dad troubles now killing wedding,.. what to do

[kelbelle134]

This might get pretty long, so if you are up for being a counselor on this one you have some great courage.

First some background... My father and I met four years ago, I was 20. He and my mother were not married when she got pregnant, they were dating and he completely abandoned her. Told her she should abort and that the baby wasn''t his, he was cheating on her so naturally he thought she was cheating on him as well. She tried to contact him for the first few years of my life, he refused letters and she gave up, afraid of him and what he might do. He comes from a very powerful family and is an attorney.

I decided to meet him when I was 19, I had interned for a summer near the city where he lives. I finally got the courage just before I was supposed to go back to school, and I decided to stick around for the semester to try and persue a relationship. When I first approached him, he was a jack-a**, truly. He wouldn''t return phone calls, told me to my face I was mistaken. For months it took a couple counselors and his AA sponsor, and a god-inspired moment to form a first real sit-down. It was my goal, and it took months to make him act like a human being to me.

Since then, he has done a 180, he wanted me to call him Dad right away. He bragged about me to his friends, without telling them the backgroud of course, he would continually call me, even when I ignored him. He continues to want all the good things from me, but without strings, for instance-- I have never asked him for money, that is not why I contacted him. But he never has offered to help pay for me to go to family events, 8 hour trips away. I asked him if he could help me with those, and he said he just didn''t have it. I was still in college, a broke student with no extra money to spend on these things, but I made it happen because it was important to me.

Now, since I got engaged he has been thrilled. He offered to help, since we both moved back near the area. One option was for me to have the wedding in a church associated with his high school. It was an honor and DF and I were thrilled to have our big day be a celebration in such an awe inspiring place. Daniel and I go to church there now. He offered back several months ago, to help with the costs, as his way to contribute. He said he could do 100/person for 100 people. So 10,000. Granted thats not that huge, for a wedding budget. But it was a big majority of our budget. I was so encouraged that he felt he should do this, though I knew in the back of my mind that he was going to let me down.

Now, yesterday he calls me. He asks me about budget. And I tell him what we are thinking about working with, what he has agreed to plus what money is from my mom''s side of the family and df''s. He said well, looking at my budget I have been saving 50 dollars a month for twenty months, but I think I can stretch this to an even 1600?!? I feel completely insulted. I told him that is not what he agreed to, what he had promised to do. He told me that I was the one that was mistaken, that he never said that. That he can''t afford it, never would have said that. He is an attorney, mind you. His business is on the rocks, because he is a fool and can''t keep his mind on work, and instead is on internet dating websites 24/7 soliciting women, my age sometimes. Thats another story entirely.

He turned the tables on me, if he had told me truthfully that that was something he couldn''t afford to do, and he would try-- it would be one thing, a fatherly thing, a responsible thing. But instead he is telling me I am the one that got it wrong. I was mistaken. No, I do make those mistakes. Especially like this. I screamed at him for turning this around on me, telling him he should take a look at his life and ask for my forgiveness yet again. He took no part of blame, and kept lawyer-talking his way around everything I was saying. Complete denial.

So what do I do, first off I am out of a church, I can still have it there, but the question is should I continue after this? I am out 70 percent of our wedding budget. And out one dad, I feel like I can''t forgive him again, its just too much.

I am angry, and want to do something vengeful. Like plaster posters all around his town of who he truly is. Any creative ideas?

Okay, if you made it this far you deserve a gold medal. Thank you. I just need to get it out!

 

[hughsie]

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how it must feel to be let down so badly by someone who has let you down so badly before. I really hope that you can get through this without becoming bitter, because that is not going to help YOU and you are the important one here.

RE the wedding, I would advise planning afresh with your new budget. If you can keep your church, that would be wonderful. It sounds like you have got through a lot on your own, and that you will manage this too, with your fiance by your side, and hopefully the support of other family members and/or friends. Work out what you can afford, and feel proud of yourself and your man. If it were me, I would not accept any money from your father after this, because it doesn''t seem that you can rely on him, whilst you CAN rely on yourself-you know that, and I know that you will make a great job of the wedding planning, and more importantly the marriage because of it.

