Competition?

[CNOS128]

Um... so princesss''s post about not wanting to discuss her 3-year anniversary w/ friends made me think about one of my best friends. She''s been dating her boyfriend about 4 months longer than I''ve been in a relationship, but she wants to compare every step and every milestone in her relationship to those in mine.

For instance, she and her man haven''t yet discussed marriage; we have. This makes her jealous, sad, weepy. She frequently tells me, "Oh, BigT, I know you''re going to get married first!" And I can''t help but wonder how I got involved in this competition. I chalk it up to insecurity, but sometimes it makes me not want to tell her any good news or updates because I''m afraid to make her feel bad.

(She also compares birthday & christmas gifts, the guys'' salaries, etc, but marriage is a central focus in her life).


So...do we all have friends who are jealous of our happy moments, or is just me and my wackadoodle bunch?




BigT

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/31/2008 2:06:45 PM
Author:TheBigT
Um... so princesss''s post about not wanting to discuss her 3-year anniversary w/ friends made me think about one of my best friends. She''s been dating her boyfriend about 4 months longer than I''ve been in a relationship, but she wants to compare every step and every milestone in her relationship to those in mine.

For instance, she and her man haven''t yet discussed marriage; we have. This makes her jealous, sad, weepy. She frequently tells me, ''Oh, BigT, I know you''re going to get married first!'' And I can''t help but wonder how I got involved in this competition. I chalk it up to insecurity, but sometimes it makes me not want to tell her any good news or updates because I''m afraid to make her feel bad.

(She also compares birthday & christmas gifts, the guys'' salaries, etc, but marriage is a central focus in her life).


So...do we all have friends who are jealous of our happy moments, or is just me and my wackadoodle bunch?




BigT

All I have to say is YES. I believe there will always be people out there that will want to compete over things like engagements and weddings. Sadly, it''s just part of society. And I can''t speak for everyone, but I know personally that my Best Friend who doesn''t have a bf seems to make me feel bad for me being in love. She also competes with Eric for my attention. She will try to limit my time spent with him over her and if we are all together, she makes it a point to get in between us. It''s a form of jealousy and for the most part I put up with it.

So yes - I believe we all have someone who may be jealous whether they are in a relationship and trying to compare to yours, or don''t have anyone and compete with the boyfriend... Either way - they are out there. And depending on how you feel, it''s your choice to ignore it and walk away (which some have done on here) or deal with it and maybe have a serious talk about the frustrations plaguing your friendship.

Good luck!!

 

[misscuppycake]

For sure! My situation is not quite as extreme as yours, but I have a friend who is quite jealous about anything and everything I have to say with marriage. The ironic thing is that I''m not the one who''s really after an engagement in the very near future, but she is. So if I even mention that I get a promise ring or that we were loosely discussing it, she says how envious she is and how she''s actually been going out longer, etc.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Luckily I don''t have any friends like that BUT SO''s sister is turning into a bit of a nightmare! She''s only 22, unmarried but has two children. She always says she''s not bothered about getting married yet and wants another baby first. I was chatting to her over the internet the other night and saying how I was getting a bit sad about how long SO is taking to propose and how now he is talking about a house it is taking even longer.

She then replied with, "Oh you should have Paul (her SO) he''s always going on about how he can''t wait to marry me and will I marry him." Thanks!!!! I''ve always been so sympathetic with her and her problems and it just seemed like a smack in the face! She was alsp saying things like, "He will ask you one day, just don''t rush him." Well I don''t call 7 years rushing and she''s only been with her SO for four yet it''s ok for them to move on but not me! Grrrr!!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/31/2008 2:06:45 PM
Author:TheBigT

So...do we all have friends who are jealous of our happy moments, or is just me and my wackadoodle bunch?

I don't think it's so much jealousy as it is that people don't like looking at their own lives and insecurities. I know I don't. Lately, I have been suffering A LOT from the "Omigod, I'm 40 --- and what the hell do I have to show for myself?" brain-tape. It's TOTALLY IRRATIONAL and I know it. But I have to consciously remind myself of real facts like a) I have a beautiful son who is 7 and who reads on a 6th grade level (smart smart kid), b) Even though I will be 40, I don't look it and still wear clothes in single number sizes because I have been diligent at caring for myself all these years, c) I have a good education that I self-financed and d) I have a job that makes me happy and the best group of girlfriends anyone could have. But whenever I see someone else I know buying a house, getting married or accomplishing something that I want to accomplish/do - especially if it's something I have been trying to make happen for a while - I feel crappy. A friend of mine went through this, too, when my son was born. Whenever she'd come over to see the baby, you could tell that she was trying not to cry. So one day I asked her about it and she confessed that she was jealous of me. She was, like, "I know this is stupid! I don't even want kids!" She had had female problems for years and knew already she was not going to be able to have a biological child. For the most part, she was fine with that - she actually didn't want kids, ever, for honest truth. But the fact that I had a child and she could never have one, even if she did want one, bothered her.

