Curious about something...

[cRaSh]

I know this is on a case by case basis, and there are no "right anwers". I''m just curious how long were you and your bf together before talking engagement & marriage?
I''m trying to get a feel for what is average.

I''m in the process of a divorce, a marriage that was a mess from proposal on. Nothing was done properly in that relationship, so I''m trying to avoid future mistakes. I''m really not sure what is "normal". But I want to prepare myself, and kind of know what to expect.

Thanks in advance.

 

[allycat0303]

cRaSh,

We were together for 5 years. However, we started dating when I was 15.. so all thoughts/conversations about marriage would have been a little premature

I think this varies a lot with age and situation. For my now anyways (I''m 26) if I started dating, I would broach the subject after 2 years if he hadn''t talked about it yet. I think it''s a good time to know if you are wasting your time or not. Well probably not much help from me in terms of your question

 

[RoseAngel04]

Very good question....

My FF and I are the type of people who don''t just "date to date." Of course at the begining of a relationship you are learning about the person and find out how compatible you are together as a couple. After that stage is finished we both mentally said, ok this is someone who I "could" marry. Of course we didn''t discuss it right away. I would say after a year to two we began casually mentioning engagement/marriage. Nothing too serious. Then once it was two years we knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with one another. Since 2 1/2 - present we have seriously discussed marriage and know that it''s in our near future.

Sunday will be our 4 year Anniversary!!

I''m so excited!!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Paul and I have never been tye types to "date just to date," either. VERY early on, Paul made a comment that I was the kind of woman he could see himself happy and content with, forever. It wasn''t scary, it was comforting, because I was feeling the same way.

We met in March 05, started dating in April, then he made it "official" *I love that even at 28 years old, he felt he needed to officially ask me to "be his girl"* in June. Things progressed quickly, and out of blue one day, as we were driving around, he pointed out a house with a beautiful porch and a young family outside, playing together. He said, "Look; that''ll be us some day. Do you want a porch? I just love porches." That was in October, and I thought the most precious thing about it was that the idea of the porch was the thing he questioned me about, not that we''d be a family together some day.

So, long story short, I guess we were only dating about 4-6 months before the idea of marriage came up, and once he said that, we began talking seriously and in depth about the possibilities of such. Again, we both went into the relationship seeking to find out if we were marriage bound, as that was what we ultimately wanted from a relationship.

 

[aquarius_ser]

I''ve never been one to jump into things quickly so it sounds odd when I say it but it was about 4-5 months. We dated for a 1 year long distance and then he moved 2 states over to live with me.

In the pasty, I dated someone for 7 years and never talked about marriage! I guess when you find the right one, you know.

 

[laine]

We talked about marriage pretty early on, after a few months, and I told him he couldn''t ask me to marry him until we''d been dating for at least a year. Our discussions early on were pretty casual, and got more serious after maybe 8 or 9 months. Its been a year and a half now, and though there is no ring on my finger, marriage is pretty much taken as a given.

 

[galeteia]

We joked about marriage the very first day we talked, because it was unthinkable to imagine we''d actually end up together. I am not the marrying kind. We haven''t been together for that long (less than a year), but we''re having to forge ahead with a paperwork marriage so we can see one another. We just see it as a step along an inevitable road. We were certain fairly quickly, so I''m definitely in the ''when you know, you know'' camp.

 

[ljmorgan]

That is a fun question. While it''s hard to define normal, someone did post on article on here a while back, which gave different relationship lengths before marriage, and the success rate of those marriages. I think the length of time before marriage with the highest success rate was "1-2" years. The lowest was less than 1 year, and the second lowest success rate was "3+ years." Obviously that does NOT mean if you don''t fall into the 1-2 years being together before marriage, that you''re marriage won''t succeed, it''s just statistics. With under 1 year relationships you have more people that might have rushed too soon, people dating longer than 3 years might have one partner with commitment problems, etc.

I remember that after my fiance and I had been dating for 10 months, by May 2005 we were in the jewelry stores looking at engagement rings. I remember it being so much fun, being absolutely giddy and so excited about it. We had only lightly discussed marriage before that. I think we talked about it a few times during the year after that... then February of 2006 we talked about marriage much more seriously, our life plans, etc. This March he bought the diamond, had the setting made, and proposed in April. All together we were together for 1 year and 9 months before being engaged. We''re getting married this coming January, and we''ll have been together for 2 and a half years. Our timeline was completely comfortable for me -- there was no "woah we''re rushing" or "geez will we ever get married" moments for me.

