Curious about who pays for the wedding-- Family Traditions

[goldenstar]

FI and I recently learned that his parents are paying for his sister''s upcoming wedding 100%. It was our plan to split our own wedding costs 50% to us, and 25% to each set of parents. In my own family, I''m the first in my generation to marry, so I have no idea what the norm is for paying. I actually don''t even know what the cultural norm is for paying. My parents and their siblings are immigrants, but are now very established here. FI has a tiny family, and its only him and his sister. They are asian but have been in the US for generations. I''m thinking this has something to do with the American (IMO) tradition of the father of the bride paying. We haven''t had any in depth wedding discussions with the parents yet, but FI''s dad said he will "help us out".

I was just wondering: In families where the bride''s family pays, do they treat the son in the same way? Or not, because of the assumption that the son''s FI''s family will pay? We will of course hash out the details with our own families, I was just curious about how this works. On one hand, it works when each bride''s family pays, because then each couple will have a paying family. But then I sorta feel like the son gets shortchanged when his FI''s family can''t contribute in the way that his own can.

Just thinking out loud...

 

[monarch64]

My parents paid for our wedding, but a few years before it they paid for my brother''s reception because he married a gal whose parents could not afford to contribute. That''s not necessarily traditional but it just worked out that way. I don''t think my brother felt shortchanged at all, or resentful that her parents didn''t step up to the plate.

 

[hikerchick]

We are footing the bill ourselves for a number of reasons I won''t get into here but I think you will find a little bit of all those scenarios. I have never understood the whole one side pays for 100% thing because what happens to families where all the kids are girls? How are they expected to afford so many weddings. In my culture there is still the lingering notion that girls are a curse and having to foot the wedding costs will not add to making that notion any better.

In any case, since we are paying for the whole thing ourselves, we only have to worry about FI and I being on the same page, kinda makes things easier. Open and honest discussion ahead of time is the best way to do it, I think.

 

[surfgirl]

Traditionally, the bride''s parents pay for the wedding, the groom''s pay for the rehearsal dinner. So yes, traditionally, if a couple had a son and a daughter, they would pay for the daughter''s wedding, but would assume the son''s wedding would be paid for by the FDIL''s parents. But today, there are infinite variations on that theme. So it''s really whatever makes the most sense in your specific situation.

 

[Pandora II]

In my family we are 3 girls and 1 boy.

My father expects to pay for mine and my sisters weddings 100%, but does not expect to contribute towards my brothers in any way.

He is very traditional but it is also the norm amongst all my relatives.

 

[firebirdgold]

My inlaws paid for their daughter''s wedding and my parents paid for ours. My inlaws were disappointed that they couldn''t pay for the rehearsal dinner as everything was included so they want to pay for the extra photos.

 

[neatfreak]

Both sets of parents have offered us a set amount of $. It happens that my parents are comfortable contributing more than his, but neither set of parents know that. We can spend it on the wedding, we can spend it on a honeymoon, or we can put it in a house fund the parents don't care.

I think his parents (well, mother) wanted to contribute so badly because his older sister likely isn't getting married anytime soon and his mom was getting worried that he wouldn't either (he's not even 30, can you believe that???). So she's so thrilled that were getting married I think we could have asked her for anything!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

This is a rather interesting question. In most asian cultures, it is ''usually'' the norm for the groom and/or groom''s side to pay for the wedding. Nowadays it is more and more the choice of the bride and groom to pay for the wedding themselves with the option for their parents to contribute if they want to. I''ve never understood the "your side or my side ''should'' pay for the wedding thing''. I figure if you want to get married you should try to pay for it yourself and if the parents would like to or if they are financially able to contribute or at that point if they even offer to pay then thats wonderful.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 6/1/2007 3:58:07 PM
Author: surfgirl
Traditionally, the bride''s parents pay for the wedding, the groom''s pay for the rehearsal dinner. So yes, traditionally, if a couple had a son and a daughter, they would pay for the daughter''s wedding, but would assume the son''s wedding would be paid for by the FDIL''s parents. But today, there are infinite variations on that theme. So it''s really whatever makes the most sense in your specific situation.

Yes, American tradition or etiquette says that the bride''s family pays for the wedding and the groom''s family pays for the reception. I think that was almost always the norm until couples started marrying older and possibly had substantial income to put towards the wedding. But in our case, we''ll stick to the tradition and pay for our daughters'' weddings and pay for our son''s rehearsal dinner.