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Competing with FMIL?

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fuzzers

Shiny_Rock
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Anyone else feel like you''re competing with your FMIL over your SO? My SO is very much a "mama''s boy". He lives at home and probably will until he finishes his master''s degree. She''s a wonderful cook and dotes on him all the time, making him breakfast every morning, cleaning his room, etc. How am I supposed to compete with that?? How in the world am I gonna convince him that moving in with me instead is so great? Even after we get married, move in together, etc., I am terrified of an Everybody Loves Raymond situation where the parents live next door - literally!
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He says (jokingly, I hope) that this would be great... "She could always come over to cook for us!"
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I''m an independent girl (and would like to think that I can cook and clean well enough on my own, darnit) and this would really bother me. Would this bother anyone else?

ETA: This may be cultural... they are from Europe and back home, his entire extended family lives together in a 3-story apartment. Yeesh.
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Hmm all I have to say is that if you are at the point in your relationship where you want to live together that nobody should have to convince anybody else to live with them, they should WANT to on their own.

I''ve never heard of a mom doing so much for a grown kid but I''m also a usa girl so it could just be the culture differences.
 
Date: 12/11/2008 1:17:41 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
Hmm all I have to say is that if you are at the point in your relationship where you want to live together that nobody should have to convince anybody else to live with them, they should WANT to on their own.


I''ve never heard of a mom doing so much for a grown kid but I''m also a usa girl so it could just be the culture differences.

Ditto

Yeah in my culture that is the norm for a son, I personally think it is terrible but yeah I watched my cousins having their mum''s fuss over them serving them and all that and the wife is also expected to wait on the hubby
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, hahaha not in my lifetime poor FI missed out here. Also the whole family living in one place yup that happens a lot as well back there as well, each to their own.
 
lol, not sure it''s a cultural thing. I''m from Europe and I don''t think that''s really normal, tbh. I guess we do spend more time with our family and realtives, compared to most USA families, and there are people who live in their parents'' house till their mid 20s for example, but that''s not the norm. Me and DH live in my parents'' house at the moment since our home is still not finished (should be ready in March-April hopefully. Yay!
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) and we just can''t afford to spend any money on rent with all the building and finishing works. Still, we barely see my family, even though we live together. They don''t bother us and we don''t bother them. We keep a safe distance and usually come down for dinner to say hi and that''s pretty much all the contacts we have with them.
I''m not sure I''d be able to keep my sanity if my mother was always hovering, cleaning my room or coming over to cook. Hmmm...not really acceptable, no.
 
The amount of Irish boys over here who live with their mammies!! Quite a few of my male friends who live at home have their mams doing all that for them as well. It would really bother me. D was so used to having everything done for him before he moved in with me, but I soon whipped him into shape and now he can clean (the cooking still leaves a lot to be desired).
 
When SO and I first started dating, he warned me that his parents lived nearby. And by "nearby" I mean in the same neighborhood maybe 1/4 mile down the road? Within easy walking distance anyway. At first it seemed like they came by pretty often, usually unannounced. Once, a number of months into our relationship, I was in the kitchen doing a frantic baking session (for our upcoming camping trip) while also doing my laundry. Long story short, SO''s mom came while I was baking in a tank top and panties! I was pretty embarrassed! LOL After I moved in, I did notice that they stopped coming by quite so often. And they call, oh, maybe 50% of the time now. Of course, I don''t have to compete in the kitchen because she is not the greatest cook (self-proclaimed and confirmed by her entire family).

So, it''s not quite Everybody Loves Raymond in our situation, but I can see how your situation could be very frustrating. As long as he''s choosing YOU first, I''m sure you''ll be able to get boundaries sorted out. Oh, and will it drive you nuts to have to pick up after him? Because it sounds like he''s never had to do that and will likely expect you to do it for him.
 
He''s actually very self-sufficient on his own, like when his parents go overseas for a while. He''s just very... confortable. I''m wondering when the light will turn on and he will say, "Hey, I think it''s time I moved out and started life with Fuzzers". Because personally, I''m tired of living with roommates and am wanting to move this relationship forward in the forseeable future!
 
Date: 12/11/2008 2:24:44 PM
Author: fuzzers
He''s actually very self-sufficient on his own, like when his parents go overseas for a while. He''s just very... confortable. I''m wondering when the light will turn on and he will say, ''Hey, I think it''s time I moved out and started life with Fuzzers''. Because personally, I''m tired of living with roommates and am wanting to move this relationship forward in the forseeable future!
Why don''t you just ask him when he sees you two taking that next step? I don''t know how long you''ve been together, but if it is a long-term thing, I would start to have an issue with him living at home instead of us moving in together.

I have no real issue with people living at home- I did, til I moved out earlier this year at 24. But, I would strongly prefer that my future H had lived in a relatively self-sufficient capacity prior to us cohabitating (whether that is at home or not). SO lived on his own for 8 years before we moved in together and I truly believe it did help - he''s great around the house and we never have any chore quarrels like so many couples seem to (since in general, even studies say women do more around the home).