I think it's human nature to feel like this. "Competition" is something that people knowingly engage in. Your feelings are your feelings, and we don't control them or where they come from or when they'll choose to come out and bite us in the butt. Another friend of mine got married recently and I was a little blue at her reception (despite trying to hide it). She asked me about it later and I told her, "I really am happy for you. It's my stupid issues. Being at your wedding made me think about how my life isn't exactly how I want it. What you have, I want for myself. I hope this doesn't rain on your parade; I'm human, you know." She laughed and said to me, "I have thought something similar everytime I see you in skinny jeans that I could never pull off."

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sunnyd]

My friends compete over EVERYTHING!!! It''s quite funny to watch, because I want no part of it; I don''t care!!! But someone always has to have the bigger house, the bigger truck, the bigger boat, the most toys, best behaved dogs...etc etc ETC!!! Now that they''re having babies, I fear what will happen.

Oddly though it has nothing to do with rings and engagements, I don''t know where I got this bug from.

It''s mostly the boys I guess...a strange phenomenon.

 

[TravelingGal]

Funny, a newer friend and I were talking about this last night. She has some extremely competitive friends (bordering on insane, IMHO), and she asked me, "don''t you have friends like this?"

The answer is no. I mean, if they were that competitive, I don''t think they qualify as friends. I have no need for toxic people like that in my life. And I myself, want to be a source of joy and help to others, not envy or malice. It helps that I don''t really have a lot materialistically anyway. Haha.

The aforementioned friend was telling me stories last night about her competitive friend. Honestly, I can''t believe that people like that can exist...and how they can really FEEL like that. I''m sure there are all kinds of issues to contribute to it, but my first feeling is that must be pretty soulless.

 

[Delster]

Date: 1/31/2008 4:34:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Funny, a newer friend and I were talking about this last night. She has some extremely competitive friends (bordering on insane, IMHO), and she asked me, ''don''t you have friends like this?''

The answer is no. I mean, if they were that competitive, I don''t think they qualify as friends. I have no need for toxic people like that in my life. And I myself, want to be a source of joy and help to others, not envy or malice. It helps that I don''t really have a lot materialistically anyway. Haha.

The aforementioned friend was telling me stories last night about her competitive friend. Honestly, I can''t believe that people like that can exist...and how they can really FEEL like that. I''m sure there are all kinds of issues to contribute to it, but my first feeling is that must be pretty soulless.

Ditto to all of this!

 

[bee*]

Yeah I agree with TGal. I don''t have any friends that compete over all this. I did when I was in secondary school and they''re no longer my friends. Can you not say to her that you''d prefer it if you didn''t compete over this and that as long as you''re both happy in your relationships that''s the main thing.

 

[CNOS128]

And yet sometimes we accept people in spite of their flaws... In this case, I think my friend''s positive qualities significantly outweigh her negative ones. I try not to see circumstances as so black & white: you''re sometimes unpleasant and therefore I cannot be your friend.

When I can deal with my friend''s craziness, I spend time with her; otherwise I don''t.
I''m (I like to think) insightful enough to realize that this competition comes from a need to feel loved and accepted and good about herself, so it doesn''t impact my life too terribly much.

She''s also not a one-dimensional character. In addition to being jealous of my relationship, she''s also incredibly supportive and understanding in other areas.

Even so, I would probably be closer to her if this weren''t standing between us.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/31/2008 5:19:54 PM
Author: TheBigT
And yet sometimes we accept people in spite of their flaws... In this case, I think my friend''s positive qualities significantly outweigh her negative ones. I try not to see circumstances as so black & white: you''re sometimes unpleasant and therefore I cannot be your friend.

When I can deal with my friend''s craziness, I spend time with her; otherwise I don''t.
I''m (I like to think) insightful enough to realize that this competition comes from a need to feel loved and accepted and good about herself, so it doesn''t impact my life too terribly much.

She''s also not a one-dimensional character. In addition to being jealous of my relationship, she''s also incredibly supportive and understanding in other areas.

