Confused

[waves044]

I''ve been lurking her for awhile, but I have never really posted anything.

First a little background, my boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of 2 yrs. I love him very much and lately, we have been discussing marriage. My question/problem is that most of the time, maybe 75% of the time, I am sure that he is the man for me and that our partnership can be successful. However the remainder of the time I question whether he is ''the one'' or not... Sometimes things that he does/doesn''t makes me think that he is not an ideal fit for me. For example, I always end up planning things when we go out, (for my b-day he says I should choose something to do...then for his birthday, he still wants me to choose something to do!) Also, sometimes we just get on each others nerves. I know that marriage isnt going to be all sunny and that at times we are going to drive each other nuts, but I guess my question for you girls is this normal for a couple who is on the path to marriage, or is it red flags that he isn''t the right guy for me?

Thanks for any insight you can give!

 

[bookworm21]

Hi Waves! Sounds like you''ve got a pretty normal relationship to me. The key to making a relationship work is compromise. So although he doesn''t plan anything and leaves it all up to you, does he do other stuff that you''d rather not do? That''s the way it works with most couples. With me and my bf, for example, I''m like you: I wind up planning everything from my own birthday party to our vacations. He takes care of the cars, brings home MOST of the bacon, and pretty much is good about fixing things around the house as soon as I ask him to.

Do I get annoyed with him? Yes, at least once a day. Do we get into arguments? Definitely. But one thing to learn early on is to never go to bed mad at each other. Also, pick your fights. The dumb ones aren''t worth it. If you know that he''ll never put the toilet seat down, then stop nagging him and let it go because it''s not that difficult to put it down yourself anyway.

In the end, the most important thing is that you love each other (cliche as hell, I know) and that BOTH of you are willing to do everything possible to make the relationship work.

Hope this helps.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/25/2006 12:27:18 AM
Author:waves044
I''ve been lurking her for awhile, but I have never really posted anything.

First a little background, my boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of 2 yrs. I love him very much and lately, we have been discussing marriage. My question/problem is that most of the time, maybe 75% of the time, I am sure that he is the man for me and that our partnership can be successful. However the remainder of the time I question whether he is ''the one'' or not... Sometimes things that he does/doesn''t makes me think that he is not an ideal fit for me. For example, I always end up planning things when we go out, (for my b-day he says I should choose something to do...then for his birthday, he still wants me to choose something to do!) Also, sometimes we just get on each others nerves. I know that marriage isnt going to be all sunny and that at times we are going to drive each other nuts, but I guess my question for you girls is this normal for a couple who is on the path to marriage, or is it red flags that he isn''t the right guy for me?

Thanks for any insight you can give!

Welcome waves044...

...

You have mentioned a little about the two of you but not your ages and what the two of you do...I am not trying to judge, just get a better feel for where your head is.

Its normal to go through the questioning phase during a healthy, thriving relationship. No relationship is solid and inpenetrable of this. I have been married for 25 years and as committed as i am to my husband and family, I get similar feelings, but its more of doubt in myself and in handling the different storms of marriage and family.

Personally, I do not believe in "the one." I feel that when we are at the place in our lives in search of being connected to another person, a select number of people could fill that need, but one or more fill it better than others. That is what leads us to wanting to be in a committed relationship which can lead to marriage.

As for red flags? Well...I think you maybe have red flags about you and your commitment to this relationship from what you have shared. How is your communication with each other? Start there. Not just in good times, but also in awkward touchy times its important to be able to communicate. Don''t force things, though. Take things slow and see what happens. Trust your gut and don''t read too much between the lines.

No one is "perfect" in every way and since the two of you have thrived for 2 years, that does say alot of good about you. See his positive attributes more so than his flaws...make a list of special things he does that make you smile. Start with that. The mistakes or edgy times are easier to list, but its the good stuff that has you thinking of making this arrangement more legally binding...right?

You sound very caring and loving and he is blessed to have someone like you. And remember, most guys want their lady to be happy so they let us plan more of the outings and special events because: 1) He wants you to be happy, and 2) Its true, he probably isn''t very good at it like alot of guys. I am not saying that''s ok.In fact, for the next special event--like V-Day--pick a time to talk to him about it saying something like that you know he of course has planned something, so you''ll try not to get it out of him(or something similar)--even though more than likely he hasn''t done anything for it yet. If he is like my guy, it will get him thinking he had better start planning. A plan B, and I know this is NOT what you want to hear, is to call and make arrangements at a special place for the two of you...JUST in case.

At least you can pat youself on the back that you are a gal who gets things done...Basically, you need to really decide if you want things to continue the way they have been or if you want change and how are you going to accomplish that.

Good Luck and remember, you have alot going for you!!!

 

[Kit]

My 2 cents: sounds pretty normal. Let me say that I get annoyed on a regular basis with my FI. And that is normal. I plan everything too. We get on each others nerves too. This is all "normal."

I think what you need to do is take it slowly, and remember that if you just don''t want to be in a relationship where, for example, you plan everything, then that is okay. Don''t feel pressured to just accept all his flaws and shortcomings because you want to make things work. On the other hand, can you live with planning everything? Maybe that''s not so bad when you think about it. Maybe you can tolerate that, because he always does all the [fill in the blank] and he is so great in other ways. It''s really all about balance.

IMO I don''t think 2 years is long enough to really know whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone. But that''s me, I am a methodical thinker and an analytical person so I needed time. I would say, just don''t rush yourself and try and be reflective about your relationship as a whole, how you both interact together.

And echoing what Deanne said, another key thing is communication. Be sure you''ve sat your SO down and said, "I really get upset sometimes because I feel as if I do all the planning for the social aspects of our relationship. It makes me feel like xxxxx. I would really like you to make an effort to do xxxxx." Typically if you approach your SO with this kind of request, and do it respectfully and without whining or pretense, they will be receptive because they don''t want you to be upset and so they will make the effort to accomodate you.