Complainers- vent

[Smurfysmiles]

I post this here because this is causing me so much stress that I am getting tension headaches daily from it. I just need to get this off my chest here because everyone, and i mean EVERYONE i know seems to be the cause for this.

Everyone seems to come to me to complain about their problems. Now I don''t know why, what it is that appeals about me that people would think I like to hear them complain. It''s always something. At least 3 different people complain to me everyday and it''s people who are very close to me. I just don''t know what to do. I''m not mean, I can''t tell them to stop because I love them all and they do have very real problems. But sometimes it''s just like can we just talk about something normal for once? The weather? The latest news? ANYTHING! I''m becoming so irritable and I just can''t seem to destress. The only time I''m not stressed is when I''m sleeping, which is rare because I''m usually too stressed to sleep. I know I am contradicting myself by complaining here but it seems like lately everyone feels their problems are so much worse than mine and I''m forced to bottle them up. As a result I just cry in the shower to get the frustration out. Please please any help, suggestions, anything. I feel like I''m going crazy.

 

[ms_claudia]

I know this sounds cheesy but run. Not at a gym or on a treadmill, run outside in the fresh air.
Whenever I feel a meltdown coming on I put on my sneaks and run. It feels like your running away from all the crap thats bothering you and I swear it clears your mind like nothing else, the end result is less stress and a better head on your shoulders to think and make decisions with. You also feel good when your finished because you''ve channeled your energy into something thats good for you, its feels MUCH better than polishing off a pint of Ben and Jerry''s by yourself, trust me I know from experience

Case in point: When I found out my ex cheated on me (via phone conversation with one of my friends) I was flooded with so much stress, anger, and sadness that my head felt like it was imploding. Instead of curling up on the couch with Ben & Jerry''s, sobbing and asking the ex "Why?" I just immediately put on my sneakers and ran my little butt off something fierce! By the end of the run I felt 100000000x better and my mind was totally clear... so clear that I never made the mistake of even THINKING about getting back with him.

I swear by the "run away from your problems literally" method.
I hope this works for you. Let me know how it goes.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i totally agree with you although its speed walking for me, i HATE running
its just so hard to get up and go when i have such bad headaches

does anyone have any suggestions on what i could say to everyone to get them to back off for awhile? last night i just cried and cried and i dont think fi really understood why, it was hard to explain between the sobs

i dont have to worry about the ben and jerrys because i already ate it haha ooops

 

[musey]

Oh man. I know it''s hard, but these people are talking to you because they think of you as a good friend and good listener.

This is why I don''t vent about my problems to anyone. Very, very few people actually get anything out of being vented to, and most people are bitter about it. So, I let it out in other ways, and ''discuss'' things with people when needed, but no venting.

 

[merrymunky]

I''m sorry to hear you are having trouble dealing with everyone elses troubles.

It''s incredibly hard, especially when you are a good listener. People will naturally turn to someone who they can confide in and who will provide a friendly ear and a word of advice.

I know it may be hard, but would it be worth just asking these people to give you some breathing space? I know it sounds like the most obvious response and probably the most tricky solution too...but if they are truly good friends/family, then they will appreciate that you need some time out from being their confident.

 

[Haven]

Smurfy--It sounds like your friends see you as a very caring and sympathetic friend, which is a good thing. I understand that it can be overwhelming to constantly be on the receiving end of complaints, so I'll share what I do.

Instead of getting caught up in the issue I always extend the benefit of the doubt to the offending party. For example, if a friend comes to me complaining that her husband isn't affectionate enough, I don't feed into the problem by sympathizing with her (e.g. You're right, he is so cold/I can't believe he wouldn't even hold your hand/what a jerk!/etc). Instead, I try to shift her perspective (and thus, her anger) by offering an alternative perspective (e.g. Did you ask him if there was something on his mind that was distracting him?/ Maybe he was still upset about what happened at work that day/Is it possible that he didn't even know that you wanted him to hold your hand?)

This tactic works in two ways: First, it dissipates my friend's anger because I shift her focus from herself to the offending party, and second, it tells my friends that I am not going to feed into their anger so they don't call me if they're just looking for someone to bitch with (pardon my language).

And, ultimately, I think I'm being far more helpful by doing this than I would be by allowing someone to endlessly stew in her anger. I'm happy to listen to a friend if she really wants help working through an issue, but I'm not happy to listen if she just wants to gripe about someone. I try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life, and that includes tangential stress from upset friends.

Give it a try, it will help.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/2/2009 3:27:20 PM
Author: musey
Oh man. I know it''s hard, but these people are talking to you because they think of you as a good friend and good listener.

This is why I don''t vent about my problems to anyone. Very, very few people actually get anything out of being vented to, and most people are bitter about it. So, I let it out in other ways, and ''discuss'' things with people when needed, but no venting.

Ditto.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thank you for all the comments guys, ill definitely try them out
and ironically, thanks for listening to me vent lol

 

[VRBeauty]

Smurfy: I''m getting the sense that the people who are complaining to you aren''t amenable to being asked to change the subject, or to take their complaints elsewhere!

I''m no expert, but it seems like your friends are coming to you either for attention, or to validate their complaint.

Have you tried not engaging? Don''t offer advice or sympathy, don''t try to help them figure anything out, just respond with an "uh-huh" every now and then. If they ask about your lack of engagement, just say that your mind is elsewhere, which might give you a chance to change the subject. Anyhow, they''ll eventually stop coming to you to vent if you stop giving them the attention or validation they''re looking for.