Cats not getting along... experiences appreciated

[missy]

We have four cats. Bobby is the eldest. And he is the cat the others attack for no reason.

I spoke to my vets about this (including my sister)( and they said that's just the way it is. Some cats are alpha cats and some are the ones who are always bullied.


The big issue is that Bobby has low platelets (due to lymphoma) and unfortunately when he gets cut he bleeds a lot for a very long time. He doesn't clot easily. This has happened countless times now. He gets cut and bleeds everywhere and it's a mess. Especially because he is also anemic due to the cancer and the endless bleeding.

We keep Bobby separate during the day in our bedroom (he doesn't always like being stuck in the bedroom but it is for his safety). IT's hard because he cries and I spend as much time with him as possible but it isn't enough. He is basically in solitary confinement. Who would enjoy that? No one. Well almost no one.

But at night we let them all sleep with us. They all want to sleep with us. Usually it's fine overnight. But not this AM..early this AM (around 4AM) we woke to cats fighting and unfortunately Bobby got cut on his ear and the blood kept coming. We finally stopped it (I hope we did at least) with stop bleeding powder but it took 40 minutes of applying and holding him and reapplying. Finally it mostly stopped.

We keep their nails short. We have that calm plug in stuff all over the house. As I wrote above we keep Bobby separated from the other cats 17 hours a day.
We have done everything I can think of doing short of permanently separating them during the nighttime as well. Which we may have to do.

But I am coming here to see if any PSers have had success in preventing their cats from fighting. This has always been a problem with Bobby but it's worse now because 1. his platelets are very low due to cancer and 2. Tommy is gone and Tommy was the buffer. He was the cat who kept the household relatively calm. He was Bobby's only cat friend. It is heartbreaking because Bobby doesn't deserve this but the other cats don't understand of course and we cannot blame them. They are being cats.

Any advice, ideas or just support is greatly appreciated. I am so sad at losing Tommy and knowing Bobby is next and I just want to give him peace while he is still with us before he gets eternal peace when he dies from the cancer

Thanks for reading and for any suggestions


Bobby and Tommy (RIP Tommy we miss you so)
Partners in crime



















Bobby as a baby



And Bobby now

 

[finerthings]

@missy I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I know you are doing the best you can with this very sad situation. I do think you are on the right path wondering if the the other cats should not sleep in the bedroom at night with him. It may be time to treat your bedroom as Bobby's sanctuary and safe place for the short time he has with you. I'd turn on quiet music for him, or the TV on low during the day and let him have peace in the room. Then when you go to bed, let him sleep soundly knowing you are beside him. The other cats will get your time and attention when you are out and about, and later when Bobby passes they will have you all to themselves for many years. They my not like it (especially Jasper) but now Bobby deserves special attention. I'm so sorry for what you guys are going through, my heart goes out to you all and poor dear Bobby - I'm sure he misses his friend Tommy so much. (((Hugs)))

 

[missy]

@missy I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I know you are doing the best you can with this very sad situation. I do think you are on the right path wondering if the the other cats should not sleep in the bedroom at night with him. It may be time to treat your bedroom as Bobby's sanctuary and safe place for the short time he has with you. I'd turn on quiet music for him, or the TV on low during the day and let him have peace in the room. Then when you go to bed, let him sleep soundly knowing you are beside him. The other cats will get your time and attention when you are out and about, and later when Bobby passes they will have you all to themselves for many years. They my not like it (especially Jasper) but now Bobby deserves special attention. I'm so sorry for what you guys are going through, my heart goes out to you all and poor dear Bobby - I'm sure he misses his friend Tommy so much. (((Hugs)))

Dear finerthings, thank you for your compassion. I greatly appreciate your kind words and support. I still cry over Tommy daily and this situation is overwhelming. Thank you

 

[Matata]

Agree with everything @finertings said. These things happen in multiple cat homes. Every time a cat is added to or taken from a multiple cat situation the hierarchy changes and behaviors and relationships may also change.

In my case, I have one cat who will literally kill another of my cats. I tried everything to fix the situation including consulting with an animal behaviorist and prozac. Nothing worked. There was a time when I tried to rehome Mr. Murder and even consulted with his breeder about euthanizing him.

I have a room dedicated for the 2 who get along. They spend half the day in there and half the day free roaming the house. Of the 2, Mr. Murder wants to kill only one but he has bullied the other so much that the stress caused a medical emergency. It's been a mess and I'm wracked with guilt for adding a 4th cat to the house when I should have stopped at 3.