My concern would be this: even if he is self-sufficient on his own while they are away, that is only a temporary situation - he knows his mom (who is basically acting as his maid/chef/personal assistant) will be back to take care of everything soon enough. So while I''m sure he''s capable of doing those things himself, he''s not accustomed to doing so on a permanent/infinite basis.

Given that, I would just want to make sure that you two have a clear understanding of the division of your respective household responsibilities.
 
My DH lived at home until we got married, his mom did all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. It was a little adjustment for him to learn how to live with someone who won''t pick his clothes up off the floor for him, but at least I am a better cook! I just "reminded" him when he did something that I didn''t agree with, and eventually I got him trained.

We moved to a different state about a year and a half into our marriage, and that has helped a lot with him becoming more independent! She still likes to butt her head into things once in a while, but I think she''s finally letting go (now that it''s been 7 years!)
 
Date: 12/11/2008 12:48:29 PM
Author: Still_Waiting
When SO and I first started dating, he warned me that his parents lived nearby. And by ''nearby'' I mean in the same neighborhood maybe 1/4 mile down the road? Within easy walking distance anyway. At first it seemed like they came by pretty often, usually unannounced. Once, a number of months into our relationship, I was in the kitchen doing a frantic baking session (for our upcoming camping trip) while also doing my laundry. Long story short, SO''s mom came while I was baking in a tank top and panties! I was pretty embarrassed! LOL After I moved in, I did notice that they stopped coming by quite so often. And they call, oh, maybe 50% of the time now. Of course, I don''t have to compete in the kitchen because she is not the greatest cook (self-proclaimed and confirmed by her entire family).

This is exactly how I feel! My FI is currently living in a house that his parents own(they bought this "farm" property for recreation purposes and rented out the house. When FI graduated college, they let him live there for insurance purposes. He does not pay rent, but pays for the utilities and takes care of the 15 acres pretty much by himself. He does all the maintenance on farm equipment and even his parents'' cars, so I feel that he earns his keep.) The bad part about this situation is that because his parents own the house, they do have the right to stop by whenever they want, which is unfortunately often (neither parent works). His mom got into the habit of using his house as storage for her deceased mother''s furniture. FI complained, and she stormed in one day and took all of the furniture and put it into another building on the property. She walked right in the door and past me without saying a word to me. It was incredibly awkward. His dad spends a lot of time there also, mowing the lawn (i.e. doing whatever he can to avoid his wife at home) and will sometimes come in and steal my beer and sit down next to me while Ilm trying to read a book in peace. I could go on like this forever! lol. It is very much an Everybody Loves Raymond situation.

I don''t live with him yet as my current job is only 5 minutes from my parents'' house and he lives an hour away. I stay with him on the weekends. I hope that when I move in, things will change, but my greatest fear is that it won''t. We''ve talked about this many times and it''s almost become a deal breaker for us. The house is small and needs a lot of work, but the property is my dream and we will never be able to afford something comparable on our own. He would never be happy in an apartment or small house without a yard because working on cars and doing "farm work" is his passion. I pretty much feel stuck in this situation.
 
Date: 12/12/2008 12:45:01 PM
Author: rnbwsktles

Date: 12/11/2008 12:48:29 PM
Author: Still_Waiting
When SO and I first started dating, he warned me that his parents lived nearby. And by ''nearby'' I mean in the same neighborhood maybe 1/4 mile down the road? Within easy walking distance anyway. At first it seemed like they came by pretty often, usually unannounced. Once, a number of months into our relationship, I was in the kitchen doing a frantic baking session (for our upcoming camping trip) while also doing my laundry. Long story short, SO''s mom came while I was baking in a tank top and panties! I was pretty embarrassed! LOL After I moved in, I did notice that they stopped coming by quite so often. And they call, oh, maybe 50% of the time now. Of course, I don''t have to compete in the kitchen because she is not the greatest cook (self-proclaimed and confirmed by her entire family).

This is exactly how I feel! My FI is currently living in a house that his parents own(they bought this ''farm'' property for recreation purposes and rented out the house. When FI graduated college, they let him live there for insurance purposes. He does not pay rent, but pays for the utilities and takes care of the 15 acres pretty much by himself. He does all the maintenance on farm equipment and even his parents'' cars, so I feel that he earns his keep.) The bad part about this situation is that because his parents own the house, they do have the right to stop by whenever they want, which is unfortunately often (neither parent works). His mom got into the habit of using his house as storage for her deceased mother''s furniture. FI complained, and she stormed in one day and took all of the furniture and put it into another building on the property. She walked right in the door and past me without saying a word to me. It was incredibly awkward. His dad spends a lot of time there also, mowing the lawn (i.e. doing whatever he can to avoid his wife at home) and will sometimes come in and steal my beer and sit down next to me while Ilm trying to read a book in peace. I could go on like this forever! lol. It is very much an Everybody Loves Raymond situation.

