Christmas planning problems (long!)

[pjean]

I know it seems like the wrong time of year to be discussing Christmas 2008. Heck, I just took my decorations down last week. But here we are, not even Valentine''s Day yet, and I already have a pending disaster on my hands.

Background: although we''ve been dating off and on for years, my bf and I have always spent Christmas apart, with our respective families. I somehow managed to go 30 years without ever spending Christmas away from home, and he''s not especially fond of my family (nor they of him), so usually he spends Christmas with his own family. Two years ago we were planning to start the every-other-year rotation, but due to a small spasm of commitment phobia on his part, we were broken up at that point. So Christmas of 2007, for the very first time, we spent Christmas together, with his family. We wanted to go to his family first because his grandparents were not in good health, and that turns out to have been a good decision, since both of his grandmothers passed away within the last month.

The very explicit understanding was that we would then go to my family (in Toronto) for Christmas 2008. Now my bf has told me that his mother''s family is all gathering at Christmas this coming year at a ski resort, as they used to when he was a child. He wants to know how he can "make it up to me". In other words, he''s going skiing.

He says it''s important for his family for several reasons, and I understand them. But it''s also important to me that we go to my family. It doesn''t help that his family adores me and I love spending time with them, while my family is very polite to him and tend to stress me out.

How did you start dividing up family holidays so that the two of you were a unit? How did you deal with problems? ''Cause it turns out I suck at this.

 

[FrekeChild]

Wow pjean, you''re dealing with it on a bigger scale than I am, because luckily all of our family is in the same city. For now, however his sister is thinking about relocating to a smaller town thats about 4 hour drive from where we are now, and that would totally screw everything up for us. Right now, we have to try to go to both my parent''s and his sister''s houses on both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it''s a bit of a PITA. It''s bad enough that BF hates to go to other people''s houses to eat, (even if I am the one who is cooking at both places) but to have to go to two different places?! It''s like pulling teeth.

So I''d love to hear some advice, because I think our situation is just going to get worse.

 

[ladypirate]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this--we just did the "OK, get EVERYONE under one roof" scenario this last thanksgiving, which worked out well, then we did Christmas with my family. I'm not sure how it will work out this year.

Is it possible you could spend Christmas day with your family and then both fly up to go skiing the day after? (Or go skiing beforehand, depending on the timing). In any case, it bothers me that he's going back on his word just because he wants to go skiing this year.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 1:55:46 PM
Author: ladypirate
Is it possible you could spend Christmas day with your family and then both fly up to go skiing the day after? (Or go skiing beforehand, depending on the timing). In any case, it bothers me that he''s going back on his word just because he wants to go skiing this year.

That was my suggestion too. He says he would feel weird, and it would ruin the trip.

Probably I''m just going to end up going to Toronto myself, and then joining him at the ski place. Unless that would ruin it too.

That side of his family really has been under considerable strain over the last few years, and I can see why this feels important to him. But that doesn''t make visiting my family together for the first Christmas ever less important. Especially since both my parents have been trying very hard to make him feel welcome and part of the family, after getting off to a bad start some years ago.

Sigh... I hate Christmas.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Maybe each of you aren''t willing to give up your families every other year, not that there''s anything wrong with that. Even when you''re married it doesn''t mean you have to spend Christmas Day together. DH and I planned to rotate, but when it came down to it we were content to spend the day apart and spend that time with our families--we just celebrate together before I leave. If you do want to spend the holidays together, then I think the best bet is to fly on Christmas Day (always cheap!) and make a tradition out of spending Christmas Eve with one family, then fly out Chritstmas morning so you can spend the day with the other family. This year will be tough because of the trip they''ve arleady planned, but you can work around it.

 

[pjean]

As I'm reading people's responses (thanks, by the way), I realize that a big problem for me is that I'm going to have to defend his absence to my family. He's ruled out any kind of multi-destination Christmas for himself, although I may end up doing the Christmas travel thing. I don't know whether that makes my feelings less important - it's not that I want us to spend Christmas together (although I do) - if it were just about me, I would be ok with him going.

Maybe I should just get over wanting my family to like him. Easier said than done, I think.

 

[bee*]

It would annoy me that he went back on his word, especially as you went to his family last year. Maybe go meet his family the day after or a couple of days later. If that doesn''t work, maybe do what NEL suggested and it might just be easier spending Christmas apart.

