Chinese Wedding Traditions

[SoonIHope]

My boyfriend is Chinese so we''re definitely going to have a Chinese wedding banquet, and I''ll wear a red cheongsam etc, but I''m just wondering what other traditions people have had/will have in their weddings? Did you do a tea ceremony? Did you change outfits at the banquet? Please give me as much detail as you can; I want to be well-informed the first time I discuss this with his family, and he doesn''t seem to have picked up much from weddings he''s been to.

Thanks!!!

 

[SoonIHope]

Come oooon, I see people wearing cheongsams in your wedding pictures, I knowww you''re out there!!! Pleeease?

 

[flopkins]

Hi albicocca-
I''m a chinese bride, and although our wedding will be pretty much western style, I''m going to do the chinese banquet dinner the night before as a rehearsal dinner, and wear a red chinese top my mom got me in china... and I will change into a cheongsam during the reception on the wedding day. I don''t plan to do a tea ceremony, but if any family want to, I''m not going to protest! There have been a few threads about this before, here is one on the tea ceremony

other chinese traditions are to have a red silk cloth (usu w/a dragon and pheonix embroidered on it) as a signature thing... sometimes the brides family expects the groom to give a whole roasted pig (old cantonese tradition, I think, ''in exchange'' for the bride) um... what else... an interesting one is to have a young (virgin) boy sleep in your wedding bed the night before - it''s supposed to be good luck so that your first baby will be a son! For chinese RED is the big wedding color, and gold. White actually is death for chinese culture - my mom was very paranoid about this and insisted that my wedding invitations not be white w/black ink - supposedly reminiscent of death announcements. So, my invitations are now a cream color with gray ink! sigh....

There''s tons more but I can''t remember right now. If anyone gives you a red envelope (not in the tea ceremony) accept it with both hands w/your thumbs on top, and a little bow doesn''t hurt!

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks, Flopkins!

This, and the other thread (& your info in particular!) was very helpful! I''ve been thinking we would work a bit of red into our western-style ceremony color scheme, and maybe do the tea ceremony that day but otherwise keep that day almost entirely not Chinese, and then have the separate banquet/reception later in a pretty traditional style, with me in a cheongsam etc. Do you think I should definitely change into the cheongsam for a bit after the western ceremony though? (We''re going to have the ceremony and the banquet on separate weekends since the ceremony is going to be far away for everyone.) Also, do you think it makes more sense to do the banquet the week before or the week after the ceremony? We were thinking of doing it afterwards, but I feel like a lot of people are doing it as their rehearsal dinner and/or the night before the wedding, so would the previous weekend make more sense?

I''m not so sure about the whole pig or the little boy sleeping in our bed though.

His family isn''t particularly traditional, so I think they''ll be fine with us eliminating a lot of things as we see fit, as long as we do a bit of it.

Thanks for your help!!!

 

[qtiekiki]

Sorry I didn''t chime in earlier but I haven''t been able to log into pricescope for the last few days. We had a very Chinese wedding with tea ceremony and a big banquet, well actually we are having 2 big banquets (one more to go). We had a small Western wedding ceremony with friends a couple weeks before the tea ceremony and 1st banquet. I had always wanted to have both ceremonies, but we didn''t have the budget for two banquets and a Western ceremony. Anyways, I had 4 outfits (wedding gown, qun kwa, qi pao, and evening gown) that I wore for the banquet. Initially I was planning for 2 (wedding and qi pao only), but then my aunt in Hong Kong got me a qun kwa, so I got an evening gown to wear in between the qi pao and qun kwa. I didn''t get to eat at all, but it was fun wearing all those outfits.

P.S. there are different variations on a lot of the traditions, so you might want to check with his family.

 

[flopkins]

Date: 11/20/2005 7:12:10 PM
Author: albicocca
Thanks, Flopkins!

Do you think I should definitely change into the cheongsam for a bit after the western ceremony though? (We''re going to have the ceremony and the banquet on separate weekends since the ceremony is going to be far away for everyone.)

It''s really up to you. It has a bit of special meaning for me, bc I''ll be wearing my mom''s cheongsam. Plus, we''re not going to do the separate banquet really, just the rehearsal dinner which will be much smaller, so I thought it would be nice.



Also, do you think it makes more sense to do the banquet the week before or the week after the ceremony? We were thinking of doing it afterwards, but I feel like a lot of people are doing it as their rehearsal dinner and/or the night before the wedding, so would the previous weekend make more sense?