I think relationships are such a personal thing that it''s hard to give an ideal timeline. I think you just need enough time to REALLY get to know someone, and I think that takes longer than a lot of people think. I''ve known some people that seemed ready to marry in just a few months and they were completely responsible and I thought that they were making the right decision. It''s just hard to tell. But I wish you luck in the future

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Every relationship is different, indeed. Had I met Paul three or four years ago, I doubt we would have been ready for marriage as quickly as we are now, older and more stable financially and more sure of who we are, what we want, and what we''re capable of offering in a relationship. I also think that had we met earlier in life, while it would have been more of a struggle *particularly for me,* we would have made it to marriage, but it would have been a longer, more tangled road toward a life spent together, forever.

Some people *know* right away, but life makes the journey longer than expected. Some people aren''t sure, but with time it becomes apparent and comfortable. Different for everyone.

 

[jesterjigger]

FI and I had been dating 14 months the first time it came up. Then at around the 17 month mark it came up more seriously, we looked at rings a couple of times, and the ring was purchased a week before the 18 month mark and he proposed a couple of weeks after the 18 month mark. Of course, we had also been good friends for a year before we started dating (secretly liking the other person but not knowing the feeling was mutual). I think it helps a lot that we had both been fairly independent through college (going out of state and doing ROTC throughout) and then moved straight from college to NJ because we were in the Air Force. We started dating after he''d been on his own out of college for almost two years and I''d been out for almost one and a half.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I don''t really remember how soon it was that we talked marriage, but I think it was pretty soon. Or at least we talked about all the deal breakers, etc. We ended up getting engaged after 10.5 months, and married a little more than a year after that. I don''t think you have to wait too terribly long before you start talking about the really important things, at least in my opinion.

 

[ephemery1]

Age we met: 23 (me) and 25 (him)
Began talking about marriage: about 6 months
Began ring-shopping: 3 years
Engaged: 3.5 years
Married: next May, so we''ll have been together almost 4.5 years!

 

[robbie3982]

I knew even before we started dating (about a month after meeting him) that my ff could be the one and some of our mutual friends have been saying from the beginning that we'd get married, so we've been talking about it from the beginning. It wasn't serious talk at first, however. That didn't come for a few months. We seem to do everything a bit fast though (none of it feels fast to us

). Ff told me that he loved me after we'd been dating for about 4 days, and after 11 months I quit my job and moved in with him in another state. We picked out the ring a few weeks ago (a bit before our one year anniversary) and now I'm just waiting for him to enact his plan

.

ETA: We were 22 when we met.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/10/2006 7:05:08 PM
Author: aquarius_ser
I've never been one to jump into things quickly so it sounds odd when I say it but it was about 4-5 months. We dated for a 1 year long distance and then he moved 2 states over to live with me.

In the pasty, I dated someone for 7 years and never talked about marriage! I guess when you find the right one, you know.

Amen! Aquarius is right - when you know, you know.

I, too, am SO not one to jump into things quickly. Heck, it takes me months to carefully consider the pros and cons when I'm deciding on selecting something as mundane as an iron, for goodness's sake!

I had known my now-husband only in the most cursory, "passing in the halls" way for a year or so; we work at the same company on different floors. Hadn't done more than polite "elevator chat" with him during that point.

Company had a pool (billiards) event in March. We spoke there, and began playing pool together once a week in March. Friendship turned into something more on July 12. We began discussing marriage/living together within 3 weeks. Moved in together in November, engaged the following November. Married the day before our 2-year mark together.

Of course, we met later....I was 37, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with the clarity and sureness that it was right so soon. After that many spins around the block, you KNOW the right pick when you see it.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I also think this case by case basis had some age dependence. My FF and I are highschool sweethearts, dated a long 4 months before making it "official" when he asked me to be his gf.

Makes me smile just thinking about him asking! Anyways....since we were younger, marriage wasn''t a serious thought that entered our minds. Both of us didn''t imagine that we would find our future wife/husband while so young, and still in HS, but we were lucky enough that we did.

So, we became "serious" and started really knowing we would get married once we were out of HS and in our first years of college.

