bar review for the time being.

I am not very religious. I am currently a biannual Catholic (Christmas and Easter, whether I need it or not, bonus if someone gets hitched or baptized!

) and have not found a place of worship that I feel comfortable attending regularly at this time in my life. FI''s family is much more religious than mine, and it would be very hurtful to them, especially his grandmother, if our ceremony did not take place in a church. Since the ceremony will need to be in a church with a Catholic priest then, we are going to use his family''s church where they attend mass fairly regularly. I was a little bummed that I couldn''t be in a lush garden or on a cliff or somewhere more exciting, but that''s okay. Also, because we decided on July 28, 2007, we were a bit concerned about the weather so we chose to look for indoor places to hold our reception. I would hate to have us plan this big outdoor tented dinner and then have it be awfully hot or storming on that day. With a bridal party of 10 and an anticipated 300 or so guests, their comfort is of a high priority!

Other decisions to be agreed upon right now are bus vs. limo and band vs. DJ. There is also a small debate over favors too. We are finding that it has been fairly easy to have our differing opinions steer us to compromise so far. Key word emphasis on so far.

I am sure you''ll find a happy middle ground with the things you two want to do with your big day. Good luck with your pre-planning, Anchor. I CAN''T WAIT TO SEE YOUR RING!

 

[KimberlyH]

Anchor,

Both my fiance and I both come from Catholic families and were raised in the church, but neither one of us was set on being married in the church...and the church was set on not marrying us (the diocese of San Diego''s rule is that you must be engaged for nine months and our engagement will be eight) so, we found a retired (and now married) Catholic priest who will marry us outside. It''s a bit unconventional and not exactly by the book but it works for us. Perhaps you and/or your future husband are aiming for the more traditional (read non-retired) priest but I thought I''d offer it as a suggestion. I found him in a local wedding guide.

 

[saturn]

I''m pretty sure that RMS is right about this. In order to have the wedding outside of a Catholic Church, you need a dispensation. Bishops vary in their willingness to grant such a dispensation.

This is from the Catholic Bride Knot Bio:
"A wedding mass involving two Catholics may take place and be recognized as valid and licit by the Catholic Church only if celebrated in a sacred place (inside a Catholic church or college chapel) unless a dispensation is granted. (See GIRM 288.) Permission usually will not be given for weddings in homes, gardens or similar places. The wedding traditionally is held at the parish of the bride."

Here is a longer explanation of the Catholic policy on outdoor weddings.

Although it sounds like many bishops are hesitant to allow it, you''ll never know unless you ask - we have a family friend from an influential Catholic family who managed to get all sorts of dispensations for her wedding.

 

[anchor31]

Thank you for all the info and suggestions. We''ll definitely have to do some research. I think it''s very interesting to read the history behind this rule, so thank you for the link!

equ - Thanks for sharing. The "Big Fat Greek Wedding" thing is just not me... Well, it''s not J either as he also wants something small, but he''s definitely a lot more "by the book" about things! I am very much aware that COMPROMISE will be the solution to a perfect wedding for both of us! I''m not giving up just yet, but if we must, I''m really getting used to the idea of marrying in my pretty little church, and then having our photos and reception at this beautiful venue I found. It''s about 15 minutes from my home and church, so it''s really a perfect place.

 

[rms]

I know a couple who received a dispensation to have a catholic wedding in a garden. I was also witness to a catholic wedding on a beach in Mexico. Plus, I am catholic and married a non-catholic in a catholic ceremony (and had to get a dispensation for that

), so I definitely learned a lot from having to plan our wedding. Honestly, if you call around to different parishes, you might be amazed at the range of responses that you will get from priests. I probably called every priest in town looking for the best way for us to do our pre-Cana. Some of them won''t even give you the time of day if you are not a parishoner of their church, others are more welcoming. Also, even though there are pre-cana options, some of the priests said that they would only accept that we go to the Engaged Encounter weekend. When I finally talked to the priest who was going to marry us, I was so happy because he was so easy going he really helped us through a hard time in our planning process. I even gave one priest a piece of my mind because I was so frustrated at how so many priests more or less shut the door in our faces. He apologized and said that the topic of making couples seeking marriage in the church feel welcome really comes up frequently in conferences.