Even so, I would probably be closer to her if this weren''t standing between us.

Ooooohhhh...your friend has positive qualities? Well you didn''t MENTION that!

None of my friends are perfect. Neither am I. You have to weigh the good against the bad. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I am not so altruistic where I waste my time being friends with someone who is just a taker. Relationships go both ways. I expect to give to it, and expect to take from it. And like any relationship, I expect that I can COMMUNICATE and work things out if things get a little funky.

I had a friend once (in college) who was a nutter. Extremely competitive. Interestingly, it wasn''t as much with me as with some of my other friends. She was deceitful, manipulative and a lot of other things...all the while having an extremely sweet and "selfless" front. I''ll spare you the gory stories, but I dumped her and never looked back. That may be harsh, but if she were a boyfriend, I am sure that people would be totally understanding of the dump. Sometimes, women friends need to be dumped too.

 

[bee*]

ditto to TGals post.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/31/2008 2:06:45 PM
Author:TheBigT
So...do we all have friends who are jealous of our happy moments, or is just me and my wackadoodle bunch?

BigT

Used to, but I killed them.

























(kidding!! sheesh

)

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 1/31/2008 5:26:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/31/2008 5:19:54 PM
Author: TheBigT
And yet sometimes we accept people in spite of their flaws... In this case, I think my friend''s positive qualities significantly outweigh her negative ones. I try not to see circumstances as so black & white: you''re sometimes unpleasant and therefore I cannot be your friend.

When I can deal with my friend''s craziness, I spend time with her; otherwise I don''t.
I''m (I like to think) insightful enough to realize that this competition comes from a need to feel loved and accepted and good about herself, so it doesn''t impact my life too terribly much.

She''s also not a one-dimensional character. In addition to being jealous of my relationship, she''s also incredibly supportive and understanding in other areas.

Even so, I would probably be closer to her if this weren''t standing between us.

Ooooohhhh...your friend has positive qualities? Well you didn''t MENTION that!

None of my friends are perfect. Neither am I. You have to weigh the good against the bad. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I am not so altruistic where I waste my time being friends with someone who is just a taker. Relationships go both ways. I expect to give to it, and expect to take from it. And like any relationship, I expect that I can COMMUNICATE and work things out if things get a little funky.

I had a friend once (in college) who was a nutter. Extremely competitive. Interestingly, it wasn''t as much with me as with some of my other friends. She was deceitful, manipulative and a lot of other things...all the while having an extremely sweet and ''selfless'' front. I''ll spare you the gory stories, but I dumped her and never looked back. That may be harsh, but if she were a boyfriend, I am sure that people would be totally understanding of the dump. Sometimes, women friends need to be dumped too.

Perfectly stated (as always) TGal. I am more than willing to give of myself to help out my friends, but one-sidedness can only go so far, and for me, it''s not that far.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 1/31/2008 5:26:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/31/2008 5:19:54 PM
Author: TheBigT
And yet sometimes we accept people in spite of their flaws... In this case, I think my friend''s positive qualities significantly outweigh her negative ones. I try not to see circumstances as so black & white: you''re sometimes unpleasant and therefore I cannot be your friend.

When I can deal with my friend''s craziness, I spend time with her; otherwise I don''t.
I''m (I like to think) insightful enough to realize that this competition comes from a need to feel loved and accepted and good about herself, so it doesn''t impact my life too terribly much.

She''s also not a one-dimensional character. In addition to being jealous of my relationship, she''s also incredibly supportive and understanding in other areas.

Even so, I would probably be closer to her if this weren''t standing between us.

Ooooohhhh...your friend has positive qualities? Well you didn''t MENTION that!

None of my friends are perfect. Neither am I. You have to weigh the good against the bad. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I am not so altruistic where I waste my time being friends with someone who is just a taker. Relationships go both ways. I expect to give to it, and expect to take from it. And like any relationship, I expect that I can COMMUNICATE and work things out if things get a little funky.

I had a friend once (in college) who was a nutter. Extremely competitive. Interestingly, it wasn''t as much with me as with some of my other friends. She was deceitful, manipulative and a lot of other things...all the while having an extremely sweet and ''selfless'' front. I''ll spare you the gory stories, but I dumped her and never looked back. That may be harsh, but if she were a boyfriend, I am sure that people would be totally understanding of the dump. Sometimes, women friends need to be dumped too.