 

[gracie007]

We rotate every year. I , too, got to spend every year at home for Christmas for 30 wonderful years..and it was great. But when we knew that we wanted to now spend them together...I don''t love not seeing my family at Christmas, but you sacrifice...I would be upset that he was not willing to sacrifice the skiing trip. I understand you wanting things to be right with your family! Maybe he goes skiing this christmas and you get the next two or three I hope all works out...planning for two is not the easiest!

 

[Rhea]

We alternate and while neither family likes it (his very verbally doesn''t like when we aren''t there and my mother had such a bad relationship with her MIL that she''s hands off our marriage) they shut up and put up.

To be honest, I can''t even think straight I''d be so pissed off if BF/DH/SO did that to me. You agreed, as a couple, to alternate holidays and now he''s going back on it. Why couldn''t he just say to his mother that you were going to start alternating and she could either plan skiing earlier/later or could deal without the two of you? Do either of you have siblings so you could follow their pattern? My sister quickly fell in line with my and DH''s pattern making it easier on our parents. If you have siblings who have already established their holidays this could be a quick and easy way to solve who gets when.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Hmmm, you say your family stresses you out. Is that because of how they treat your BF or just in general?

If the only issue is explaining it to your family, then that doesn''t seem like much of an issue. They should be understanding of why he wants to go on this trip if you are understanding of it. If you present it as, "He just doesn''t want to be with us, argh" then they won''t take it well. But if you are ok with it and they''re still not, then that''s their problem, right?

If, on the other hand, you feel that his family trip shouldn''t be more important than being with you and your family this Christmas, then you need to express that. That doesn''t mean he''ll change his mind, but communication, mutual respect/understanding, and willingness to compromise to make each other happy is important. It doesn''t make much sense for someone to say, sorry I''m disappointing you, how can I make it up to you?, and by the way, I''m not willing to travel to more than one place. That isn''t being willing to compromise.

My husband and I always spend Christmas with my family, and my sister and her husband do about two out of three years. But that''s because that''s what our spouses would rather do too. If both of you want to be with each other and be with your own families, then rotating makes sense. Many people would prefer to be with their own family for the holidays, but when you become a couple, that just isn''t possible.

 

[EricaR]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:57:55 PM
Author: bee*
It would annoy me that he went back on his word, especially as you went to his family last year.

This is what it boils down to for me, too. This is a decision you two had made as a couple and you will need to work out what to do this year as a couple. I wouldn''t be happy with him saying "I''m going with my family, end of discussion." because it really is something you need to decide together.

I would be inclined to go with my family and then possible go meet up with him later, but then again I wouldn''t have a problem being away from K on a holiday, either.

 

[surfgirl]

I'd say, after reading your post, that your problem isn't Christmas holidays, but rather, the fact that your future husband isn't willing to compromise on something as important as where to spend the holiday as a couple. That and the fact that he promised he'd alternate and the first time he has to do so, he's bailing on you. I'm wondering if your family doesn't care for him because they're seeing something you're not? Not trying to upset you but really, his negotiating a compromise and then bailing the first time round is quite disturbing. I'd deal with that issue before marrying him because he's setting up a standard of behaviors the rest of your lives where his wants and desires are more important than yours and even if he agrees to something, he'll bail on you. Do you really want a lifetime of that? It doesn't sound like a real partnership to me...

Many couples are in this situation, BTW, and most do a rotation by alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas with each other's family. This year TDay at his family and Xmas at yours, then switch next year. But it doesn't sound like he'd even stick to that anyway. Please, deal with it now, rather than after you're married.

ETA: If your BF really is a golden boy (ie: no real negatives in his personality and no real reason for your family to dislike him), then I'd have a talk with your family and tell them that if they dont get their act together and show a little more warmth and love to him, they wont be seeing you at holiday time anymore. But that's only if there really isn't something that's spurring on their dislike.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 8:03:08 PM
Author: surfgirl

ETA: If your BF really is a golden boy (ie: no real negatives in his personality and no real reason for your family to dislike him), then I''d have a talk with your family and tell them that if they dont get their act together and show a little more warmth and love to him, they wont be seeing you at holiday time anymore. But that''s only if there really isn''t something that''s spurring on their dislike.