Again, I think it is whatever works best logistically for you. For us, most of my family is coming from out of town, so it didn''t make sense for us to do it all on a separate weekend... You might want to check w/your FI''s family, some Chinese families are very superstitious, and perhaps one weekend will be more auspicious than the other (there is a special calendar published every year that gives the ''lucky'' days for marriage, etc... ) For example, the number 8 is very lucky, and the number 4 is very unlucky (the pronounciation is similar to ''death'' in chinese)

I''m not so sure about the whole pig or the little boy sleeping in our bed though.

His family isn''t particularly traditional, so I think they''ll be fine with us eliminating a lot of things as we see fit, as long as we do a bit of it.

Like qtiekiki says, check w/you FI''s family, there are different customs, and it''s best to be safe than sorry! My parents I don''t consider very superstitious, but about certain things... you just never know!

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks Flopkins (again!) and Qtiekiki!

The reason I kind of don''t want to get more outfits (than wedding dress & cheongsam) is because I''m struggling with my desire for the $400 Shanghai Tang cheongsam, in which case I figure I should wear it a lot to make it worthwhile.

I''m glad to hear that there isn''t any hard and fast rule about the banquet having to be before or after the wedding. I guess we''ll see if his family has any preference, or just choose based on logistics. The reason we''re doing it a separate weekend is because our actual ceremony will be hard for people to get to, so we want to have the banquet here (NYC) where all of his family is, in case they can''t make it to our way way upstate ceremony location. The only thing that really sucks about that is that none of MY family is in NYC so I bet my parents and brother will be the only people from my side (plus friends) who will come to the banquet.

But there''s really no way to do them on the same weekend since it''s a 5 to 6 hour drive between locations, and we can hardly caravan the whole wedding party that far. Ohhhh well....

 

[princessv]

Hi there!
Don''t really come to this forum much but thought I would since I will be getting the ring really soon! Anyway, I am a Chinese bride as well and my SO is a southern cowboy type. I''m having an all Western wedding here in the US and will be having a seperate Chinese wedding in Singapore later. The tea ceremony is a really big deal and don''t expect traditional gifts at the ceremony, the people will be handing you red packets filled with $$$. Also, lots and lots of food. The more courses at dinner you have the better...typically 12 or more. But really its whatever the family is comfortable with. My family in Singapore tends to be a whole LOT more traditional and superstitious than my immediate family and extended family in the US.

 

[SoonIHope]

Princessv - thanks for your input! I also don''t have my ring quite yet so I hope I''m welcome over here too...

Your comment about food reminded me of something though. I know about all the traditional dishes that you''re supposed to serve at the banquet BUT....I''m vegetarian. How much of a scandal do you think it would create if we got this really good vegetarian Chinese place to make mock-meat versions of all the traditional dishes? My boyfriend doesn''t care, but he''s a little concerned that people will think we''re just doing it because the family is really cheap, and won''t care about my being a vegetarian but will just think that''s an excuse to get out of serving everyone a "real" meal. How do you guys think your families would react if you went to a vegetarian Chinese banquet? We could probably get a nicer location and serve more courses etc, so it wouldn''t look "cheap" but do you think people would still assume that''s why we were doing it?

 

[JulieN]

I''m sure a lot of older Chinese people are vegetarian (?)

 

[SoonIHope]

Nope, no one in his family is.

Anyone else have thoughts on that?

 

[princessv]

Hrm thats a good question...I don''t see why anyone would have a problem with it...make sure you taste the food first lol! I have however went to a wedding that was served with all Western food buffet style and all the Asian guests complained. As long as you have tons of food..I don''t really see a problem but make sure you discuss it with his family as I would think different families would react differently depending on how traditional they are.

 

[SoonIHope]

Hehehe, don''t worry, this place is really good! His family introduced me to it, too, and they go there sometimes even when I''m not with them just because it is the best place ever. Their barbequed "pork" is sooooooo good, like I''ve made all my non-vegetarian friends and family eat it and they agree it is better than real pork!

But yeah, my feeling is that they probably wouldn''t care as long as there was a lot of good food and drinks in a nice place....but my boyfriend''s comment that they might made me nervous. So if anyone else has input, it would be much appreciated!!