All the bad stuff happened 2020-2023. The good news is that all of them have adapted to the routine and are comfortable with it.

 

[dk168]

Not sure if it is available in US, or something similar, however, Feliway has been known to reduce anxiety in cats and promote harmony in multi-cat household.

https://www.feliway.co.uk/pages/how-to-help-cats-get-along

I used a diffuser when I first got my cat and it definitely helped her to settle down.

DK

 

[missy]

Thank you Matata. Yeah we never experienced it to this degree til Tommy died. I’m glad your situation is resolved for the most part. I’m very sad about this whole mess and I guess there is no solution but to keep the others out 24/7. I am concerned this will affect jasper’s development because it happened before with Gracie and RW. She is the only one who won’t sleep with us and before RW she did. But we locked her out during the second bout we had with RW and that was that. She too was a kitten at the time


I’m seriously considering no more cats again. The stress is intense and goodness knows life is hard enough. No good deed goes unpunished.
All we wanted to do ever was to save lives and give them loving safe homes. And we’ve failed Bobby

 

[missy]

Not sure if it is available in US, or something similar, however, Feliway has been known to reduce anxiety in cats and promote harmony in multi-cat household.

https://www.feliway.co.uk/pages/how-to-help-cats-get-along

I used a diffuser when I first got my cat and it definitely helped her to settle down.

DK

Yeah thanks. It’s done absolutely zip unfortunately. I’ve tried many different ones too

 

[finerthings]

Does Jasper get along with Bobby? If he does maybe only allow him in at night with Bobby and you?

 

[missy]

Does Jasper get along with Bobby? If he does maybe only allow him in at night with Bobby and you?

Unfortunately Jasper is the worst offender. But Oliver and Gracie are no angels.
Jasper is so loving to us and now even loving towards Oliver. But omg not towards Bobby. And Gracie hates Jasper


Tysm for brainstorming for us

 

[AdaBeta27]

Based on my cats' behaviors, I suspect that they're ganging up on poor Bobby specifically because they know he's ill. When my alpha cat had a flare-up of FUS, my normally submissive female cat would never hesitate to step up and thrash him. You might have to keep them physically separated as the illness progresses. You haven't failed Bobby. Animals often attack or drive out a sick one.

Back in 2002 when I got 3 kittens, I also bought a large "cat playpen" rolling cage. (The Amazon Basics cat playpen is what I have now. Great design, easy to clean. Highly recommend.) I have found a dozen ways to reuse my kitten playpen to separate adult cats ever since. The crate beds that I already had are a perfect fit for the wide benches of this Amazon. I keep it set up all the time. I'm not sure how you feel about caging cats, or how many you have. But there are 3 benches in it, room for a litter box, and it's movable.

So you could possibly confine Bobby in that, out where his people are, or alternate penning up him and the others, assuming not more than 3. He might even appreciate having his own safe space to claim, if he's getting bullied. My female was getting thrashed by the 3 males, and she took up residence in the playpen and totally claimed it as hers. Being higher than the other cats at that point, she lorded it over them and banned them from entering. It was great to see her regain her power and dignity.

I'm on my 3rd set of cats using a playpen, and none of them are traumatized by it. They've all been agreeable to being in there in the same room as us people. I generally leave the playpen in the laundry room now, with the bottom door open. It's a warm room and my two red tabbies spend winter afternoons napping on the benches in there.

 

[missy]

Thank you @AdaBeta27 it’s funny we have two large playpens now. One where we feed Oliver and Gracie together and one for Jasper. We used to feed Tommy and Bobby in the kitchen on the counter. Otherwise the younger ones would eat Tommy and Bobby’s food. Now that Tommy is gone and Bobby is in the bedroom the other three still want to eat in the playpens. We also use it for time outs when one or more misbehave. Overall the three of them love their playpens and treat it like their condo lol. I like the idea of having Bobby in the same open space as we’re in but I’ll have to figure out if it’s feasible to add yet another playpen especially because Bobby is set in his ways and I have a feeling he would not enjoy a playpen. But still something worth mulling over and thank you. Your post is very helpful and I appreciate your kind words

 

[Matata]

And we’ve failed Bobby

There's no sure fire way to predict how cats' personalities will change as they mature and in response to more cats entering the household nor is there a sure way to predict what illness may befall them. You're not responsible for Bobby's non dominant personality nor are you responsible for his illness. Again, I ask that you give yourself some grace. What you are doing is mitigating the fickleness of the gene crap shoot and making up for the less than perfect hand mother nature dealt to Bobby.