Anyways, sorry to ramble. good luck with your planning and I will be interested to hear how things turn out for you!

 

[anchor31]

Do feel free to ramble, rms.

I appreciate any information I can get very much!

 

[sean_morrison44]

anchor 31 how did your search go?did you decide for the small church?
i''m in about the same situation as you. i tried emailing/regular mailing (they responded by email)

but on top of what i emailed them...we already have a place booked for a reception that also has a beautiful garden to get married in (that would be included in what our deposit we put down was).
our closest catholic church''s packet said it cost 700 dollars for us to get married in there church and that didnt exactly thrill us. anyways..heres the email and response
>>> "sean morrison" url]"> 07/07/06 10:16AM >>>
Hi. I was hoping this email could find its way to Bishop Thomas.
I know Catholics don''t like to permit outdoor weddings, but I was hoping to
be an exception. I know that one reason they don''t is because they think it
will take away the meaning and lead to divorce, but I can assure you that is
not the case with me.
I grew up in Vernon, Ct. There I got baptised at St. Josheps church. As I
grew older, I went through the Eucharist and Reconciliation. Then when I
reached high school, I attended a private Catholic high school. (East
Catholic High School located in Manchester, Ct). Then, at a time when most
people start rebeling, I continued on my Catholic path and went through 2
years of classes to recieve the Confirmation sacrement. This leaves marriage
as my next possible sacrament on the list, so this is why I really want my
wedding to be Catholic.
After never having a girlfriend for 21 years, a long distance friendship
turned into love. She was my first girlfriend, and will be my only one. I
believe that each person has 1 person meant for them. She was mine. As i
previously stated, I didnt have a girlfriend at all before her. I believe
that a relationship is serious and should be taken seriously, which is rare
in todays society of one night stands etc. We were commited enough to be in
a relationship together for over a year without being able to see each
other. All we would ever be able to do would be to talk on the interent,
and talk on the phone. And yet, thats all we ever wanted to do-instead of
wanting to have fun with friends who were close by. To me, thats what love
is all about.
With all that being said, my girlfriend''s family is of the Lutheran
religion. She has always dreamed of having an outdoor wedding.
I believe that for a marriage to be successfull, a husband has to treat his
wife with respect, listen to her, and make her opinions count. So to me,
this would mean having an outdoor wedding. Since our wedding date is so
popular (july 7, 2007), we had to book a reception place early to make sure
we get one (we did that like a week ago). The place we booked is ,Buck
T-4''s in Big Sky, Mt. This place has a wedding ceremony spot in it, that is
located towards the back of them so that there''s no distractions while a
wedding takes place.
So now my problem is that I want to give my girlfriend, Jennifer, what she
wants, and she''s seen this wedding place and that is where she wants to get
married. I, however, would still like to get married Catholic and recieve
the Marriage sacrament.
I tried calling the Our Lady of the Pines church in west yellowstone, but
they just yelled "NO!" at me when they hear the word outdoor wedding.
I read onliine that on special occasion, a Bishop might grant an exemption.
So I was/am hoping you would do that for me. If you still can''t/won''t do
that for me, could you at least give me some advice?
Thanks for your time,
Sean Morrison
P.S.
if your wondering the type of person who''s talking to you, I''m a 24 year old
male (goiing to be 25 in november). And i''m the type of person that never
swears, and never will
Again, thanks for your time,
Sean Morrison



RESPONSE:

Dear Sean -
Bishop Thomas is away from the office at the present time. Before he left,
he had the opportunity to review your e-mail and asked that I respond on his
behalf.
Sean, the Diocese of Helena does not permit outdoor weddings (as you
suspected). This decision is based on our conviction that Sacraments need to be
celebrated in the Church itself. Since marriage is such an imporant commitment
- and since it will be a sacrament for your and your bride-to-be, the Church is
the appropriate place.
Sean, if you haven''t begun the process already, you need to be in touch with
your local parish priest (or the person at the parish who "deal with" marriage
preparation). [Sorry, but the e-mail does not seem to indicate where you are
from] Most dioceses require marriage preparation that extends over a period of
six months or more - involving the presence of both parties to the forthcoming
wedding. It sounds like it will be important to begin arranging those sessions
soon. Also, your parish priest (or marriage preparation minister) will need to
complete some paperwork.
You asked for some advice - perhaps you could have the wedding at a Catholic
Church - and then have the pictures and reception at the Buck 4-T''s near Big
Sky. Also, it will be good to remember that your Catholic faith and the
requirements to live out that faith need to be a principal consideration.
Perhaps this is one of the topics you and your fiancé should talk about with the
priest preparing you for marriage.
May God bless you in the days ahead as you prepare for marriage in the
Catholic Church.
Father John W. Robertson
Diocese of Helena