Ha! No kidding. It''s funny how we let our friends get away with some stuff that would for sure warrant a dumping if our SOs did it. Weird...

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/31/2008 4:34:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Funny, a newer friend and I were talking about this last night. She has some extremely competitive friends (bordering on insane, IMHO), and she asked me, ''don''t you have friends like this?''


The answer is no. I mean, if they were that competitive, I don''t think they qualify as friends. I have no need for toxic people like that in my life. And I myself, want to be a source of joy and help to others, not envy or malice. It helps that I don''t really have a lot materialistically anyway. Haha.


The aforementioned friend was telling me stories last night about her competitive friend. Honestly, I can''t believe that people like that can exist...and how they can really FEEL like that. I''m sure there are all kinds of issues to contribute to it, but my first feeling is that must be pretty soulless.

DI.TTO.

This does not sound like a friend, this sounds like a subdued version of a character from Mean Girls. I can''t imagine being friends with someone like this--why bother?

 

[anchor31]

I did have a friend like that. We were both 20-years-old, and she was moving in with her boyfriend of 8 months and was very excited... I''d been with J for 2 years then and she asked me why we hadn''t made the big move yet. There were many reasons at the time (I was away for college, for starters) and I told her that I didn''t feel quite ready yet and that we had decided to wait until we were at least engaged. I think seeing that someone she was close to was considering something as serious and adult as marriage and not just "playing house" freaked her out and made her feel extremely insecure. It was like seeing her turn into another person. It was horrible. She told me I was crazy, that I was blackmailing my boyfriend into proposing, that nobody should ever marry someone before living with them and that marriage is just a stupid, worthless piece of paper and a waste of money. I didn''t stay friends with that girl very long.

Family, however, is not something you can dismiss so easily... My sister turned into a monster for a whole year when J and I were engaged (a year after I ditched the "friend"). I posted about the drama a fair few times... My sister is my twin, who''s never had a serious romantic relationship (and not for lack of wanting one). She was freaked out about me getting married, and I mean completely FREAKED OUT. It was a hard year with her, she wanted nothing to do with the wedding, didn''t want to hear about it, and was being very cynical about the fact that J and I moved in together one year after we were engaged, with unrefundable deposits made on wedding vendors. She flat out told me it was going to crash and burn and she was just trying to help me. Fortunately, she''s been gone on an college exchange in Australia for the last 6 months and she has been doing so much growing up I can''t even believe it. She even called me twice to talk about the wedding!

Things are definitely improving, and it''s a HUGE relief. By the time she comes home, just 4 weeks before the wedding, I think she''ll have finally come to terms with it.

 

[Sabine]

I think we all have moments where we can''t help but feel jealous of even those we love most in our lives. And sometimes, unfortunately, we can''t help it if that jealousy shows. But that jealousy and/or competition should not keep us from being truly happy for our friends and showing them support for the great achievements in their lives.

You need to decide whether this person is truly mean spirited and selfish (and since you said she is competitive in multiple areas of your lives, it might be true) or whether she was just suffering from momentary weakness. If these bouts of competition are few and far between and don''t really come between a true friendship, then I would just let it go and be understanding that your friend is struggling with not having what she wants in life. But if it is all the time, cut her loose!

 

[tberube]

I lost a long-time friend to that competition. It surfaced as soon as I started dating my fiance. When I told her we were a couple (she was still single) she said "now you're going to get married before me!" Then about a year or so later she met a guy and immediately started in with the "we're going to get engaged" bullcrap. She got engaged three months before me and it was the worst three months ever. All she talked about was her proposal and her ring and talked badly about her sister who got engaged a month later ("with a 'small diamond'...ick"). When FI and I got engaged she started giving me an attitude about the fact that our wedding plans were panning out faster than hers, because her FI couldn't afford to save for a wedding right away due to the (credit card) expense of her engagement ring. Then she bashed my wedding venue and got mad at me when I decided not to have bridesmaids. That's when I said forget it. I confronted her about it and she became angry with me and ended the friendship.

Competition between friends sucks the life out of you. And it's not a friendship, it's just a way for the other person to feel like she's better than someone else. Just don't let it happen. Stop sharing things about your relationship, maybe she'll get the picture. If not, then confront her about it or stop being her friend - because it'll only get worse.

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[tberube]

Date: 1/31/2008 6:07:59 PM
Author: gwendolyn


Used to, but I killed them.


























(kidding!! sheesh

)

Gwendolyn!!! HHAAHAHHAHAHAAAA!!!!