 

[flopkins]

hm, well most chinese I know are definitely NOT vegetarian, but I have had a veggie chinese banquet before- and it was good! We had it after my grandmother''s funeral - she was buddhist and they eat vegetarian every once in a while... not sure about the details, but for some reason it was honoring her by eating vegetarian! not, of course, to compare your wedding to a funeral (!) but it can be done! You would probably want to make sure it''s at a veggie only place though, so the food is good.

I can see why your FI thinks his family might think it''s cheap though - Chinese are very picky about these things, image is everything, and they kind of expect a certain type of meal for a wedding banquet, bc the groom''s family is supposed to show how affluent they are and show off to all their relatives w/an expensive banquet. In fact, it''s kind of a standard set 10 course meal w/very specific foods. So if you''re going to go w/the veggie thing, make sure he makes it clear to his fam that it''s NOT going to be the traditional banquet... and it''s bc you''re vegetarian...

 

[cutes814]

I''ve been to a Chinese wedding recently where two of the family members of the groom are vegetarians. They had the restaurant prepare a seperate meal for the two people. During a Chinese banquet, the dinner is plated differently for the bride and gromm''s table anyway, so I don''t see why they shouldn''t be able to meet specific needs for certain family members.

The rest of the people ate the regular food with the meat. Chinese people are very picky and they will talk about the banquet. For sure they will mind the vegetarian food. Meat is important, but the most important kind of food in a Chinese banquet is the SEAFOOD! And majority of the Chinese guests will not appreciate fake meat or seafood. I don''t even know if you can make fake shark''s fin soup or fake lobster in supreme broth?

But for sure, they would expect the real deal. Especially if they come baring hundreds of dollars in red envelopes.

I think the best way would be to make vegetarian dishes for you and regular for everyone else.

 

[SoonIHope]

Yeeeah, what you''re saying Milly is what I''m fearing.... The only thing is that if I were going to a banquet where it''s like that and they bring me my vegetarian dish, it''s all good, and I''m very appreciative and I couldn''t care less that everyone else is eating meat. But when it''s MY wedding, I don''t feel right being the REASON for that much meat to be eaten. Do you know what I mean? Like I don''t get upset if other people eat meat on their own (at the same table as me or not), but if the REASON all those people are eating all that meat is because of me then I feel guilty. I don''t expect non-vegetarians to sympathize with that and I know that it might bug some people but I really don''t mean it in a high ground way at all. I just mean that if it''s YOUR choice and your decision to eat X then that''s your business, but if I''m the one purchasing all this food and serving it to you and you have no choice but to eat what I put in front of you - I really don''t want to choose meat. That said, my boyfriend''s family is probably going to pay for the meal (or at least some of it) and the reason we''re going to have it is mainly because they want one, so if it means a lot to them, then I guess I''ll probably end up bending. I''d just reeeeeeeeeeeeeally rather not.....

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/22/2005 4:59:28 PM
Author: Milly
I don't even know if you can make fake shark's fin soup or fake lobster in supreme broth?

But for sure, they would expect the real deal. Especially if they come baring hundreds of dollars in red envelopes.

I think the best way would be to make vegetarian dishes for you and regular for everyone else.

Yes you can. And no, the fake stuff doesn't even come close. Well, I've tried the fake sharks fin and it was gross. My parents have tried both and they said it was bad.

But yeah, I know it bothers you to have so much meat eaten so you gotta balance. I dunno if it's possible to isolate all the Chinese guests and give them meat and vegetarian to the rest? If it's all vegetarian, the traditional Chinese people are gonna be pissed! Especially if they're bringing red envelopes. My parents aren't traditional at all, but they worried to death over what the red envelope paying guests thought cuz Chinese people are picky and will complain loudly about it.

How many traditional Chinese people do you expect? Cuz frankly, there are so many traditions that you're gonna piss off some people so you can't worry too much about pleasing everyone.

I'm doing a balancing act myself right now trying to figure out if people important to my mom are mad or if it's people important to my dad. If it's my mom, I could care less since she insulted my wife's family and culture and almost didn't go to our SF wedding and prevented my dad from helping us out much for our LA wedding. We basically paid for all of our wedding so we had the "it's our wedding, we should pick what goes on" mentality too with accomodations to what the parents wanted cuz you respect your elders in the Asian cultures.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am Taiwanese-Chinese and my FI is Thai-American. I get dizzy just thinking about how to incorporate a few traditions from all three cultures (Chinese, Thai, and American). I think I will skip the Qi-Pou dress because I am bigger on the top than bottom, and I will look like a cow in Qi-Pou.