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/26/2006 6:29:19 PM
Author: sean_morrison44

RESPONSE:

Dear Sean -
Bishop Thomas is away from the office at the present time. Before he left,
he had the opportunity to review your e-mail and asked that I respond on his
behalf.
Sean, the Diocese of Helena does not permit outdoor weddings (as you
suspected). This decision is based on our conviction that Sacraments need to be
celebrated in the Church itself. Since marriage is such an imporant commitment
- and since it will be a sacrament for your and your bride-to-be, the Church is
the appropriate place.
Sean, if you haven't begun the process already, you need to be in touch with
your local parish priest (or the person at the parish who 'deal with' marriage
preparation). [Sorry, but the e-mail does not seem to indicate where you are
from] Most dioceses require marriage preparation that extends over a period of
six months or more - involving the presence of both parties to the forthcoming
wedding. It sounds like it will be important to begin arranging those sessions
soon. Also, your parish priest (or marriage preparation minister) will need to
complete some paperwork.
You asked for some advice - perhaps you could have the wedding at a Catholic
Church - and then have the pictures and reception at the Buck 4-T's near Big
Sky. Also, it will be good to remember that your Catholic faith and the
requirements to live out that faith need to be a principal consideration.
Perhaps this is one of the topics you and your fiancé should talk about with the
priest preparing you for marriage.
May God bless you in the days ahead as you prepare for marriage in the
Catholic Church.
Father John W. Robertson
Diocese of Helena

 

[larussel03]

Yeah I''d heard this as well, the Catholic church does not like to (or maybe does not period) perform weddings outside of the church. I can see where they''re coming from, the beleif is that it''s a sacred ceremony and should be held in a sacred place, I can see why it''s important to them. I guess it depends on what you end up wanting to do--you could see if another Christian minister or Justice of the Peace will marry you outside, or if you can have a small private wedding in a church and then at your wedding/reception have a priest come and have you renew or repeat the vows, that''d most likely work out...

When looking at churches, also be sure to ask how much they charge (seems odd, but some do)--some want donations and some want a specified amount. I went to the one Catholic church (where FI and I are getting married) and they ask for a donation. The other Catholic church I went to asked for 450.00 plus "suggested" a donation, (plus said they dont even know if they can marry us b/c we''re Melkites...not a huge difference, more of a political issue, I think). I''m sure not all Catholic churches charge, or charge alot, but I did hear of one charging 1000.00 in my area (boston area) so be sure to ask...in the most polite way possible.

 

[Munchkin]

Not to hijack the thread, but Sean, my FI teaches at East!

Munchkin

 

[sean_morrison44]

munchkin - wow, when did your fiancee start teaching there and what''s the last name?
i was in the class of 2000..so if they started after then i probably wouldn''t know

 

[Munchkin]

He actually just started there last year. He moved to CT for me.

So far though, he has loved it! There have been a ton of administative changes there. There was a new vice principal last year and a new principal this year. Even more exciting, boys LAX is now varsity!
Munchkin

 

[ladykemma]

what''s a milkite?

 

[larussel03]

Melkite Catholic is like Roman Catholic, doctrine is the same, just a few differences in views. It''s mostly Greek/Arabic, although the priest where we went looked Scottish : )

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for the info, sean! My new FI (whee!) and I have decided to marry in my praish church. I love it and really like my priest (he confirmed me ten years ago!); J has met him when we had the ring blessed two Sundays ago and also thinks he is a great man.

I''m very happy with my decision. We''ll have our reception in a small "auberge" nearby in the fall, it''s going to be lovely!