Poop happens and we share the same tendency to blame ourselves for things beyond our control and it is a harmful tendency. I also have a non dominant cat (Maliik). He is the one Mr. Murder wants to erase. They got along for 5 years and BOOM one day they had a spat about I know not what and that was the end of our peaceful house. No way to predict that and the solution is less than perfect. We do the best we can and that's the best we can do.

Being locked out of the bedroom won't affect Jasper's development but it may ingrain the habit of him sleeping elsewhere once Bobby is at the bridge. You may not prefer that arrangement but if he's happy with it then you go with the flow. Gracie's dislike of Jasper is a red flag about the next challenge that may come your way and you will do the best you can and that will be good enough.

 

[missy]

Thank you Matata for your wise and kind words. I know you’re right and to that end will try to stop beating myself up. I’m sorry for Malik too. I used to think animals were superior to us but now I know we’re all flawed. I’m going to keep all the other cats out of the bedroom. Bobby’s safety comes first. Thank you so much. Sometimes an objective perspective is exactly what is required in a situation and I appreciate you taking the time and energy to share with me

 

[Mreader]

I am not able to read all of the replies yet, but unfortunately the others can sense that he is weakened and are using that to press their advantage I just want to say I am so sorry. My two cat household did not get along but they mostly just ignored each other (they didn't grow up together - we inherited them when we each had a parent pass away).

I wish I had better advice to give other than finding a way to isolate them even at night, but that is tough since they all want to cuddle with the humans. I don't suppose you and DH would be willing to sleep separately and keep Bobby with one of you...

 

[missy]

Thanks @Mreader we actually do not have an extra bedroom or bed because I have turned the other bedrooms into rooms for other uses. It's a good idea for most it wouldn't work for us unfortunately.

Instead we kept the other cats out last night and it went fine. They were crying (I feel bad) but it was the only way to protect Bobby. He doesn't even sleep on our bed like the other cats did but instead sleeps on his little cat bed (really a dog bed) next to our bed. The entire bedroom is set up for him at the moment. He has three beds all his own and his box he loves to play in and food, water, litter and other toys. Plus music and TV. But he was not happy being locked in overnight either and this morning was crying to be let out.

There just is no perfect solution. I had ordered a cat gate which came last week but we sent it back because it was treacherous with the bar on the bottom. After Greg installed it I knew it wasn't going to work for us. A trip hazard for me.

We ordered a big screen room divider and will see if that can work to allow Bobby in and out of the bedroom and to the third floor landing where he sometimes like to hang out. This will not allow him downstairs but will give him at least some more freedom. It's coming today so I hope it works.

And lastly I ordered yet another playpen (thanks to @AdaBeta27 's suggestion) to see if he will tolerate being in it for at least a short while so he can be downstairs with us. When we put the other cats in their playpen we let Bobby out but he rarely comes downstairs during those times. Cats are stubborn and do what they want when they want so even when the others are locked safely in their playpens Bobby hardly ever wants to come downstairs at that time.

But at least no more bloodshed for the time being. Though none of the cats are happy with the new arrangements the main thing is Bobby is safe

 

[CMN]

@missy I just wanted to say that I know problems with pets can get you down - I hope you have been going okay. I’ve been trying to find you something helpful from Jackson Galaxy on YouTube but just haven’t found the right thing yet for your circumstance.

 

[missy]

@missy I just wanted to say that I know problems with pets can get you down - I hope you have been going okay. I’ve been trying to find you something helpful from Jackson Galaxy on YouTube but just haven’t found the right thing yet for your circumstance.

Thank you I really appreciate that CMN. You are very kind. I am OK I am just worried about Bobby. And concerned about his this is going to affect Jasper too but that's a lesser concern at the moment.

There is no great solution for him. He wants to be able to come and go as he pleases and I get that...I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone to get along.

