conservative work vs. flashy friends?

[onvacation]

Hi,
I''ve been going through the threads here for a while, and I can''t seem to find a thread with a suitable answer for my question. (If this is a repost, could I ask the mods to delete it?)

Question : If you work in a very conservative environment and have a larger stone, are you self-conscious about it? Not in the "I feel guilty because it''s so expensive and we have other practical needs" way, but the "people will judge me just by the size of the stone and think either my fiance is uber-rich and I don''t need perks/scholarships/etc. or I''m super tactless and materialistic" way. What do you do when you have a clash in your work circle and friends/family circle lifestyles?

Here are the details about my dilemma:

My BF, being the darling that he is, got me a 2.5ish OEC solitaire, which I absolutely adore. Of course, I love him unconditionally, and would happily marry him with a Cracker Jack ring or a Coke can pull top, cuz he''s seriously THE ONE for me!

(Sorry, but we''re in the process of getting it re-sized, so unfortunately I don''t have any pictures to post at the moment.) Anyways, he knows that I place a lot of sentimental value to gifts that he gives me, so he told me he wanted to get something I will be able to hang on to for the rest of my life. Like all fiances I''m sure, he wanted to give me the best he can afford without breaking the bank as we plan on being together for a very very long time

, and the circle of friends that I have back home and the future circle of people we will be hanging out with are/will be sensitive to size. While we like to enjoy life''s little perks as we go along, we''re both very practical, so it''s not like he''s one to throw out his life savings for this one ring, but I do know and appreciate the fact that he put a lot of thought and love into the ring purchase.

Here''s the problem. At 26, we''re still quite young, and I''m still in grad school, in a field where people are super duper conservative, or at least try really hard to appear so. For example, no one wears e-rings after they''re married. It''s all simple, plain gold bands. While I know that the professors have nicer cars at home, they all bring the beat-up "other" car to work. On some days, I feel like it''s a sin to wear nice clothes, cuz most everyone insists on bad/low-key fashion when in truth they have really nice homes. The worst part is, I get financial aid working as a TA, which is support that I really do need, (like $700 a month) and I don''t want them to think that it''s unnecessary to continue financial aid based on A RING that wasn''t something that I bought with my own money in the first place. I would never be able to afford my ring on my own right now!

My ring is being re-sized now, but I''ll want to wear it when I get it back. I''m so stressed out about how I should go about introducing the ring into my life, to the point where I am contemplating just getting another smaller ring for everyday life. It''s like I live by Midwest standards by day, and NY/LA standards by night! Should I really have two rings? It just feels deceptive and wrong to me to have two rings. If they are both presented to me, fine, I''ll accept them as my e-rings, but to purposefully get one for the school environment seems wasteful. I would be comfortable wearing my ring around, and have no qualms about it, but I''m worried that it could send the wrong message to the academic circle. I feel like if I don''t wear it to school, which is where I spend most of my time, it will be insulting to my fiance. Once I have my wedding band next summer, I could just wear that alone, but until then... argh. Could I hear from my sage fellow PSers how you would deal with a situation like this? I would especially like to hear from other students/workers, or professors/bosses who have been in similar situations. Please help!!!

(Whew. This post got a lot longer than I first expected it to, probably because I''m scared of being flamed! I tried to be as detailed as possible to avoid any miscommunication, but if anyone is offended by anything I said in spite of my best intentions, please know it wasn''t my intention to do so. I''m just seeking advice from you more knowledgeable and experienced people

I promise I''ll post pictures of the ring once I get it back!)

Thanks!

 

[sera]

I wouldn't have a problem getting a band to wear to work. And actually, I will need to but for different reasons (I do Sign Language Interpreting and in most professional interpreting situations, it is considered unprofessional to wear a blingy ring. So, I want a pink diamond band to wear in those situations- subtle sparkle). I have no problem with it for practical or social reasons.

If the people around you are saving the "good" cars, etc. at home, then they really couldn't say anything about you saving your "good" ring at home, IMHO. I don't think it's deceptive at all... we all make choices on what is appropriate in a given situation.

As for the financial aid... if you get an engagement ring from your FI, it's a gift from him. IMHO, that's completely different than as a couple you spent that money while taking financial aid. Though, it sounds like the ppl around you may have a 'tude about your ring regardless.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Hi! I haven''t been through this exactly, but I do have one idea: if you''re comfortable with it, say that it is an heirloom ring. Especially since it''s an OEC, you could just tell people that it was your FI''s grandmother''s or something. It''s a white lie, but it alleviates a lot of the judging, and you still get to wear your beautiful ring.

And PICTURES please!!

 

[musey]

I completely understand where you''re coming from. There are a lot of situations where I don''t feel comfortable wearing my engagement ring (for various reasons). I don''t think it''s deceptive.

There are a lot of people who save their honkers for only special occasions. This seems similar to me

Besides, it''s an excuse for more bling-age!

Just make sure, if you decide to get a more "modest" ring in addition, to show us what you pick!

 

[Haven]

I find that other people''s opinions rarely matter if I''m comfortable in my own skin and with my own decisions, SO, if you are comfortable with this ring (which sounds gorgeous and I expect a full-out photo session when you get it back, missy!) then wear it with pride.