All best wishes coming your way.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

That is so awful! I am so sorry that you are going through this!

I have no advice, only (((((HUGS)))))

Good Luck with all your planning...I know you are angry, but at least you still have the support of your Mom and your DF.

 

[sctsbride09]

Kelbelle134, I am very sorry to "hear" what is going on with your dad.First I''ll give you some of my backround,its very similar to yours. I like you also had a jacka** for a father who abandoned my mother when he discovered the pregnancy. At the age of 7 he decided he wanted to "meet me", little did we know at the time, it was because he was WANTED in a different state(and needed a safe place). Anyhow, after 4 horrible years he disappeared, never to be heard from again. After many years of counseling, I am over my hatred for him, I just pity him. The reason I wanted you to know that is because I think your anger is justified. 100%. BUT what I do know is that anger and a need for vengeance will eat you alive inside. Your father is obviously a VERY selfish person, but what is important is doing things best for YOU. And I believe sometimes with a toxic "parent" (or sperm donor in our case

) it is best to let go and move on or cut them off completely. It seems from your post that you have a superb mother. If I was you, I would concentrate on her and the beautiful relationship you (hopefully) have. As for your wedding, Im so sorry this is impacting your budget. Is there any trimming on the guestlist you could do or perhaps change time of day etc? Sorry I cant be of more help. I just wanted to respond because I know what it feels like to have a "dad" like that, and I wish you all the best for the decisions ahead in your future.

 

[mrscushion]

I am truly sorry.

I would not accept any more money from your father. Don''t talk to him about the budget anymore. Start afresh with your new budget and do what you can afford. Perhaps you can keep the church, but if you can''t, get a new church that isn''t associated with your father.

Moving forward, I would not rely on your father for anything anymore. You can keep up relations with him, just learn your lesson.

 

[rainwood]

You should plan a wedding in the way and on the budget you''d have had if your father had not stepped back into your life. Your wedding should be about you and your FI becoming a family, and not an attempt to reconnect with your father or create a meaningful place for you in his life. He''s not dependable in the way you want him to be, and he probably never will be. Save yourself the grief and don''t count on your father for a financial contribution. And don''t plan the wedding around what is important to him or his life, only what is important to you and your FI and your lives. Otherwise, you''re just setting yourself up for further disappointment.

 

[cocolaw]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This man sounds like a low life and you really shouldn''t talk to him at all after this. He sound like he likes to be doted on and he likes to be the center of attention, which is why he bragged to his friends about you and offered you a large sum of money upfront. He has a history of disappointing people and not following through with his promises. I don''t see what you have to gain from continuing a relationship with him. You have the same genes, but that''s it!

Sorry if that part was unsolicited! We are in a reverse situation-I walked away from my father when I was 18, and have not really spoken to him since. He is just an a-hole to everyone around him!

I think you need to talk to your mom, talk to your fiance, and see what you can do to move forward. This man has already disappointed your mom, and you numerous times...do not let him prevent you from having your dream wedding as well. And DO NOT invite him...he will likely make the wedding all about him too!

 

[House Cat]

This is awful! I''m so very sorry. Your father is a selfish, selfish man. Sounds as though he really loves his appearance.

I think that I can only speak from a personal perspective on this. Take what works for you, discard the rest. If this were my situation, I would shed my life of this toxic man. I would no longer search for his love. He sounds as though he doesn''t know how to love. I would tell myself I tried, but I found out that he was truly not an asset to my life. There is no reason to keep banging my head against the wall. He is who he is and it is a twisted person. He will not change. There is a reason he didn''t seek me out for 19 years. There is a reason he didn''t take responsibility for me when I was born. There is a reason that he was a cheater and a liar. These are all testaments to his character. He is showing me who he is now. I see who he is now. I don''t need this toxicity in my life. I don''t need his version of love in my life. I have real love in my life from my mother and FI and friends. And actually, I am grateful that he didn''t raise me, for I would be very damaged by this man.

