Convoluted situation, your thoughts?

[misskitty]

Okay, so. B and I are moving out of state (and into a place together) in just under a month. Neither of us have ever lived with a SO before, but we''re both excited.

We''ve also discussed an engagement timeline, and he said "sometime in 2009," which probably means fall/winter.

The curveball: the move is largely based on his job, and he''ll be in our new city for at least 2-3 years before he has a chat with his boss about promotions and possibly relocating again. I''m currently looking at applying to grad programs, but the closest schools are a minimum of 8 hours from our new city, and I''d really like to go sooner rather than later. We just signed a year lease, so the earliest I could enroll would be a Winter 2010 start. Which would put me in the situation of moving 8+ hours away, for 2 years, just after we got engaged. Plus, it would switch us from living together to having a long-distance relationship.
He''s very happy with his current company and the track he''s on, and I''m so proud of him, so I wouldn''t ask him to quit and move. And...now I''m torn about whether to apply at all.

Thoughts? Advice? Am I being totally irrational by worrying about this?

 

[Still_Waiting]

I''m sorry! Sounds like a no-win situation. Did you know how far away school was before you agreed to move and signed your lease? Is going to school a new idea? Have you two talked together about all of this?

Well, I''m not sure what type of grad program you''re looking into, but these days lots of programs have online options. Maybe you could take half your classes online (or more, if you''re lucky) and drive for the rest of them...Maybe even be so lucky as to schedule them all for just one or two days per week? Eight hours is A LOT to drive, but if it''s important enough to you, you can do what you have to.

The best advice I can offer is to talk it all out with your SO. He may have very strong feelings about it one way or the other. Perhaps that will help you figure things out.

Sorry I can''t offer any better advice! I do wish you luck figuring it all out though!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I would also look into hybrid courses. You can go once a month and do a class and possibly everything else is online. Either that or are you ok with postponing your grad school? How about a local university that has some similar courses that you could possibly test out of for grad school?

 

[misskitty]

Thanks for the replies, ladies!

My initial idea, pre-move, was to stick around in our new city for the length of B''s stay. After that, we planned on asking for a relocation to a city where my career would have better options; in 2-3 years, he will have been with his company long enough that he''ll have that kind of pull (also, there are offices in most major cities), and if a transfer wasn''t possible, he''d still be in a great position to look for a job with another company. I guess the problem right now is that I''m feeling a little bit antsy, and wondering why not start that degree ASAP?

Unfortunately, there is no online option because it''s very much a hands-on field, and there''s a lot of team-oriented coursework. I know this going in, and this is part of what''s making me wonder if it''s better to just hold off and wait.

Also, B''s take: he wants me to be happy in my career, and while he wants us to be together, he said that if it''s important to me to move away to do that, we''ll try to make things work. I''m so lucky that he''s so supportive of me, but neither of us really like the idea of being apart. It''s weird, because I almost think it would be easier to think this through if he didn''t like the idea of me going back for more school.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Never give up your education for a man...even the best laid plans sometimes go crazy, and your education is something that no one can ever take away! So, until you''re offically married I wouldn''t suggest even considering giving up your dreams to follow his....

Prehaps you could take online classes?

 

[fieryred33143]

*Never mind I just saw there's no online option.

If I were you, and this is just my opinion, I would start the classes now and deal with the LDR before the engagement.

 

[swingirl]

My advice would be to apply to the best program at the best school for you and not to take your SO''s job location into consideration. These days it''s impossible to say that in 2-3 years anyone will be working for the same company.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/17/2008 3:14:45 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Never give up your education for a man...even the best laid plans sometimes go crazy, and your education is something that no one can ever take away!

I completely agree with this. I almost gave up my #1 graduate school to go to a fairly crappy program (basically to stay where I got my undergrad degree which did not have a great grad program in my area) for a guy whom I thought was the one. I am so glad that I didn't because a number of months later I realized he really wasn't the one for me, and I would have been miserable staying where I was for graduate school (we are talking the difference between a top 3 program and a program that often doesn't even hit the top 50). I moved, and met my now husband within 2 months of moving here! (Of course not trying to say that you guys aren't right for each other, just that I would have really regretted staying put for a guy who wasn't my husband or at least my fiance).

