Coming out of lurkdown - My Story

[mamie]

After a few months of lurking around on PS, I wanted to come out and officially say hello. I was amazed and happy to find a group of people who are in the same boat as me! I''m sure I have sufficiently annoyed my non-Net friends by my situation, so I''m here to play with you fine ladies (in waiting). : )

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and 2 months.... and have lived together for over 3 years. He’s 29 and I’m 26. The first hurdle we had to overcome was his finding a “career” path. Two months ago, he got promoted at his company, so yay for that. On our 4 year anniversary he asked what I wanted as a present. I sheepishly told him I’d like to go shopping. His response: “For what?” I held up my left hand, but he was confused. I finally blurted out “ring shopping.” He paused….and to my utter amazement said, “Okay.” We went to two different stores that week. I began pursuing wedding planning websites like a madwoman.

It’s now been two months since he’s mentioned it, and I’ve haven’t said anything for fear of appearing pushy. (He really doesn’t want to be pushed.) The other night I finally brought it up. He told me his new promotion kind of got in the way of us pursuing the issue again, but remembers telling me we could go again (Only happened in his head…I definitely would have remembered this statement). And then I learn he was originally thinking about ring shopping before I brought it up as an anniversary present. So pretty good so far, right?

Last night I ask him what his general timeframe about becoming engaged was. He tells me a year. WHAT? He asks what my timeframe is, and I tell him 6 months. He then tells me he’s joking about the year timeframe, but I’m not convinced. At first he tells me that he just needs more time because it’s a big thing, not just a choice between white bread or Italian bread, and his mom just got divorced for the second time. (Yeah, odd analogy, but we’ll go with it.) I kinda flip out because how much more time does he need?! He then tells me it’s financial, but he’s getting there thanks to his recent promotion and agrees to 6 months.

Here’s where I could use some advice: Why would he want to ring shop if the proposal wasn’t happening for a whole year? Am I on the way to becoming a bride? Or should I give up gazing at wedding pics for a while?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

First, WELCOME to the board.

Now, onto business...

He may have agreed to shop so that he could have an idea of what you wanted and to help him create a reasonable budget. Since e-rings can change so dramatically in price based upon the setting choice, he could have been using the browsing as a way to calculate how much money he’s going to need. If you peruse the boards a bit, you’ll see many threads where ladies (and a few men) have posted about the actual cost of the e-ring being higher than they had originally anticipated.

In all honesty though, this sounds like a classic case of boy-soon vs. girl-soon. If he’s agreed to shop with you and you have started the process, I’d say you can probably rest assured it will happen. If it takes him a year to have enough saved to buy you the perfect e-ring, I say the extra 6 months are well worth it!

 

[mamie]

Keepingthefaith21, thanks so much for responding. You''re definitely right about the girl-soon vs. boy-soon. At this point I''m completely ready to take that next step, but he''s taking forever. Luckily only one of my inner group of friends is married, but I feel the stress and societal pressures constantly. Not only from other people, but from myself. I''ve always had this grand romantic notion of the guy being so sure about our love that he couldn''t wait to pop the question. I have to keep telling myself the longer we wait, the better the foundation, but geez!

If it''s strictly financial, fine - that''s a concrete reason. But I''ve let him know I would totally happy with something simple and affordable.

Thanks again for your advice!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

So many ladies mention that they would take something smaller, simpler. etc but I challenge you to think of it not in terms of what you would settle for but how romantic it is that he is going to try and get you the absolute best he can; even if getting the absolute best means it may take him a bit more time to save for the ring.

I know a couple where the man was Mr. I Can’t Wait To Be Engaged. They went to the jewelry store, she found a ring, he put it on her finger in the store and that was it. There was no excitement leading to the proposal, no anticipation and no real story to share. In order to give their story some oomph, they fabricated a proposal story. Now that I know the truth, when we watch shows like I Propose and Perfect Proposal together, she is often times more weepy than I as she regrets rushing the process and missing out on the special story behind the ring. Whenever I need a reminder of why I should have patience and wait, I think of her and her disappointment.

What I think us anxious LIW’s often overlook is how important the ring and the proposal really are to the guy. Some spend months with the ring in their hands planning a proposal or waiting for “the perfect moment”. Just don’t overlook how much it means to most men to be able to get you a ring you will melt when you see and give you a proposal story that suits the two of you to a T so you can share it with friends and family for the rest of your lives together.

 

[louisvgirl]

Keeping the fatih, you are so right on. Your patience and understanding and the way you use your words, are awesome. You truly get to the nitty gritty of it all. Am i lost, because out on the westcoast I have not seen an episode of "i Propose" or a "perfect proposal" in about a month or so. Is it off season or???? I loved "I propose"!

 

[mamie]

The sane part of my always keeps what you said in my head whenever I feel down about it. I guess the problem is more my questioning his delay. His mother is going through her second divorce, which I believe is throwing him off - in addition to the financial reason he described last night. It''s eier to fix a financial situation than an emotion setback.

I know I''m ready, and I really want him to be ready. I panic at the thought that I''m pushing him. It''s hard to fight off the feelings of bitterness I get every now and then that we aren''t where I think we should be.

I''ll keep telling myself my patience will be rewarded. : )

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/13/2007 2:21:22 PM
Author:mamie

Here’s where I could use some advice: Why would he want to ring shop if the proposal wasn’t happening for a whole year? Am I on the way to becoming a bride? Or should I give up gazing at wedding pics for a while?

Well, my bf and I started ring shopping when we had planned to be engaged a little more than a year from that point (this was a few months ago). Gives you time to shop and make sure you know what you want and gives him time to save accordingly. I don''t think it''s too bad, as long as he really is committed to that time frame. Oh and yeah, give up gazing at wedding pics, they''re just torture no matter when you''re getting engaged! (but feel free to stare at lots and lots of rings

)

 

[mamie]

I''ve been sitting here all day thinking about how long six months really is. I''m not only anxious, but I have envisioned a late-May 2009 wedding for awhile now, and I''d really like a complete year for planning (esp. to get the photographer I want).

....BUT, now we have 6 months to create the custom ring I''ve been thinking about.