Darn Friends........... urg (vent)

[rhbgirl24]

I dont know if I should actually be upset by this or not, but I figured you all would tell me and set me straight.
Do any of you have friends that only take? and never give?

I have a friend like that - someone I work with everyday, see everyday, talk to everyday. Her fiance is asking mine to be his best man and I'm taking pictures at her wedding. We are both planning weddings - mine in Oct 09, hers Aug 2010. Everytime I ask her opinion about my wedding, she changes the subject to hers, and I let her. I understand the excitement.
But....
She came to our engagement party w/o even a card. Told me etiquette dictated she didn't have to bring a gift(and I agree.) For her engagement gift she asked my fiance and I to shoot her engagement shoot (we're both amateur photographers) and I did. Spent 5 hours shooting, almost 8 hours editing - all for free - a present. Now the person who believed etiquette said she shouldn't bring a present to an engagement, is doing a gift registry for her own party. WTF?
That wasn't the last straw.....
My sister told me when by bridal shower was so I could pass it around. So I told her the date. She didn't even hesitate and told me she couldn't make it b/c her and her fiance are going to her fiance's parents upstate NY house (this is almost 3 MONTHS in advance that I told her the date.) She tell me they normally go up that weekend. Wouldn't you then go up another weekend? They have free run of the house, no one lives there - they can go any weekend.
Do I just ask too much? urg. Anyone of these things I would let just roll off - but all of them for one person? It seems like they care only about themselves......

Am I overreacting? I know you will tell me! lol Thanks!

 

[vintagelover229]

I dont think your overreacting at all. Does she do ANYTHING for you? Like, listen or anything a friend does? I think I''d tell her how you feel, see what she says, and if she doesnt "get it" then break off the one-sided friendship. It will cause you a lot less stress.

I just had to do something like this last month with someone I''d been friends with for over 10 years. It was horrible. She kept cheating on her then FI and I didnt say anything bc she had a baby w/him and I didnt want her to marry him unless she really loved him. I kept telling her to get her GED, drivers license, a job, etc so she didnt HAVE to be with him. Then one day she up and said things had changed, she was sure, and they were getting married in 2 wks. Needless to say, I asked her if she was sure, and supported her 110% and hoped for the best. a WEEK after the wedding she text me said she was done, etc etc. I called her and supported her 100% UNTIL she told me its bc she met ANOTHER guy. She was CHEATING ON HIM AGAIN! I told her I couldnt handle it and she said that she told me these things to VENT not to get advice. She then texted me a bunch of horrible things, etc. name calling, etc. I guess if you didnt tell her what she wanted to hear, she blew up.

My point by that story wasnt a thread jack by any means. The point is that some people its ALL ABOUT THEM no matter WHO THEY HURT or STEP on. Even though it sucks, my life is much more drama free and less stressful w/o her in my life. I loved her dearly, but I can''t handle her cheating on her hubby after she said things had changed, etc. and called me names. I''m not going to surround myself with that.

Ask yourself this: Would your "friend" freak out on you if you did HALF of what she did to you? From what it sounds like...probably. Shes not a true friend. You life will be much more drama and conflict free without her. If she doesnt listen to how you feel like a real friend...she can get mad (at first) but if she doesnt say "I''m sorry I didnt realize that I was doing that, and I''m sorry" etc. then I''d like the friendship die OR just not make anymore of an effort to do anything outside of work. be pleasant, but not much more.

Sorry to be such a downer! But that doesnt sound like a real friend to me!

 

[tlh]

I dont know. She might just see you as a work friend. And people will take as much as you give them... you''d expect them to reciprocate... but unfortunately, that isn''t always the way it works. Perhaps she thought she was doing you a favor by taking the photos to help you w/ experience ???

you never know people''s motivations, and if you don''t expect much from others it is hard that they''ll disappoint you. You have every right to be upset... however she may not value your friendship like you do hers... so I wish you the best with your plans. Your wedding will be wonderful and is only a few months away!!!

 

[meresal]

1. Yes, everyone has "had" friends like that.
2. No, she isn't required to bring a gift to yours. You already agreed to do the photo shoot for her, and it is all done. I would not take another present to her party, but maybe just a nice card, and put one of the pictures you took from the shoot in an inexpensive frame, to remind her that you already gave her a very nice present.
3. Is the weekend of your shower a special day for them, do they honestly usually go up that weekend? I would have to say, "It's just a shower", so if she's not a super close friend (ie, in the bridal party) then don't worry about it. However, if you think she is avoiding you and being "cheap" for her own benefit but doesn't have a problem "taking" from her guests, then I would say something to her about your feelings.