 

[firebirdgold]

We''ve never had really in depth conversations about getting married. We''ve pretty much always assumed we would and have delicately been sounding each other out on the topics of children, careers, priorities, and other things like that.

The first time marriage came up was within the first couple of months. It was in relation to our views on living together before being married. We both agreed that wanting to live together as a ''trial run'' before getting engaged meant you have some doubts and that you should never get married if you''re not 100% sure. Then we just looked at each other and smiled.

It was about 9 months after our first date that neither of us could hold back what we had been wanting to say for so long. Both of us dreamed and yearned for the day when we could call the other person my husband/wife. He started saving for the ring then and asked me on my birthday in july. We''ll have been together for 2 years in just a few days. And we''ll be married 2 yrs, 7 months after we first laid eyes on each other.

Oh, and since age does matter: I''m now 34 and he''s now 29.

OTOH my sister 38 (for another month) married her new husband 53(?) just 9 months after they met.

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Hmm, good question. I don''t know when marriage was first brought up in our relationship. Because it matters, I am less than 48 hours away from being 24 and my bf is now 25. We met when I was barely 18 and started dating 6 months later. Well, whenever the talk started, it was approached as " if I ever get married" or "if we ever get married" it was never "when we get married" and still isn''t to this day. We did however officially start looking at rings when he asked me to go ring shopping last November. That was a little over 4 1/2 years of dating. We are now approaching 5 1/2 years.

It''s so different for everyone, I think it would be hard to find an average. I''ve had friends my age, even younger get engaged after only dating a year and then getting married a month later. It''s a very personal thing to each individual couple.

 

[cRaSh]

Thanks Guys for all the responses and stories! I LOVE it!!

Here''s my story.. I''ll try to give the cliff notes version:

What TERRIFIES me is that with my first husband I THOUGHT I knew he was the one. It was a rocky relationship from day one. There were aspects of the relationship that were terrible the entire time we were together. Looking back, I''m really not sure why I thought we should be married. I think it had to do with the relationship before that being MUCH worse. We knew each other a few months, we went out a couple times, I ended up moving in after only a couple dates. 4 months we started looking at rings. In 6 months we were engaged, then a year later married. We were married for almost three years before I gave up on things, and here I am in the process of a divorce.

The guy I''m dating now is NOTHING like my husband was. I thought I knew what love was, but now I KNOW. This guy treats me like a queen, and for the first time EVER I feel truly loved and wanted. He''s willing to make sacrifices, and he''s so good to me and appreciates me. We have so much in common. I guess before I "settled" and never thought that "true love" exsisted. I thought it was only in the movies. I thought the idea of marriage was two people being able to put up with each other and have sort of a "business arrangement". I thought having stuff meant happiness. I was more concerned with a secure future than having someone love me.

I have been dating my new guy for about 5-6 months now. We said the "L-word" after a couple months. And it wasn''t just saying it. I REALLY feel it. It''s like nothing I have felt before. He mentioned before about getting a place together. We talked about how we would decorate, etc. Marriage never came up, though. And there will be times we will be sitting, deep in thought, and he will ask what I''m thinking. I''m wondering if he wants me to spill it, and ask what his plans for the future are, let him know that I''m thinking about us being married.

But I''m worried that it''s much too soon. I''ve been thinking about what went wrong with my first marriage, and keep saying, if only I would have waited another year, we would have never been married. I would have realized it wasn''t going to work. But all those problems don''t exsist with this new relationship either. (it''s an even longer story.. but trust me.. lol)

So if he doesn''t mention it first, I think we should wait at least a year before talking about it. And I think an engagement of at least another year. I want to be CERTAIN this time. I think it''s on both our minds. So for now, I''m going to try to relax, and now dwell on it too much.

 

[anchor31]

My FI and I are both family-oriented and marriage-minded people, and I think our similar and somewhat more traditional values brought us together. We met in January 2003. He was 21 and I was 17.

We dated casually for 8 months before "becoming a couple" on August 31st 2003.

He started mentioning marriage VERY casually in January 2004.

He looked at an engagement rings display in front of me in January 2005, but didn''t have any serious intentions.

We seriously discussed our future (marriage, children, careers, etc.) in July 2005.

He told me he was planning on proposing to me in 2006 in November 2005.

We picked our our ring together in May 2006.

