could really use some advice here...

[Miscka]

OK so let me preface this (long) post with two facts. 1. I just had my wisdom teeth out, so I am a little out of it and tired of feeling crappy. 2. My LIWitis has been remarkably tame lately. I have focused on other things and been at peace with just waiting. Until last night.

My BF and I were watching TV and it seemed like everything we watched had to do with marriage and proposals. So I asked him if he saw a future with me. He said yes, but he can''t "guarantee" anything. He said he just isn''t "100% sure". He doesnt believe that when you know you know, he said he feels like we havent known each other long enough to know. We have known each other for 2 years. I know that isnt forever by any means, but I have known I want to marry him for months now. I am so heartbroken. I thought that the reason we were waiting was other life issues, grad school, money, etc. He has said things before that led me to believe he saw a life with me. I want to be with someone who is passionate about it, who really wants to make it happen. Why is it that some guys are ready after 6 months, and others take so long? Am I really just not the right one for him, because if I were he would know? That is how I feel this morning, like I have been pouring my heart into this for nothing. I am who I am, and I am not sure what he is waiting for that will make him more "sure". We have been through a LOT together. I am not saying that I want to be engaged RIGHT NOW or anything, but I just had no idea he felt like this. I am crushed and tired and grumpy. Stupid boys and stupid teeth.

So I think I would like to be removed from the list, I guess I don''t belong there anymore. I really enjoy being here, and I have learned a lot from you ladies. I would love some advice. I know there has been some debate around here over "advice", I can take some heat but I am feeling a little like a beaten dog at the minute, so tread softly if the advice is harsh. I do value the diversity here though!

 

[KimberlyH]

First, I''m so sorry you are feeling so sad. Totally understandable. My only advice would be that you need to figure out what you want and need from him and how long you''re willing to wait for him to be on the same page, without becoming bitter (this is key in my mind, biterness poisons good relationships). Then tell him, in a non-threatening way, so there are no suprises and if that time comes you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to make the relationship work. And if you don''t know how long you can wait, tell him that too. Again, non-threatening "I love you and know I want to be with you forever, but there will come a time when I can''t be in this relationship anymore because you don''t want the same things as me. I don''t know when that time may come, but so there are no suprises I want you to know how I''m feeling: sad, lonely, angry, vunerable, whatever...."

Good luck to you, Miscka.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ditto what Kim said! It sounds like you''re feeling pretty low. Are you able to take some time to pamper yourself this week? Maybe a chick flick? Or a mani-pedi?

 

[janinegirly]

hi miska,

well i think when people give "harsh" advice, it''s usually b/c someone is being silly or acting out. In your case, I don''t see that at all! I can totally understand what you''re saying. 2 years isn''t forever, but geesh, he should know if he sees himself marrying you or not at this point. Or at least if you guys are heading that direction. It''s hurtful of him to hedge his bets and say he can''t guarantee anything, not 100%, etc--life and love is not a scientific equation!

but deep breaths..many guys go through this phase too. my fi (husband in 5 days..eeek!!) also said some pretty stupid, hurtful things in my LIW phase that I took literally and was ready to head out the door. But now i realize he said some stuff b/c he was scared and just trying to deflect pressure by lashing out too.

So in short 1) you have every right to feel bummed and disappointed that he said those things because IF they are true, you 2 are on different pages.

BUT

2) have another serious talk with him to find out what he meant by what he said. Find a time to talk when he won''t feel on the defense (it''s not easy, i know!). Tell him if you take what he said literallly, then you guys are on different pages and this is a problem. It''s not that you want/need to married NOW or even by "x" date, but you do need to KNOW that you are on that path. After 2 years, he should at least know that much.
Then I would add that some of what he said was hurtful (tell him you''re not accusing him of anything, just want him to see your side) since you don''t want to think someone you love doesn''t feel 100%. That''s just not reassuring at all, and girls need reassurance to feel safe. (btw this is a major cause of guy vs. girl miscommunication, she wants security, he doesn''t want to say anything he can''t deliver for SURE--ie committment...the dreaded "c" word!).

Anyway, sorry if this is scattered..hopefully made some sense. Keep us posted!