I don''t live with him yet as my current job is only 5 minutes from my parents'' house and he lives an hour away. I stay with him on the weekends. I hope that when I move in, things will change, but my greatest fear is that it won''t. We''ve talked about this many times and it''s almost become a deal breaker for us. The house is small and needs a lot of work, but the property is my dream and we will never be able to afford something comparable on our own. He would never be happy in an apartment or small house without a yard because working on cars and doing ''farm work'' is his passion. I pretty much feel stuck in this situation.
Sorry to hear this, rnbwsktles! I am a very private person and wouldn''t stand having people barge in on me unexpected.
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I don''t think I would be happy in a situation like this, so I''m very afraid of it happening. I hope things improve for you!
 
Date: 12/11/2008 2:24:44 PM
Author: fuzzers
He''s actually very self-sufficient on his own, like when his parents go overseas for a while. He''s just very... confortable. I''m wondering when the light will turn on and he will say, ''Hey, I think it''s time I moved out and started life with Fuzzers''. Because personally, I''m tired of living with roommates and am wanting to move this relationship forward in the forseeable future!
I was worried about similar things--my SO lived at home before moving 200 miles from home to get an apartment in London with me back in August. He used to have his laundry done, the dishes done, the house cleaned and all his meals made for him--also by an excellent cook (way way WAY better than me!). He also didn''t have to pay rent, or electricity bills or anything, so in every respect life was so much easier with his parents. I told him that I wasn''t going to do all those things for him and that money was going to be tight until he got a steady job, and even then things would never be as easy as they are when he was living with his folks because they''re rich and I''m a teacher (don''t make heaps) and have lots of student loans. I thought it was possible he wouldn''t want to deal with the harsh realities of life without mummy and dad and wouldn''t move with me, but he did.

He had talked about us getting married long before he talked about us living together, so I had to expressly say, "We will NOT be married and living with your parents!!" to make sure he knew there was no way he would live there forever if he was with me. He told me that he knew it was past overdue for him to move out, but that he hadn''t had the motivation to do it before me.

So, you never know.
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I wouldn''t say I "compete" per se, but sometimes it nauseates me how much his mother fawns over him. My family is NOT like that, so it makes it even weirder for me. For example, she said one night at dinner about how she remembers touching his face when he was younger and first started growing his beard, and how he''s so grown up now. It made me want to vomit. LOL. Whenever he and I come over she always yells out "JIMMY!!!" like he''s a little boy and gives him a huge hug. Whenever I''m over, she only asks him about his life, and rarely tries to make conversation with me, unless he''s left the room and is forced to.

She is a nice woman, and we get along just fine, but it just weirds me out. Mostly because my family is just polar opposite.

FF is not a mama''s boy. She treats him like he is, and he''ll let her act that way (because it makes her happy) but she in no way interferes, nor would he allow it.

I''ve got it pretty good when it comes to in-laws.
 
Haha this is a funny topic.

Eventually, your man will have to grow up and move on. Him being sefl-sufficient when she''s not around is a good sign. But her fussing over his every little thing is really more about her own ''stuff'', not his, and is not really doing anyone any favours. She needs to find a hobby!
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The only wedding photo my m-i-l has from our wedding is one of my husband, alone.
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Living on the other side of the country helps.
Having kids has helped sort that little maladjustment out also. He''s a big boy now.
 
I love this topic. :)

Well in our case SO comes from a culture where boys definitely get doted on by mom as well.. before we moved in together his mom and sister lived with him (they came over to Canada long after he was already here and he paid most of the rent) and when I''d be over there he''d be totally spoiled but it kind of made sense since he''s the only one working (his sister is a student). At home he''s pretty good. We do the laundry together but I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I''m just as good a cook as his mom so we don''t have that competition.
At the moment we live pretty far from them within the same city so we don''t have the dropping by problem. BUT my SO had this crazy idea that we should buy a two story house and rent either the basement or the second floor to his mom and sister! Ummm no thanks! First of all I like my privacy. Secondly I HAVE to be in the mood for company in order for any visits to be fun. Also, his mom''s english is not that great and I don''t speak their language so I''d have to constantly be listening to a language I don''t understand in my own home? No thanks! Even his sister, who speaks very good english, will sometimes speak their language when it''s the three of us (me, SO and her) which I think is REALLY rude. I mean she can speak english so why make me feel left out by speaking another language in front of me? I have pretty much told him that his proposed living arrangement is not acceptable to me. I''m originally from Europe and in my country we have a saying - "never live close enough to in laws that they can come over in their slippers". Otherwise I don''t have any complaints as his mom and sister are really sweet and like me a lot
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Mine wasn't the FMIL (now MIL)... it was his grandmother who did not, and still does not, want to admit that he's grown up and he has another woman in his life that isn't her.

She went so far as to try and sabotage the wedding by taking him to the wrong place (she, of course, tried to claim she didn't know, and yet for WEEKS she made a point to confirm the location with me every other day... but that day, oops, she conveniently forgot). He was an hour late to the wedding because of her. Even her own daughter said she knew she had done it intentionally, hoping we would call the wedding off if he was late enough!

I STILL cannot wait to get as far away from this woman as possible.

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OMG Nocturnius! That is a super scary story.
 
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