Honestly, if it's meant to work out you guys will make it work.

 

[CNOS128]

I agree - go to the best program you get into that you would ordinarily go to if your boyfriend weren''t a factor.
I know someone who passed up a full scholarship at a top 10 ranked law school to go to another (great) school to be with a boyfriend, but finished over $100,000 in debt (and single). Worked out ok in the end, but she''s got regrets!

 

[mayachel]

Oh goodness, I don''t envy your position. On the one hand, I think you should examine where the relationship is, and together discuss how serious the two of you are. Are you ready for an engagement now and just waiting on him? Is he not ready at all and hoping he will be in another year?

You have to do what''s best for you first and foremost, and a lot of the time that is about education, but sometimes it''s also about nurturing a relationship.

You just want to be clear what all of your options and plans are, and how sure are you of the program you are looking to enter. Is it a change of career, start of a career...will you be happy doing something else (maybe gathering experience in the field) if you waited?

Sometimes I think our aim to give proper due respect to independence can be at the cost of healthy interdependence.

Know what you are willing to settle for, and what you aren''t.

In my situation, at the very start of my relationship I was on my way from NY to CA to start a grad program I had already been accepted to. However, I was 24 and still searching some, and while I believe I would have been very happy in the program, I knew other things would potentially make me happy too. I also knew, that I really wanted a healthy, happy partnership and that while I''d likely find one elsewhere in my life, right at that moment I had the potential to find one with the guy i''m going to marry.

Short version, I decided to move closer to him (where he works and I have friends). A year into our relationship, he had the option of taking a transfer to London. As much I would have liked to go, I didn''t want to uproot my life without a confirmation of an engagement, (that''s where I drew my line). He in turn, decided he wasn''t ready for an engagement, but he didn''t want to leave me either and didn''t take the transfer. Now, we have four years together, a home, and an engagement. I''m in grad school, in a great program, not feeling at all like I wasted the time in between.

I also know, that when we talked about him taking a job in DC, I couldn''t leave my school program, but feel more confident that we could handle a temporary LDR...

The point of my novel, both of our needs have been heard and met in different ways. This way I have always had some sense of security that, I''m not just following his dreams, but both of ours. Good luck!

 

[laughwithme]

I am sorry that you''re finding yourself in this position. I am a huge advocate of doing what''s right for you, including anything to support your education or career or professional development. I will of course agree with the other posters who said to talk to your SO, but I''m sure you''re looking for more concrete advice so... the only real thing I can provide is that, in the workforce, things change on a dime. I began my job in finance in May... I had plans to work in Germany for a bit that were scratched the week before I bought the plane tickets. My boss was promoted to another part of the company two months after I started. I am now moving to another part of the company, six months after I started. Any and all of these could have resulted in physical moves (i.e. a different state) as well. I think you really just need to play it by ear right now - I know your SO expects to not discuss moves for 2-3 years but really, it could happen much quicker than he expects. There isn''t much need to stress *right now*, so I would wait until he gets started in this new position, you settle into your new place, and you''re thinking about going forward. Maybe things will shift a bit and you''ll decide you want to push the graduate degree back? Or maybe you find a good job without needing the grad degree? There are so many options and alternatives that may arise, unexpectedly, before Winter 2010. That''s the fun (though scary) thing about life - we do all this planning, and sometimes, it just makes its own plans! Hang in there, try to ride it out, and good luck!

 

[musey]

Date: 12/17/2008 3:14:45 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Never give up your education for a man...even the best laid plans sometimes go crazy, and your education is something that no one can ever take away! So, until you''re offically married I wouldn''t suggest even considering giving up your dreams to follow his....

Prehaps you could take online classes?

That was my immediate thought, as well

it''s a tough situation. You should have two serious talks, one with yourself to figure out YOUR goals and how he can fit into them, and then one with him on how you can work out his plans with your plans.

Don''t postpone school. Don''t. If you do, you''ll never go. Sure, there are exceptions, but the vast majority of especially women who delay school for marriage and/or family simply never go. Your life will only get MORE complicated and confining (for lack of a better word) after the engagement, not less. Go while you can.