We had that talk this summer, and they''re making an effort. It''s partly just that they don''t know him very well, and they don''t have much in common with him, except me. And they really liked my ex (7 years ago... you''d think they would have stopped mentioning him without me having to stomp my tiny foot.) But they can only make an effort if he *shows up*. We went to Toronto over Thanksgiving this year, but (a) it''s not the Canadian holiday, and (b) my parents are divorced, so by the time you add traveling, we spent about 1 1/2 days with each family.

Surfgirl, I''d love to say that you''re wrong about the lack of compromise here, but I can''t. It''s definitely a major reason I can''t quite let this go. He presented it very well, but there''s just no ground for compromise - he''s doing what he''s doing and that''s that. Sigh... another conversation for this coming weekend.

 

[surfgirl]

OK, I get it more now. And yeah, while your parents should let it go already with the old ex, you''re right, they can''t get to know/love your guy if he never shows up. Point taken!

I think the fact that you''re acknowledging this is a real problem is hugely significant pjean, dont underestimate your gut feelings here. You''re talking about the rest of your life here. Dont settle for someone who''s never going to put you and your desires first now and again. Have you thought about getting a little couples counseling to see if that untangles some of the issues here? It might help you deal with resolving this situation in a way that''s good for both of you, not just for him. The sooner he realizes that "its my way or the highway" isn''t appropriate for a grownup, committed relationship, the sooner you can move on...hopefully together.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 10:44:28 PM
Author: surfgirl
Have you thought about getting a little couples counseling to see if that untangles some of the issues here?

Funny you should mention that. We've agreed that we'll go to couples' counseling next year, as a sort of agnostic's version of clerical pre-marital counseling. I think it will be really good for both of us. Unfortunately, we can't put every problem on hold until then. (Although this one maybe we could.)

My bf is very willing to go, and I know we'll be able to resolve this kind of issue, especially if I don't decide ahead of time that I'm in the wrong and expecting too much. Not that I'd ever do that, of course. Never. Not me.

He's actually a really good guy. Sadly however, despite the fact that we're both wonderful people, our relationship isn't perfect. Another illusion bites the dust...

ETA: we'll definitely be moving on together. We've broken up so many times at this point that we've pretty much agreed we're stuck with each other - we're just not as happy apart. Hence the counseling. And the ring! (Actually, that makes it seem like it's hundreds of times when it's actually 3, but that's still a lot. Even over 12 years.)

 

[surfgirl]

Well, given that you''re both open to couples counseling, why wait? Go NOW. Why would you want to wait ONE YEAR to work on an issue that is obviously really important to you?

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/5/2008 1:14:54 AM
Author: surfgirl
Well, given that you''re both open to couples counseling, why wait? Go NOW. Why would you want to wait ONE YEAR to work on an issue that is obviously really important to you?

I was going to say this also. Don''t wait a year. The problems are there now and not going to go away so sign up for the counseling now, especially as he is ready to do it also.

 

[pjean]

Yeah, maybe we should talk about that. We were (of course) waiting until I graduated, and then I''m also moving back in with him. But that is kind of a weird, arbitrary deadline. (Of course, it also reflects the fact that I only see him once a week or so right now.

)

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 2/5/2008 5:09:21 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 2/5/2008 1:14:54 AM
Author: surfgirl
Well, given that you''re both open to couples counseling, why wait? Go NOW. Why would you want to wait ONE YEAR to work on an issue that is obviously really important to you?

I was going to say this also. Don''t wait a year. The problems are there now and not going to go away so sign up for the counseling now, especially as he is ready to do it also.

I agree with bee* and surfgirl - do it now - don''t wait a year. The sooner you start working through these issues, the better. Good luck to you both.

 

[EricaR]

At the very least, what about picking up a relationship book to start working through?

 

[partgypsy]

I don''t know if I''m odd, but I don''t see this as that significant. It sounds like your BF''s family have been through alot (at the least 2 grandparents dying in succession) and they are planning out a year in advance skiing trip. I don''t get the indication this will be an annual thing, but more of a special trip for the family. The fact that it is being planned a year in advance and he told you about it sounds like that is important to him (and asked to make it up to you). Of course I would feel differently if this is a pattern or he finds an excuse next year not to visit your family.
Personally I am so glad now that we have children we can pull the card that we are staying put for Christmas; if family members want to see us, they can visit!