compromising religious and secular ceremonies

[Rhapsody]

I''m not even officially engaged yet but I''m starting to panic about having a wedding. I''m hoping to start grad school in fall of 07, and told my boyfriend that if we''re changing my name it needs to be before I start school so that all my work will be in the same name. So I still have a year and a half to figure things out...

The dilemma is that I really dont want to have a traditional wedding ceremony or reception. A lot of mine and my boyfriends family is very religious and they would be seriously upset if we dont have the full blown church wedding, but my boyfriend and I aren''t religious at all and dont feel comfortable having a religious ceremony. My boyfriend even felt uncomfortable as a groomsman at a traditional wedding so it wouldnt be pretty for us. We really want to elope and get married in Thailand, alone, and have some sort of reception when we get back.

I feel like its an all or nothing situation, because I''m afraid that if I have a reception afterward that our families will just give us a hard time for not having the wedding they would have wanted. I''m even afraid to announce our engagement because I know the pressure will immediately start and it will be a long 15 or 16 months of defending why we dont want a wedding.

If anyone has had a similar situation or has any advice for handling this I would certainly appreciate it.

 

[peonygirl]

Rhapsody, this isn''t answering your main question, but are you completely sure that you have to change your name *before* you start grad school? Realisitically, you probably won''t start getting publications until at least the second year of grad school (if that''s what you''re worried about), and I can''t think of any other thing for which a name change would be problematic.

 

[valeria101]

I don''t think changing names in grad school is so hard - it may depend on school, but a few colleagues did that and was not too much trouble.


The rest... I have no experience, but would surely HATE to explain nything of that sort to my family. Having a boyfriend of a different religion was hard enough in that sense (family acceptance). It didn''t get as far as wedding though.

 

[Rhapsody]

I was talking to my PI in the lab I work for and she said that several of her friends who got married in the course of their PhD work had some issues. I would just rather avoid any possible problems, and by 2007 we''ll have been together for 8 years, so its getting to be that time

I might even stay with the lab I''m in now for grad school, in which case I might be getting my name on publications sooner than most.

We''re also looking to buy a house that spring and from what I''ve heard lenders are usually more responsive to married couples than people cohabiting. We would just get married now except we both want to have some sort of ceremony and we''re paying for it ourselves, so between saving money for a house and a wedding I think spring 2007 is the earliest we can swing it.


Part of me says do whatever you want and the rest of them can deal with it, but I know everyone would be so disappointed and I hate the idea of pissing off most of both of our families.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Here is my situation: My FI and I are different religions. Beyond that niether of us are religious (or as religious as our parents, though I think they are more into the traditions than actual religion). Here is how we are dealing with it. We are getting married outside (on a golf course which should please him). A family friend (a lawyer) is going to marry us. We will somehow write our ceremony (not the traditional version) G-d will be mentioned but not Jesus (my FI has just agreed to even having G-d mentioned and his mom was very upset about it). My parents only request is that FI breaks the glass which he does not want to do so we shall see how that turns out. Basically we want it to be about our love and union not about conventional religion. Luckily both sets of parents are pretty cool about it. Just talk to them. You might be over thinking matters. Good luck!

 

[larussel03]

Date: 1/10/2006 8:56:26 PM
Author: Rhapsody
I was talking to my PI in the lab I work for and she said that several of her friends who got married in the course of their PhD work had some issues. I would just rather avoid any possible problems, and by 2007 we''ll have been together for 8 years, so its getting to be that time

I might even stay with the lab I''m in now for grad school, in which case I might be getting my name on publications sooner than most.

We''re also looking to buy a house that spring and from what I''ve heard lenders are usually more responsive to married couples than people cohabiting. We would just get married now except we both want to have some sort of ceremony and we''re paying for it ourselves, so between saving money for a house and a wedding I think spring 2007 is the earliest we can swing it.


Part of me says do whatever you want and the rest of them can deal with it, but I know everyone would be so disappointed and I hate the idea of pissing off most of both of our families.

Ahhh, I see you''re going for a PhD in science, correct? I only went as far as my masters so I dont have any major publications out to worry about, but I see where you''re coming from. If I were you I''d publish under one name and one name only. Unfortunately that''s how you''ll be recognized in the scientific community, plus when people either google or pubmed you, it''s easier for them to see all your publications under one name. I''ve known women who didnt change their names for this reason. Can you publish under your maiden name and still change your name, or hypenate??? Hypenateing may be easier than changing your name completely