The minute you let other people''s expectations and opinions matter more than your own is the minute you stop living your own life.

For what it''s worth, I''m a teacher in a middle class suburb of Chicago. My 2 ct cushion solitaire e-ring is much larger than any of my colleagues'' rings, yet it fits right in with all my friends'' rings. I''ve gotten a few bizarre comments about my ring from coworkers, but they don''t bother me one bit. I love my fiance, I love my ring, and I wouldn''t hide either away from the world for anybody. I also think that anyone who passes judgment based on the size of your e-ring isn''t worth your worry, anyway.

Wear that ring with pride, and then come back here and show that baby off!

 

[Rhea]

I don''t have a large ring by PS standards, but I work for a homelessness charity trying to get people off the streets and into housing and I live in the UK where rings are smaller in general. Now, mine is no 2 carat stone but these two things mean that I do get comments and looks. And my friends make easily three times what I do and wear around 1.5 carat rings. Work thinks it''s big, social life thinks it''s small. I don''t mind either way and just laugh off comments both ways. After 3 years of having the ring, I''m used to be told I''m some rich kid who can''t understand by clients at work (my stone is really really really small, less than 1/2 carat) and "cute" by friends. You just get used to it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I understand from the standpoint I am a little uncomfortable with the size of my own upgrade ring sometimes! But I do wear it daily. Otherwise, what is the point of even having it? Truthfully, be who you are. If you are uncomfortable wearing the ring, I''d return it. But if you love it, do not let what others think keep you from wearing it. The only circumstances that I would not wear my rings would be if it was a safety issue (ex: manufacturing environments often do not allow them), or risk to the ring (ex: working as a brick layer or something that might damage the ring), or a hospital setting where gloves are taken on and off a lot, or if I worked in an agency with the very poor and did not want to look too ostentatious. Otherwise I would wear it proudly, and if you feel you need to explain the size, you can always say it is an antique and much less expensive than a similar new stone. I''d have to say that I think professors who leave the good car at home and drive an old one to campus are a little hypocritical!

 

[DiamanteBlu]

The only thing that matters is what you think.

I think [for what it''s worth

] is that it is your ring and you should wear it proudly. What anybody else thinks is irrelevant.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Is your aid government based or private institution based? If its government based they of course cannot deny it for your stone. And if it is private based, do you not have some sort of a contract with them, in writing, stating the terms of your contract and the way they compute your scholarship? (i.e. they take your assets and need into account?)


I would think that denying you aid based on your jewelry might edge on illegal, NOT TO MENTION unethical. As a graduate student I would spit fire at anyone who *suggested* that I didn''t need my aid package because FI bought me a nice ring.


Can you hint at what field you are in, I am terribly curious.

 

[Lynn B]

Just my humble opinion, but I say wear your beautiful ring.

My field is social work in a small, rural community hospital. I wear my diamond every day (a 2.36 RB); it never even crosses my mind NOT to wear my ring. I love and enjoy it, and we worked hard for it.

 

[mrssalvo]

hmmm, that''s a tough one. I can totally see the side of this is a gift from your FI and you should wear it proudly, but I do understand if wearing it in the environment you work in might cause some unwanted attention. There was another member who has a beautiful 2+ carat ring and is a lawyer. i''m pretty sure she opts not to wear it while in court b/c of the distraction it can cause. What do you feel comfortable doing? For me, I would probably opt to be low key and just get a plain band or small promise ring to wear to school/work. after your married you can swap it out with whatever wedding band you choose and then once you have graduated or are working there full time wear the whole wedding set. I think your fI is so thoughtful to by you such and amazing ring (please do come back with pics) but I bet he would understand just for the time being while you are still in school if you opt not to wear it. But, if you really do want to wear it and can feel comfortable and confident wearing it, then go for it!! people are going to think whatever they want anyway, do what makes you happy!!!

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/15/2007 7:01:25 PM
Author: DiamanteBlu
The only thing that matters is what you think.


I think [for what it''s worth

] is that it is your ring and you should wear it proudly. What anybody else thinks is irrelevant.

I think the same. My ring isn''t as big as yours but it''s still over half a carat bigger than anyone else that I''ve known and I have gotten lots of comments about it''s size and how much D earns etc. I choose to ignore them-I adore my ring and I wear it with pride.

 

[Quash]

Part of me says, wear it if you want. But, the other side of me says that you not only work in a conservative culture but that it''s a very strong culture. If people don''t wear their e-rings to work, drive their beaters to work and leave the nice cars at home and where shabby clothes while having very nice homes, the collective identity has subscribed to a strong set of implicit rules. you can''t ignore it. Actually, you can, but you''ll have to be strong enough to withstand being noticed as someone who doesn''t buy in to that culture. Rings aside, that has consequences.

Not an easy choice, but work cultures can be very defined and your success within them is often determined by how you adapt or don''t adapt to the culture, your work ethic and productivity aside.

Interestingly, if you left the ring at home (like others do, as well as their cars, etc.) and people saw the ring outside of the workplace but noted you never wore it in the workplace, you''d actually reinforce your place in the community, as they would see you making the exact same choice they do.

Interesting dilemma without an easy solution. But, whatever you do, just be comfortable with your choice.

Quash