And I would walk away without a sound. I would live my life well, in good health and happiness and I would let him go. No revenge needed because he is miserable already.

Then, I would either postpone the wedding in order to save more money or I would plan a different wedding with the money I had. I would get creative. I would have my mother give me away. She deserves that honor anyway. If it were me, personally, I wouldn''t have the wedding in that church due to the fact that father might show up. I wouldn''t want him anywhere near my wedding.

I know your pain makes you want to hurt him. Don''t. Just live happily, knowing that you are marrying a man nothing like your father.

Let that warm your heart.

 

[ficklefaye]

i''m so sorry to hear this kelbelle, i agree with everyone else here, you just need to focus on the people in your life who are important to you and who have been there for you, just hearing how your father turned that situation against you just made me cringe, he doesn''t seem like someone you want around when you are planning something as wonderful as your wedding to your FI, i wish you the best of luck in your planning and i''m sure you can make something beautiful happen with the money you have available, let us know if you need any ideas

 

[kelbelle134]

Date: 8/6/2009 11:29:04 AM
Author: sctsbride09
Kelbelle134, I am very sorry to ''hear'' what is going on with your dad.First I''ll give you some of my backround,its very similar to yours. I like you also had a jacka** for a father who abandoned my mother when he discovered the pregnancy. At the age of 7 he decided he wanted to ''meet me'', little did we know at the time, it was because he was WANTED in a different state(and needed a safe place). Anyhow, after 4 horrible years he disappeared, never to be heard from again. After many years of counseling, I am over my hatred for him, I just pity him. The reason I wanted you to know that is because I think your anger is justified. 100%. BUT what I do know is that anger and a need for vengeance will eat you alive inside. Your father is obviously a VERY selfish person, but what is important is doing things best for YOU. And I believe sometimes with a toxic ''parent'' (or sperm donor in our case

) it is best to let go and move on or cut them off completely. It seems from your post that you have a superb mother. If I was you, I would concentrate on her and the beautiful relationship you (hopefully) have. As for your wedding, Im so sorry this is impacting your budget. Is there any trimming on the guestlist you could do or perhaps change time of day etc? Sorry I cant be of more help. I just wanted to respond because I know what it feels like to have a ''dad'' like that, and I wish you all the best for the decisions ahead in your future.

Thank you so much for your advice. Thankfully my mom is wonderful, she is full of love, she has had a hard stuggle since my birth because of the emotional pain its caused her, but she loves me dearly. I wouldn''t trade how I was raised to have had him as my father. He is toxic, like you said and I keep wanting him to have been toxic and have changed. He says he''s changed so much through AA, but I don''t think he deserves a one day chip.

DF and I will figure out the budget, if we still have the wedding here. Things have drastically changed in one day. I just need to start fresh like everyone has said. Thank you again!!

 

[dani2142]

kelbelle134- my dad isn''t a gem either to say it nicely. he really hasn''t been in my life at all the past 26 years. if he all of a sudden wanted something to do with me, i would just tell him to take a hike to be honest my dad is an alcoholic and it''s not fair to me or my sisters to let him walk in and out of our lives the way he does. i would love to have an relationship with him and things to be all peachy and happy but it won''t ever happen. it''s like setting yourself up for a dissapointment. not sure if you can relate but make sure you put yourself and fiance'' in front of anyone else.

we are paying for our wedding on our own and have opted for a destination wedding. not sure if that is an option for you but at least check into it. hope things start to get better for you.

 

[kelbelle134]

Date: 8/6/2009 1:08:59 PM
Author: House Cat
This is awful! I''m so very sorry. Your father is a selfish, selfish man. Sounds as though he really loves his appearance.

