Christmas-- catalyst or stumbling block?

[LazyDaisy]

Well ladies, it seems that as Halloween approaches we are almost to the 60 days of Christmas that have evolved in our culture lately. In light of this, BF has begun to ask me what I want. Thus far I have been very dismissive ("oh don''t get me anything").

Mind you, I have been pretending not to care about engagement for the past several months, with some success but not as much as I would have liked. (For the record, I am not manipulating-- I''m just keeping my mouth shut and refusing to react to any suggestion he makes about the topic... which is what he "wanted" although he does seem a bit disturbed by it at times.)

I am very aware, however, that this is a tactic I can only use once-- if I cave and initiate the topic of engagement/marriage again, he will go right back to taking for granted that I''ll be ready whenever he feels like it. What''s more, he''ll learn that my silence and lack of reaction meant nothing and then he won''t even be concerned when I don''t react to his little prodding questions.

At the same time, in all honesty I am desperately hoping that Christmas will be my time, even though I know in my head it probably isn''t happening. He knows I have always imagined the perfect proposal being during the holidays-- Christmas lights and such. I just think it would be super romantic, even if it isn''t all that original. So I don''t know if I should start hinting again in the hopes that it will happen, or if I''d just ruin all the hard work I''ve done up to this point by showing restraint. If he asks again what I want for Christmas, I''m thinking of sort of halfway going for it and saying, "Jewelry." Maybe if I don''t specify what type of jewelry, it won''t mess up my strategy?

Do any of you know anyone for whom the holidays were a great catalyst for the engagement? Anyone ever been disappointed and have advice? I''m trying not to get my hopes up, because last Christmas was already a let down, but something inside me just wants to be hopeful. Anyone in a similar situation?



Stay strong-- it will happen!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/23/2007 9:20:03 PM
Author:LazyDaisy

I am very aware, however, that this is a tactic I can only use once-- if I cave and initiate the topic of engagement/marriage again, he will go right back to taking for granted that I'll be ready whenever he feels like it. What's more, he'll learn that my silence and lack of reaction meant nothing and then he won't even be concerned when I don't react to his little prodding questions.

Okay, I know that you said you're not trying to manipulate him, and I'm sure that you genuinely don't think of it that way--but if it's a "tactic" that you're using to fool him into thinking your mindset is something other than it actually is, and in turn, to cause him "concern" over the subject, then that is manipulation. I don't mean this in a bad way, necessarily. It's just so we're on the same page

As for whether or not the holidays will effect his plans in any way, it really depends on the guy. Though I'd say in most cases, it won't have any bearing for him. If he's anything like my guy, the connections are not drawn for such things (unless you do them a favor and draw the connections for them).

The only two possible ways I can think of that the holidays would impact this process are: 1) He knows the holidays are important to you and has decided that this will be a great time to pop the question... and 2) He will already be financially stretched and won't be able to finance a ring. Option 1 requires that he already be planning on proposing soon anyway, the holidays just seemed like the best time to do it. Option 2 doesn't necessarily have anything to do with him "readiness" on the engagement front.


Anyway, I suppose that's not much help. All I can say is not to get your hopes up. Then, if it does happen, it will be all that much better--because you weren't waiting for it every moment.

 

[musey]

I forgot that you were the same poster that said this in an earlier thread:

He kept putting me off and putting me off, and finally this summer admitted he just flat out isn't ready for marriage at all... but he still wants to marry me one day, but he has no idea when.

...after being promised a ring for last December. I really, really encourage you to not get your hopes up for a holiday proposal. He very recently told you he isn't at all ready for marriage, so I'd think that even you would be surprised to see a big turnaround like that.

Maybe he was just trying to throw you off the scent. I hope not, because that would be a really mean way to go about it

 

[sera]

Just because you are "silent," that doesn't mean you are not saying something to him by your actions (manipulation isn't just words... it can be silence or action or inaction). Maybe I missed a previous post or something, but I'm not sure why you feel you need to pretend you don't care about getting engaged? He didn't want you talking about it but now he is bringing the topic up? Is he now ready or is he just curious about your silence?

Couldn't you say something like, "It was clear this was something you did not want to talk about and I'm respecting that. You know how I feel about it and will be more than willing to discuss it when you're ready."? If the two of you are ready for a more serious relationship, then you should be able to communicate with each other. If you both can talk about it and are both ready for it, then it shouldn't be a problem expressing you would like to discuss "when" and if Christmas was a possibility.

Christmas would be romantic. But, personally, the only catalyst to "the question" or "the ring" I would want would be my bf's love... not anything whether it be a holiday or whatever. I would want my bf to react to his love for me and him being ready and not my strategy.

Just talk with him and listen, don't talk at him or nag him. I hope everything works out for you.

ETA: OK, thanks Musey... that makes the picture a bit clearer... IMHO, it's not a good idea to pressure someone into marriage that is not ready... wouldn't you rather marry someone who is ready to marry you? If he loves you and wants to marry you, just chill and be happy with him... rarely when you push someone you're pushing them closer to you.

 

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you all for the responses!

Alright, I suppose I am being manipulative if you want to define it that way, but I promise it isn''t mean-spirited. It''s just that he was the one who said my talking about it made him feel "pressured" even when he''d been the one to start it all up in the first place. So I''m giving him what he wants... and curiously, once I stopped making a big deal about it, he''s always bringing it up. Little comments... and I''m never sure whether he''s serious or whether he just wants to know that I''m still on the same page in terms of long-term goals. But once I stopped talking about it or reacting to other people''s engagements or things like that, all of a sudden he was much more into it.

He even told me flat out that he thinks he''d been taking me for granted and he intends not to do that anymore. He started dropping hints a couple of weeks ago, nothing too specific... but I made a comment assuming I''d be in my apartment next school year and he asked me why I assumed that. I pretended not to understand what he was getting at. He reiterated that I "shouldn''t make those kinds of assumptions", whatever that really does mean.

I realize that in general we should be able to discuss this... but we''ve discussed it to death. I told him a while back we''d talk about it again in the new year, though, so it''s just temporarily off limits... except for the fact that he keeps mentioning it. If I were to react to his little questions (at friends'' weddings, vague suggestions that we walk past the jewelry stores in the retail area of our town, etc), then every time I reinforce the idea that I''m ready ready ready, all it says is that I''m pining away and gives him ZERO incentive to make concrete plans. If he knows I won''t go anywhere, he has no reason to change things. It''s sort of like when a couple is living together and the man has no real reason to want to make a change in the situation.

I''m not telling him I don''t want to, and if he has any sense at all he knows we have a wonderful relationship and that I love him with all my heart... I''m just not acting like it''s something that''s so super important to me right now, which seems to be what made him feel so pressured in the first place. I''ve taken up new hobbies and made new friends and sort of developed more of a life. And the longer I''m silent about the M word, the more interested he seems. I just don''t know if his interest is purely theoretical (why is she so silent? as one poster suggested) or if it''s because he''s reconsidering.

I really hope you guys don''t think I''m some super manipulative girl out to do nothing but get her man. It''s not like that. I just want him to realize that I have a full life with or without him, and that I do have millions of other things on my mind besides getting married. And yes, I''m hoping that realization is making the idea more attractive to him.