I've had cats since my early 20s (multiple cats who all got along so well I thought it was the norm til I realized it wasn't) )and it's only since we got Oliver (2019) have I started seeing our cats not get along. But we had finally reached a peaceful coexistence til Tommy died and now the issue is the other three attacking Bobby. Jasper, Gracie and Oliver. But Gracie mostly stays to herself and isn't as aggressive towards Bobby though she was the one who cut him deeply causing us to be at the hospital more than half the day with Bobby the first time due to uncontrolled bleeding. I think that was during the summer IIRC. It was a blood bath due to Bobby's low platelets.

As of now we are keeping Bobby in the bedroom most of the day. When we put the others in their playpens we let him out but he rarely comes downstairs and instead goes to the third floor landing where he has another bed (same as one of his beds in our bedroom).

The large screen we ordered came last night and we tried it out and we had to put something in front of it to give it some weight but it worked for a few hours last night and I was able to open the bedroom. This gives Bobby freedom to go in and out of the bedroom and use of the third floor landing.

We are currently only letting Bobby sleep with us and locking the others out since I have no other way to protect him overnight but I know it's going to reprogram Jasper regarding wanting to sleep with us and affect his personality since he is under a year old. As I wrote above in an earlier post this happened with Gracie. She was sleeping with us when we got her but then we got a second bout of RW and we had to lock her out of the bedroom and a few months later when we all was good and we let her in the bedroom she no longer wanted to sleep with us and she was about the same age Jasper is now.

It's the price we have to pay for Bobby's security but it's a high price especially since Jasper is an extraordinarily loving cat but I am starting to see changes even now so it is what it is.

Thanks for checking in with us and our furry crew. I love them all so much and this is a very challenging time all the while I am so missing Tommy. He was the one who got along with everyone and he even was grooming Jasper when the others were actively ignoring him or running away from him. Tommy stepped up and made him feel welcome. I miss my sweet Tommy and all the others before him but Tommy's death is still very fresh and painful and his loss is probably part of the reason Bobby's being bullied even more than usual...Tommy was the buffer

This is one of my favorite photos of the two of them.
Though it is deceiving size wise because Bobby was always much bigger than Tommy
Bobby on the right. Tommy on the left.
Best friends

 

[plad25]

I love the pictures you've shared! I've had a situation before where one of our cats one day just turned on the other and couldn't be together after that- and nothing ever helped. Like you are doing, we had to adjust our behavior within the home and the other cats routines to accommodate. We did this for years without a second thought. We're lucky they let us live with them, right?! For one of the two cats who couldn't get along, we were eventually able to re-home for him to live with my sister. We are years beyond that point and our other cats behavior/personality was not affected long term.

I don't think your cats behaviors will change and all of a sudden start getting along, but I want to reassure you that you did nothing for this to happen and doing the right things at this point in time. Thank goodness they have you! Stuff like this happens, but at the end of the day, you love and care for each one of them and doing your best. That is the best thing you can do for Bobby, Jasper, Gracie, and Oliver.

 

[kenny]

This uncertainly and lack of control over non-human animals is why I will never have more than one parrot.

 

[dk168]

@missy I hope you'll be able to find a solution soon.

I have a cat and a dog, the cat is still the first one I have since September 2007 (she is going to be 21 later this year, bless her).

She has never been a huggy feely kitty and tolerated my first dog, and now the second dog. She makes sure the dogs knew/knows who was/is boss in this house.

I cannot have another cat until she goes, and the new dog that I had when he was a 5.5 month old puppy in May 2021 is bringing out the kitten in her.

DK

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

dear Tommy looked just like our young Puff Ball
poor Borris could not tolleraet other cats. it caused her stress and her poor eye just would not heal
it was no bodies fault,
it wasnt Fluff's fault she was born ferral and needed a home, it wasnt Puff Ball's fault he was a dumped kitten and it wasnt Tibby's fault he was abandened and it wasnt Borris fault she wasn't to be an only cat
Sox and Borris hated each other but just stayed out of each other's way so Sox lived outside and only chose to come in after Borris had passed away
it was no body's fault

Fluffy just wanted a friend and Puff Ball wants to befriend everyone who comes into our yard

im very sad for Bobby
its nobody's fault but its also not fare

but i will just add it was the SPCA's fault for not taking Puff Ball and Sox, thankfully Gary said yes they could stay
Sox was such a good foster mum to Puff Ball -he really needed her
Sox is another one who crossed the rainbow bridge who hopefully is with my mum and dad in heaven
we started last year with four cats and ended up with just two

 

[CMN]

 

[CMN]