 

[sleeping beauty]

Hey Miscka sorry about what you are going through (big hugs). I agree with all the lovely ladies. sit down with yourself and analyze the situation. how long you will be willing to wait until you both are on the same page and take things from there. Some of us just know and well some just not as fast. In my case it was totally different. My b/f was ready to marry me a month into our relationship. he said he just new. well i wasnt on that page as a the moment i thought of him as my rebound guy and was just having a fling. well it took me almost 3 years to realize he was the one, and all that time he waited till i was in the same page. (NOW that i think about it he might be getting back at me and thats why hes holding out on giving me the ring.. GRR bastard)

sorry my mind drifted.

Anyways just because you dont consider yourself a LIW anymore doesnt mean you cant stay here a chat with us. we love your company so keep in touch.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Kimberley. Have a think yourself and how long are you happy to wait for him to decide if you''re the one or not. There is nothing wrong with staying in this relationship at all provided you''re happy to see where it will take you. I can understand why you''re so upset. It must hurt that he''s not 100% sure. Hope that you two can have another chat and that things will improve.

 

[Sabrina_Fair]

Hi Miscka,

I''m sorry to hear you''re going through a rough time lately. I''d wait until you''re feeling better before taking this up with your BF though. I know the aftermath of having your wisdom teeth out.

If he said things that made you believe that he wanted a future with you, then he must have thought about it. Before he said what he did, how were you guys doing in relating to each other? How much do you trust him? Completely? With your money, in emergencies, family matters? How much does he trust you? How well do the two of you communicate? Do both of you rationally get your ideas across during an argument (or shortly afterwards) so it doesn''t drag on unnecessarily? Do you guys fight fairly?

Was there an event that triggered these feelings in him? There are definitely things that you need to discuss with him, one of them being what these feelings of uncertainty are based on. Many people get nervous about the idea of marriage so it may be a mood that will pass. If it''s more serious, you may want to look into a marriage course where people talk about finances, children, etc. It may help him feel more prepared.

Good luck with everything and I hope you have a speedy recovery. Please hang in there and I hope everything will work out for you. Until then, here''s a *hug* from me to you.

 

[Mara]

sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth, mine were so painful and took forever to heal, i was totally grumpy...mostly because all i could eat were soft foods!! hehee.

i don't think it's unusual for one partner to be 'more ready' than the other when it comes to marriage and a future together. however, how long are you willing to wait for him to maybe become ready? that is a really important thing to figure out and you should do it now, when i do think you are probably thinking more clearly, because to me you are thinking realistically right now by questioning this. it's easy to fall into 'oh things are going so great now' and not want to address a potential big issue, so i think by looking more into this and figuring out what you want...and what you are willing to accept vs not, is a great first step to take.

there are really only two ways this can go. the first is that he eventually becomes ready...whether it's by you talking to him about what you want and what you are willing to accept or settle for or not or whatever...or on his own timeline if that works for you..and you eventually get married. the second is that he never becomes ready or never decides you are the one OR decides you aren't the one...and it doesn't work out for you in the end.

you should consider both scenarios definitely. in the first the timeline is the thing that would make or break it. what if he takes another 2-3 years to decide? are you going to want to stick around for that? when you are ready now, it could be a really long wait for you, and it's hard to be patient.

my main thing is that when guys are telling you this stuff about not being sure or not guaranteeing anything, they really do mean it. so you should LISTEN to what he is saying. it's a red flag for me that this guy is saying he isn't quite sure yet AND it's been 2 years. when we were dating i told Greg that i wanted to know what he thought about us after 2 years and he said 'shouldn't we just be having fun now and enjoying each other?'. i said 'it's been 2 years and we know enough about each other to know if we see a future with each other. i know this already, you need to figure it out. here's what i consider an appropriate timeline, do you agree?'. he agreed it was a reasonable timeline (sorry but you don't need 4 years together to KNOW) and we set off from there. me really having the talk with him and being reasonable about it and practical i think struck a positive chord with him. it was't about 'oh my god, why don't you know, don't you love me' but rather okay i can understand maybe you haven't put a ton of thought into this, you are a guy...so let's lay out some things we both feel comfortable with and go from there. i also frankly told him...if you cannot seriously tell me within our timeline (it was 6 months) that you can see a future with me and you do want to marry me...then i will walk. and sure it would have been hard but i would have made myself do it. i value myself too highly to stick around hoping the man i love ends up seeing eye to eye with me.

i think he was surprised that i said i would walk but he knew i meant it mostly because he and i both had other relationships before where we felt unsure and in the end it was because we knew that person was not the one for us. but we both stayed like 3 years with those other people (he stayed 4 i think). and in the end we were like well we REALLY knew inside all along but we didn't want to know. and i didn't want either of us to waste any more time with the wrong individual for the other...having stayed in relationships previously where we did that. so when i told him i KNEW i could see myself with him and was ready to move fwd, he knew i was serious. and it made him go 'okay let me think about this too'.