I think that I can only speak from a personal perspective on this. Take what works for you, discard the rest. If this were my situation, I would shed my life of this toxic man. I would no longer search for his love. He sounds as though he doesn''t know how to love. I would tell myself I tried, but I found out that he was truly not an asset to my life. There is no reason to keep banging my head against the wall. He is who he is and it is a twisted person. He will not change. There is a reason he didn''t seek me out for 19 years. There is a reason he didn''t take responsibility for me when I was born. There is a reason that he was a cheater and a liar. These are all testaments to his character. He is showing me who he is now. I see who he is now. I don''t need this toxicity in my life. I don''t need his version of love in my life. I have real love in my life from my mother and FI and friends. And actually, I am grateful that he didn''t raise me, for I would be very damaged by this man.

And I would walk away without a sound. I would live my life well, in good health and happiness and I would let him go. No revenge needed because he is miserable already.

Then, I would either postpone the wedding in order to save more money or I would plan a different wedding with the money I had. I would get creative. I would have my mother give me away. She deserves that honor anyway. If it were me, personally, I wouldn''t have the wedding in that church due to the fact that father might show up. I wouldn''t want him anywhere near my wedding.

I know your pain makes you want to hurt him. Don''t. Just live happily, knowing that you are marrying a man nothing like your father.

Let that warm your heart.

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this. It is exactly to the point and so completely honest. I am so grateful that he didn''t raise me, and I just keep wishing he had truly changed, I feel manipulated and baffled by his actions. I don''t want this to ruin my joy about the day.

And I am so glad My (step) grandfather already is having the honor of walking me down the aisle. He has had a major influence in my life. DF is quite like him and that is a great thing.

 

[kelbelle134]

Hughsie, mscushion, rainwood: thank you for reminding me to start fresh with our budget. I really think I just need to pretend we got engaged today and knowing what I do just reboot and try and think clearly.

Dani: I think that maybe a destination wedding might be our best option.


I can’t believe all of this, I am sure other brides have been through similar situations. At least I haven’t gotten to the point of giving deposits for our potential caterer/florist and cake person. We almost went to contract at our reception site last week, that would have been 2000.00 gone, but decided to let it sit with a “hold” for a bit. Thank God.

 

[LilyKat]

I am so sorry for what you''ve been through

At least you know for sure now what sort of person he is and that you absolutely do not need him in your life. I can understand your wanting to do something vengeful, but the best revenge would truly be to move on and have a happy life without him. If he ever does a 180 again, read through your post again and remind yourself of his lifelong pattern of behaviour so that you don''t fall for it again. He abandoned your mother, he abandoned you, let you down again and again - frankly, he sounds like a giant loser and you''re better off without him.

As far as the wedding goes, I would work out your new budget, and plan the wedding that YOU want to fit in within that. If you still like the venue for itself and can afford it, go for it. If not, can you have the wedding in the same church and find a less expensive reception venue?

 

[cleokizzy]

i''m sorry to hear that!

you have lived for so long without your dad''s help, you CAN and WILL get through this.

do you have another church in mind? one that has no association with your dad? why not use that instead, for your wedding? it may not sound easy to do but you can still push through with your wedding even without your father''s money by cutting down on incidentals and guest list.

sending you some {{hugs}}

 

[Dannielle]

I don''t have much advice to give, I just wanted to show my support..

It sounds like you father is a very selfish man, and I don''t blame you for having trouble forgiving him again. He doesn''t sound like he deserves it

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/6/2009 12:13:33 PM
Author: mscushion
I am truly sorry.


I would not accept any more money from your father. Don''t talk to him about the budget anymore. Start afresh with your new budget and do what you can afford. Perhaps you can keep the church, but if you can''t, get a new church that isn''t associated with your father.


Moving forward, I would not rely on your father for anything anymore. You can keep up relations with him, just learn your lesson.

Ditto. Downsize your wedding, make it more intimate and cheaper. You don''t want to have to owe this guy anything. Sorry you are going through this sweetie.