 

[missy]

Thanks so much @plad25 @CMN @Daisys and Diamonds @dk168 @kenny
So far we have them separated 24/7

Bobby still doesn't like it but the large screen I bought is working to prevent the others from going upstairs so at least now Bobby has the entire second floor and third floor landing to himself. He is usually in the bedroom but he does roam and he hangs out upstairs on the third floor landing on his cat bed too so he has some more freedom. And at mealtimes for the others (we put them in their respective playpens during mealtimes) we let Bobby roam the entire house. Though he still mainly stays upstairs he does come down for a bit. He is eating less despite the steroid injections but still in good spirits. I have no clue how long he will be here with us and am dreading the day we have to make another difficult decision. It's been too many difficult decisions these past few months

I've been spending hours a day with him brushing him and hanging out with him and then he is with us in the bedroom overnight of course though he chooses to sleep most of the night on his cat bed. Which is fine.

I appreciate all of your good wishes and compassion. Thank you. Hugs from me and Bobby and the rest of our furry crew

 

[CMN]

@missy one other factor that may be having some effect is if you are taking Bobby to the vet on his own (without the other cats). If so, he is likely coming home smelling different and the cats at home can think he is a different cat.

Apparently this is fairly common. I was sceptical until I experienced it with my own two cats. About two years ago I had to take one of them to the vet on their own. Normally they both go together for their annual injections. After bringing Yoda (male) back home, Jazz (female) started hissing at him, thinking he was a different cat - he had only been gone for about 1.5hrs! They were about 9 and 10yrs at that time and love each other. Anyway I had to separate them for a week or two weeks, to help them calm down and reintroduce.

 

[missy]

@missy one other factor that may be having some effect is if you are taking Bobby to the vet on his own (without the other cats). If so, he is likely coming home smelling different and the cats at home can think he is a different cat.

Apparently this is fairly common. I was sceptical until I experienced it with my own two cats. About two years ago I had to take one of them to the vet on their own. Normally they both go together for their annual injections. After bringing Yoda (male) back home, Jazz (female) started hissing at him, thinking he was a different cat - he had only been gone for about 1.5hrs! They were about 9 and 10yrs at that time and love each other. Anyway I had to separate them for a week or two weeks, to help them calm down and reintroduce.

Yes thanks. We have definitely experienced that before...but no. Interestingly enough there is no change in their behavior towards him after the veterinarian visit.

A funny (not so funny) aside...Gracie unfortunately has a skin issue and I am searching for a good vet derm (not easy to find) and she is the one who puts up a HUGE fight to get her into the carrier. And she always knows when we are taking her to the vet. I have been putting this off but her face is getting worse and we are going to do our best getting her into the specialist's office. We tranquilize her to no effect. I have said in the past if g-d forbid she gets a terminal or even chronic illness where she needs meds on a regular basis we are so out of luck. There is no way Gracie could exist on chronic meds or vet visits. She is little (9 lbs) but she is mighty and ferocious and well let's just say both Greg and I have been injured before when trying to get her to cooperate. And we are both seasoned cat people at this point. I pray she never needs meds on a regular basis because she is a hellion cat. LOL. Don't get me wrong she is very loving at times. But at other times watch out and stay away hahaha

 

[finerthings]

@CMN Those are two fantastic videos! Thank you for finding and sharing them with the PS community.

@missy Bobby's sweet face, omg brought tears to my eyes.

 

[missy]

@CMN Those are two fantastic videos! Thank you for finding and sharing them with the PS community.

@missy Bobby's sweet face, omg brought tears to my eyes.

Aww thank you. He can be very sweet. But his nickname is Psycho kitty because he will swipe at you with his nails out with no warning. But we love him and it's OK. He is an innocent animal and he deserves safety and love and comfort. I appreciate all your kind and well wishes

@CMN thank you so much. Those videos are very helpful. I appreciate you sharing them with us






He continues to have a decent appetite knock wood but the hair loss on his tail (chunk of hair missing in too neat a pattern making it weird) is not changing at all. No clue if that's from the cancer or something else but it's not due to trauma. It's been like that for well over a month and no change. Weird right. We brought him to the vet but she did not know the cause and agreed it's weird. And TG the culture was negative. TG. Have a good day all and thank you for all your support and comfort. And @plad25 I'm sorry I forgot to thank you for your very kind reassuring post. Much appreciated