He proposed on July 14th 2006. We are now 24 and 21 and looking forward to our 3rd anniversary on August 31st.

Our tentative wedding date is October 4th 2008.

 

[bee*]

D and I met when we were 17 and 18 and started dating straight away but we have only talked about marriage seriously in the past few months now that we''re 24 and 25. Neither of us wanted to get engaged or married until we were a bit more financially stable. Now though we talk about it a lot and are planning to get our ring next year. Only Ive thrown a spanner in the works and am going back to college again for five years, but Ive got a job lined up also so we can still save and plan our future. I really think age has a lot to do with it as if I had just met ff now, we would probably be engaged within 2 years. Each to their own I think

 

[basil]

My boyfriend first mentioned marriage about 2 months into our relationship. It was our first weekend away as a couple, and we had shared a bottle of wine and we were just laying on the bed in our motel room when he said "you know, I might ask you to marry me someday"

I told him at that point that we should probably wait at least a year. I think at this point, I''ve sort of changed my mind, though, and I think it will probably happen at around the 6 month mark

! We are 27 and 28, and we both have careers and savings and are generally responsible, nonimpulsive people. I guess some would think this was rushing and I''m sure a few people will raise their eyebrows. For me and my boyfriend, I think at the time we met we were both ready and thinking of settling down. We both have lived our adult lives on our own and decided that we want someone to share it with. We know what direction we want to go in life, and we share the same goals. Both of us had relationships in the past, but neither of us has any true baggage. If I had met him at 20, I think I still would have fallen in love with him, but I think the process may have been much different.

 

[Mara]

we seriously started talking about marriage and 'forever' with each other at about 1.5 years and we were engaged by 2 years. it wasn't *just* dating before that, but we both had been in a few long-term relationships and we knew that we wanted to just enjoy ourselves and take things slowly.

in your scenario after this messy other relationship, i would just take this new one slow. sure you may love him and feel so strongly about it, but just take it slow and enjoy what you have without trying to worry about the future.

i really firmly believe that there's no reason to rush into anything. if someone is going to be great to marry at 6 months, they will be just as great ot marry at 2 years. if a relationship feels right at 6 months and it feels right at 2 years...that to me is a right decision. i don't think that the 'rightness' will change if it's really meant to be long-term.

 

[flopkins]

hm... I think we''d been dating for about 2 yrs before marriage came up, I was just finishing college when I met DH and marriage wasn''t on my mind, until my best friend got engaged, and that got the wheels turning. Around the time they got married, we started talking about it, and he proposed later that year, we got married another 1.5yrs after that. I think we were together for about 4 yrs when we got married..

then there''s my parents... I think they met and got married w/in 6 months, which always just amazes me, but shes says, when I met your dad I knew he was the one!!! Although she did say it was bc she was older, maybe 29 or 30?

 

[diamondfan]

I am not sure there is a set time frame. Some people, as they have posted, just knew right away. And then there are the weird situations, like my step brother. He dated his girlfriend for years (5-6 years, maybe more?) got married September of 1990 and is now getting a divorce because they are not compatible (his words). What amazes me is that they were together for so long I figured they knew one another so well and knew they were a good fit. They never wanted or had kids. She is devastated and he is saying there were issues before the wedding, and he though marrying her would help alleviate them. (she did not feel the sense of committment without marriage, they lived together for years and she just wanted the next step). I guess it really is so dependant on the two people and their mindsets. Yesterday was my 16th anniversary. I love my husband but we have been through some tough times (including his parents going bankrupt the first year we were married, necessitating major financial and other help from us when we were just starting out and I was entering graduate school on our dime, and then the death of his father not long after and us moving from Los Angeles to the East coast without knowing a soul here)...there were times we were both really stressed and bickering, but we love eachother so we stuck it out. I have friends who got divorced years ago, after a few years and a couple of kids, just because they did not think it was so great anymore, too much work, etc...well, I think for a relationship to last the long haul it does take work on both people''s part. So, even if there are tough times, unless there is physical or substance abuse or affairs, sometimes you have to look at that person, see past the low point, and get past it. Of course I am not telling someone to stay married if they are not in love or are truly unhappy, whatever the reason. I just think sometimes it is too easy to just give up, and I think a lot of marriages are lost that way, that could possibly have been saved with a bit of effort...