With that said, I am a very upfront person and ask the same of my friends. If something is bothering me then I don't sit on it, we talk about it and move past it. I'm of the thinking that you can't really be mad at people, if you haven't told them what they are doing is upsetting you. At this point, from what you have shared, you don't have enough information to prove that she is doing these things on purpose. If you explain to her about how you feel, and she continues to do things that contradict what she says, and she knows it bothers you... then you re-evaluate the friendship.

I have a feeling you are more upset about the fact that you are bending over backwards for her, and she is not returning the favor, than you are about the present and the shower. I hope everything works out rhb, but I would stop bending immediately.

 

[Missy0483]

I know I''d be upset, I don''t know about everyone else! I''ve had something like this happen to me quite often (not wedding related though), so it''s hard for me to tolerate anymore!

 

[brooklyngirl]

We see it often on these boards, weddings bringing issues to the surface. I don't know how long you've been friends with this person, but if you see that your friendship has changed for the worse, causing undue stress, distance yourself from your friend.

From what you've described she doesn't sound like a very good friend, so why bother?

 

[rhbgirl24]

redrose229 - I'm trying to think and answer your questions and nope, I dont think she has every done anything unselfishly for me. It has always had a purpose - like to get something from me. She is younger than me - maybe its just naivety?
I'm sorry you had to go through all that with your friend. Sucks in so many ways, but I guess people are who they are, and thats about that. And yes, she would throw a hissy fit if I did any of these things to her!

tlh - Thank you. You might be right. Even though I talked to someone here who has known her for 10 years and says thats just the way she is. Out to get what she wants and focused on herself. Not ever others. Hmmm....

meresal - you hit it right on. I do not care one bit about the present or really the shower. I guess I'm sick of giving and not getting anything in return. I am that kind of person that will bend over backwards for a friend. Guess I need to be more careful who I do that with. And yes, I said straight out how I felt about that. She didn't seem to like that too much. Thank you for the input!

Missy0483 - youre right, I guess you hit a breaking point, right?

brooklyngirl I think you are absolutely right. After I got over the mad - I was almost just screw it. Thanks!

but doesn't it just suck when people don't give as much as you? I know thats life, but hell!

Thanks everyone!

 

[bee*]

I do think that weddings will show you who your true friends are. I''ve been disappointed my one friend who''s not coming to my wedding and then there are other friends who have really surprised me with how excited they are. She really doesn''t seem to be a true friend and after doing her engagement shoot, I would definitely not bring another present to her shower.

 

[MonkeyPants]

Ick. You deserve more than that from a "friend." Unfortunately there are lots of self-centered people in the world and there''s really no changing ''em. I know this sounds harsh and maybe childish to some of you, but I would personally demote her in my mind from a "friend" to an "acquaintance" or "work friend" and treat her as such. Be polite, but don''t go out of your way to do things for someone who is unappreciative and doesn''t reciprocate. That''s all I got.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 6/8/2009 4:52:46 PM
Author: MonkeyPants
Ick. You deserve more than that from a ''friend.'' Unfortunately there are lots of self-centered people in the world and there''s really no changing ''em. I know this sounds harsh and maybe childish to some of you, but I would personally demote her in my mind from a ''friend'' to an ''acquaintance'' or ''work friend'' and treat her as such. Be polite, but don''t go out of your way to do things for someone who is unappreciative and doesn''t reciprocate. That''s all I got.

Right or wrong, I think thats where I am now. Thanks MonkeyPants.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 6/8/2009 4:52:46 PM
Author: MonkeyPants
Ick. You deserve more than that from a ''friend.'' Unfortunately there are lots of self-centered people in the world and there''s really no changing ''em. I know this sounds harsh and maybe childish to some of you, but I would personally demote her in my mind from a ''friend'' to an ''acquaintance'' or ''work friend'' and treat her as such. Be polite, but don''t go out of your way to do things for someone who is unappreciative and doesn''t reciprocate. That''s all I got.

Ditto!!! - not harsh or childish..quite appropriate in my mind

 

[Haven]

I agree that this person doesn''t really sound like a friend. While you can''t be mad at someone for not giving you a gift (and they are not required for engagement parties, so she was right about that) it sounds like you''re hurt that she''s not reciprocating your friendship. I''d be hurt, too.

Are you just work friends? Or are you friends outside of work?

 

[LostSapphire]

You could always plead ignorance and say "oopsie, I meant the photosession was our wedding gift, not engagement party gift"

LS

 

[rhbgirl24]

Haven - I''m not mad at the no gift thing at all, I''m mad about the hypocracy of it all. And yes we were friends outside of work. I was friends with her before I worked with her.

LostSapphire - hahahahahahaha. I LOVE that idea, even though I''m not the kind of person to do that, bet she is! Thanks for the laugh.

 

[honey22]

Date: 6/8/2009 7:22:30 PM
Author: LostSapphire
You could always plead ignorance and say ''oopsie, I meant the photosession was our wedding gift, not engagement party gift''

LS