so really when your man says i'm not sure, i don't know etc...after 2 years..it makes me go ...ummm watch out!!! because maybe he really DOES know and it could be he does know he does not want to end up with you but is having too good of a time with you and does not want to address the future. he just might not be ready to consider that. he might not have his 'cab light' on ala sex in the city. you might be getting him ready for the next girl when his light pops on.

or scenario 1 might happen...but you have to be willing to lay your ground rules and be like dude 2 years is enough to know, so what do you feel comfortable with timeline wise to be able to think about it and tell me? and maybe he doesn't like that idea! maybe he doesn't want a timeline. that to me would be another indicator that he's just not serious enough about this right now to think about marriage. i know that you said you didn't expect to get married or engaged anytime soon but you should at least know you two are on the same page IF that eventual marriage to this man is important to you.

anyway i'm rambling now and it's because i have had like 4 interruptions while typing this so i can't remember what i wrote previously, argh!!! but you get the jist. 2 scenarios. 1 is what you want and 1 isn't. you have to figure out what you want. your appropriate acceptable timeline. his acceptable timeline. do the two mesh? if not, can you walk? are you willing to wait?

good luck!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I have to agree with Mara here.

Miscka, I went back and read a couple of your posts. It seems like back in April you two were on the same page. You had talked about marriage, in fact, you even mentioned a story where he asked if he dropped to one knee and asked you, what you would say. You said, “I stammered. Not good LIW form if you ask me, he probably thinks I am freaked out and don’t want it which is not true.” Later in your posts, you mention you found out he was saving, but not for a ring. It seems like as the months went on, instead of getting closer to an engagement you grew further and further from it.

Do you know what happened between April and September to make him seem to change course so quickly? Has anything major happened between the two of you that could have an impact on your relationship so much that he’s admitting he isn’t sure?

While it isn’t completely unusual for a man to jump from hot to cold when talking about marriage, I think there is a big problem when he’s telling you directly that he can not guarantee anything because he isn’t completely sure of you. I agree with the other ladies that you need to sit down and talk to him. I certainly think you need to figure out where you stand with each other in your relationship now. Forget about engagement; you need to find out why this man isn’t 100% sure of you after spending two years of his life building this relationship with you when a few months ago he seemed more into the idea of marriage with you.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. Give yourself a few days to calm down before you talk with him if you can. Please be sure to pop back by and let us know how your chat goes…perhaps you can be re-added as a LIW, only this time with a good idea of a timeline.

 

[Miscka]

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to my post. I feel better just getting it out, ya know?
We are supposed to go out and talk about it tonight (his idea, not mine) so I will let you ladies know how it goes. I talked to him a little more, and just want to add a few things that may help clarify.

I feel like I am comfortable setting a timeline internally, a "bail out" date so to speak. It is something that I have to give some serious thought to, what I really want and need and expect.

When we talked today, he seemed to feel like I took it too seriously. He says he DOES see these things, but that he wants to spend more time with me and get to know each other more. I told him that my grandparents have been married 50+ heppy years, and are still learning and enjoying each other. I mean, I dont think you have to know EVERYTHING about someone first. I still think he feels I am pushing for an egagement, I just want to know thats where we are going, and that we have similar ideas of when.

My BF is a very slow, and logical person. He wants to go back to school to be an MD. This is where a lot of this comes from, I think. Keepingthefaith, this is what has changed since April. It took him years to decide this is what he wants, and now his application is basically waitlisted, and he is nervous and upset. He feels unsure about himself, his ability to provide or contribute, etc. I think this is hard on his pride. It has been a huge deal in his life, and I have been supportive and only want what makes him happy. Janinegirly I laughed out loud when you said that about life and love not being a scientific equation, that is exactly what I thought when he said it! But that shows our personalities well, I am emotional and a tad intense, he is methodical and thinks things through.

Anyway, I am trying to cheer up a bit, just one of those moods I guess. I hope that we work this out, because I care about him more than I ever thought I could care about someone. He took care of my grumpy self all weekend after my wisdom teeth removal, lots of trips to Wendys to get Frosties!! I will keep you posted. Thanks again, and any other advice is welcome!

ETA: Janine, 5 days! Wow!! How exciting!! Good luck with everything!